Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Cut-and-Paste post from tooday's
Wolf's Daily Howl
Greetings Readers and Posters ----
I said Thursday I'd talk more about injury, over the weekend.
I'm going to shift sideways, slightly, and talk about Couples Counseling in the context of an intervention for an abusive relationship.
[1] Couples counseling are trained to start from the presumption of an even playing field, which of course, is not the case, in an abusive relationship.
[2] Few couples counselors are trained to recognize emotional abuse. Fewer counselors know how to intervene safely and effectively.
[3] A slick manipulator will con and control most therapists.
[4] When the target/victim in an abusive relationship brings a complaint, if the therapist misses the gravity and rolls over the complaint, the abuser gets much-coveted validation.
[5] If the therapist misses the point, the target/victim may be abused a second time, in the session, by either the abuser or the therapist.
[6] If the target/victim is admonished by the therapist, the abuser gets much-coveted validation BIG TIME.
[7] Whether or not the therapist has admonished the target/victim, the target/victim is likely to be abused again after the session, as punishment for bringing up the point or complain to the therapist in the session. This punishment can range from the silent treatment to rage to mortal threat.
[8] Knowledge is power. Inherent in the way therapy works in session, whatever the target/victim reveals within the session becomes a tool for the abuser to use against the target/victim later, at home. This can be any piece of information, small or significant.
[9] The abuser will pick up whatever issue the therapist focuses on that the target/victim may need to work on, as evidence that the target/victim is the problem. Later at home, this will be hammered upon endlessly, and will become the subsequent point of all sessions.
[10] The abuser will learn the terminology and buzz words of therapy. The abuser will then use them constantly to make his/her point and position against the target/abuser.
[11] If the therapist urges the abuser to go home and express his/her emotions more openly, the target/victim is likely to experience an increased torrent of abuse around the abusers complaints.
[12] The abuser is likely to latch onto a small issue brought up in therapy, change him/herself for the better, in relation to that small issue, and then point to that small change as evidence of good faith and more to come. The small change for the better was, in fact, an insincere token change.
[13] The abuser will forever-after point to his/her participation in couples therapy, even if just once, as proof that s/he cares about the relationship and has done what s/he could to save it. S/he may even say things like: I've been to therapy and I'm fixed.
These are my reservations about couples counseling as an intervention in the context of an abusive relationship. Have I left any out?
IW
(material copyrighted 2008 Healing Wolf Tracks)
Wolf's Daily Howl
Greetings Readers and Posters ----
I said Thursday I'd talk more about injury, over the weekend.
I'm going to shift sideways, slightly, and talk about Couples Counseling in the context of an intervention for an abusive relationship.
[1] Couples counseling are trained to start from the presumption of an even playing field, which of course, is not the case, in an abusive relationship.
[2] Few couples counselors are trained to recognize emotional abuse. Fewer counselors know how to intervene safely and effectively.
[3] A slick manipulator will con and control most therapists.
[4] When the target/victim in an abusive relationship brings a complaint, if the therapist misses the gravity and rolls over the complaint, the abuser gets much-coveted validation.
[5] If the therapist misses the point, the target/victim may be abused a second time, in the session, by either the abuser or the therapist.
[6] If the target/victim is admonished by the therapist, the abuser gets much-coveted validation BIG TIME.
[7] Whether or not the therapist has admonished the target/victim, the target/victim is likely to be abused again after the session, as punishment for bringing up the point or complain to the therapist in the session. This punishment can range from the silent treatment to rage to mortal threat.
[8] Knowledge is power. Inherent in the way therapy works in session, whatever the target/victim reveals within the session becomes a tool for the abuser to use against the target/victim later, at home. This can be any piece of information, small or significant.
[9] The abuser will pick up whatever issue the therapist focuses on that the target/victim may need to work on, as evidence that the target/victim is the problem. Later at home, this will be hammered upon endlessly, and will become the subsequent point of all sessions.
[10] The abuser will learn the terminology and buzz words of therapy. The abuser will then use them constantly to make his/her point and position against the target/abuser.
[11] If the therapist urges the abuser to go home and express his/her emotions more openly, the target/victim is likely to experience an increased torrent of abuse around the abusers complaints.
[12] The abuser is likely to latch onto a small issue brought up in therapy, change him/herself for the better, in relation to that small issue, and then point to that small change as evidence of good faith and more to come. The small change for the better was, in fact, an insincere token change.
[13] The abuser will forever-after point to his/her participation in couples therapy, even if just once, as proof that s/he cares about the relationship and has done what s/he could to save it. S/he may even say things like: I've been to therapy and I'm fixed.
These are my reservations about couples counseling as an intervention in the context of an abusive relationship. Have I left any out?
IW
(material copyrighted 2008 Healing Wolf Tracks)
We tried it. I pushed for it. And I can see after reading this, that our counsellor did make me Change the way I react to him and do more of what he wanted /expected from our marriage in an effort to both take ownership of the state our marriage is in and how we both need to work on it.
I will say, I would get so frustrated in our sessions bc I was sitting there having to listen to him explain our situation - and he talked in circles just like he does at home w me.
Funny, he's in sales too and could talk the paint off a wall.
Very helpful article. Thanks again!
That said, she told me at our last IC that she thinks I have ERD (emotion regulation disorder) and that this is contributing to the problem. In reading about this is seems that most people see this as the same as BPD and so looked into this. I found there were only a few things relevant to me as I considered my other relationships and the things that rang somewhat true are mostly only displayed in my interactions with my husband and only at times.
The thing that was very troubling was I found a paper in my husbands things a few weeks before that. I recognized the kind of material as coming from our counseling office (we have gotten other printouts from her and it looked similar). The paper that he got was how to deal with a family member who has ERD!!! Oh my word!!! What in the world was she doing giving this to him and putting these things in his mind? If she has years of experience dealing with a narcissist then why would she give him fuel- explosive fuel- for him to use?? Even if I have ERD it does not seem wise to be giving this information to an unrepentant, uncooperative spouse. It truly blows me away. Maybe the paper was referring to another family member and she just likes the ERD diagnosis. :-)
Now I feel backed in a corner a bit. If I question her then I'm paranoid. If I share that I don't see these tendencies then I'm in denial. I asked her to give me some specific examples and she never gave me an answer to that.
Have MC tomorrow and I'm dreading it. If I sit quietly I feel like I'm just allowing the behavior to continue yet I know if I speak up it will do no good (he has not shown any desire to have insight). If I don't agree to MC and only IC then I seem uncooperative.
As for ERD, I don't know anything about it, but I will say (and I wish I could remember where, so I could post links) that I have read a few times that it's quite common for abuse victims to display symptoms of BPD, which "magically" clear up when they get away from the abuse. That may be something worth raising in IC - if you trust your counsellor.
Personally, I would suggest IC with someone other than your MC.
I would also agree that I think it was wrong of her to give information about your IC sessions to your H, particularly in the circumstances.
Though this counselor says she has experience with emotional abuse and NPD I still feel like the scales are 50/50 in which I am expected to bear as much responsibility for the situation as he is, which in the case of abuse I don't think should be.
One thing this is that this is teaching me to have a backbone so God is certainly using my situation to grow me that way. :-)
like it's going to be beneficial
to ANYBODY. . . . . . which is
typical of most couple therapy.
Since you're posting on the
Couples Counseling and
Abusive Relationships thread,
I'm wondering if you had a
chance to read the 151 posts
that preceeded yours. If not,
you might want to give it a
perusal.
If you don't feel about continuing
with this clinician. . . . then DON'T.
Please practice good self-care.
I know I keep saying this but I am amazed by all of this info....
in and out of consciousness with a stomach full of pills my memories of the psych ward are hazy, but there was a moment in the emergency room where a nurse scolded me "why you gotta do this when you got a nice husband who loves you right there."
the whole experience did nothing but bolster his bullshit image that he was awesome, and to this day never said anything about being worried about me or scared to lose me or even wondering if i was ok. all he ever talks about concerning "the incident" (as he referred to it) was how great he was finding me and taking me to the hospital and visiting me in a psych ward with a big smile on his face like it was all a hilarious joke.
why is the entire planet shifted to allow these assholes the benefit of the doubt, the upper hand? why are the victims the ones to have scream and hell and bang down doors to be taken seriously, while an abusive shithead gets immediate validation and respect without doing anything but lying? AND WHY ARENT THERAPISTS GETTING THEIR SHIT TOGETHER AND BEING TRAINED IN HOW TO DEAL WITH IT? these behaviors are in the dsm they weren't invented yesterday. you shouldn't be able to run a family/couple counseling session unless you can spot and handle this kind of crap the same way you shouldn't be able to perform heart surgery 10 minutes after smoking crack.
i'm sorry to curse this early in the day, but this tapped into that flammable rage cauldron i keep in my stomach. i wish it weren't so easy to reach that freakin cauldron.
But he actually admitted to me in 2009 that HE DOES NOT LIKE SEX! By that time, it was too late to fix things. Plus which, he has a personality disorder. Diagnosed with Avoidant Personality Disorder, I think he actually has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. His therapist sort of opened up to me several years and agreed with my diagnosis.
It really doesn't matter now, because we are HAPPILY DIVORCED.
My husband and I were going to some counseling sessions together with our psychiatrist/psychologist. She never recommended MC until the bitter end. She had told me that he is a narcissistic abusive man. That he sees nothing wrong with himself, so what is there really to counsel. He will never change! But, you could try. Just make sure he makes the appointment. Let him take the first step. After my mini session, he was invited back in the room. I told him in front of the doctor that I wanted him to please do the mans section of Lundy's book. That if he loves me the way he says, then he would need to be committed to really changing...He agreed...it lasted 2 days...and he never set up any marriage counseling. I was honestly happy he didn't make an appointment. I had read a bunch of information similar to IleneW post. And I sure as hell wasn't putting myself in that position. He tried to make me feel guilty, like I gave up and wasn't giving him a second chance. HELLO we are so far beyond chance #2. What a crock! Either way it has always been my fault, so why should the end result be any different.
IleneW...your post is priceless and I personally thank you! xo