Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Cut-and-Paste post from tooday's
Wolf's Daily Howl
Greetings Readers and Posters ----
I said Thursday I'd talk more about injury, over the weekend.
I'm going to shift sideways, slightly, and talk about Couples Counseling in the context of an intervention for an abusive relationship.
[1] Couples counseling are trained to start from the presumption of an even playing field, which of course, is not the case, in an abusive relationship.
[2] Few couples counselors are trained to recognize emotional abuse. Fewer counselors know how to intervene safely and effectively.
[3] A slick manipulator will con and control most therapists.
[4] When the target/victim in an abusive relationship brings a complaint, if the therapist misses the gravity and rolls over the complaint, the abuser gets much-coveted validation.
[5] If the therapist misses the point, the target/victim may be abused a second time, in the session, by either the abuser or the therapist.
[6] If the target/victim is admonished by the therapist, the abuser gets much-coveted validation BIG TIME.
[7] Whether or not the therapist has admonished the target/victim, the target/victim is likely to be abused again after the session, as punishment for bringing up the point or complain to the therapist in the session. This punishment can range from the silent treatment to rage to mortal threat.
[8] Knowledge is power. Inherent in the way therapy works in session, whatever the target/victim reveals within the session becomes a tool for the abuser to use against the target/victim later, at home. This can be any piece of information, small or significant.
[9] The abuser will pick up whatever issue the therapist focuses on that the target/victim may need to work on, as evidence that the target/victim is the problem. Later at home, this will be hammered upon endlessly, and will become the subsequent point of all sessions.
[10] The abuser will learn the terminology and buzz words of therapy. The abuser will then use them constantly to make his/her point and position against the target/abuser.
[11] If the therapist urges the abuser to go home and express his/her emotions more openly, the target/victim is likely to experience an increased torrent of abuse around the abusers complaints.
[12] The abuser is likely to latch onto a small issue brought up in therapy, change him/herself for the better, in relation to that small issue, and then point to that small change as evidence of good faith and more to come. The small change for the better was, in fact, an insincere token change.
[13] The abuser will forever-after point to his/her participation in couples therapy, even if just once, as proof that s/he cares about the relationship and has done what s/he could to save it. S/he may even say things like: I've been to therapy and I'm fixed.
These are my reservations about couples counseling as an intervention in the context of an abusive relationship. Have I left any out?
IW
(material copyrighted 2008 Healing Wolf Tracks)
Wolf's Daily Howl
Greetings Readers and Posters ----
I said Thursday I'd talk more about injury, over the weekend.
I'm going to shift sideways, slightly, and talk about Couples Counseling in the context of an intervention for an abusive relationship.
[1] Couples counseling are trained to start from the presumption of an even playing field, which of course, is not the case, in an abusive relationship.
[2] Few couples counselors are trained to recognize emotional abuse. Fewer counselors know how to intervene safely and effectively.
[3] A slick manipulator will con and control most therapists.
[4] When the target/victim in an abusive relationship brings a complaint, if the therapist misses the gravity and rolls over the complaint, the abuser gets much-coveted validation.
[5] If the therapist misses the point, the target/victim may be abused a second time, in the session, by either the abuser or the therapist.
[6] If the target/victim is admonished by the therapist, the abuser gets much-coveted validation BIG TIME.
[7] Whether or not the therapist has admonished the target/victim, the target/victim is likely to be abused again after the session, as punishment for bringing up the point or complain to the therapist in the session. This punishment can range from the silent treatment to rage to mortal threat.
[8] Knowledge is power. Inherent in the way therapy works in session, whatever the target/victim reveals within the session becomes a tool for the abuser to use against the target/victim later, at home. This can be any piece of information, small or significant.
[9] The abuser will pick up whatever issue the therapist focuses on that the target/victim may need to work on, as evidence that the target/victim is the problem. Later at home, this will be hammered upon endlessly, and will become the subsequent point of all sessions.
[10] The abuser will learn the terminology and buzz words of therapy. The abuser will then use them constantly to make his/her point and position against the target/abuser.
[11] If the therapist urges the abuser to go home and express his/her emotions more openly, the target/victim is likely to experience an increased torrent of abuse around the abusers complaints.
[12] The abuser is likely to latch onto a small issue brought up in therapy, change him/herself for the better, in relation to that small issue, and then point to that small change as evidence of good faith and more to come. The small change for the better was, in fact, an insincere token change.
[13] The abuser will forever-after point to his/her participation in couples therapy, even if just once, as proof that s/he cares about the relationship and has done what s/he could to save it. S/he may even say things like: I've been to therapy and I'm fixed.
These are my reservations about couples counseling as an intervention in the context of an abusive relationship. Have I left any out?
IW
(material copyrighted 2008 Healing Wolf Tracks)
I really believe that abusers know how to control and manipulate therapists in a couples therapy setting. For example, my ex did not like to focus on things he had done so he would complain that it was a "bleep" session" about him. For the longest time he had me and the therapist feeling bad!! So we would always open the session with his feelings and what he thought needed to be worked on. Surprise Surprise he managed to hog the whole hour every time and steer clear away from what was going on at home.
Also, I don't know if anyone else ever experienced this while going to therapy with an abuser, but mine would make me promise to not say certain things before each session. For example, he'd beat the crap out of me on a Sunday and we'd have a session on Tuesday night so as we are driving he would say now you can't talk about that because I could get in trouble. You know I'm sorry and it won't happen again and if you tell I'll go to jail and lose my business and how will we support our son.
Point being, he was manipulating and controlling the therapist as well as me. So if couples therapy is not effective then how can an abuser change or get help? It's mind boggling if you ask me!
Most can't and don't.
One abuser in a couple/three million
might be able to change for the better.
The rest only get WORSE.
They are not open to getting help.
The one or two who genuinely
are open to help, can't get better.
Couples counseling may not work for the majority of abusers, but I wouldn't cartblank say not to go. It would really depend on the individual. From my research, alot of emotional abusers don't even realize they're actions constitute as abuse. And from my research I've found that counseling will really only work if the abuser recognizes their actions as abuse (which means they have to be confronted with it) and they have to genuenly want to change that behavior.
I'm sure that's not the majority of abusers that you all have encountered, but I'm still hopeful that my husband can change. If I'm wrong, I give you all permission to give me a big I told you so.
I figured this out after 9 agonizing sessions with a professional counselor and a pastor.
The last session, I had a cold feeling of dread in my stomach and a little voice in my head that said, "Run! Get out! Never come back here again!" I'm glad I heeded that voice.
I read your lovely, optimistic post when I arrived
home after a long day. I certainly still hope for
you, that all goes exactly the way you're hoping.
Now that I'm rested, I wanted to add some things
this morning.
It's really great that you're doing research.
That's very smart.
And it's great, that your counselor spotlighted
that having his buttons pushed did not justify
your husband's physical bullying. Excellent.
One of the problems that contributes to
couples counseling not working for
virtually all relationships characterized
by abuse, is that. . . . it doesn't matter
what an abuser "realizes" or doesn't
realize.
The way the brain works means that
an abuser who's been emotionally
injured early in their life and who then
proceeds to bully and abuse their
intimate partner over a period of
time, has entrenched behavioral
patterns. Entrenched behavioral
patterns carry a LOT more weight
in regards to what a person does
than what a person "realizes."
And if that person has a long history
of having a pattern entrenched, then
intellectual information is a lot less
potent in regards to what they do, than
the entrenched pattern.
I genuinely hope, Amanda, that your
husband is one of the very, very few
abusers capable of [1] being reached
and [2] successfully changing.
Sending you wishes for all the best.
Take very good care of yourself.
He has made very clear that he won't accept any kind of therapy, now I see I didn't miss anything.