Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Cut-and-Paste post from tooday's
Wolf's Daily Howl
Greetings Readers and Posters ----
I said Thursday I'd talk more about injury, over the weekend.
I'm going to shift sideways, slightly, and talk about Couples Counseling in the context of an intervention for an abusive relationship.
[1] Couples counseling are trained to start from the presumption of an even playing field, which of course, is not the case, in an abusive relationship.
[2] Few couples counselors are trained to recognize emotional abuse. Fewer counselors know how to intervene safely and effectively.
[3] A slick manipulator will con and control most therapists.
[4] When the target/victim in an abusive relationship brings a complaint, if the therapist misses the gravity and rolls over the complaint, the abuser gets much-coveted validation.
[5] If the therapist misses the point, the target/victim may be abused a second time, in the session, by either the abuser or the therapist.
[6] If the target/victim is admonished by the therapist, the abuser gets much-coveted validation BIG TIME.
[7] Whether or not the therapist has admonished the target/victim, the target/victim is likely to be abused again after the session, as punishment for bringing up the point or complain to the therapist in the session. This punishment can range from the silent treatment to rage to mortal threat.
[8] Knowledge is power. Inherent in the way therapy works in session, whatever the target/victim reveals within the session becomes a tool for the abuser to use against the target/victim later, at home. This can be any piece of information, small or significant.
[9] The abuser will pick up whatever issue the therapist focuses on that the target/victim may need to work on, as evidence that the target/victim is the problem. Later at home, this will be hammered upon endlessly, and will become the subsequent point of all sessions.
[10] The abuser will learn the terminology and buzz words of therapy. The abuser will then use them constantly to make his/her point and position against the target/abuser.
[11] If the therapist urges the abuser to go home and express his/her emotions more openly, the target/victim is likely to experience an increased torrent of abuse around the abusers complaints.
[12] The abuser is likely to latch onto a small issue brought up in therapy, change him/herself for the better, in relation to that small issue, and then point to that small change as evidence of good faith and more to come. The small change for the better was, in fact, an insincere token change.
[13] The abuser will forever-after point to his/her participation in couples therapy, even if just once, as proof that s/he cares about the relationship and has done what s/he could to save it. S/he may even say things like: I've been to therapy and I'm fixed.
These are my reservations about couples counseling as an intervention in the context of an abusive relationship. Have I left any out?
IW
(material copyrighted 2008 Healing Wolf Tracks)
Wolf's Daily Howl
Greetings Readers and Posters ----
I said Thursday I'd talk more about injury, over the weekend.
I'm going to shift sideways, slightly, and talk about Couples Counseling in the context of an intervention for an abusive relationship.
[1] Couples counseling are trained to start from the presumption of an even playing field, which of course, is not the case, in an abusive relationship.
[2] Few couples counselors are trained to recognize emotional abuse. Fewer counselors know how to intervene safely and effectively.
[3] A slick manipulator will con and control most therapists.
[4] When the target/victim in an abusive relationship brings a complaint, if the therapist misses the gravity and rolls over the complaint, the abuser gets much-coveted validation.
[5] If the therapist misses the point, the target/victim may be abused a second time, in the session, by either the abuser or the therapist.
[6] If the target/victim is admonished by the therapist, the abuser gets much-coveted validation BIG TIME.
[7] Whether or not the therapist has admonished the target/victim, the target/victim is likely to be abused again after the session, as punishment for bringing up the point or complain to the therapist in the session. This punishment can range from the silent treatment to rage to mortal threat.
[8] Knowledge is power. Inherent in the way therapy works in session, whatever the target/victim reveals within the session becomes a tool for the abuser to use against the target/victim later, at home. This can be any piece of information, small or significant.
[9] The abuser will pick up whatever issue the therapist focuses on that the target/victim may need to work on, as evidence that the target/victim is the problem. Later at home, this will be hammered upon endlessly, and will become the subsequent point of all sessions.
[10] The abuser will learn the terminology and buzz words of therapy. The abuser will then use them constantly to make his/her point and position against the target/abuser.
[11] If the therapist urges the abuser to go home and express his/her emotions more openly, the target/victim is likely to experience an increased torrent of abuse around the abusers complaints.
[12] The abuser is likely to latch onto a small issue brought up in therapy, change him/herself for the better, in relation to that small issue, and then point to that small change as evidence of good faith and more to come. The small change for the better was, in fact, an insincere token change.
[13] The abuser will forever-after point to his/her participation in couples therapy, even if just once, as proof that s/he cares about the relationship and has done what s/he could to save it. S/he may even say things like: I've been to therapy and I'm fixed.
These are my reservations about couples counseling as an intervention in the context of an abusive relationship. Have I left any out?
IW
(material copyrighted 2008 Healing Wolf Tracks)
I am so very glad that my H flatly refused to go. But then, he changed his mind and said he would go and that I had remembered things incorrectly (his usual selective memory at work).
But, as we talked about going yesterday, it led to the same old arguments, and so I was the one who told him that we couldn't go on living together, supposedly as husband and wife in a relationship devoid of respect, real communication, and a partnership. Then, to my surprise and pleasure, he agreed. So instead of talking marital counseling we started talking the nuts and bolts of the divorce. Since we had just been through most of it, we knew what needed to be done. I also got him to agree to not using lawyers. In MN you can do it for yourself. We DO NEED some experts for evaluation of community property, but the original settlement is still on the table and is being used except for the updates on valuations of our home and its contents.
The thing that I find most upsetting about this post, is how many of the readers do not talk about leaving their abusive situations. It seems that they are willing to stay in them. Very few talk about getting divorced and moving on.
Please ladies, and the few gentlemen to which this applies, forget the counseling and go to a attorney. Your spouse it bad for you and you need to be free from his/her control, lies, and hurtful behavior. Whatever your situation is, if you are reading this post, my advice is to find a way to get out....and get out NOW!
Take care~BZB
You're so right, the only option really, in the end, is leaving. But it took me a long time to come to that conclusion, and it takes a lot of us a long time. I have been out now over 6 years, my life is so far beyond what I ever dreamed it could be.
I drift away from this community, and then I drift back, because the work that goes on here is hard. I think you'd find that many of the people in this thread did make it out, eventually. And in large part, because of this community.
I could not have sat down with my husband at any point to deal with the nuts and bolts of my divorce. It took a 3 day trial and an appeal to the State Supreme Court. I get that divorce is a really scary idea for a lot of us. For me, there just came a point where it was scarier to stay with him than to leave.
Everyone on this board is capable of so much more than they think. I know of at least 2 or 3 women, who came here just seeking advice on dealing with the abuse, who ended up leaving because of what they learned here.
So, keep sharing the information, keep supporting each other. No one deserves abuse. No one. If you don't know where to start, just start by thinking thoughts that you don't share with your abuser. Start by making some plans that don't include him. Empower yourself.
Love and light...
My (now ex)husband went to couple's counseling because he was looking for validation that I was a complete screw up. The only session he ever "got anything out of" is when she determined that our problems were solely a result of my issues. She determined that I was the one that needed fixing.
I dreaded every session because he used these sessions to berate me and put me down and yell at me, and once I was reduced to tears, he would then reach over and "comfort" me. Never once did the counselor intervene.
During our final session he was shouting so loud that the therapist in the next office interrupted and asked if she needed to call the police. Our counselor said no, everything was fine.
He continued to yell and she wouldn't intervene. I got up and walked out. I never went back.
Ironically, It was actually at couple's counseling that I realized I was in an abusive marriage.