Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Cut-and-Paste post from tooday's
Wolf's Daily Howl
Greetings Readers and Posters ----
I said Thursday I'd talk more about injury, over the weekend.
I'm going to shift sideways, slightly, and talk about Couples Counseling in the context of an intervention for an abusive relationship.
[1] Couples counseling are trained to start from the presumption of an even playing field, which of course, is not the case, in an abusive relationship.
[2] Few couples counselors are trained to recognize emotional abuse. Fewer counselors know how to intervene safely and effectively.
[3] A slick manipulator will con and control most therapists.
[4] When the target/victim in an abusive relationship brings a complaint, if the therapist misses the gravity and rolls over the complaint, the abuser gets much-coveted validation.
[5] If the therapist misses the point, the target/victim may be abused a second time, in the session, by either the abuser or the therapist.
[6] If the target/victim is admonished by the therapist, the abuser gets much-coveted validation BIG TIME.
[7] Whether or not the therapist has admonished the target/victim, the target/victim is likely to be abused again after the session, as punishment for bringing up the point or complain to the therapist in the session. This punishment can range from the silent treatment to rage to mortal threat.
[8] Knowledge is power. Inherent in the way therapy works in session, whatever the target/victim reveals within the session becomes a tool for the abuser to use against the target/victim later, at home. This can be any piece of information, small or significant.
[9] The abuser will pick up whatever issue the therapist focuses on that the target/victim may need to work on, as evidence that the target/victim is the problem. Later at home, this will be hammered upon endlessly, and will become the subsequent point of all sessions.
[10] The abuser will learn the terminology and buzz words of therapy. The abuser will then use them constantly to make his/her point and position against the target/abuser.
[11] If the therapist urges the abuser to go home and express his/her emotions more openly, the target/victim is likely to experience an increased torrent of abuse around the abusers complaints.
[12] The abuser is likely to latch onto a small issue brought up in therapy, change him/herself for the better, in relation to that small issue, and then point to that small change as evidence of good faith and more to come. The small change for the better was, in fact, an insincere token change.
[13] The abuser will forever-after point to his/her participation in couples therapy, even if just once, as proof that s/he cares about the relationship and has done what s/he could to save it. S/he may even say things like: I've been to therapy and I'm fixed.
These are my reservations about couples counseling as an intervention in the context of an abusive relationship. Have I left any out?
IW
(material copyrighted 2008 Healing Wolf Tracks)
Wolf's Daily Howl
Greetings Readers and Posters ----
I said Thursday I'd talk more about injury, over the weekend.
I'm going to shift sideways, slightly, and talk about Couples Counseling in the context of an intervention for an abusive relationship.
[1] Couples counseling are trained to start from the presumption of an even playing field, which of course, is not the case, in an abusive relationship.
[2] Few couples counselors are trained to recognize emotional abuse. Fewer counselors know how to intervene safely and effectively.
[3] A slick manipulator will con and control most therapists.
[4] When the target/victim in an abusive relationship brings a complaint, if the therapist misses the gravity and rolls over the complaint, the abuser gets much-coveted validation.
[5] If the therapist misses the point, the target/victim may be abused a second time, in the session, by either the abuser or the therapist.
[6] If the target/victim is admonished by the therapist, the abuser gets much-coveted validation BIG TIME.
[7] Whether or not the therapist has admonished the target/victim, the target/victim is likely to be abused again after the session, as punishment for bringing up the point or complain to the therapist in the session. This punishment can range from the silent treatment to rage to mortal threat.
[8] Knowledge is power. Inherent in the way therapy works in session, whatever the target/victim reveals within the session becomes a tool for the abuser to use against the target/victim later, at home. This can be any piece of information, small or significant.
[9] The abuser will pick up whatever issue the therapist focuses on that the target/victim may need to work on, as evidence that the target/victim is the problem. Later at home, this will be hammered upon endlessly, and will become the subsequent point of all sessions.
[10] The abuser will learn the terminology and buzz words of therapy. The abuser will then use them constantly to make his/her point and position against the target/abuser.
[11] If the therapist urges the abuser to go home and express his/her emotions more openly, the target/victim is likely to experience an increased torrent of abuse around the abusers complaints.
[12] The abuser is likely to latch onto a small issue brought up in therapy, change him/herself for the better, in relation to that small issue, and then point to that small change as evidence of good faith and more to come. The small change for the better was, in fact, an insincere token change.
[13] The abuser will forever-after point to his/her participation in couples therapy, even if just once, as proof that s/he cares about the relationship and has done what s/he could to save it. S/he may even say things like: I've been to therapy and I'm fixed.
These are my reservations about couples counseling as an intervention in the context of an abusive relationship. Have I left any out?
IW
(material copyrighted 2008 Healing Wolf Tracks)
I 'needed' to see your post today. It validated what I was thinking and feeling. As well, reading the other posts as well validated it. Wow.... Thanks Everyone!
Peace Love and Joy
does NOT help when there's
intimate abuse
for about twenty-five different reasons.
At best, it's INeffective.
At worst, it can cause a FATALITY.
Wow, what an eye opener. I had been held down so long I had no idea that this was happening to me. My counselor helped me see who I had become at his expense. I wanted me back.
So here I am two+ years later. I no longer have a H I have a stbx. I no longer live with his bs on a daily basis. My kids are happy and relaxed because they no longer have to deal with the stress he caused all of us directly and indirectly. And although I still have tough days, my life will only get better the further I pull away from him.
Because he was stubborn and refused to go, I found my freedom and strength! Yay for me!
I'll just add a thing about individual abuse counseling as well. My H was in individual abuse counseling during the beginning of our relationship.
I read that for some abusers, especially narcissists, knowledge about abuse and domestic violence makes them worse.
I believe this is the case for my H--because he knew the "easy" rules for how to identify an abuser, so he made his abuse more insidious and difficult to identify.
He only called me a name once in all the five years of abuse--all his emotional abuse was worded in a much more "benign" way. And it was much more insidious.
Also, he took his knowledge of abuse and used it to accuse me of abuse many times in our relationship.
For example, I was down on the ground sobbing, while he suggested to me to go screw every man around the block since I am so obviously sex crazed (I am not, but it is a painful topic for me--especially since I lost my V on a date rape). He had all his ammo lined up, and listed every time he thought I "flirted" with another guy, how I dressed, and also listed the things he had read in my journal from when I was a teenager, or painful memories I had confided in him--as evidence of my "problem" of being "sex crazed."
I got up enough courage to defend myself against this most cruel attack against my vulnerable insecurities and said, "At least I'm not an A**hole like you!" He just kept going.
I got to hear about how abusive I was for months--because notice, I called him a cuss word-- whereas he was careful not to call me any names. I ended up apologizing.
In short--if an abuser doesn't want to change, then the counseling is just ammo. "knowledge is power" like Illene said.
I see a lot of similarities between my abusive ex and yours.
Mine would also accuse me of abuse from time to time. He would also read my journals from when I was young and use the info in them against me. He would use any small thing and turn it around and interrogate and question me as if I am the guilty party.
My ex was REALLY good at the VERY subtle forms of psychological/emotional abuse during our relationship. It was only when i tried to break up with him several times when he would unleash the more overt kind of abuses, ie. name-calling, insulting, degrading, etc..
We never went to couples counselling because after I tried to book appointments, he just tried to find ways to get out of it. This was when I had no idea that couples counselling didn't work. I tried to get him to any kind of therapy, and he would always promise, but never deliver on his promises.
It's like having your worst enemy and your lover all wrapped up in one! Imagine how much worse the James Bond bad guys would be if they had been "intimate" with him for a considerable period of time--or read his journal and listened to his memories and his feelings. Good thing he is your ex gamine! You deserve better than that. I still can't fathom how anyone could use a lover's journal to strike out against them--it's so wrong in so many ways.
as i read this i can see how he can spin it twist it..however i dont think he would care if i didnt set it up..how can trained professionals not know the signs of abuse?or a narc antisocial etc?
in my case long story my h had a physch eval (not of his own will nor due to me) it came back with he had delusions antisocial behaviors. narcissism..borderline..something else i cant remember..
how i mean how can they not see it .if they are trained in therapy individual or couple?
he has gone to his own individual therapist for abotu 6 7 sessions now .im not sure if she sees it.its seems he has gotten worse and more self centered..
i dont know what to do..
btw the physch eval i didnt know what to think..i mean this way a physoclogist who saw him and tested him for 3 hrs ..how could he tell some ink blots..how can a counselor not see it..a lscw he has..not to mention a marriage counselor..?
(and I've graduated grad school),
is that psychologists and the
degrees they've earned to this
point in time, have not been
focused in on the dynamics of
abuse. I believe is that intimate
abuse and domestic violence
wasn't even on the interventional
radar till around forty years ago.
Since then, it's gained more attention.
But that's mainly been PHYSICAL abuse.
Emotional abuse has not been made a
subject of study (overall. . . . there might
be a few programs here and there but
nothing close to a tipping point, to this
point in time).
It's not that therapists are mean or
incompetent. They just haven't had
course-work in it. The closest is the
clinicians who study family systems
therapy.
My "course work" on abuse, came in real life.
(And yes, I studied family systems therapy.)
I went to a parade of clinicians throughout
my adult life, and then three couple counselor,
one was a PhD, in my marriage.
NONE. . . . . N - O - N - E
NONE
pinpointed anything useful in regards
to what I needed to know. Some gave
me good tips and my last individual
therapist helped me flesh out some
of what I was beginning to understand
on my own.
But the couples clinicians were the
absolute worst. They just absolutely
didn't identify what they were seeing!
And as this thread illustrates, I'm not
the only one who's experienced this.
Couples counselling is, and should be, about the opposite of apportioning blame and responsibility. But in abusive relationships, one party IS to blame and IS responsible. And so a couples counsellor will not only miss abuse, but will actively work at avoiding seeing it, in order to be "fair'.
Just my thoughts on it.
(As always.)
I totally agree.
And that's how clinicians
are taught to approach it.
Which would, of course,
make sense, in anything
but an abusive scenario.
The irony is that two people
who are fully functioning and
love each other are generally
able to find their way through
most of life's challenges, and
can probably make it through
without a mediator.
An abuser, however, makes
all of that impossible.
And most grad programs don't
educate for emotional abuse.
Your "irony" comment got me thinking. Perhaps the truth is that it is mostly in abusive relationships that couples counselling is necessary. Because perhaps it's in those relationships that a mediator is required. I am NOT suggesting that couples counselling as it currently is should be recommended, because of the stance they take and the perception they walk in with. But perhaps the whole concept of couples counselling should be rethought. Perhaps I was wrong in suggesting that they SHOULD come at it from the angle of a loving couple. I suspect you are right - a genuinely even and loving couple would rarely have need of couples counselling. Perhaps couples counsellors SHOULD come at this from the point of looking to see if there is one or other "at fault", one or other abusing.
That said, it's not reality, it's not going to happen in the short term, and so I have most definitely not changed my view on whether couples counselling is a good idea in an abusive situation. It is a very VERY bad idea.
The reality of an abusive realationship
is that a "counseling' intervention will
not merely be ineffective, but there is
simply no foundation for it to be anything
other than a further danger to the victim.
Until a traditionally trained couples counselor
is able to identify an abusive dynamic in progress,
the victim in the dynamic will continue to be at
risk of continuing and escalating abuse.
I've pulled two particular bullets out
from near the end of the linked page:
Couples counseling sends the abuser and the abused woman the wrong message. The abuser learns that his partner is pushing his buttons and touching him off and that she needs to adjust her behavior to avoid getting him so upset. This is precisely what he has been claiming all along.
And
The message to you from couples counseling is: You can make your abusive partner behave better toward you by changing how YOU behave toward HIM. Such a message is, frankly, fraudulent.