Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Cut-and-Paste post from tooday's
Wolf's Daily Howl
Greetings Readers and Posters ----
I said Thursday I'd talk more about injury, over the weekend.
I'm going to shift sideways, slightly, and talk about Couples Counseling in the context of an intervention for an abusive relationship.
[1] Couples counseling are trained to start from the presumption of an even playing field, which of course, is not the case, in an abusive relationship.
[2] Few couples counselors are trained to recognize emotional abuse. Fewer counselors know how to intervene safely and effectively.
[3] A slick manipulator will con and control most therapists.
[4] When the target/victim in an abusive relationship brings a complaint, if the therapist misses the gravity and rolls over the complaint, the abuser gets much-coveted validation.
[5] If the therapist misses the point, the target/victim may be abused a second time, in the session, by either the abuser or the therapist.
[6] If the target/victim is admonished by the therapist, the abuser gets much-coveted validation BIG TIME.
[7] Whether or not the therapist has admonished the target/victim, the target/victim is likely to be abused again after the session, as punishment for bringing up the point or complain to the therapist in the session. This punishment can range from the silent treatment to rage to mortal threat.
[8] Knowledge is power. Inherent in the way therapy works in session, whatever the target/victim reveals within the session becomes a tool for the abuser to use against the target/victim later, at home. This can be any piece of information, small or significant.
[9] The abuser will pick up whatever issue the therapist focuses on that the target/victim may need to work on, as evidence that the target/victim is the problem. Later at home, this will be hammered upon endlessly, and will become the subsequent point of all sessions.
[10] The abuser will learn the terminology and buzz words of therapy. The abuser will then use them constantly to make his/her point and position against the target/abuser.
[11] If the therapist urges the abuser to go home and express his/her emotions more openly, the target/victim is likely to experience an increased torrent of abuse around the abusers complaints.
[12] The abuser is likely to latch onto a small issue brought up in therapy, change him/herself for the better, in relation to that small issue, and then point to that small change as evidence of good faith and more to come. The small change for the better was, in fact, an insincere token change.
[13] The abuser will forever-after point to his/her participation in couples therapy, even if just once, as proof that s/he cares about the relationship and has done what s/he could to save it. S/he may even say things like: I've been to therapy and I'm fixed.
These are my reservations about couples counseling as an intervention in the context of an abusive relationship. Have I left any out?
IW
(material copyrighted 2008 Healing Wolf Tracks)
Wolf's Daily Howl
Greetings Readers and Posters ----
I said Thursday I'd talk more about injury, over the weekend.
I'm going to shift sideways, slightly, and talk about Couples Counseling in the context of an intervention for an abusive relationship.
[1] Couples counseling are trained to start from the presumption of an even playing field, which of course, is not the case, in an abusive relationship.
[2] Few couples counselors are trained to recognize emotional abuse. Fewer counselors know how to intervene safely and effectively.
[3] A slick manipulator will con and control most therapists.
[4] When the target/victim in an abusive relationship brings a complaint, if the therapist misses the gravity and rolls over the complaint, the abuser gets much-coveted validation.
[5] If the therapist misses the point, the target/victim may be abused a second time, in the session, by either the abuser or the therapist.
[6] If the target/victim is admonished by the therapist, the abuser gets much-coveted validation BIG TIME.
[7] Whether or not the therapist has admonished the target/victim, the target/victim is likely to be abused again after the session, as punishment for bringing up the point or complain to the therapist in the session. This punishment can range from the silent treatment to rage to mortal threat.
[8] Knowledge is power. Inherent in the way therapy works in session, whatever the target/victim reveals within the session becomes a tool for the abuser to use against the target/victim later, at home. This can be any piece of information, small or significant.
[9] The abuser will pick up whatever issue the therapist focuses on that the target/victim may need to work on, as evidence that the target/victim is the problem. Later at home, this will be hammered upon endlessly, and will become the subsequent point of all sessions.
[10] The abuser will learn the terminology and buzz words of therapy. The abuser will then use them constantly to make his/her point and position against the target/abuser.
[11] If the therapist urges the abuser to go home and express his/her emotions more openly, the target/victim is likely to experience an increased torrent of abuse around the abusers complaints.
[12] The abuser is likely to latch onto a small issue brought up in therapy, change him/herself for the better, in relation to that small issue, and then point to that small change as evidence of good faith and more to come. The small change for the better was, in fact, an insincere token change.
[13] The abuser will forever-after point to his/her participation in couples therapy, even if just once, as proof that s/he cares about the relationship and has done what s/he could to save it. S/he may even say things like: I've been to therapy and I'm fixed.
These are my reservations about couples counseling as an intervention in the context of an abusive relationship. Have I left any out?
IW
(material copyrighted 2008 Healing Wolf Tracks)
There
is
no
peace
with
an
abuser...........
AWESOME FREAKIN POST! So informative. It was something I knew instictively - not to take him to counseling with me. And I didnt avoid the issue "You will only throw the stuff the counselor says in my face" I told him. Of course he denied it. I mistakenly shared something with him (out of my false need to seek his approval or not to keep secrets from my husband) and of course he brought it into our arguments. Each time denying the fact that we discussed how it made me feel after he did it the first time. A desperate attempt on his behalf to make me feel worse than he already has...because now the counselor has confirmed it. Then goes on to tell me "I think you wont take me to counseling with you because you scared shes going to tell me something you dont want me to know." Damn right, you man-boy!!! Stay home and sulk while I take these itty bitty baby steps away from you! So glad I logged on today. I was so on the fence with the couples counseling because I didnt want to give up on my marriage without expiring my resources. Again, thank you for posting!!!
If any good came out of that session, it was seeing my ex turn into a monster right before my eyes. I saw his monster right then and there, and that monster was not seeing me at all. It was like he was in another universe.
It was horrible. I agree with everything anyone has written here...DON'T DO IT. It's a waste of money.
I wouldn't say I'm an abuser (I hope) but I know I'd been a controlling asshole with her up to that point. And I also know I did not come clean with the counselor about a lot of things. I wonder how much I manipulated the situation to make me look more like the victim?
It's serious food for thought for me.
Personally, I have an appointment with said counselor for a one-on-one session. I intend to tell all my secrets. I'm hopeful we can develop a plan.
I
[3] A slick manipulator will con and control most therapists.
That one is what I'm sooo afraid of, that he'll meet with the therapist and it will turn against me or he'll make it like everyone else sees it.
I just kicked my H out yesterday because I was tired of the abuse and tired of the lies, the sneakiness, the non-communication, all of it...but most of what he got was because it was of the porn/strip clubs and gambling....he doesn't see or hear that I'm tired of him abusing me. He doesn't consider or take in my feelings, just his own.
He has certain habits that I wonder even after marriage he hasn't stopped or makes it as though I am the problem and I'm the only one who has to change...but nothing I've done has been good enough.
So I must say that I feel counseling will almost be a waste of time and I'd rather just be divorced, but it's worth the try - right? and I'll know if he's changed, because maybe then he'd be a nicer person to me and the kids..HA
I'm sorry for your pain.
Deception, non-communication, not
caring about your feelings and gambling
are indicators of abuse and other serious
dysfunctional patterns.
Your feeling that couple counseling
would be a waste of time under those
circumstances, is likely to be your
best hunch.
Couple counseling in the case of an
abusive marriage is
WORSE THAN NOTHING
. . . . definitely NOT
"worth a try."
Get counseling for yourself
and practice self-care. You
might connect with your local
women's center and see what
resources they have to offer.
Sending you hugs and healing thoughts.
It's so funny - he had his appointment with the counselor yesterday and when he came to get the kids - he acted like I didn't exist. First communication with him since I kicked him out 9am Tuesday was 715pm Weds when he wanted me to walk him to the door as he left. That's SO funny - well the counseling for me and him and both of us together...is just going to show me more true colors and whether or not he is serious or just doing counseling to say he did it....but after talking with her...his addictions etc...she can't change or fix those...maybe help our communication but I am skeptical to believe he can or will change - especially since he's taken this separation as more like a break for him/vaca rather than a time to reflect and work on our relationship....so yeah...I'm not setting any expectations for couples counseling to do much.