Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Cut-and-Paste post from tooday's
Wolf's Daily Howl
Greetings Readers and Posters ----
I said Thursday I'd talk more about injury, over the weekend.
I'm going to shift sideways, slightly, and talk about Couples Counseling in the context of an intervention for an abusive relationship.
[1] Couples counseling are trained to start from the presumption of an even playing field, which of course, is not the case, in an abusive relationship.
[2] Few couples counselors are trained to recognize emotional abuse. Fewer counselors know how to intervene safely and effectively.
[3] A slick manipulator will con and control most therapists.
[4] When the target/victim in an abusive relationship brings a complaint, if the therapist misses the gravity and rolls over the complaint, the abuser gets much-coveted validation.
[5] If the therapist misses the point, the target/victim may be abused a second time, in the session, by either the abuser or the therapist.
[6] If the target/victim is admonished by the therapist, the abuser gets much-coveted validation BIG TIME.
[7] Whether or not the therapist has admonished the target/victim, the target/victim is likely to be abused again after the session, as punishment for bringing up the point or complain to the therapist in the session. This punishment can range from the silent treatment to rage to mortal threat.
[8] Knowledge is power. Inherent in the way therapy works in session, whatever the target/victim reveals within the session becomes a tool for the abuser to use against the target/victim later, at home. This can be any piece of information, small or significant.
[9] The abuser will pick up whatever issue the therapist focuses on that the target/victim may need to work on, as evidence that the target/victim is the problem. Later at home, this will be hammered upon endlessly, and will become the subsequent point of all sessions.
[10] The abuser will learn the terminology and buzz words of therapy. The abuser will then use them constantly to make his/her point and position against the target/abuser.
[11] If the therapist urges the abuser to go home and express his/her emotions more openly, the target/victim is likely to experience an increased torrent of abuse around the abusers complaints.
[12] The abuser is likely to latch onto a small issue brought up in therapy, change him/herself for the better, in relation to that small issue, and then point to that small change as evidence of good faith and more to come. The small change for the better was, in fact, an insincere token change.
[13] The abuser will forever-after point to his/her participation in couples therapy, even if just once, as proof that s/he cares about the relationship and has done what s/he could to save it. S/he may even say things like: I've been to therapy and I'm fixed.
These are my reservations about couples counseling as an intervention in the context of an abusive relationship. Have I left any out?
IW
(material copyrighted 2008 Healing Wolf Tracks)
Wolf's Daily Howl
Greetings Readers and Posters ----
I said Thursday I'd talk more about injury, over the weekend.
I'm going to shift sideways, slightly, and talk about Couples Counseling in the context of an intervention for an abusive relationship.
[1] Couples counseling are trained to start from the presumption of an even playing field, which of course, is not the case, in an abusive relationship.
[2] Few couples counselors are trained to recognize emotional abuse. Fewer counselors know how to intervene safely and effectively.
[3] A slick manipulator will con and control most therapists.
[4] When the target/victim in an abusive relationship brings a complaint, if the therapist misses the gravity and rolls over the complaint, the abuser gets much-coveted validation.
[5] If the therapist misses the point, the target/victim may be abused a second time, in the session, by either the abuser or the therapist.
[6] If the target/victim is admonished by the therapist, the abuser gets much-coveted validation BIG TIME.
[7] Whether or not the therapist has admonished the target/victim, the target/victim is likely to be abused again after the session, as punishment for bringing up the point or complain to the therapist in the session. This punishment can range from the silent treatment to rage to mortal threat.
[8] Knowledge is power. Inherent in the way therapy works in session, whatever the target/victim reveals within the session becomes a tool for the abuser to use against the target/victim later, at home. This can be any piece of information, small or significant.
[9] The abuser will pick up whatever issue the therapist focuses on that the target/victim may need to work on, as evidence that the target/victim is the problem. Later at home, this will be hammered upon endlessly, and will become the subsequent point of all sessions.
[10] The abuser will learn the terminology and buzz words of therapy. The abuser will then use them constantly to make his/her point and position against the target/abuser.
[11] If the therapist urges the abuser to go home and express his/her emotions more openly, the target/victim is likely to experience an increased torrent of abuse around the abusers complaints.
[12] The abuser is likely to latch onto a small issue brought up in therapy, change him/herself for the better, in relation to that small issue, and then point to that small change as evidence of good faith and more to come. The small change for the better was, in fact, an insincere token change.
[13] The abuser will forever-after point to his/her participation in couples therapy, even if just once, as proof that s/he cares about the relationship and has done what s/he could to save it. S/he may even say things like: I've been to therapy and I'm fixed.
These are my reservations about couples counseling as an intervention in the context of an abusive relationship. Have I left any out?
IW
(material copyrighted 2008 Healing Wolf Tracks)
My husband tried relentlessly to get me to go to couples counseling with him, and I agreed to go to the counselor but on separate occasions. After the first session, it was clear that he had manipulated the couples therapist already. She did not want to hear anything I had to say about my feelings or view on the situation, and was fixated on my "having an affair" (a story my husband happily crafted) instead of the fact that he tried to manipulate me sexually because I was emotionally vulnerable.
Each time I insisted on him seeing another counselor, he refused I believe because he had become comfortable with how easily he could manipulate this one. He constantly points to his sessions as proof that he is "trying to fix things", while using my refusal to go to the therapist any longer as evidence that I don't care.
He finally started seeing another therapist who specializes in sexual abuse, disorders, manipulation etc. and gave me his tearful and heartfelt enlightenment speech, only to soon retract everything he had admitted to.
Thank you so much for posting this, it has helped so much to make sense of this issue and has really helped me overcome so much cognitive dissonance, especially with the back and forth of my husband with the "enlightenments" and take-backs, etc. It is hard when someone cries to you that they have been enlightened about their behavior, only to turn around and go back to their old excuses about this behavior. It is obvious that he has been using therapy only as a tactic to use against me.
Thank you again!
After the session, I asked my ex-wife if it wouldn't be better that we find a babysitter for a few sessions and then bring the children in the therapy. She told me that the therapist isn't any good and she isn't returning. I stayed with the therapist for individual counseling and learned how I was being manipulated and provoked to anger and never getting it right so that my "narcissistic" ex-wife could have her way. Two years later, I detached and accepted that my ex was only really interested in money. I paid 32% of my income in child support for the next 14 years after three court battles over the amount. Even my ex-wife's lawyer had a frown on her face as the judge stated that this is the last increase. The original decree called for 27% of my income. Then, my ex-wife sent me bills which I foolishly paid. Twenty years later, I cut her off and haven't spoken with her again.
Emotional and mental abuse is devastating. My ex-wife attempted to turn me against my own parents and friends stopped coming around within the first couple of years of marriage to her.
It is very true that the abuser always wins because the abuser isn't concerned with a settlement or reasoning through problems. Abusers will stop at nothing to get their way. I was the biggest loser for having known that woman. I don't want anything to do with her even if that means strained relationships with our daughters.
Choose wisely, my friends. I regret ever knowing my ex-wife. It was the most unfortunate moment of my life when I met her.
My wife and I before she committed suicide tried to get into couples counseling but it was too expensive and we were rejected form the local LGBT center for having too many issues. I now see maybe it wouldn't have helped.
With my last ex-boyfriend we went to exactly one couples counseling session at a psych ward I was inpatient at and it helped somewhat. That was a few years ago, though.
I find at this point that couples counseling probably wouldn't help my ex-boyfriend and I anymore. Reading this thread has been helpful in coming to that decision.