Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Cut-and-Paste post from tooday's
Wolf's Daily Howl
Greetings Readers and Posters ----
I said Thursday I'd talk more about injury, over the weekend.
I'm going to shift sideways, slightly, and talk about Couples Counseling in the context of an intervention for an abusive relationship.
[1] Couples counseling are trained to start from the presumption of an even playing field, which of course, is not the case, in an abusive relationship.
[2] Few couples counselors are trained to recognize emotional abuse. Fewer counselors know how to intervene safely and effectively.
[3] A slick manipulator will con and control most therapists.
[4] When the target/victim in an abusive relationship brings a complaint, if the therapist misses the gravity and rolls over the complaint, the abuser gets much-coveted validation.
[5] If the therapist misses the point, the target/victim may be abused a second time, in the session, by either the abuser or the therapist.
[6] If the target/victim is admonished by the therapist, the abuser gets much-coveted validation BIG TIME.
[7] Whether or not the therapist has admonished the target/victim, the target/victim is likely to be abused again after the session, as punishment for bringing up the point or complain to the therapist in the session. This punishment can range from the silent treatment to rage to mortal threat.
[8] Knowledge is power. Inherent in the way therapy works in session, whatever the target/victim reveals within the session becomes a tool for the abuser to use against the target/victim later, at home. This can be any piece of information, small or significant.
[9] The abuser will pick up whatever issue the therapist focuses on that the target/victim may need to work on, as evidence that the target/victim is the problem. Later at home, this will be hammered upon endlessly, and will become the subsequent point of all sessions.
[10] The abuser will learn the terminology and buzz words of therapy. The abuser will then use them constantly to make his/her point and position against the target/abuser.
[11] If the therapist urges the abuser to go home and express his/her emotions more openly, the target/victim is likely to experience an increased torrent of abuse around the abusers complaints.
[12] The abuser is likely to latch onto a small issue brought up in therapy, change him/herself for the better, in relation to that small issue, and then point to that small change as evidence of good faith and more to come. The small change for the better was, in fact, an insincere token change.
[13] The abuser will forever-after point to his/her participation in couples therapy, even if just once, as proof that s/he cares about the relationship and has done what s/he could to save it. S/he may even say things like: I've been to therapy and I'm fixed.
These are my reservations about couples counseling as an intervention in the context of an abusive relationship. Have I left any out?
IW
(material copyrighted 2008 Healing Wolf Tracks)
Wolf's Daily Howl
Greetings Readers and Posters ----
I said Thursday I'd talk more about injury, over the weekend.
I'm going to shift sideways, slightly, and talk about Couples Counseling in the context of an intervention for an abusive relationship.
[1] Couples counseling are trained to start from the presumption of an even playing field, which of course, is not the case, in an abusive relationship.
[2] Few couples counselors are trained to recognize emotional abuse. Fewer counselors know how to intervene safely and effectively.
[3] A slick manipulator will con and control most therapists.
[4] When the target/victim in an abusive relationship brings a complaint, if the therapist misses the gravity and rolls over the complaint, the abuser gets much-coveted validation.
[5] If the therapist misses the point, the target/victim may be abused a second time, in the session, by either the abuser or the therapist.
[6] If the target/victim is admonished by the therapist, the abuser gets much-coveted validation BIG TIME.
[7] Whether or not the therapist has admonished the target/victim, the target/victim is likely to be abused again after the session, as punishment for bringing up the point or complain to the therapist in the session. This punishment can range from the silent treatment to rage to mortal threat.
[8] Knowledge is power. Inherent in the way therapy works in session, whatever the target/victim reveals within the session becomes a tool for the abuser to use against the target/victim later, at home. This can be any piece of information, small or significant.
[9] The abuser will pick up whatever issue the therapist focuses on that the target/victim may need to work on, as evidence that the target/victim is the problem. Later at home, this will be hammered upon endlessly, and will become the subsequent point of all sessions.
[10] The abuser will learn the terminology and buzz words of therapy. The abuser will then use them constantly to make his/her point and position against the target/abuser.
[11] If the therapist urges the abuser to go home and express his/her emotions more openly, the target/victim is likely to experience an increased torrent of abuse around the abusers complaints.
[12] The abuser is likely to latch onto a small issue brought up in therapy, change him/herself for the better, in relation to that small issue, and then point to that small change as evidence of good faith and more to come. The small change for the better was, in fact, an insincere token change.
[13] The abuser will forever-after point to his/her participation in couples therapy, even if just once, as proof that s/he cares about the relationship and has done what s/he could to save it. S/he may even say things like: I've been to therapy and I'm fixed.
These are my reservations about couples counseling as an intervention in the context of an abusive relationship. Have I left any out?
IW
(material copyrighted 2008 Healing Wolf Tracks)
I'm so sorry!
From what you described, I don't feel like that therapist had much to recommend her to anyone in any kind of real need.
There ARE good therapists. But you have to really search for them.
Add to that, that most therapists don't get any genuine foundation in helping surivors recover from trauma.
And as far as couples counseling? Well ------ I'd say the responses on this thread and other similar threads illustrate that a victim's experience in couple's counseling is seldom beneficial.
For those who've had good experiences, I'm really, really happy for you. Please do share that counselor's name!
Tried again and he was convinced she sided with me because she was a woman. There ya go.
Has anyone read anything by Dr. Steve Stosny? Would that be a good place to get information?
I just made a really quick visit to the Stosny site and it looks like it's worth another look. I can't vouch for everything ---- just spent a couple quick minutes, but he seems on point.
You are right on point. I tried joint counseling, even arranged for a male therapist, thinking my husband would be more agreeable to go and more likely to listen.
My husband lied during the sessions, and later twisted the counselor's words to try to use them against me in arguments. The counselor seemed to have a formula for fixing marital problems, and he wasn't interested in anything outside the "normal" man/woman differences.
I think if you are in a situation where there is emotional abuse, manipulation, control issues, lying, etc., you are better to go alone to see a counselor.
I felt like the first counselor was just adding to the abuse by siding with my husband.
Love Without Hurt: Turn Your Resentful, Angry, or Emotionally Abusive Relationship into a Compassionate, Loving One
There is SO much info, takes some time.
If I had an extra few thousand laying around, I would so be at those Boot Camps with or without "him."
Personally, I find this statement he made comforting "Whether overt or silent, all forms of abuse are failures of compassion; he stops caring about how you feel. Compassion is the lifeblood of marriage and failure of compassion is the heart disease.
"...Love without the sensitivity of compassion is:
Rejecting
Possessive
Controlling
Dangerous
Couples therapy obviously only works if both parties are willing to participate. Unfortunately there are those who think that they have nothing they need to work on because they are addicted to the idea that they are always right.
Unfortunately there are some people that have completely lost touch with their true selves and with any semblense of compassion for others. Have you read anything on Narcasistic Personality Disorder, normally I would be very reluctant to suggest these but in the case of your husband it may be appropriate to mention this.
Adtamer, my husband is the same way!
I first urged him to go to a men's group while the kids and I went to Individual counseling. He quickly flunked out of that program. Said the facilitator was a previous abused woman and she's biased, didn't do assignments, said he wasn't like those guys, Blah, Blah, Blah.
Marriage falling apart at a rapid rate. A friend tells me about this woman, very smart. 25 years experience. Bachelors in Psychology, Masters in Social Work and a PHd. She also led a DV men's group for 10 years.
I told her my concerns with regard to couples therapy and she said she understood and that she has a different approach. She knew that abusers didn't like to compare themselves to each other in group settings, she said facilitators sometimes SHOVE information down the abuser's throat which makes them shut down and refuse treatment.
She promised that it could work and to trust her. I did. It helped for a little while. He talked more, apologized a little faster, handed out a paltry amount of compliments, participated in some "date nights".
Ultimately, he returned to the same behaviors. He eventually got a little more coy with his tactics. The crazymaking got worse. He went from saying, "You're not complaining without blame." Or, "That's a non negotiable item for me (giving me $50)." to "STOP TRYING TO BE A DOCTOR. YOU THINK YOU KNOW EVERYTHING. YOU DON'T LISTEN!"
I now believe that NO couples therapy will work AT ALL. They need their own counselor or group. No if, ands, or buts about it.
Even then it's highly likely that it wont work. I'm a living example right now, as most of us are. Time to take care of self. Forget the abuser. It would take years of sessions for the rest of their lives to change their thinking. They're damaged goods for the most part. Like the bent can of peas on the grocer's shelf that everyone looks past.
However, some person will pick that can up one day, open it and realize that some chips of aluminum broke off into the can, they'll still eat the peas and get sick. They should have left the can on the shelf. Didn't you see it was bent? Abusers are bent canned goods. Don't buy them.