Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Cut-and-Paste post from tooday's
Wolf's Daily Howl
Greetings Readers and Posters ----
I said Thursday I'd talk more about injury, over the weekend.
I'm going to shift sideways, slightly, and talk about Couples Counseling in the context of an intervention for an abusive relationship.
[1] Couples counseling are trained to start from the presumption of an even playing field, which of course, is not the case, in an abusive relationship.
[2] Few couples counselors are trained to recognize emotional abuse. Fewer counselors know how to intervene safely and effectively.
[3] A slick manipulator will con and control most therapists.
[4] When the target/victim in an abusive relationship brings a complaint, if the therapist misses the gravity and rolls over the complaint, the abuser gets much-coveted validation.
[5] If the therapist misses the point, the target/victim may be abused a second time, in the session, by either the abuser or the therapist.
[6] If the target/victim is admonished by the therapist, the abuser gets much-coveted validation BIG TIME.
[7] Whether or not the therapist has admonished the target/victim, the target/victim is likely to be abused again after the session, as punishment for bringing up the point or complain to the therapist in the session. This punishment can range from the silent treatment to rage to mortal threat.
[8] Knowledge is power. Inherent in the way therapy works in session, whatever the target/victim reveals within the session becomes a tool for the abuser to use against the target/victim later, at home. This can be any piece of information, small or significant.
[9] The abuser will pick up whatever issue the therapist focuses on that the target/victim may need to work on, as evidence that the target/victim is the problem. Later at home, this will be hammered upon endlessly, and will become the subsequent point of all sessions.
[10] The abuser will learn the terminology and buzz words of therapy. The abuser will then use them constantly to make his/her point and position against the target/abuser.
[11] If the therapist urges the abuser to go home and express his/her emotions more openly, the target/victim is likely to experience an increased torrent of abuse around the abusers complaints.
[12] The abuser is likely to latch onto a small issue brought up in therapy, change him/herself for the better, in relation to that small issue, and then point to that small change as evidence of good faith and more to come. The small change for the better was, in fact, an insincere token change.
[13] The abuser will forever-after point to his/her participation in couples therapy, even if just once, as proof that s/he cares about the relationship and has done what s/he could to save it. S/he may even say things like: I've been to therapy and I'm fixed.
These are my reservations about couples counseling as an intervention in the context of an abusive relationship. Have I left any out?
IW
(material copyrighted 2008 Healing Wolf Tracks)
Wolf's Daily Howl
Greetings Readers and Posters ----
I said Thursday I'd talk more about injury, over the weekend.
I'm going to shift sideways, slightly, and talk about Couples Counseling in the context of an intervention for an abusive relationship.
[1] Couples counseling are trained to start from the presumption of an even playing field, which of course, is not the case, in an abusive relationship.
[2] Few couples counselors are trained to recognize emotional abuse. Fewer counselors know how to intervene safely and effectively.
[3] A slick manipulator will con and control most therapists.
[4] When the target/victim in an abusive relationship brings a complaint, if the therapist misses the gravity and rolls over the complaint, the abuser gets much-coveted validation.
[5] If the therapist misses the point, the target/victim may be abused a second time, in the session, by either the abuser or the therapist.
[6] If the target/victim is admonished by the therapist, the abuser gets much-coveted validation BIG TIME.
[7] Whether or not the therapist has admonished the target/victim, the target/victim is likely to be abused again after the session, as punishment for bringing up the point or complain to the therapist in the session. This punishment can range from the silent treatment to rage to mortal threat.
[8] Knowledge is power. Inherent in the way therapy works in session, whatever the target/victim reveals within the session becomes a tool for the abuser to use against the target/victim later, at home. This can be any piece of information, small or significant.
[9] The abuser will pick up whatever issue the therapist focuses on that the target/victim may need to work on, as evidence that the target/victim is the problem. Later at home, this will be hammered upon endlessly, and will become the subsequent point of all sessions.
[10] The abuser will learn the terminology and buzz words of therapy. The abuser will then use them constantly to make his/her point and position against the target/abuser.
[11] If the therapist urges the abuser to go home and express his/her emotions more openly, the target/victim is likely to experience an increased torrent of abuse around the abusers complaints.
[12] The abuser is likely to latch onto a small issue brought up in therapy, change him/herself for the better, in relation to that small issue, and then point to that small change as evidence of good faith and more to come. The small change for the better was, in fact, an insincere token change.
[13] The abuser will forever-after point to his/her participation in couples therapy, even if just once, as proof that s/he cares about the relationship and has done what s/he could to save it. S/he may even say things like: I've been to therapy and I'm fixed.
These are my reservations about couples counseling as an intervention in the context of an abusive relationship. Have I left any out?
IW
(material copyrighted 2008 Healing Wolf Tracks)
I made it because
it's what happened
to me, and I knew
I couldn't be the
only one.
I have a restraining order on my husband since January for verbal abuse and then 2 instances of physical abuse in 6 weeks. I told him constantly via letters I would only talk with him via a counselor. Marriage counseling is not paid for by health insurance and marriage counseling is NOT the recommended treatment for domestic violence. I told him he needed to get counseling for substance abuse and anger management and as part of his treatment plan, I would eventually be brought in. I told him I needed to feel safe before I talked with him.
But, of course, marriage counseling suits his need to make me change my behavior rather than him change his. He is now on his 3rd counselor as he denied any problems, so insurance wouldn't cover his visits as they lacked a diagnosis. I met with this counselor a week ago and told her the story of our life. I liked her. I hope she can help him.
Today, I got a letter from him with some actual questions. I think she prompted him to figure out what I needed from him. It's a first.
This is what I told him:
He said:
Ok with all 3 counselors I discussed my drug use from childhood to now, NONE thought I need drug treatment. I said: You dont need detox, but thats not what drug treatment is. Drug treatment is:
1: Building and Maintaining Motivation
2: Coping with Urges
3: Managing Thoughts, Feelings and Behaviors
4: Living a Balanced Life
And yes, you need those 4 skills. Ask your counselor if she thinks that will help you. Show her this.
His questions:
I need to know what your timeline is that you think my brain will be clear enough of the morphine (that I have not used in 6 months) to start counseling?
YOU are in counseling. When she feels you are dealing with your issues, then it will be covered by insurance and she will pull me in when it is appropriate. Marriage counseling is NOT the recommended treatment for domestic violence. She knows that as well.
1.) When and how will you know I am mentally and physically healthy?
You were mentally and physically healthy 26 yrs ago when you quit drinking, quit smoking cigarettes and pot, started eating healthy, starting exercising on a regular basis, hiked, camped and enjoyed life as high functioning, income earning adult raising your children with little verbal or physical abuse. I miss that person so much. I felt safe. That lasted until you started on the morphine in 2008/2009 and just got intensely worse as time went on. And I couldnt get you to stop and get healthy...no matter what I did.
Being mentally and physically healthy is NOT hotboxing 40+ cigarettes a day, barely getting any sleep, eating fast food and sugared drinks EVERY DAY and twice a day several times a week and being unemployed. NO ONE, not your counselor nor your doctor nor any rational person would consider what you do during a days time healthy. You would never tell the grandkids they are healthy with those behaviors. You will have pain throughout your life and will need a plan to deal with it. Make and follow that plan now. Thats healthy.
2.) What test you will you use and how or who will give it?
You will tell me your plan for letting physically healthy to assist you in getting mentally healthy. Your addiction to cigarettes is life-threatening and detrimental to your relationships. You are either outside smoking, under the influence of nicotine or going through withdrawals from not smoking. Stopping smoking might be your first goal of drug treatment. It will increase the brain function you will need to manage your anger. Thats being drug free.
The next will be a plan to manage your anger. First off, stopping drug use will be essential to have the control needed to manage your emotions. You will be presented with so many different things that will make you angry. The kids are going to piss you off intensely. They are tweens and soon to be teens. You cant react like your dad did. And you cant make me your dad when I try to enforce logical consequences with them. You MUST obtain some skills in controlling you before you are going to help them.
Then you have to practice. I can tell you what I have been dealing with and you can figure out in a safe non-emotional state what the best course of action would be in that situation. As those situations ARE happening. And I need an adult to partner with, not another child who has little control over their brain.
3.) When do I see my grandchildren?
When I feel safe around you. When you work the hardest youve ever worked in becoming a role model for the kids on how to manage life in a constructive rather destructive way. Their physical and emotional health is my main concern. They need healthy adults to show them how to manage everything they are going through. They are so pissed that you havent worked as hard as you possibly could to become the healthy adult they need.
4.) When do I see bear? (the dog)
When I feel safe around you.
5.) When are you going to be ready to start our counseling?
When your counselor feels you are dealing with your substance abuse and anger issues and she will pull me in when it is appropriate.
6.) Are you done with our marriage?
I actually think you are done with our marriage. Marriage to me means also raising the grandkids, being the adult they need. Not sure you want all the stress and work of that. I have to reapply for the restraining order in 7 months if you do not get help for your substance abuse and anger. Looking back, I should have had that as a condition of removing the restraining order....but I thought not being able to be with your wife and grandchildren would be enough motivation for you to get treatment. Based on your actions, I think you have moved on, but after 39 years I dont want to give up so easily.
7.) If you are done with our marriage, whats next?
One of these days, I have to stop crying so much. Its not good for anyone. If you are happy with your life we can be civilized and figure out how to manage a divorce, but it would be easier if we could talk. Lawyers are so expensive, hence my constant wish that you get some help managing your substance abuse and anger so I could feel safe talking with you and not worry about having a restraining order.
There are lots of resources for help.
I got some really good books for you and me and will give them to Sean, if you want them:
1. The mindfulness workbook for addiction A guide to Coping with the Grief, Stress, and Anger that Trigger Addictive Behaviors.
2. Getting to Calm Cool-headed Strategies for Parent Tweens & Teens
I KNOW he needs to think it is my fault. I am afraid he has had some brain damage from such respiratory depression from the morphine, but will see if he continues with counseling and gets some help. If not, I am making sure I and the grandkids are protected.
Thanks for listening.
Thank you for
sharing it with
the readers of
this thread.
Sending you
my best thoughts
and wishes.
He then went on to become abusive to our child under the steam of the confidence he gained in couples counselling because I was believed and he over powered me in the interview and I sat there crying