smiles you are so correct. words cannot express what happens to us survivors...it is so scary, but the feelings associated with it are a myriad of emotions that there are times i can't keep up with them. they vacilate and emerge as anger, pain, sadness, frustration, etc etc. i can't imagine having to deal with someone who is suicidal right now, i am still hurting so bad from the one i have had to deal with.

my son in law was stone cold sober, didn't drink or take drugs. he was very clear in his intentions to kill himself and take my daughter with him, as for the kids, i think he wanted them to watch. i knew something bad was going to happen, he had sent her a text message a few weeks prior that hinted at his intentions, i told her to be very careful and never under any circumstance be alone with him. i am so grateful that she is alive.

SO AM I. THANK GOD.

GOOD FOR YOU! They're alive now because of your intervention.

I watched my brother shoot himself in the head 8 Years ago.
It was a normal sunday. he didnt have depression or bipolar or anything to make us believe he wanted to die..
I have blamed myself ever since.
I was the one who walked in i was the one who could have
shouted stop.. but i didnt the shock of what was going on froze me. i stopped eating sleeping and bathing. that is when i was told i had depression.

My God, what a horrible thing to have to carry in your young life. People who take their lives are suffering, and many (most, it seems) tell NO ONE. You couldn't have stopped him, he would have done it another day, another way. Of course you were frozen on the spot, what an unbelievable thing to see, it takes your brain a moment or two to process it. This was, and is, NOT your fault. But it is a serious trauma in many ways. I hope your parents are getting you counseling and support that you need so you can get through this and go on with your life. Your whole life is before you, it's a "magic carpet ride", sometimes the carpet nose dives, sometimes it takes you to the beautiful clouds! Don't give up hope, my dear.

I do realise that there maybe was something going on with him that noone picked up on. I should have had a bit more of an inkling of it because we were the closest,
Sadly i'm adopted so my adoptive parents dont take me for councilling. and to be very honest i have been to see many therapists and they dont help me at all.
Thankyou Ellzeena :) x

What does being adopted have to do with it? It takes a LOT of love and a huge desire to raise a child to adopt a baby! Your parents love you as if you were their biological child because there's NO difference. Talk to them. They can't read your mind. They want to help you. Maybe you need some medication for a while, not forever, just to get you through this rough patch. And remember: at 17 your brain is beginning to change, this is a normal part of human development and it continues until around age 25-27. What upsets you now won't upset you next year and certainly not in five years. Talk to your folks, little sister. Do it calmly and honestly. Please don't suffer alone.

I cant talk to them. Beacuse then they know what i feel and how i think.. same with my BF... i dont tell him what i should.. i know i should but i cant.. because then in a sence i am less than perfect?... But yes its hard for me to really open up to anyone i love and know.

This is the problem my daughter had. NO ONE is perfect, they love you. I wanted to know what my daughter was suffering, I fought for her, took her to doctors and therapists, years of struggle. But she never told me the truth about her torment and suffering. I would have done anything to stop it or help her fight it. You're a kid, they will WANT to help you, they WANT to know if you're suffering. Your BF is something else, someday you might barely remember his name (I know it's hard to imagine but I can't remember the names of my BFs from my teens lol). Put aside your fear of being imperfect. Believe me they know or suspect something is wrong and maybe they don't know what to do or say. Just trust them enough to be honest. If they don't do the right thing, I'll be very surprised and disappointed. You're young and you don't realize this but most normal parents love their children and will do anything for them, if given the chance. Think about it for a while. Thanks for the hug, yes we are here for each other.

I have tried to talk to my mum... But she doesnt believe me. When i told her about depression. she laughed and said it was just a faze and my emotions were allover because i was growing up. So i dont talk to her anymore. and me talk to my dad.. no thankyou.. i like to keep me as daddies little girl that has nothing wrong.
And i promise with my heart i wont forget david... I love him.. For some odd reason our unstable minds fix together. lol.. to understand you have to understand him.. but not my place to spill out his mentalness ness..
I joke with my mum about all the things wrong like BPD and Schitoz.. And we laugh about it.. i laugh most things off. if im let down i laugh. when upset i laugh.
See i prefer to Not deal with my problems. i love helpng others because it takes my mind of my own and it helps.. untill i'm on my own haha.. i know i am still a child in age. but in mind i am quite mature. (Not said for david lol) So I do promise when i feel i am sicking under i will call out raise my hand and ask for help.. But for now. Why change what i can handle i gues.. yes nightmares and insomnia are present but i can live through it.
Sorry if you dont understand me.. (If you dont) Not many people do.. i dont. lol :)
Glad i know you will allow me to be here for you. and vice versa :) x

I do understand you. I've been where you are now. My childhood was a nightmare, my dad left and then died when I was 10, my mother dumped me on my Aunt and grandmother. In my teens I was basically on my own in NYC and it was only God's grace that I didn't get raped and murdered because at 14, 15, 16 I was out on the streets at night. No one watched over me, no one said "where have you been, when are you coming home" except my best friend's dad, Joe Ferranti, who I will love all my life. Oh yes little sister, I know where you are, I know confusion, depression, fear, anxiety, the struggle with depression. I know. Talk any time you need to. Just don't do anything you can't take back, please.

My dad shot himself when i was eight, three years after mom passed away due to a gunshot wound (she was a cop). I found him right after he did it cause i heard the shot and came running.

Such horror in the life of so young a person. There are many here who will support you. Keep posting.

While many see my friend Christopher's death as nothing more than a car accident, the people who really know him (such as myself) know that he never would have gotten in the car with a drunk driver if he wasn't looking to end his life. He left a letter to me days before the accident that made it very clear he was suicidal. He had moved to another state months before, after we got into a fight and I told him I didn't want him in my life (he was very obsessive over me, he loved me and I didn't want anything more than a friendship with him, and it was interfering with my real romantic relationships). I'll always blame myself for his death. He was still very fragile from losing his best friend to suicide just 6 months before, and I shouldn't have been so harsh with him. RIP Christopher.

Nikki, stop for a moment: was Christopher a prophet? Did he see the future? Maybe he was feeling reckless when he got into that car but he had absolutely NO WAY of KNOWING what would happen. You know that's true! It could just have easily been another bumpy car ride.

Perhaps he was emotionally disturbed, and perhaps his letter to you gave me information about that, but I have to tell you that emotional blackmail is not an uncommon method of manipulating people, especially in "love" relationships. I'm not judging him, I'm not judging YOU, I'm just stating a fact. If you polled every woman over age 45, I think you'd find the majority of them had, at one time or another, known a man who used emotional "blackmail" and I ALSO know that many WOMEN use it.

We can't see the future, can we? I know I can't, I doubt you can. Perhaps you were not being "harsh", just honest? Regardless, the only person to blame for Christopher's death is himself for getting into the car AND the person who chose to drive while drunk or impaired....NOT YOU. It's tragic when a young person leaves life without having experienced it fully, but unless there's a murderer involved it's no one's fault. Sickness, mental illness, injury, accidents...such as these take the lives of those who should go on another 50 years or more. I'm so sorry this happened in your young life. Please don't take responsibility for it.