I can't read them alll. been suicidal since childhood. my dad shot himself when I was 42. I had tried to get him into hospital, but no one would believe me because I was like that.

I feel sooooo bad for every one, who tells every story of saddness on this area....it is devistating....and absolutly unbievable, that so many of us are sooo sad and in so much pain out there from a loved one's selfish act. I wish SO much I could HUG each and every one of you here, and let you know that while the pain does somewhat subside, it is always still just there below the surface. We always wonder "what if", or "why didn't we".....it's been sooooo long for me & my family, but we still go to my mother's grave & each and every time my dearest son says "I love you Grandma", I cry! I just still wish she were here......after all these years!!!! I have empathy, sympathy, and sincere support with HUGS, and love for each of you......Please remember all of you....this is somthing that THEY did, it's NOT your fault!! I don't mean that to be unkind, but just remember that....it wasn't YOU! (((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))

Just joined this community. 9/27/07 my ex husband killed himself. Trying every hour of everyday to put this into some perspective for his two boys and for myself.

My Grandaughter Iris was born on October 12th when my daughter was 28 and a bit weeks pregnant. She died in My Daughter Amy's arms when she was 4 hours old. On the 23rd October at 7.42pm Amy was pronounced dead by paramedics. We'd taken the other children out for the day, and left Amy on her own. She said she needed space. We got home to find our beautiful daughter had hung herself in the bathroom. There was nothing we could do. Amy had gone to look after Iris in heaven. She was 16 years old, my oldest child, but she was still my baby girl, i don't know what i'm going to do without her, i miss her so much.

My name is Kelly. My brother (only sibling) hanged himself and died on July 24 2006 after being on a respirator for a week. My dad chose to shut the machines off. My brother was very mentally ill and an addict. He threatened for years and tried but I guess I never thought he would do it. My favorite grandma shot herself around 16 or so yrs ago. My mom died from cancer 4 yrs ago, after she slit her wrists. My exhusband died 2 mos after my brother from slowly drinking himself to death after an accident he had and couldn't do his job anymore, he put people to sleep for a living. The death of my brother and my ex so close sent me on a tailspin, these help sites literally saved my life. I have even gotten to meet one of my friends from here, that was a wonderful experience. I hope to make many wonderful friends on here that I can help too. Take care and happy holidays , Kelly

My name is Kelly. My brother (only sibling) hanged himself and died on July 24 2006 after being on a respirator for a week. My dad chose to shut the machines off. My brother was very mentally ill and an addict. He threatened for years and tried but I guess I never thought he would do it. My favorite grandma shot herself around 16 or so yrs ago. My mom died from cancer 4 yrs ago, after she slit her wrists. My exhusband died 2 mos after my brother from slowly drinking himself to death after an accident he had and couldn't do his job anymore, he put people to sleep for a living. The death of my brother and my ex so close sent me on a tailspin, these help sites literally saved my life. I have even gotten to meet one of my friends from here, that was a wonderful experience. I hope to make many wonderful friends on here that I can help too. Take care and happy holidays , Kelly

My Mom passed away a few years ago. As a matter of fact it was four years this past New Years Eve. She was 56 yrs old when she passed. So let me get into the history first:

My Mother had a bout of rheumatic fever when she was 20 yrs old. In turn it damaged her heart valve. She and her doctors didn't know this until years later. When my mother was 27 (6 months after I was born) she had a major stroke. My Grandmother and Aunt had to take care of me while she learned to walk, talk, etc all over again. My Dad was not in the picture much. Miraculously she pulled through and she was able to care for me once again.

Years passed and except for a mini-stroke here and there she was doing pretty well for herself health-wise. In 1996 when I was 21 my Mom told me that her doctor wanted to replace her faulty heart valve. This required open heart surgery and of course risk. She had open heart surgery in May 1996 and pulled through like a champ. She was even well enough to go to Las Vegas the following Spring to see me get married. She did have to take a disability retirement from being a Nurse's Aide though. She just couldn't lug and pull those heavy hospital beds or the occasional obese individual.

Everything seemed to be fine with her from that point. She watched me have the babies and make a house. She would spend her spare time doing her favorite thing, fishing. She even helped watch my boys when I had to return to work.

Everything changed on July 2001, however. She had just left my house when I got home from work (she had been watching the boys). She was at her apartment talking to her friend. I was at home when I got the phone call from her friend. She was panicked and told me to immediately go over to my Mom's and that she thought she may have had a stroke. I, of course, dropped what I was doing and got in the car and sped to her apartment. She only lived a few miles from me but it seemed like an eternity before I got there. Her friend wasn't sure if she had a stroke or not so in my haste I didn't call 911 I just flew there without thinking. Once I got up to her apartment I could see she was on the couch unconscious. I yelled her name and tried to rouse her. She was still alive but her breathing was really heavy and shallow. I picked up the phone and called 911. Everything from that point is a haze to me. Once I got to the hospital the doctors told me that she had had a major stroke and it was 50/50 if she would pull through. She was in ICU for a week and I was with her every day and posted pics of the boys beside her bed so the first thing she would see when she opened her eyes were "her babies".

Well a miracle did happen and she pulled through. Unfortunately her ability to speak in coherent sentences was gone. She had to enter a rehab facilty for a few months and learn to walk and take care of herself again. She did remarkably well considering the damage of this stroke and the prior damage from her first stroke and all the mini strokes she had.

She stayed with me and my family for a few months when she got out of the rehab center. You could tell she was different though. We would try to communicate with her but we had such a hard time understanding what she had to say. Everything was clear to her but when it came out of her mouth it was all jibberish. And she had little use out of her right hand since that was the side of her body that was damaged. So she couldn't even write what she wanted to say. Even if her hand worked her brain couldn't even get the words to the paper. It was so very sad.

She finally was well enough to move back in her apartment. My Aunt and I were in contant contact with her and we would check on her all the time. We took her to the Doctor, to the grocery store and out to have fun when we had the chance. It was difficult on us sometimes I won't lie. Having kids under five and a mother who at 56 had been minimized to a senior citizen (but worse) was a tough job. But I took it in stride. There were times we didn't get along and she would wear on my nerves. I always felt guilty about it but it is human nature I guess. And I am sure at times she could sense it as well. She never wanted to be a burden on anyone. This really was her worst nightmare come true. She also was having trouble keeping her blood thinners in check and her doctor recommended my Aunt and I put her in a nursing home. I told my Aunt, "Mom will kill herself first". So we decided to not make that decision until after the first of the year. We never told her.

Everything trekked on as usual until Christmastime 2003. We had a wonderful Christmas. My Mom enjoyed seeing a slide show cd my cousin had made of the whole family. That was the happiest I had seen my Mom since her stroke. She really seemed on top of the world. There was such jubilation all around us.

A week went by and Mom was back to her apartment and we were back to our hectic lives. New Years Eve (Wednesday) came and my Aunt asked what we were planning for New Years Day. I told her I would probably call Mom that night and then the next day (New Years Day) go pick her up so she could spend the day with us. It was a plan.

It was about 7:30 pm and I made a call to let her know about the plan but there was no answer. This wasn't new so I didn't worry too much. That happened sometimes and I would get worried and come to find out she would be downstairs watching her neighbors play games or something. So I decided well I will just call her at midnight to wish her a Happy New Years. But unfortunately I fell asleep and didn't get the chance to.

The next morning when I woke up I called her apartment to tell her I was getting ready to come pick her up. No answer. THEN I KNEW SOMETHING WAS WRONG. I actually had a very bad feeling. I asked my husband if he could please go pick her up because I couldn't bear finding her again like last time. He did. I was at home pacing the floor and was dying for him to call me and tell me she was okay. I couldn't wait any longer and I ended up calling his cell phone. He answered the phone, AND I JUST KNEW! He said, "She's Gone". I barely remember what happened next but I believe I screamed and started crying and told him I had to call my Aunt. She and my cousin drove down to be with my hubby while he called 911 and they sent the coroner. I had a terrible job of having to sit at home and try to be strong and not alarm the boys the entire time. And I mean it was at least a torturous hour and a half.

Finally my husband and family came home. He walked in the door and immediately hugged me. I broke down. While I was in his arms crying he whispered to me, "It didn't happen how you think. She did it herself". My knees went weak and the hubby had to hold me up. I was inconsolable. He told me the coroner said she had purposely overdosed on all her medicines. She had set up all my childhood pics and pics of the boys all around her. She had all her warranties and apartment and life insurance information on the kitchen table. She had purposely sat in her old recliner and not the brand new beautiful couch she had just bought. And she had kept the sliding glass door open in the middle of winter. My mother knew what happened to someone when they died from being in the health care industry. The coroner said she did it around 6pm the previous night (New Years Eve). I agonized over my decision to not go over there to check on her when she didn't pick up the phone. But now looking back it would have been too late and I would have just walked into find her dead and unfortunately I would have had the boys with me. My husband had to work that night.

There really is no way anyone can get over something like this but I have a supportive family and have to be strong for the boys. But this is something that will forever be a part of my life and will affect me always. I try to tell myself that this was the only way she could be in control of her life. At any moment she had to live with the knowledge that she could have another stroke and die or even worse be a vegetable. She knew she didn't want to live that way.

Thanks for reading this long, long blog. It really helped typing all this out.

First of all I want to say thankyou!!!!I was one of the people who wrote in requesting this community!!!
My story sounds like so many of yours.. my parents commited suicide a year and a half ago and it turned my world upside down... one of the last things my mom did was mail a present of handmade doll clothes to my daughter for her birthday... when I got here for the funeral I found a bunch of unfinished doll clothes.... they never said goodbye. To be honest I'm not even the same person anymore.... I crave a family sooo bad I have made stupid chioces.... I just wanna talk to them one last time.... but... it's too late

My brother and his wife and their son and her daughter moved to a neighboring state. She left him several times and he always went after her. One time she told him she was pregnant with another man's baby and took the kids and their stuff and left for good. He killed him self by hanging himself on an electrical cord a few hours after she left. I could have been to his house before she left and I knew she was leaving. I hate myself for not going and I feel like I could have stopped him. I think I will carry my guilt to my own death bed (of a death that God chooses)...I would never kill myself because I can't cause my family the pain that I know and feel.

The guilt prevents me from telling the whole story. My husband shot himself July 25, 2007. He left a lot of unanswered questions. I knew him more than anyone in the world, but never thought he would do this. I know he was in financial distress. I begged him to let me help. This went on for years. I just have no answers.

My cousin took her own life in late August this year. She lived twelve hours away, so I only saw once-twice a year. I regret not trying to get close to her. She was the nicest, most selfless person I've ever met. She had a heart of gold and was always helping people. I don't have a lot of detail about what she was going through at the time, but I know she was severely depressed. I hope she is in a place where there are no tears and no sadness and no pain.

My name is Jess, my dad shot himself when I was 6 weeks pregnant w/my oldest son, Ty. It was 8 years on July 27th. He had lost his best friend to cancer right after christmas. And my dad couldn't take being alone. He had had a good marriage, great job and then lost it all to a "candy nose"(cocaine). After losing everything he didn't care anymore,we tried to help but obviously it wasn't enough.He did try but then gave up.The rest of the family kind of had their own lives. He knew the baby was coming and that is why I was sooo mad at him for so long. I know he can see his grandsons but can't play, hug, kiss or anything with them. I know he is not in anymore pain but we all are still. But I thank God for Ty, if I wasn't pregnant at the time I would be dead too. I do remember trying to climb in the casket when it was time to say good-bye. We had our tough times but we were buddies. I still miss him like crazy but what can I do?

I lost my friend Jason to suicide. It was over over Christmas break from college. When I returned to school and work, a friend broke the news to me. I was devastated. To this day, and it has been years now, I still feel panic when I think about it. He died of a GSW to the head. I know what prompted him to do it. It has been explained to me. But inside, I still grieve. I can't bring myself to visit his grave even to this day. When I drove by where he his buried, I look away. I feel silly at times feeling like this. Three years after that Scott, another person I had known for awhile had an OD and died. I feel like there are days that I am overwhelmed and when I am I am glad I found this site.

What is the point of this discussion? We all tell our stories on our profiles, our journals, our responses to discussions, all the time. Why not just read the profiles of the F-F-a-S group?

12 days ago, my best guy friend Gatlin killed himself. He was 15 years old and a PHENOMENAL guitarist. His dream was to become a rock star, and he refused to consider anything else. He was suicidal a year ago, and very depressed, but then he recovered. The night before he killed himself, he and I were talking about how suicide WASN'T an option. The night he committed suicide, he got in a fight with his parents and they took away his cell phone. He got very angry and ran upstairs. His father decided to go talk to him and see what was so wrong, but as he was walking upstairs, he heard a gunshot. The detective at the crime scene thinks that Gatlin might have killed himself on accident, thinking that he could use suicide as a way to get out of a discipline for whatever he did earlier that night, but since he was using a long hunting rifle which was very bulky and hard to handle, there is a very good chance he did it on accident.

It hasn't even been two weeks now and I'm totally and completely devastated. Gatlin and I were soooo close, and I can't imagine life without him. I haven't been depressed since last winter, but I'm terrified that the depression might come back because of my devastation. I miss Gatlin more than anything in the world and I don't even want to live at this point. I just want to go up to heaven and be with Gatlin. It's not fair that he gets to be happy while all the rest of us are miserable down here without him.

Rock in Peace, Gatlin. I still love you.
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