My friend decided to take her life 2 years ago. She was depressed for years and was going to a support group that I was in. She tried to slit her wrist but was rushed to the hospital. When I saw her after she was released I tried to talk to her about what was going on. I wanted to talk to her about hurting herself and how I had the same feelings.
I never got another chance to talk. A couple of weeks before her last year of school was to start she biked to the Lake and jumped off from one of the lighthouses just off the beach.

Every year that passes I say that it will get easier to accept but it hasn't yet.

My parents got divorced in Feb 2007. My dad requested it. My mom moved into an apartment a few miles away and my little sister, who is 17, stayed at the house with my dad. My dad's been depressed for years and has been to a variety of therapists and been on many different drugs and tried numerous "unconventional" therapies as well. Nothing worked. But he loved us so much he never really indicated when things were hard for him.
My mom and sister took their usual vacation to the beach the first week of august. I was supposed to go too but I got the wrong dates. So my boyfriend and I took a vacation the following week. We went to visit my parents for a few days and stayed with my dad. He seemed well. He watched movies with us and made us breakfast.
The following week my mom had a vacation planned to visit a friend in California. My sister told her that dad was acting kind of strange and sleeping a lot lately. My mom talked to him and he said he'd just been having trouble sleeping and was taking his tranquilizers regularly. She almost didn't go to California. She left Tuesday and arrived early Wednesday morning. My sister called her Thursday to tell my mom that she hadn't seen Dad since Wednesday morning before she went to work.
My mom called me in a panic from California Thursday night. She was crying so hard her friend had to tell me what was going on. My father was missing. My mother was taking the red eye back and I needed to drive her the two hours home from the airport.
We got home early Friday morning. Still no word from Dad. My mom and I were crying a lot. My sister didn't seem to realize the implications and my mom didn't want to scare her. My boyfriend came up that night. My mom's sister was there. We were just sitting and waiting. My dad's friend had filed the police report. He was our angel during that time.
The police investigation gave us several beacons of false hope and one terrifying bit of news. Dad's last transaction on his debit card was a gun purchased at walmart. But they had traced his cell phone to a popular hiking area. Dad loved to hike. He must just be clearing his head and now out of cell phone range. They put out a search for his truck. Somebody thought they saw it on Sunday morning. We were so relieved. But we soon found out that it wasn't him. My boyfriend and I decided we'd better head back home Sunday night since we had to work monday. About an hour before we'd planned to leave Dad's friend drove up the driveway followed by a cop. He didn't have to say anything. We knew. We all just stood in the driveway hugging and crying. One of my Dad's friends owns a logging company and he found my dad in the woods near a logging site. I try not to create an image of him sitting in the lawn chair next to his truck. The ME placed time of death at Wednesday morning. My dad sat alone in the woods for five days before anybody found him.
We didn't have an official funeral. We didn't put an obituary in the paper. My dad suffered privately and he wouldn't have wanted a big public display. We had him cremated and invited his close friends and family to the house to help scatter his ashes. The house I grew up in was the house my dad grew up in and it was once a horse ranch with tons of land and big old apple trees.
I say close friends. But about 50 people showed up. I wish my dad could have seen how many people cared about him and loved him. I'm so glad I got to see him that one last time.
For part of me his death isn't even real. I miss him so much and just want to pick up the phone to call him. I worry greatly about my mom and my sister. My mom who had to move back into the house she so recently moved out of. Who lost my father twice in one year. And my sister, who seems to be avoiding grieving by filling her days with work and school and other regular teen activities.
And I worry about me. Far away from both of them in a town where the only person I have to lean on is my boyfriend and it's so hard for him to take that pressure. I just have to hope that things will get better but even now, a month later, the thought of my father's suicide is unbearably painful.

my story is on the other side of the fence, where im the one who attempted numerous times but failed at every chance. Have tried cutting, overdosing and asphixiation. Feel like there is noone to turn to, to talk to in my family or friends they all tell me to suck it up and get over my problems and that some people have it alot worse. This only makes me feel even more isolation and depression. Started going to therapy, but like i said, have noone at home to talk to.

I want to thank you for opening this forum for those of us who have lost loved ones to suicide. The stories I read tonight were painful and very touching...and the bravery of those who shared their stories and their feelings is awe inspiring. God bless each and every one of you, on your journey to healing from the tragedy you have survived. KJL

Just a little over a year ago, July 28th, 2006. A really close friend of mine committed suicide.

My main belief because of his brothers death a few years before... which he witnessed. A hit and run.. and then the guilt added with depression and, i guess.. its' what happens. I don't think he learned to handle it..

He's still my hero for many reasons.. I'll never forget him either..

Here is my story, and before I begin, I would like to say to all of you who have lost someone to suicide, I am so very sorry for your loss.

This May 19th 2007, my oldest child's father committed suicide, I am not sure if it was intentional or accidental and just a cry for help that went horribly wrong. He called me that morning and asked me several times if I was going to get my son for the weekend, and I had told him no, he had sounded so desperate, he told me he had plans for the weekend and that he needed me to take Brandon, but when he had called I was already out of town. While we were gone, I got a phone call, I at first wasn't going to answer it until I realized it was a number from a Lincoln phone. I answered to hear the voice of a sheriff's deputy asking me if I was Jill, I answered and listened, they asked me if I was Brandon's mother, I answered, I was told that there had been an accident, and that my son was fine, but that his father was being life flighted to Lincoln due to the accident, and that Brandon wanted me to get to the hospital to be there with him. I told the officer that I could be there in about 20 minutes because I was that close to the hospital. I remember hanging up and running to go get my husband and children so that we could hurry to the hospital, I remember crying and shaking because I had no clue what was going on, or what could have happened.

We got to the truck and I called Crystal, Curt's fiance, and I told her all she had to do was answer yes or no, because I didn't want to scare Curt's three children, one of them being my son. I asked her first, is he still alive, she answered yes, I asked her was it an accident remodeling the house, she said no, I started to cry harder, I asked her did he shoot himself (I had no idea where that question came from) she answered yes, I said did he shoot himself in the head, she answered no, I told her to tell Brandon that I would meet him at the hospital.

I went into shock and called my mom and sister, and asked them to meet me at the hospital, after all Curt was a part of our lives for 13 years now. I called everyone I could think of to pray for his survival.

We arrived at the hospital, Curt's brother and his wife were there, I tried to get Casey to tell me what was going on, he knew as much as I did. We waited what seemed like hours, but was only 45 minutes before the doctor came in and told us, that he had died due to a gun shot wound to the upper chest. Of all the people that I had known, he was one of the last that I thought would do something like this to himself, Curt was always strong, but after his death I learned many things that I didn't want to know, and probably never should have asked. It still hurts today knowing that he is gone and will never see our son graduate from high school, he will never get to see our son play another football game, he will never be there for Brandon in all the things that are important for him. Nor his other two kids, I am so angry at him right now, because instead of shooting himself, he could have just said to me Jill I am depressed and I need some help, but I guess he thought that shooting himself he could survive it because he had been shot before and lived, and he would get the help he needed, and maybe he shot himself to make Crystal realize that she still loved him. He left no note, so there are all these unanswered questions. I miss him, and I guess I still love him in some capacity because as I write this I am crying. I just wish he would have spoke out and said something, so that he could still be here today, because I know my son misses him a lot.

My mother committed suicide after a very long battle with severe depression & bipolar/manic depression 16 years ago this November. We (my entire family) tried & tried to get her help...but each time were unsuccessful. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew we could only do so much, & we only had her for so long. The worst part of it-was that at the time, my son was about 2 months old at the time-& for ME that made it much worse, & even more of a "selfish" act. She had so much to live for. My youngest brother was only 10 years old. I, at the time, was married & away from home. We had all come home for the weekend for a visit, & she wanted to watch my son for a weekend. (little did we know at the time, that it was her final goodbye to her only grandson!). When we came to pick him up at the end of the weekend--& for just a moment, it was a lovely time....then, it wasn't. By the time we had to drive back, she was on a RAMPAGE...and walked up to me before I left & said, "Next time you see me, I'll be dead!". She had said multiple things like that over & over, and we had to get the baby home. I hugged her & told her I loved her, & she said she was going out for milk. (she did say that quite often, when she wanted to just get away!) So, we waited around for awhile, then had no choice but to leave, after calling my dad, & telling him of what had gone on. The next morning, I had to take a 1/2 day off from work- for the baby's shots & check-ups & my husband had went to work as usual. (we did NOT have a phone) But by 11 am, my husband came flying in the door & said he got a message, that said to call home ASAP. We assumed it was his father's heart, since he was told he could have a heart attack at any moment! So, he went next door to call. I put the baby down for a nap. When he came back from making the phone call, he was white as a sheet.....& just stood there, saying "I am so sorry, I am so sorry!" I just assumed it was his dad, so I stood there asking is it your father??? He started crying----& said, "Honey, your mom killed herself early this morning." All I remember is SCREAMING & SCREAMING!!!!! He just wrapped his arms around me and cried with me. After that, it's almost like I went into autopiolet. I ran around the house gathering up everything we could possibly need for the next few days, asked my husband to call work for me...and then his family showed up to give their support.....and love, and help anyway they could. They took the baby, since that way I could go straight to be with my family, & not have to worry about him. We drove a home as fast as we could---but I remember thinking as, we got closer, that it would have been easier if it were slower! We meant at a mutual location, and IT WAS DREADFUL. Everyone was a complete basket case....so somehow, I stuffed all of it. I had to order the autopsy, make funeral arrangements, flowers, find her personal possessions, & clothes to wear for the funeral. Somehow, during that time, the ONLY time I really did show any emotion, was when I went back to my husbands house, and cried & cried usually with his mother rocking me back and forth! His family was soooo great & for that I will always love them! I can honestly say, that in these 16 yrs., I have yet to deal fully with the grief. My son going to cemetary brings it much closer to the surface--but all those emotions are still stuffed away. But there has been more than one day since my illness, that I have cried & cried & thought "I want MY MOM!!!!!!" She was my best friend, confidant, sounding board, & when she was doing ok, such a wonderful mother! I can really honestly say that although it's been 16 yrs, I do miss her every day, and have YET found that connection that I once had with her.

My best friend, Shannon, has tried to commit suicide more than once, most recently less than a week a go she took 27 migraine pills.. Her husband instead of calling a doctor or taking her to a doctor called me.. don't get me wrong I want to know what is going on.. BUT CALL A DOCTOR.. I get so frustrated with him.. she agreed to go talk to someone so I set that up for her today, because Her husband(Chris) said he would do it but I know he wont because as soon as she said yes, he started asking her if it was going to be a waste of time or if it was going to help and if she was sure she wanted to do it. So I told them to give me all the insurance stuff and I would do it.. I was on the phone for about 3 hours today finding out all I need to do and where to take her.. I am so worried about her, she has 3 wonderful children and a husband that does love her but is just stupid sometimes, and family and friends like me that love her so much.. I dont know what else to do.

On November 2, 1998 my step brother/good friend took his own life. He and his father were supposed to move into my mother's house the following week. Daniel was a really great person. I admired a lot of his qualities: good sense of humor, outgoing and seemed to have it together pretty well for a 19 year old. I was 20 at the time, and the last time I ever saw him was when my mom and I went to have lunch with him. He had dyed his hair red and had just been on a spontaneous drive out to the Florida coast. We all must have missed the "warning signs". He seemed really confident and his moods never really fluctuated much, at least not to the outside world. One afternoon my step-dad came home from work and heard the water running in Daniel's bathroom. He didn't think much of it, just assumed he was taking a shower. After about 30 minutes, he became concerned and started knocking on the door and calling to him. No answer. The door was locked, so finally he had to break it open. There he saw his son propped up against the vanity. He must have had one last look in the mirror. He was already cold and it was obvious where he had slashed his arms (both of them.) When the EMT's got there, they said he had been gone for several hours. My mom went over to help clean up and called us to let us know "Daniel's dead." she told me over the phone. I could not even believe it! We were and still are in utter shock. The wake was one of the hardest and saddest experiences I have ever seen in my life. There were pictures of him all over that his mother had brought. His life was so short and ended so tragically.

Now after this experience, everyone is determined not to ever let this happen to any loved one again. My sister (the only one I have who I love dearly) has tried to take her own life twice over the past 2 years. She is bipolar just like me, but the denial kept her from staying on her meds. She took an entire bottle of Klonapin the first time and then Trazadone the second time. She had terrible seizures and had to be hospitalized both times. Now she can't be trusted to have any pills more than a 5 day supply in her possession.

Our aunt who was a very beautiful lady, she also took her own life at the age of 27 via gun shot to the heart. She also had bipolar disorder.

This morning I just received the news that my 2 year old daughter's paternal grandfather overdosed on heroin. Sounds like another suicide.

It really happens way too much! I wish there was some way to save all of these lonely souls and prevent these senseless tragedies. All I can do is be there for the people I love and never let them feel alone, but sometimes it's the last person you'd ever expect who is the one to watch.

i guess i'm crazy sometimes, and i still cant figure out quite why i get suicidal, but i've been flown to shock trauma 2 times and i've been "committed" over 10 times in the last 4 yrs...
The 1st time i got flown by helicopter for attempted suicide is when i was stationed in Korea...i was told i could NEVER JUMP AGAIN (i was AIRBORNE my whole career, but got hurt on a landing), so i saw no more use for me in the army or life and i took a bottle of pain pills and drank abottle of soju (korean grain alcohol)...when i didnt show up for formation the next morning, they sent some troops out to look for me and they supposedly found me in the middle of the road unconscious.,..i got flown to seoul from the dmz, where i got my stomach pumped and then i was committed to a mental ward for 30 days...i took a medical discharge shortly after that...(1994)..then again i tried a few other times, but nothing as sever until march 2006 when i took a razor blade my neck and arms...Well i was online with suicide hotline and i told them what i had just done to myself and that ..i was done...i dont remeber much from it except for waking up to puke again...i was "committed " to the baltimore veterans hospital for 5 months,..
i still struggle pretty bad with what to do or why i'm even here..
HOWEVER, i am now dating a girl that i am very much in love with, and i dont want to hurt her, so i keep looking for more treatments so i can avoid this hopefully in my future...
pat

I missed so many signs and didn't respond strongly enough to my son during the past 6 months. i was dealing with personal issues and didn't connect what I now realize may have been his cry for help. We were very close and I knew he was becoming more distant and withdrawn, I knew he was having trouble in his retionship with his long term companion and mother of his 2 boys, aged 10 & 11. I never thought he would hang himself.

I lost my dear son .. Tim .. over 7 years now .. to suicide ..
How we all miss him ..
It's so sad .. to see the affect it has had on his little brother and sister .. he was such a natural caring and kind soul ..
He was a most talented musician .. he likely would have been in some huge rock band by now .. drumming his way to happiness .. he also played piano .. and wrote music since he was 10 .. not just simple stuff .. the stuff U might hear in movie sound tracks .. He played guitar .. as well ..
Tim wrote music by taping himself on the piano .. and playing the tape back to his fellow band members .. when they did not play it the way he heard it .. he would pick up their instrument .. and teach them how to play it right .. he was self taught on guitar .. and played piano by ear .. far better than I could have ever played .. and I went to grade 8 Royal Conservatory ..

He is my first born son .. my love .. and .. a huge hole has been left .. where his place in my heart still remains ..

Tim .. I'm so proud of U .. and I love U so much ..

We all miss U .. and hope U are doing well ... Can't wait to get to heaven .. to see UR face again ..

Love

Dad

i was abused since i was 2 years of age i was burned in hot water and left there to suffer.i was beaten made to stand stil in a corner for 5 hours i knew my mother was getting beatings from a drunken man she would whip me never forgiving me for whatever i did wrong she would make me feel like i was nothing.a burdden a nobody and honestly her rage horrified me.i was tourchered in a hospital schock treatments uncomfertable medication side effects losing hope in family im confused about love beautiful woman i just confuse im alone issolated i disasociate i was self harming cutting sucideal overdosing starvation mental torcher.the best think i can do today is care about anyone in pain.

*looks around. Rubs my arms, sighs*

This is my story: July 9th, 2007 My mom's new husband (my parents have been divorced for about five years now) killed himself beside our house in the woods.

Here's the leading up part: My mom remarried to this guy, was really nice to begin with then he turned into an a$$hole. Not with physical abuse, but he ignored my mom and wouldnt do anything around the house and so on and so forth. Before they got married, he was really nice and helped around the house and did everything for us, but as soon as they got married, he changed.

A few months ago my mom got fed up enough to kick him out of our lives. He moved. He called a few times, leaving really bad messages on our answering machine. Calling my mom a 'bitch' and a 'c*nt' and some other really bad stuff. Saying that she was cheating on him with our father, but she wasnt. He was emailing me and leaving me IMs non-stop.

On July 9th,he followed my mom to my sister's babysitters and when she tried asking him what was up, he drove away. My mom called my dad who has been staying with us for a few days and he said just to keep an eye out.

Around 9, my dad spotted his truck go up the road and stop at our mailbox. He put something inside. A suicide note. I got off the computer and went on to the porch to see what was up. I heard his engine shut off, and a door close. A few seconds later our dog started to bark. He was in the woods. Then I heard a gun shot and him go 'uuughh.'

He killed himself. Shot himself in the heart with his own gun, and I heard it. Oh, and I also found his suicide note inside our mailbox.

*Looks away, takes a breath* So yeah, there's my story.

Here's my story...over the past 15 years I have had four people in my family commit suicide. It started with my Aunt Tish and everyone was in shock and felt SO bad about it. The entire family on my Dad's side has horrible problems with depression and bi-polar disease. My father had attempted/thought about suicide many times. He would beg my mother not to be pissed at him if he decided to end his life. He was always apologizing to me because I too suffer from depression...like it was his fault. Anyway, on September 27th, 2000 the pain became too much for him to bear and my Dad shot himself. No notes or anything like that, we all knew that he loved us and we knew how much pain he was in at times. What people didn't understand is why he didn't tell anyone (once again) that he felt suicidal. I remember saying over and over again...he didn't tell you about it...because he didn't want you to talk him out of it. I can't tell you how painful this has been. But I sucked it up at the time and made the arrangements and in general "took care of things".
I really thought that my Dad's death, if nothing else, was going to throw me into the depressive episode that I would never come out of. But that didn't happen, I have a great capacity for not dealing with things...until too many things just kind of back up.

Anyway, a few years later, an aunt of mine (by marriage) who had MS decided that she wanted to pick the day and time that she checked out. She did the slash your wrists in the bathtub method. And then just two years ago, a younger cousin of mine, who had been deeply depressed hung himself. He had been in the hospital to keep him from hurting himself, but they wouldn't keep him any longer. So the day they released him, was the day that he died.
I can say that I felt shock and pain after the first three suicides...and after the last one..I remember just being pissed. It brought the memories of my father's death all back again...just like it was yesterday.

So I understand how people feel after a loved commits suicide. People who have never been through it personally really don't get it. I didn't understand when my aunt first died. But I really got it when my Dad died.

This is all a really unpleasant subject that most people would never want to discuss. I even had one person at coworker tell me that I would have been better off if I hadn't told people how my father died. She was embarrassed for me. Can you imagine??? She was embarrassed. I remember telling her that this had nothing to do with how she felt...nothing. So she should get over herself. It still amazes me how we really don't know people until they are put in difficult situations.

I do blather on don't I?

So that's my story, thanks for letting me share it. My only point in telling it is to let anyone out there looking for support know that I UNDERSTAND. I really do.

Take care,
Jackie