Since the age of 5
so many illnesses
so many medications
so much pain
so much more for all to endure
the world's medicine let her down
Selfish?
Permanent solution to a temporary problem?
Not my little girl
she was just loudly called home
her purpose fulfilled
I miss her but I will see her some day
What a joyous reunion that will be.

I totally agree. Not selfish, the only way she could see. Not "a permanent solution to a temporary problem", these are ignorant words used by people who know nothing, who have not suffered with the suffering, who have not the empathy or intelligence to understand that there are things in this life we cannot UNDERSTAND. God called her home in the same way He called my daughter. You WILL see her again someday, this I know. And she is still with you, even now as you read this, she will never leave you. Outside of creation, in the realm of God and spirit, there is no time. Should you live 100 more years, she will be with you.

Hi...my dear good friend just committed suicide on Sunday.

We're having a Memorial Svc for her this Saturday.

Ellzeena, your words couldn't have been more timely when you talked about ignorant words used by people regarding the statement "permanent solution to a temporary problem."

I called a mutual friend last night to tell him of our friend's death and to invite him to the service. His first words were "You're kidding." That part I understand - it is a shock and sometimes people utter things.

But a bit into the conversation he said that stupid, stupid saying: "It's a permanent solution to a temporary problem."

And I'm thinking, "Shit. She did not have a 'temporary' problem. She suffered from mental illness and it overwhelmed her. She didn't kill herself for some little reason. The pain she was under was tremendous.

There's nothing "temporary" about real psychosis. I don't know what disease your friend had but my daughter was schizo-affective, this is a complicated form of schizophrenia with a mood disorder, either psychotic depression or bipolar. I know one thing: in my suffering at losing her I have often considered taking my life and it DOES make me feel "better" to know there's a way out of this grief. And my grief is nothing in comparison to hallucinations, evil things "attacking" you, confused thought, loss of memory, loss of any joy and all hope; so I understand why people so often seem "better' before taking their lives and I understand the belief that no one and nothing can really help you. Perhaps there would have been a combination of drugs for her that would have helped but all of those drugs have side effects, physically and behaviorally, and are not a "cure". Many people have to switch from one drug or set of drugs to another throughout their lives because their symptoms worsen (as April's appeared to be doing). The drug that worked in 2008 didn't work in 2010, obviously. She made an adult decision based upon the evidence. We were very, very close and the fact that she left me in this way is extremely painful and feels like spiteful abandonment but that's not what it was. Intellectually, I understand that; emotionally, I feel unjustly punished. Perhaps with time and God's grace my heart will catch up with my head. Meanwhile, the love of my life is gone and nothing can change that. Yes she's alive in spirit so all I can do now for her is pray that she's able to continue her journey with the love of those around her and that I will see her again. During that memorial service, be prepared to hear all manner of stupidity. Best action is to ignore. Stupid people make stupid comments; some people are so frightened and threatened by the act of suicide that they have nothing at all to say, this is normal. Remember your friend with love and pray for her, it's what she needs now.

Thanks Elzeena.

Yeah, my friend was on meds and she hated being on the meds, which I totally understand. You could feel the pain she was in, although she tried to keep it from those around her.

She was a true angel and all of us who were in her inner circle were blessed to have had her in our life.

Fortunately, the svc is just for those of us nearest and dearest and I don't think anything stupid will be said there. This person who said something stupid has done some other things that has gotten on my nerves and this was the final straw. He was not a close friend to her but we did spend a good amount of time with him - work related. His lack of compassion speaks volumes about him and nothing about my dear friend.

You're a wise, astute and caring young woman. Not only did you understand your friend, and I'm certain you gave her much comfort, but you are a good judge of character. This is important in life. Your friend did what she had to do to save herself from torment, a life of torment. I know. It's difficult to accept. You did everything you could but you are not a miracle worker, neither am I. There's no one and nothing that can stop a person who has made the decision to end her life = I've learned this in the past 7 months. I did everything for my daughter, I stood between her and death many times, but I would literally have had to handcuff myself to her. So would you have needed to do this with your friend. Self blame and guilt are often the companions of this tragedy. Don't do it to yourself. If you feel it necessary, consult a certified grief counselor. And go live your life, my young friend. My much loved Aunt Di, who partially raised me and who is my true "mother", told me two things: 1. Someday you will turn around and find yourself 65, 75....where did life go; remember and cherish every good thing. 2. Live, love, laugh and be true to yourself. God bless you.

My Dad took his life in May by jumping out of his flat window. I personally do not think he ment to kill himself, the window was not very high (He was a builder and has fallen off higher than his windw by accident and been fine before) but possibly just hurt himself (Maybe to get some attention or he wanted to be hurt?). The inquest found he fell on his shoulder and then banged his head. He had no other injurys apart from his head trauma, not a single broken bone. He was also wearing a big fluffy coat and 2 jumpers (Dad was always cold) with a hat and his hood up. My dad was severly depressed from divorcing my mum, he went crackers but he seemed to be doing better in the last few months. He just could not move on and try and fight for his future and stayed stuck in his depressive state. We all tried to help him but he could not see it or accept it. I now my dad was mentally ill but it is hard to think that one moment of thought has meant we all have to live the rest of our lives thinking and missing him. I have been quite strong throughout this, I somehow quite early on realised i had to move on - thats what dad would have wanted. I cry every dad, laugh every day and talk to him every day. If i feel especially sad i ring one of my family or friends. I have had so many mied feelings, alot of anger, but i know my Dad has not done this to hurt me, he was just not well. I will miss him every day and i am so thankfull that i had such an amazing dad for 22 years. He was one in a million and my memories can never be taken away and thats what keeps me going each morning. K xx

In the last eight months I've learned more about mental illness than I ever wanted to know. Underlying psychosis can exist and never emerge but sometimes a serious trauma brings it out. We don't know what your Dad suffered since we can't ask him and, even if we could, in life he might not have been able to articulate it. It's a terrible loss for someone so young, especially in this way, Sillysausage. If you find it becomes more difficult find a grief counselor. Remember that people who take their lives aren't rational, they can't think of the consequences to their loved ones. It's hard for us to imagine that but it's true, that's one aspect of mental illness and suicidal tendencies. God bless you.

I find it horrible that someone would say how someone else deals with their own pain is ignorant. If a suicide surivor believes it is a selfish permanent solution to a temporary problem, who are you to say they are ignorant for feeling that way. Perhaps you do not feel that way. Perhaps your situation was different. Perhaps you somehow understand the many unanswered questions. But if that is how THEY are able to make it through each day without the answers to the unanswerable question of why, let it be THEIR answer! You do not have to agree. But who are you to try and take the small bit of peace they can find away by saying it is a stupid way of looking at it? I have been plagued my whole life by suicide. Starting with my biological father when I was 2, my mother a year later, my adoptive brother/cousin when I was 10, my uncle when I was 22, and finally watched my husband commit suicide 2 years ago. Someone of them had severe mental illness. Some of them did not. Some of them where very selfish using suicide as a permenant solution to a temporary problem, and some of them where so deep into their illness they couldn't see or feel any other option. Every situation is different. Everyone has different reasons. Everyone deals with the shock and loss differently. Don't make yourself feel better by crushing and stompping on someone elses coping mechanisms! How would you feel if it was done to you?

I lost my brother om 10/10/08. I was called to his house by my sister-in-law. They hadn't been married very long, 7/7/07. I,tdon't think they should of married. We lost his wife to cancer, she past away on the same day our dad died, 2yrs. apart. We buried her on the same day as dad 2yrs. apart. They died also in October. Then my mom became ill, in October. Because of her illness she had a stroke. Her kidneys weren't working as they should so the Drs. wanted to put her on dial. which could of been temerary but mom refused the treatment. She held my hand and told me that after what my brther did she now had more people over there than here.She said she was ready and wanted to go, the only thing that bothered her was leaving me. She died March 3,2011. Mom killed herself but in a different way. The reason she was afraid to leave me was because of all I tried to do to keep my brother alive. I had to bust through his bedroom door after I heard the shots. He was still alive with two bullets in his head. I was afraid to even touch him but I had to try. I will never forget his eyes they had tears in them. he died in my arms. Change is something we all have in life, But what this does to you isn't why most people change. My last entry in my jounal can explain how much. I'm probably going to lose my job if I haven't already, I've worked there 32 yrs. I was 19 when I started, yet I can,t get up and go.

Lecsi, are you talking to ME??? I think taking one's life because of a situation that might be addressed leaves survivors in much WORSE shape and blame is almost always taken in those circumstances. Taking one's life is a serious matter and I can't imagine ANYONE doing it in a rational moment. People APPEAR rational because psychosis often presents that way as any psychiatric professional will tell you but there's NOTHING "normal" about taking one's life. As much pain as I have been in, not only in the past eight months but throughout a difficult lifetime, I have never once considered suicide. There's a pathology to this thought pattern; in fact, I think dna research has identified a dna lin for suicidal action. WILL we, as survivors, ever understand what happened that day, that week, that hour? No, not in this lifetime.

Unfortunately there do appear to be spontaneous suicides. These might be people under the influence of drugs or alcohol who suffer from depression or may be young children (under 18) who don't have the life experience or the family support to see that their "temporary" problem (like being bullied) is going to end and will be just a memory one day. It seems to me that such a suicide, one without psychosis, is harder to bear by the survivors who know they could have, might have, if only.....No one on this forum criticizes or puts down anyone else. We're all trying to survive a horrific loss, the worst kind of loss.

I agree Hiservant...God does call some who are in agony with no visible help. Your daughter was loudly called home, so was mine, I know this without doubt, far too much preparation (by God) and far too many signs from God since then. I miss my April so much but, like you, I know I will see her one day.

My friend Christine took her own life in front of me on Oct 13, 1994. I walked in on her shooting herself in the head. She simply smiled at me and BANG>>>> She was gone! Not only did the family blame me and I was banned from the funeral, but I blame myself. She and I were made to sexually abuse one other in the cult by my father and her step father. Abuse stretched our boundaries. If I never met her, that wouldn't have happened and maybe she would be alive today. She was the best, and still is... I miss her. I miss the things we did away from the abuse, such as; race stallions carefree and let our hair flow in the breeze.

Suicide is never the answer, but I understand her pain and wonder why I was the stronger of us to survive. Ive had 12 attempts myself. I too placed the cold steel to my temple and pulled the trigger and Im not dead. Wonder why. The gun misfired and bullet got caught in chamber. Lucky me? Were the stomach pumpings from alcohol poisoning and prescription drugs lucky me? Thankful some days, and others it just hurts so bad I puke and cry in pain. I can;t take meds to ease any of this because A: I end up in the hospital near dead or B: have severe allergic reactions. Is that life? Its never that one wants to die, rather they want to live free from the demons and the pain that rip through to the core of their very being. Make no mistake about that!

Again For Chrisitine. . . I'll never fully understand how I am the stronger of us two or why you left me to face it all on my own. I feel deeply responsible for everything. She left me with only a smile. No note, no reassurance.. only my mind to wander. Even though I was left to hold her lifeless body, pick of the pieces of her, and wash the blood, I was blamed. I wasn't allowed at the funeral. Maybe if I was I wouldn;t be so conflicted, in so much pain today. I'm not sure

I have found little support for this in my life on here or otherwise sadly. I just started talking about Christine's death on DS last year. I think because of the nature of the ritual abuse/sexual abuse, it makes me more atypical and therefore people are unsure of what to say. I understand, but it's deeply troubling and sad to me to go it alone. Sighs, I understand though.

I believe Christine is watching over me and I hope she is proud of how I have endured for the both of us.
Thanks for listening.

My good friend died last Sat morning. I learned about it this afternoon because he lives in a different town and his sister-in-law couldn't get a hold of me until today. Otherwise, I wouldn't have found out until even later. I am no longer in shock and I am just sick to my stomach about all of it. I am paralyzed with pain.

Phil was my good friend that I always had on the other line. We were best of friends and over 25 years. It is so painful. I can't imagine what it would be like if it was a spouse or a relative. This is painful enough with him living in a different city and a friend who I rarely saw but often talked to. He was one of my true friends. One of a handful. He is still part of me and will always be. A part of me died today with him.

I lost 5 people to suicide and I myself in the past had attempted several times....

1st person (A): one of my best guy friends in high school, he was only 18...he had family problems and blamed alot on his father...he ran away and stayed in a different state for awhile. One day I saw him in town and I was happy he was back. He wanted to change his life...go back to school and graduate. We were already in our Senior year and he was full of life. One weekend we were all hanging out, we had a lot of fun. It was great! THen out of no where (A) says to me he likes me and wants me to be his girl. As much as I liked him I was invovled in another relationship and I was happy. I declined as best I could and he seemed okay with it. The next week was fine...until Friday. A and I only lived 4 blocks away from each other...so we took the bus home together and got off the same stop. As we got off the bus he asked me if he could walk me home, I said fine. We were laughing and talking. We got to my house i hugged him good bye and said see you later (this was at 3:20pm). He just looked at me and nodded. Later that night i went out with my family...when we got home there was a message on the machine. One of my friends left such a hysterical message that the only words I can make out were "A is dead...". My whole body went numb...I called my friend back and she told me the whole story... at 3:45pm (only minutes after i saw him) A hung himself in the doorway of his house with a note left for his father....I was a wreck!! I blamed myself for years.

Persons 2,3,&4: were all guy friends again from High school...#2 was in my opinion an idot because he got hooked on drugs and decided to clean his handgun high and the gun went off which sent a bullett to his gut. His parents never bothered him so if he was in his room they didn;t care...they didn't check on him for 2 days, he bled out. #3 my friend's boyfriend was upset for my friend breaking up with him...he deicded to jump off the roof of a local hotel. #4 was a guy friend that i went to grade school all the way up to high school with...he was on meds and was seeing a doctor...the problem was him and his girl were fighting...he decided not to take the meds anymore and never told his Doctor or anyone...one night he went into his dad's office at the house took a gun and shot himself in the head...his dad found him later that night.

The last person hit me hard...it was my cousin...This is his anniversary month...My cousin suffered from depression which ran in the family...out of 4 silblings him and his younger sister both attempted...he however went through with it...my cousin went missing for 3 weeks...the papers had articles of him, the cops were looking, dog searches, helicopters you name it they used it...apparently my cousin went to the hospital the night before telling them that he wasn't feeling right and he needs to be admitted ...the dr examined him and said i do not think you are a threat to yourself or anyone else...can you believe that!!! my cousin even brought an overnight bag with him. Anyway the next morning he told his wife he was going for a walk..which he always did before work,,,he didn;t bring anything with him...except his wife didnt notice he had a box cutter with him...my cousin was finally found 3 weeks later...5 houses down...in the woods....slumped behind a tree...he cut open both wrists...he didn;t want to have his 2 little boys see him always high on medication like he always saw my aunt...my cousin was only 44...his boys were 6 and 2