My aunt committed suicide; she was in the ICU for 7 days. I visited her every day and on the last day of her life I was told to come back in 30 minutes; I did and she was dead. The worst part is that I look like her; have the same personality as she had and face the same health issues she faced: I have had to fight to live. Marie Kathleen was the kindest person you could ever hope to meet but life was unkind to her and I struggle with that. I love her endlessly...

at the age of 34 my little brother decided to end his life saturday im lost and in pain nowhere to turn or anyone to talk to i need some type of feedback to help me get thru this

Dear Spondi and all whose posts I couldn't answer (some posts are impossible to answer): This loss is not what we expect to occur in our lives. It's sudden, frightening, confusing; it brings on self blame and guilt and it evokes the emotional and psychological problems from which we all suffer to some extent. The best thing you can do to help yourselves is to find professional help ASAP. A certified grief counselor is trained and experienced in any and all feelings of grief, anger (which is a normal response), etc. and can also refer to a psychiatrist should medication be necessary. There's never any need to suffer alone and it isn't wise to make that choice. You must come to terms, as best you can, with the act of your loved one and you must come to understand your own responses. We cannot know the minds of others, no matter how well we think we DO know that person. We cannot understand the intense internal turmoil that drives a person to take his or her life since this is irrational and the result of illness (emotional or psychological). A rational person who is not mentally ill cannot understand, not even the professionals understand. Only those who have been there can attempt to understand and even they can't because they did, after all, survive. If you belong to a church or synagogue or mosque, seek out a religious leader and turn to God. Only He has the ultimate answers and you must continue to live, to work through this, because your life has great meaning. God bless you.

I lost my father to suicide three weeks ago. Threee before that I lost my mother to a drug overdose. Both parents had a serious drinking problem and many mental issues. My dad got his second or third ( I lost count) DUI in Arizona driving a semi over the road. He was not going to go back to jail and he loved the job that he had just lost. My grandma bailed him out of jail and he went to a hotel and hung himself. He had attmepted it a couple times years prior. I miss him and we had just started talking a lot. In the time of three months I went from having both parents alive to now being an orphan at 22 years old. My dad was remarried and my stepmom is loosing it. She told me last night that I couldn't have my family go to my dads memorial because he didn't like them, which I think is a lie. They she proceeded to tell me that my dad didn't even care when my mom died. Again I think it was just to hurt me because they were together for 20 years. She hasn't let me do anything for the memorial, and if she asks me too, it has to be her way. I am very upset that she said my dad didn't care when my mom died. She had no reason to even say that to me, other then to hurt me. Plus with me being the pushover that I am I didn't even say anything to her.....

Move OUT OF THAT HOUSE. Go to social services and ask for HUD (Human Urban Development) application. It takes into account your income (if you have one, and if you don't social services pays the rent), get food stamps, get on state assisted health insurance, you qualify most likely for ALL OF THESE BENEFITS. Get away from THAT WOMAN. What you need now is counseling, comforting and security. Your Mom and Dad are in God's hands. Memorials, headstones, grave sites, none of these really mean a thing except to the living. You can plan your own memorial when you are settled. Right now, you need to take care of yourself and that's not happening in the atmosphere you're in. GO -- DO IT TOMORROW. Find a good therapist, once you have state assisted insurance they will pay for it. Work your way out of this deep hole, YOU CAN DO IT Your whole life is ahead of you. Do you want to spend it paying the psychological tolls of the very bad choices made by your parents? NO. And you don't have to my dear, you don't have to. God bless you.

This is day two of a nightmare I cannot awaken from. I am alone with my thoughts, especially at night. At night it's worse. I keep seeing that image. I call it the 'door shot'. My step-father's body, what's left of it. His lifeless form, disfigured, slumped near a trash can, framed by the open door to the garage. Monster!

His selfish act. The suicide note. How many people can actually say they've read a suicide note? I was even more sad afterwards. If that was possible. Turns out, it was.

At first, I was angry at him. For doing this. For misconstruing things. For leaving the door open, knowing we would be the ones to find him. His revenge on my mother, if that's what it was, failed. His suicide note did not hit home nor did she see him as she made her way out of the car. She would never see that horror! No, because I saw him first, shielded her view. My incomprehensive wailings, guttural sounds, panic and disbelief moved as one to usher her back to the safety of the car and then she was removed from the danger; the awfulness of bearing witness to something abnormal. Something horrific. Something that will now linger in my brain, unwanted but taking up residence nonetheless.

I catered. I monitored. I comforted. Has she asked once how I was? If I was okay? If I was alright? If I was sleeping? No. Why would she? Self-centeredness is myopic. It doesn't see past one's nose.

So...he took his life. Violently. Without regard for who would find him or what pain and shock it would cause. Because he was depressed. Because he felt forgotten. So he lashed out. One last time. One final scream with the shot of the gun and he was gone.

It was the end of him. But the beginning of the nightmare. The one that I cannot awaken from. I am alone with my thoughts...

It's impossible for us to know what drives many people to suicide. The truly mentally ill, like my daughter, don't "die" they "escape" because they can't think through the torment, it's part of the disease - irrational thought, paranoia, confused thought patterns, hallucinations, delusions, and many are very, very good at hiding these symptoms. But when someone who appears "normal" and has no diagnosis of mental illness does what your stepfather did, it is terribly confusing. What was he thinking? What were his motives? Was he even slightly rational or had he been overtaken by despair so deep he couldn't see his way out? Was his choice of where to act deliberate or did he just "lose it" and find himself there and, without thought of consequences to others, do the deed? My dear, we will never know, you will never know, only God knows and this is between his soul and its Maker.

You were there to shield your other for a reason: there are no accidents and there are no coincidences. Perhaps her mental health is not strong enough to have withstood being a witness; perhaps she is not physically well, even unknown to her, and such a sight might have caused a problem for her (heart attack, stroke). You were there as her shield for a reason. God put you there. Don't think He will abandon you now, because far from truth: He will be there now and always. I'm not just spouting religious junk here, I'm 64 years old and I have come to know God as well as any human can. He has been my constant partner, in church, out of church, at times when I lived life not forgetting Him but not putting Him first, at times I was extremely angry at Him and even in those times I questioned His existence. He never left me, not once. Without what He gave me as a child in a vision, I would not have been prepared for my daughter's death and I would have been buried eight months ago.

So I ask you to do two things: honor whatever your feelings are, anger is a normal part of grief and shock and you have a right to your anger so long as it doesn't turn to hate; yes, your mother may be narcissistic, we actually have that in common as mine thought very little about anyone but herself (but made a great show of caring) and I understand your enormous disappointment in her INABILITY to be empathic and protective of you. Believe me, I understand it all too well. It is a scar on the brain, the failure of a mother to do her job, to do what she is intended to do, toward her child(ren), it leaves us hurt and with feelings of inadequacy and abandonment, things we need to struggle with in all our relationships throughout our lives. But she didn't choose to have this problem, either. Second, regardless of your thoughts or feelings about God or religion, whether positive, negative, or non existent, turn to Him NOW. Jesus spoke a parable about the "prodigal son", how the father sets aside everything to run to the son who has wandered away; and the parable of the lost sheep for which the shepherd greatly rejoices when it is found. Go to Him. Talk to Him. Open yourself up so his grace and love and comfort can help you, AND GIVE HIM TIME TO WORK.

You are not alone with your thoughts; around you is the unseen world and, yes, this is true, this is not a fairy tale, this is not a delusion, I know. I'm an educated, world traveled woman no fool, and I know. With you are those who are there to help and support and those who are there to whisper in your ear all of the things that bring anger, hatred, self blame, guilt, because these things stop us from hearing God. Pray. If you don't know prayers, just speak to God. And listen. He will, someday, perhaps soon, answer you. Someday when you look back at all of this, if you let Him, you will see how He worked in your life, loved you and gave you strength. Wisdom is something we acquire in life and most often, unfortunately, through painful experiences. Find a grief counselor if you can. And know that you are loved. We, here, love you because you are now a sister in loss, and God loves you because you are, above all, His child.
jill

My grandfather had just passed away when his son (my uncle) decided to attempt to commit suicide with a shotgun in his car. He decided to do this after not being able to deal with his father's death and with his wife and child leaving him at the same time. The attempt left him unable to speak, comprehend, use motor skills, and stuck in a facility now since no one is able to take care of him. It scares me because I suffer from depression like he did and I'm scared I'll get to a place like he did. I miss my uncle.

Get professional help. There's no need to struggle with fear. If you have no job or little money, walk into the county mental health facility in your area (you can google it) and ask to see a social worker. They will determine how to handle your treatment (perhaps you will need help from Medicaid but social worker can help you do that.) Depression doesn't always end in death; in fact, there are probably tens of thousands of people LIVING with depression. Your uncle had much more going on than depression, he was in despair. This does NOT mean it will happen to you. You have a choice to be well and live your life. Make it today.

I lost my beloved grandma to suicide in 1997. She was very ill and while I do not blame her nor am I angry with her, It is certainly one of the most painful things that I have ever had to deal with. Her and I were best friends. She was my "father type" figure while my dad was being a drunk. I loved her with all my heart and it shattered into a million pieces that day in May.

I lost my mom to suicide on May 17 of 2011 and I was the one that found her. She was only 43 years old and two weeks before hand she tried to attempt it. She tried to O.D. on sleeping pills, she ate rat poisoning, held a gun to her head for a hour and she tried to cut herself. On May 17 she texted me to come home for lunch that she made for me and that was the last time i saw her alive. When I came home from school, i let my dog out but i could not let my little brother's dog out because our other dog chain was gone. I thought nothing about it until I looked inside for her and call her and she did not answer my call and then I went to the garage and I found her hanging there and then i called so called friends and they came over and they checked if she had heart beat but she did not then I called the police and told them that my mom committed suicide

You need immediate professional intervention. This is a horrific event in the life of a young person. DO NOT attempt to deal with this alone. Call Social Services in your area, explain the situation, ask for help with medical insurance (you probably qualify for Family Health Plus or some other Medicaid funded insurance) and referral to the mental health clinic in your area. DO NOT GIVE UP until you get help, even if you have to go IN PERSON and wait. You need counseling from a professional and possibly some short term medication to help you deal with this horrible experience. KEEP POSTING, there are many who will extend support to you, but do NOT try to manage this situation without professional help. I will keep you in my prayers.

three weeks ago my fiance shot himself. i dont know why, not sure if i will ever know. i dont even know where he got the gun.
guess i better start at the begining.
we met in middle school. he was in a grade ahead of me. we started dating four years ago. he was wonderful, even if he was depressed alot. he cared so much about people. would do anything to make a person laugh. i remember this one time, my parents were arguing so much that day and i rushed to our "hideout". it was a stupid shed made to be livable behind his grandma's place. but we could go there anytime just to escape from our messed up lives.
he walked in and i knew something was bothering him but he avoided all my questions and somehow got me to talk about my day and then made me laugh.
he would always do things like that.
On the day he died i was just getting home. had gotten out of the car and was unlocking the front door to be let in. He wasnt supposed to be home, i got home before hime most days but i found out later that he had taken the day off without telling me. i heard the shot just as i opened the door. and i ran up the stairs. i will never forget what i saw. the blood, everything. couldnt save him. we were set to get married on December 26th. the only time our families could afford to be together.
it hurts so much and im so angry at him. how could he do such a thing? what really possesses someone to shoot themselves?

Fairy, my daughter did much the same thing (but in the backseat of her car). She was very, very ill mentally. Your fiancee was suffering a terrible illness, much more than usual depression. WE don't KNOW, the signs aren't what you'd expect them to be, even DOCTORS don't know when a patient is having a psychotic episode. You have a right to your anger, it's okay to be angry. Don't deal with this alone. If you have no family members to fully support you, find a close friend to stay with and get grief counseling as soon as you can. It will take time and work to get past this but you CAN do it. I will pray for you.