Thank you Jackie. My son and I talked about the people he knew who had committed suicide and agreed how hurtful it was to the survivors in May. We talked about failed attempts and how that often left people maimed and living with their hurt. He told me he would hang himself but not a long hanging (after he did this in Sept. I looked it up on the net and realized he had probably already researched it before). He was an avid hunter and I told him I was surprised he would not have used a gun. The fact that we even discussed this subject to that extent makes me afraid that he thought I was giving him permission. It was supposed to be a hypothetical conversation and I missed the significance of it to him. I admit that I was very ignorant about the signs at the time.

Regards, ClaudiaP

I know what you mean Claudia, it's something that we really can't wrap our minds around...that's why we automatically go into denial and don't think it will really happen. And then when it does...there's this flood of feelings and all of them aren't anything you can really do anything about. First off...we already miss the person, then we wish we could have done something, but we know it's too late. Then we wonder what it would be like if they were still here. It goes on and on...but the bottom line is, blame or second guessing doesn't help us or them one single bit. So we just have to look for a way to honor their memory, without breaking down in tears. It gets better as time passes, but I always feel like I still have a hole in my heart. That's not from the suicide...that's just from missing him.

I'm praying for your son and all the people out there who have ended their own lives or are thinking about it.

Take care,
Jackie

Zydeco, I do know what you are going through. My man left me just earlier this year. Having the status of girlfriend, or fiance, just doesn't do it with the law. His mother, who was the last of kin, came into the home (legally, of course) and either donated or sold anything I couldn't find a receipt for. It has prompted me to encourage everyone to make sure they have a LEGAL will. Especially my gay friends, who don't have the option of marriage.
I understand what you mean by "never in a million years". My man was a speaker, had a very good job that he enjoyed, we had plenty of trips and great things to do, and shared a lifetime of love in a very short time. He was probably the last person in the world that I thought would take his life. But, without ANY signs of warning, he killed himself quietly on a night he knew I wouldn't be seeing him. Makes us all wonder what we could have done.
I am doing my best to go on with life, but I know also what you mean about all the love having no where to go. I hope that we will all find answers here that will enable us just to get through one more day.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Being that this happened so recently, I imagine that you feel pretty raw right now. I know that I did. And...I think it would be harder to wrap your mind around having had no warning. No warning at all. I knew my Dad was very depressed and he had tried to end things many times, but I never really thought he would complete the act. In your case, it would be the double whammy...the shock of hearing of his passing and not having a clue he even felt this way. From what the shrink tells me...men are the best deceivers of all when it comes to suicide. They are usually the ones that never give a clue that they are that depressed. I had a psychiatrist years and years ago that I had been going to for meds. He was a really nice guy...he always sat there and listened to all my problems (this was before my father's passing). Then one day I was trying to call his office to get my meds tweaked and I couldn't reach him and no one would tell me what was going on. Then I got a letter from their office telling me that he had ended his life. This was a guy who went to work every day trying to help other people and here he's suffering so badly. Who knew?
My family tried going to SOS meetings. "Survivors of Suicide". The meetings were monthly and they were hard to handle, but I went for the first few months. But then it just started getting overwhelming. Every month there were more and more people there with heartbreaking stories to tell. It just seemed never ending and I just wanted all the dying to stop. So I stopped going. My mother and my sister got some relief from going to those meetings. So if you can find one in your area, it might be the thing for you.

Again, I am so sorry for your loss, it sounds so empty just saying those words, but I am sorry that you have to deal with this. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

I'm here if you need to talk,
Take care,
Jackie

i just joined this community cos i almost lost my sister not that long ago to suicide. she od and ended up in hospital and she slits her wrists. i also lost a very close family frend who hung himself at his family home

Hello, everyone. This is my story. My very good friend, Andy, died last year of a self inflicted gunshot. I found him dead in his house the next day. We had known each other since 1990 and were always very good friends. The five month prior to his death we spent a lot of time together because he was single then, I was single and we needed each other. I never ever thought he would do something like that, ever. I was the last person to see him alive and the first person to see him dead. I miss my friend very very much.

I took in his pets. I call his Mom everyday just like he did. His ex wife and I have become friends. Lisa and I knew each all these years anyway. Lisa, his Mom, his two boys are my connection with Andy still. He lives on thru them for me.

Life is for the living. We shall over come and kick their butts when we see them again!

Everyone stay strong!

Hi i have read all the things everyone has shared on here today..my thoughts are with you all. My exhusband committed a double homicide of his ex girlfriends 2 daughters then he comitted suicide on 11/09/06 ..11 months ago today. We will never know why. My daughter and I have been on DS for sometime now and meeting people who understand helps us tremendously. I have gone through every possible emotion over the past 11 months. I know I had nothing to do with any of it. I am however a mother and my children are here and alive and "D's" are both gone at the hand of a man I was married to for 25 years. There is a feeling of guilt that I cannot get rid of no matter how much therapy, medicine, prayer, acceptance ,grief counseling I attend. I am a caregiver for a very ill man..I tried to nap earlier and I woke up in a complete panic because i was dreaming of trying to stop him. There is so much to this whole thing and i dont want to even go there ..i want to say to anyone who has lost someone by the hand of a murderer..know that the murderers family is as tortured as the victim..because as for me and my family we would have done ANYTHING ...to stop him!

I am so sorry this happeded to you. I'm sure even now...the entire thing is really unimaginable. And you say that you feel so guilty about it. So is it guilt because your family is still alive or guilt because you didn't do anything to stop it? Sometimes I think we feel irrational guilt over things because we don't know how else to feel.
You know in your heart there was nothing you could have done to change what happened that day. It sounds to me like the entire horrible incident was an impulsive act. Do you think that's correct? And if that's true...then there really isn't anything that anyone could have done.
I will pray for all the souls that were lost on that tragic day.

And I hope that you can try not to be so hard on yourself. It wasn't your fault...really.

I hope this helps...
Take care,
Jackie

thanks for your understand, support and kindness..my guilt is irrational and I am trying to work that out..it was a very impulsive act that Bill did. Just have to move head ..thanks again jane

Jackie, you are so right about people not understanding what you are going thru unless you have been there yourself, someone told me after my boyfriend killed himself 2 mos ago that I should just go on and live my life and forget about it, what nerve huh? how long ago has it been since your dad died? does the pain ever leave? I still cry every day and dont think I could ever be with anyone else in my life, I had the man I loved with all my heart and he is gone now and I have no urge or anything to even want to go anywhere or do anything since he is gone.. Tammy

My lovely guy, 53, couldn't find a job after over a year of looking, rejection, and unemployment. Decided he was better off dead than to be a burden on me and society, shot himself July '07. I loved him wholeheartedly and would have happily helped him no matter how long it took to find a job. He left me a letter which I find indescribably helpful, and I do not feel anger or resentment to him, I know his decision had nothing to do with me. Miss him every day. Love him always.

I just wanted to post a big thank you...and hugs, to all of you who have shared your story. There are so many times that I think we survivors of those who committed suicide are so very alone, and experiencing something that no one understands. Here, in this forum, I know I will be understood, and have something very close in common with each and every one in here. People who have never had this horrific thing happen to someone they love can't possibly conceive of a day where one minute you are smiling, and the next, in tears. Being a health care professional makes it a bit difficult, because, since my man's suicide was pretty high profile, a lot of our clientele know the story, and they see me each time they come in the office, watching me put up my facade of being the helpful, cheerful clinician.
At least in here, I have read each and every story...and know that I am not alone.
Thanks again for helping me understand, and cope, with my own loss, and let me say my heart goes out to each of you for your losses. We may never be "normal" again, but this forum will hopefully allow us to become something that resembles the "old" person that we were.

I lost my mother to suicide when i was a child. it felt like my childhood also died that day. she was separated from my father and i couldnt live with him as he was an alcoholic so spent time in care. I ever got any of her things, and didnt attend her funeral. I was just taken away and sent to a strange place with a strange woman. I dont feel i had a chance to mourn and she sent me back to school 2 days later. I am an only child and had no grand parents either. i felt and still do thirty years later feel alone and cant forget the pain of that day. i kissed her goodbye in the morning and went to school and then she did it. sometimes i wonder what my life would have been like if she was here. i have made many mistakes and been married to violent men x2. I dont feel any anger towards her just regret that i didnt tell her i loved her enough . sometimes i blame myself. However i have my own children but recently my youngest son tried to kill himself - a serious attempt and this brought a lot back to me. i still feel scared if he has been quiet in his room when i walk in. i feel scared if i give him a row for anything. i feel scared that he has inherited something from me.

It sounds like suicide was SO taboo back then when your mom passed and everyone was just in the "pretend like it didn't happen" mode.

I'm so sorry this happened to you and that it still haunts you. Have you ever had any kind of counselling to help you work your way through the grief?

In April of 06, my fathe rand I went to check on my grandfather and when we opened his door we found him lying on his bed. He had shot himself, we knew that he was having some problems but he never even acted like they were this bad. I tryed to check on him and help him everyday. The hardest part is that he didn't even leave a note so we are not sure what exactly pushed him this far. He was worried someone was after him but would not tell us why. He had just been in the hospit