Cheaters Anonymous Community Group
This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.
I ruminated over a msg to send my narc for days. (OCD does that to me...I wrote it, re-wrote it, decided I wouldn't send it...Finally, I had to send to send it to relieve my anxiety about it. OCD 'quirks' can take up a great deal of time)
I know it probably feeds his ego that I sent it, but I feel better for having done so (I was very teary yesterday). He hasn't responded yet. I suspect he won't. I am taking a non-response as affirming my suspicion that it is over...which is the question that I asked him. He is flirting publicly with someone else. His new main source of supply, I suppose (tho he has many sources...a veritable FB harem). Good luck to her. I hope he treats her better than he treated me. I think this one might actually be single.
I know it probably feeds his ego that I sent it, but I feel better for having done so (I was very teary yesterday). He hasn't responded yet. I suspect he won't. I am taking a non-response as affirming my suspicion that it is over...which is the question that I asked him. He is flirting publicly with someone else. His new main source of supply, I suppose (tho he has many sources...a veritable FB harem). Good luck to her. I hope he treats her better than he treated me. I think this one might actually be single.
Pretty daring and I am glad he got the subject out there.
Here's the general gist of your interaction here:
Cindy - I am not happy in my marriage. I am not sexually attracted to my husband. I want that, and I want travel, which he won't do.
Fiber - Blame your partner and start over again with someone you think is more compatible if you want to, but it won't work. Just because you aren't satisfied doesn't mean he isn't actually satisfactory. You don't really know what you need, and your dissatisfaction is all in your head - he's perfectly fine.
Cindy - I stay in my marriage for appearances and finances.
Fiber- He must be meeting your needs if you haven't left yet. "In many cases, the needs were met by the marriage, leading to marriage, and no other needs were perceived until a temptation presented itself. Then, suddenly, there are needs that haven't been met." Translation --> Cindy doesn't really know what her needs are, her marriage isn't just for appearances, and she is only dissatisfied because she had an affair (not that she was dissatisfied already beforehand).
Cindy - Lists many reasons why things aren't working and counseling won't be enough...
Fiber - So he has a few hang ups... Can't you just fix him?
Cindy - "Not a clue. No longer care."
Fiber - But you have to care! Talk to him about it! Give him a chance.
Cindy - I have. It didn't work. He shuts me out. I tried that for years, and now I've just given up. Besides, I'm not sexually attracted to him anymore, so it doesn't even matter now what his sexual problems are. That loving feeling is gone. I'm going to formulate a plan to leave him.
Fiber - Read this book about how your husband is likely hiding his depression from you.
Cindy - He's always been like this. It's a pattern and years of trying didn't change anything.
Fiber - But I really think he's depressed! That's what it sounds like. Besides, you knew he didn't like oral sex before, so its your fault that you're unhappy now. Just suck it up and keep dealing with it.
Cindy - I admit that I settled before. It worked for raising a family, but now I want more. I need more. And he can't give it to me.
Fiber - You want a fulfilling sex life now? That's not fair!
Cindy - It's not fair to stay when I don't desire him, only love him like a brother, and keep lying to him. It's better to leave.
Fiber - You should just tell him what's a dealbreaker and give him another chance to make it all better.
Cindy - It's years too late for that. I don't want him anymore.
You can also repeat that last pair two or so more times... And there's more. The "questions" are passive-aggressive, and the "examples" are all aimed at saying Cindy can't possibly know what she wants.
'Dr. Michael Brady, who specializes in sexual health as medical director of the Terrence Higgins Trust, told The Associated Press that oral sex could have contributed to Douglas’s cancer but that it was difficult to pinpoint a single cause.
He pointed out that Douglas had been a smoker and a drinker, two factors that he said are the most common causes of oral cancer.
“There are often a number of factors, genetic, environmental, viral, that could be playing a role,” he said.
Brady said there are hundreds of different types of HPV virus and that in most cases it does not cause damage. The risk is so low, he said, that he does not believe people should worry or change their sexual practices.'
Sorry, Fiber, but you do seem to have made me your project and I am not sure why. I appreciate a lot of your advice...I really do...but this thread is a bit much.
Cindy, I've stuck it out with you for a while now, just as others did with me three years ago. If you don't want to hear from me just say so. Just try being direct.