"...they become routine and bound to you with all the other crap that life asks of us and trows at us,..." - doesn't sound very optimistic to me. I believe that love and passion can endure if you find the right person whose interests and desires match your own. Not everyone has a lackluster sex drive, and there are lots and lots of people who love travel. Her husband isn't one of them.

Oh, and that was my point - for her not to stay there with her husband just dangling there like a safety net. To actually go, do, live, and embrace what she wants. Lots of people do. Its not unheard of to make the life you want for yourself.

I love travel, and always find a way to fit it into my life. So far I've been to 19 countries and counting. I've experienced thing and places that will stay with me always. There is no substitute for a well-lived life.

Funny, I didn't hear hostility in Tantric's words...concern, frustration, realism...but no hostility.

The problem, for me, in moving on kind of echoes what goingtobe said. Happiness comes from within and when we're looking to others for a satisfying life, it can be easy to move through a series of disorienting relationships, blaming partners for our misery. Alternately, one might come to recognize that the common factor in all of those relationships, that didn't bring satisfaction, is oneself.

I can decide that it's my husband who keeps me from being happy, and find a new guy, but of I keep coming up empty I have to consider that it might be me. And that I've brought me into all those scenes. Then I have to do some personal work.

Typically, in the pattern of addictive relationships, we just shot can the one that's not working, blame the partner, and start over with someone who, in the early stages, seems more compatible. It doesn't work until we become satisfied with Self.

Thank You, Fiber, there was no hostility, but there was concern, frustration and realism. I am pretty sure that if I had kept the relationship aka adulterous affair going with Eric, he would have been caught and I would have that guilt for her pain on my conscience, as well as my guilt for having an affair with another woman's husband. THE REALISM IS WHY I AM SO GLAD I ENDED IT AND ONE OF THE MAIN REASONS I AM ADVISING CINDY TO END IT!

I must admit it is hard to type the words that describe the truth of what I did.

No worries, Tantric. It's always been easy enough to see your good intentions even when you've been off track. I doubt you have a hostile bone in your body.

I certainly wasn't advising Cindy to run off into the sunset with anyone. IMO she doesn't have anyone worth doing that with, her H included. The narc is a loser, AFF guy doesn't want her except for sex, and H doesn't like the things she does, doesn't have passion, and won't travel. I say ditch them all and find that internal happiness. Take charge, travel, and enjoy life.

Sorry, that's what I interpreted when you said "and amazing sex with a partner who gives himself to you... Those are things worth just about anything. They are definitely worth giving up a lackluster marriage with a "good" man who doesn't have passion for you, doesn't like the things that you like, and is holding you back."

My bad.

You can have excellent sex without necessarily making that person be your entire life. That was a hypothetical. Maybe I'm a bit of an optimist after all. I do believe that there are multiple people out there who could be a good match, physically and otherwise. I don't think anyone should trap themselves in something that isn't working with someone who doesn't meet their needs just because of fear.

The thing is, there must be some need met by the marriage, otherwise why hold on to it? In many cases, the needs were met by the marriage, leading to marriage, and no other needs were perceived until a temptation presented itself. Then, suddenly, there are needs that haven't been met.

I never felt the need for a cigarette until I had one, them I wanted them all the time. The body has no real need for nicotine, only a perceived need triggered by addiction. Clear away the addiction, and the 'need' goes with it.

I think that's overly simplistic and discounts the fact that sometimes people who get married aren't a good match or grow to need different things as they change with age. She needs a travel companion, he refuses. She needs a satisfying sex life, he doesn't provide it. She wants to have experiences and do things in life that he doesn't want. I don't think there is a reason to trivialize that or compare her thirst for life to having a cigarette.

From her posts it seems the only real need being met by the marriage is keeping up appearances. She said, "the fall-out: financial, family, etc, terrifies me. Yes, I am a coward." That, and the fact that she doesn't want to hurt him, are the only things keeping her in the marriage. Her kids are grown. She is stuck and paralyzed by fear. That's no way to live.

I find your assessment of my post as trivializing and overly simplistic to be antagonistic. Cindy is capable of speaking for herself as to whether or not my analogy holds meaning for her, without your assessment of the quality of my post.

Also, I said 'in many cases' not all or even this case. Spend three years on this board and you might make a similar observation. Many CS find that, once the fog has lifted and the addiction is no longer affecting their thoughts, they are satisfied with their spouses and it was only through affair goggles guaranteed sainthood spouses in such a negative light.

I'm not saying that's the case with Cindy, only proposing that it's possible. Stranger things have happened.

Wow. Thank you autocorrect. 'guaranteed sainthood' should have been 'that they saw their'.

You are entitled to your opinion. And you're right... stranger things have happened. However, I do think Cindy spoke for herself. You just conveniently claim that her assessment is off. Which is it? Can we trust her to know whether her marriage is only for appearances, or is she too blind to actually see? Whichever serves your purpose, right?

Also, I really hope not to spend three years on this board. I have far too much of a life to still be wallowing in this three years from now.

And just because a person is not satisfied does not mean that what they are being provided with is not satisfactory. A person who is food addicted will not be satisfied with healthy portions. A person who is sex addicted might, likewise, be dissatisfied with what is actually a healthy sexual relationship.

Sometimes a person needs to get clear in order to see that his or her needs can be met with what's available. Or that, with better communication and greater intimacy, their partner might be more accommodating.

The grass is always greenest where you water it.

I agree with that last statement wholeheartedly. I do think it's naive to think that every single marriage can be saved no matter what with some communication. Some people do grow apart. Sometimes we don't choose a mate that is compatible. That is a possibility that I feel like you're discounting. That's all.