Same shit, different pile. How about reading my actual words? I didn't make any assessment of Cindy's situation. I spoke in generalities about a common dynamic in many of these situations. Not sure how sharing an observation I've made over time serves 'my purpose' as you so accordingly put it.

I have no great agenda here. And I'm not wallowing. I stick around to provide a little balance at times when the board can become skewed by the foggy thinking of an influx of new CS.

Read carefully now. I didn't say it has become skewed, just that it can. And I didn't say that anyone's thinking is foggy but, again, just that it can be.

I'm also not discounting any possibility by merely pointing out that communication has helped in some cases. It could be that in Cindy's case it would help, or not, but it would be hard to accurately assess the potential for improvement while addiction is still having an impact.

True. Addiction skews everything.

Hello. I was busy with that big event this weekend (which went very well), so am just getting back to the board now. If I have to choose an assessment to prefer, it would be jaded's. My sex life with my husband consists of Viagara-fueled, missionary position, minimal foreplay and about 5 minutes of intercourse. And, really, I don't care. I am no longer attracted to my husband. A lot of why I stay in my marriage is for appearances, financial reasons and I do not want to hurt my spouse.

Narc seems to be all I want in a man. He likes to travel. He says he is adventurous sexually, though it is hard to judge whether this is really true, or whether he is telling me what I need to hear.

AFF guy is a nice guy. We get along well.When he is with me, he treats me well...but it is FWB arrangement.

So how do I get up the nerve to leave my H? I need a new job first, for one thing.

Getting yourself in order is a good first step. You need to feel comfortable and confident in yourself. Becoming independent from any man is a big part of that (although H may owe you alimony depending on your state and the arrangement in your marriage).

And, gently, the narc is not perfect for you. He is a narcissist. There's no cure. He's selfish and cruel to you and ignores you except for when he wants something from you. You deserve so much more.

Again, I wasn't making an assessment so...whatever...

Getting yourself in order is a good first step. You need to feel comfortable and confident in yourself. Becoming independent from any man is a big part of that (although H may owe you alimony depending on your state and the arrangement in your marriage).

And, gently, the narc is not perfect for you. He is a narcissist. There's no cure. He's selfish and cruel to you and ignores you except for when he wants something from you. You deserve so much more.

No, there will be no alimony. I am not sure what the law is in Canada, but we both have made equivalent income over our careers. I took early retirement and get a pension. I had a very good post-retirement job until recently. I know my situation with the Narc had an affect on my work, as I was often moody, preoccupied. we had sex chats while I working...etc...I was not fired; I resigned, but by the time I did, I had ruined my relationship with my supervisor (who was actually a toxic, narcissistic bully, anyway...not just my opinion. My co-worker, who when I first met was super confident, almost arrogant, was reduced to a quivering wimp who was physically ill coming to work. He has since also resigned).

In any case, I would not ask for alimony, even if I could get it. We have a large country property that is paid off and lots of investments. Splitting everything down the middle would leave me reasonably confortable if I am working.

I know Narc is not perfect for me. He came to the event at my house, only stayed and hour, completely ignored me...I mean, did not even say goodbye and thank you when he left...

Fiber, perhaps that was a poor choice of words. I am not discounting everything you have said. I just know if my marriage is salvageable, even with counseling. My husband won't travel and he is not as nearly as sexual as I am. He has never, not once, in the 26+ years we have been together, gone down on me (yeah, I know...graphic). He won't touch me if I have my period. Etc.

*I just don't know

So he has hang ups. Any idea why?

Not a clue. No longer care.

Not a clue. Ever bother asking or helping him to figure out why? Did you talk to him about wanting oral sex,
not by hinting but in no uncertain terms? Did you ever care why, beyond you not getting quantity want and simply caring about what he might have been through to cause such hang ups?

Of course I cared years ago. Of course he would never open up and tell me. Now I that I am no longer sexually attracted to him, it doesn't seem so urgent...

Why beat your head against a wall when you are no longer attracted? You can only be shut down and denied so many times before you just don't care anymore. I know exactly what that's like.

That is a good question. I think I am going to formulate an action plan.