*fearing*, not creating....

Just so I'm clear, the purpose of this board now is to tell people who don't want to be married anymore that their feelings and assessment of their marriage is wrong and they should hang on? Because that worked out for you? Let's just disregard what she's said and push our own agenda that all marriages are worth keeping.

Pinkpony, I am finding jaded's input to be as valuable as fiber's, frankly. The little side comments do not bother me. I appreciate everyone who has contributed to this thread, actually.

Yes, there are certain things I want...better sex, travel, etc...but it is a whole lot more complicated than that. Maybe you are right, fiber. Maybe there is no one thing, or ten things, that he can do to salvage the marriage. Maybe I do just want to be on my own.

Sometimes being on your own for a while can be very enlightening. Its scary at first, but you can learn a lot about yourself, what you want, and how to make yourself happy.

We live in a big place out in the country, about an hour from the city. I dream of getting a job in the city, living in a small apt without all the 'stuff' (within walking distance to work, if possible), going out to dinner and the theater a couple nights a week. Travelling when I can. A lifestyle my H would want nothing to do with...

Oh...the action plan I spoke of has the time frame of one year. I am not going to rush into anything...

reply #128 hit the nail on the head lol

That sounds quite nice. I wanna visit! :)

Tip, it's hilarious, that #128. A complete fabrication, but really fucking funny.

I didn't say that her assessment of her marriage is wrong, I.said that such is the case for some. That is true. Sometimes it's wise to take another look from another perspective. I never once said she should save her marriage or give him another chance. I inquired as to how she had communicated with him in the past, whether or not certain avenues had been explored.

People hear whatever serves their purpose, whatever supports their view, however inaccurate and sometimes without respect for others.

You can't do therapy over a discussion forum. You can only ask questions that help people to question what they are doing. That is why people are hear. To post, reflect, question, debate and hopefully come out of the situation better.

Here is what I see. Fiber asks some good questions and Cindy responds in earnest. The issues sometimes then get to close to Cindy's FOO and childhood issues, and Cindy throws out a big deflector comment. Shuts it down, as she has a right to do.

Instead of seeing it for what it is, Fiber keeps trying. Fiber is trying to question through the resistance. She seems to me to be trying to move Cindy to a contemplation point of being ready to change.

These questions then become the focus of the debate, with Fiber taking the side of having been the cheater and learned from it. Jaded you seem oriented to defending the opposite side of the points being made. Then, the debate seems to entrench, become energized, and then takes on more energy and gets personal.

Here is the thing. Cindy is not ready to change. She is not ready to leave her comfort zone. She wants her cake and wants to eat it too. Fair enough. Cindy will stay in this position until a landslide happens and he is totally caught, or she puts on her big woman panties and fixes her marriage or leaves. Until then, all this debate is what she needs to question to hopefully help her sort out which direction to try to go.

Your two's questions are what should help her decide to take control and break out of limbo because she wants to, where she is the driver of the process versus the recipient of others actions.

This is my take.


PS: To deny the link between HPV and cancer is like denying the link between smoking and cancer. If you keep her head under the sand on this one, at least get your kids immunized against HPV. My kids are and are not going to contribute to the spread of cervical, throat and mouth cancer.

Google whatever you want. I posted a Harvard link. You posted a Guardian one. I will take Harvard any day. Then again, I wore my pediatrician out about it too. That, and how about a big fat frank conversation with your OBGYN about the facts. She is the one seeing lives ravaged by cancer and that is why she is swabbing your cervix ever year.

And while you girls can be tested, me, there is no test for me. If I have the type that causes warts you will see it. If I have one of the strands that do not and are asymptomatic for me, I will just look like clean fit dude, meanwhile infecting you over and over again.

I understand the HPV connection. I did not post a Guardian link. I posted a Toronto Star link. Michael Douglas apparently refuted the statement (which appeared in the Guardian initially) that his cancer developed from HPV. he was a heavy smoker and drinker and that is a more likely origin.

goingtobeok, I do appreciate the questions from both sides. Yes, this is basically a process to help me sort through what I want to do with the rest of my life. I am, as I said, giving myself a year. First step...find another job. I have a pension and investments, but need to be able to support myself and pay to travel when I can.

Goingtobe, I don't mind the debate. As you say, it's necessary to the process of sifting and sitting. What I take issue with is being laughed at, ridiculed, misquoted and misinterpreted, then accused of negative intentions.

But this has always been the challenge on this board. My skin is growing thicker.

Ahhhh Fiber, that just means your hitting a cord, getting to the meat of the issues! :)

I will try to remember to.receive it that way. Thank you.