Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I see this all the time on the board, abuse victims wondering whether they are "just too sensitive", thus negating the abuse they have suffered. I have responded a few times today but wanted to put something, just my own thoughts, in a separate thread (which will, of course, be a bit repetitive of what I've said elsewhere).
Firstly, I want to say that in my view, sensitivity is a virtue to be cherished, not a flaw to be exploited. Secondly, who gets to decide how much sensitivity is enough, how much is too much, how much is not enough? It doesn't make sense to me that anyone could be too much of a good thing.
That said, even if there is some kind of objective "sensitivity limit" beyond which we are deeply flawed individuals ... surely it is the responsibility of someone who loves and cherishes us to be, themselves, sensitive to our "flaw" and so avoid exploiting it. If I have a nut allergy, wouldn't I expect my loving partner to be very careful to avoid having nuts around? Would it really be my fault if I went into anaphylactic shock after he prepared a meal for me containing peanuts, knowing of my allergy? Just because someone else would have been fine after eating the meal doesn't make my (physical) reaction my fault.
The same goes for emotional sensitivity. If someone calls me stupid or ugly, or lays a guilt trip on me, or is in some other way hurtful, is it really my fault that I'm hurt by it? Especially if that someone is my partner who professes to love me and who knows that I am sensitive and easily hurt, and who knows that I have self esteem issues? No it is not. That loving partner should be trying to build my self esteem, should be reassuring me, should be working with me not against me.
Abusers use this line a lot, as one of the most common weapons in their armoury, to avoid taking any responsibility for their actions. They say or do something hurtful, then turn around and say we are "too sensitive" and that's why we are hurt by their hurtful words or actions. But it's rubbish. The cause of our hurt is their hurtful words or actions, not our sensitivity.
I'll say it again, because I believe it to be absolutely true. Sensitivity is a virtue to be cherished, not a flaw to be exploited.
Firstly, I want to say that in my view, sensitivity is a virtue to be cherished, not a flaw to be exploited. Secondly, who gets to decide how much sensitivity is enough, how much is too much, how much is not enough? It doesn't make sense to me that anyone could be too much of a good thing.
That said, even if there is some kind of objective "sensitivity limit" beyond which we are deeply flawed individuals ... surely it is the responsibility of someone who loves and cherishes us to be, themselves, sensitive to our "flaw" and so avoid exploiting it. If I have a nut allergy, wouldn't I expect my loving partner to be very careful to avoid having nuts around? Would it really be my fault if I went into anaphylactic shock after he prepared a meal for me containing peanuts, knowing of my allergy? Just because someone else would have been fine after eating the meal doesn't make my (physical) reaction my fault.
The same goes for emotional sensitivity. If someone calls me stupid or ugly, or lays a guilt trip on me, or is in some other way hurtful, is it really my fault that I'm hurt by it? Especially if that someone is my partner who professes to love me and who knows that I am sensitive and easily hurt, and who knows that I have self esteem issues? No it is not. That loving partner should be trying to build my self esteem, should be reassuring me, should be working with me not against me.
Abusers use this line a lot, as one of the most common weapons in their armoury, to avoid taking any responsibility for their actions. They say or do something hurtful, then turn around and say we are "too sensitive" and that's why we are hurt by their hurtful words or actions. But it's rubbish. The cause of our hurt is their hurtful words or actions, not our sensitivity.
I'll say it again, because I believe it to be absolutely true. Sensitivity is a virtue to be cherished, not a flaw to be exploited.
i never got hat always thought wow maybe i am too sensitive..you just put that down in such a thoughtful real way thanks.
All my life I have been accused of being way too sensitive and that I need to get over it. Because I am sensitive, If someone hurt my feelings I would try to explain my issue with them. Thing was no one ever wanted to her it...so it was geez Daisy let it go, you never stop....all I wanted was respect and resolution.
When I met my H, he did the same things to me....would tell me that I was too overly sensitive and even my family knows I'm like that. So I was led to believe that it was a flaw. My H accused me of having borderline PD because of it, which my T assured me I did not.
So thank you Liv, for the reminder that being sensitive is not a personality flaw but a human trait that's normal and positive. It shows you actually have feelings, which many around the world these days do not ......
I agree with this. Even if we are all supposedly responsible for our own feelings, does not mean that a hurtful comment or remark won't hurt.
It all boils down to intent. My former abuser always had "good intentions", good for him in reinforcing to him his belief in his own superiority. Not good for me as the target of his reproach.
For an abuser the intent is to inflict pain and to trigger self doubt and abusers are very adept at doing just that. Once they realize they have succeeded in hurting, they don't stop, they continue, unlike those who realize their comments or remarks have hurt or offended someone, their intent was not to harm, so they stop and don't repeat them in the future.
Imo being sensitive is the same thing as being accutely perceptive and accurate. Those are very good traits, traits that no one can have too much of.
Wish I would have known about this site then. Thanks for addressing that 'ploy'.
Seriously. I only just joined this site and I'm already learning things like this. It makes me feel a lot better, actually. And even though I may not completely accept the idea fully right away, I'm still learning and hopefully will see things this way in the near future or even the far away future.
OMG, this seems to be the route that our "marriage counselor" is taking with our meetings. I feel as if she is also saying that I am too sensitive
DUMP THAT COUNSELOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
As bad as well all know couple counceling
to be, for abusive relationships, that's
APPALLING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
I stop when I see an injured animal on the road. I know how it feels to lie broken needing help while strangers go past looking away.
Most of the time they have crossed the rainbow bridge. I move them to the woods so the predators are not victims.
Twice, I found squirrels who were only midly injured but in shock needing someone to lift them to safety till they recovered.
I took them to a rehabber for recovery and they were released.
I have Swarovski crystal squirrels in their memory. It reminds me that being small is not bad. Every life is worth something.
AND a small act of kindness may mean life or death to the one receiving that kindness.
Thank you for the time and energy it took to write that for us.
God bles syou
Wonder how the squirrels who were lying on the road watching giant monters speed over them felt about me being "too sensitive".
I would like to separate for good but unfortunately I have children and feel they will hurt .(sorry being sensitive again) I did come across a blog Hope and Healing with Elaine. She speaks of highly sensitive people (HSP) and how to deal with it really did help me cope.