Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I see this all the time on the board, abuse victims wondering whether they are "just too sensitive", thus negating the abuse they have suffered. I have responded a few times today but wanted to put something, just my own thoughts, in a separate thread (which will, of course, be a bit repetitive of what I've said elsewhere).
Firstly, I want to say that in my view, sensitivity is a virtue to be cherished, not a flaw to be exploited. Secondly, who gets to decide how much sensitivity is enough, how much is too much, how much is not enough? It doesn't make sense to me that anyone could be too much of a good thing.
That said, even if there is some kind of objective "sensitivity limit" beyond which we are deeply flawed individuals ... surely it is the responsibility of someone who loves and cherishes us to be, themselves, sensitive to our "flaw" and so avoid exploiting it. If I have a nut allergy, wouldn't I expect my loving partner to be very careful to avoid having nuts around? Would it really be my fault if I went into anaphylactic shock after he prepared a meal for me containing peanuts, knowing of my allergy? Just because someone else would have been fine after eating the meal doesn't make my (physical) reaction my fault.
The same goes for emotional sensitivity. If someone calls me stupid or ugly, or lays a guilt trip on me, or is in some other way hurtful, is it really my fault that I'm hurt by it? Especially if that someone is my partner who professes to love me and who knows that I am sensitive and easily hurt, and who knows that I have self esteem issues? No it is not. That loving partner should be trying to build my self esteem, should be reassuring me, should be working with me not against me.
Abusers use this line a lot, as one of the most common weapons in their armoury, to avoid taking any responsibility for their actions. They say or do something hurtful, then turn around and say we are "too sensitive" and that's why we are hurt by their hurtful words or actions. But it's rubbish. The cause of our hurt is their hurtful words or actions, not our sensitivity.
I'll say it again, because I believe it to be absolutely true. Sensitivity is a virtue to be cherished, not a flaw to be exploited.
Firstly, I want to say that in my view, sensitivity is a virtue to be cherished, not a flaw to be exploited. Secondly, who gets to decide how much sensitivity is enough, how much is too much, how much is not enough? It doesn't make sense to me that anyone could be too much of a good thing.
That said, even if there is some kind of objective "sensitivity limit" beyond which we are deeply flawed individuals ... surely it is the responsibility of someone who loves and cherishes us to be, themselves, sensitive to our "flaw" and so avoid exploiting it. If I have a nut allergy, wouldn't I expect my loving partner to be very careful to avoid having nuts around? Would it really be my fault if I went into anaphylactic shock after he prepared a meal for me containing peanuts, knowing of my allergy? Just because someone else would have been fine after eating the meal doesn't make my (physical) reaction my fault.
The same goes for emotional sensitivity. If someone calls me stupid or ugly, or lays a guilt trip on me, or is in some other way hurtful, is it really my fault that I'm hurt by it? Especially if that someone is my partner who professes to love me and who knows that I am sensitive and easily hurt, and who knows that I have self esteem issues? No it is not. That loving partner should be trying to build my self esteem, should be reassuring me, should be working with me not against me.
Abusers use this line a lot, as one of the most common weapons in their armoury, to avoid taking any responsibility for their actions. They say or do something hurtful, then turn around and say we are "too sensitive" and that's why we are hurt by their hurtful words or actions. But it's rubbish. The cause of our hurt is their hurtful words or actions, not our sensitivity.
I'll say it again, because I believe it to be absolutely true. Sensitivity is a virtue to be cherished, not a flaw to be exploited.
"Sensitivity is a virtue to be cherished, not a flaw to be exploited"
Thank you for this! I have never heard this perspective! Thank you!
I have always thought that my sensitivity helped me discern and be caring, but it has always been looked at in a negative labeling way. You are the first person I have ever heard say it is a virtue!
I need this desperately right now! thank you!
that Livn published this
thread.
The value in her words
is perennial and always
powerful.
Sensitivity is an ASSET,
NOT a flaw, weakness
or liability. Sensitivity
enables us to navigate
a dicey world and to
ENJOY its beauty
and glory.
CELEBRATE SENSITIVITY.
Thank you for this.
in pursuit will build their target
up, (as a manipulative tactic,
for the purpose of ensnaring
and capturing a victim).
Once a victim is safely captured
and secured, the predator can
then confidently shift into the
characteristic tear-down
behaviors.
If ---- at any point ---- the predator
senses that the victim is possibly
planning an ESCAPE ----
then the predator will shift
into damage control mode
and revert back into a less
characteristic (but no less
abusive because it's so
covertly MANIPULATIVE),
bomb-the-target-with-
buildi-up behaviors.
In reality . . . . . the
more SENSITIVE a
person IS. . . . the
more likely she or he
will be able to discern
what mode or behavioral
pattern her or his partner
is currently employing.
Sensitivity is
an ASSET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
http://www.elephantjournal.com/2014/01/how-to-love-an-empath/
And, that is what I learned in therapy. If it is not feeling right, take a good hard look at what is going on.
My father (and mother who often allowed Dad to decide what mattered) often accused me of being too sensitive. And, so did my siblings and relatives. In other words, our Dad chose allies within the family to agree that if I complained or accused Dad of something that no one but me saw that I was "making it up" or even a liar. Abusers know what they are doing. They are not people with troubled pasts or people suffering themselves. They are simply bullies who expect to have their way. They are male and female. They are big and strong and small and weak. Abusers have many tactics. You will encounter them in the workplace, in marriages and in some social circles.
I learned how to spot it and make decisions about how to proceed. Running away is not always the best option except in marriage. An abuser is not willing to be your helpmate unless there is an audience to see how "helpful" he or she is. In private, you are "too sensitive," "too fat," "a wimp," or just not an acceptable person. The twist is that the abuser considers him/herself the real victim.
Learn to spot their tactics and how to reject them in a way that the abuser just backs off if it is at work or in other places in your life. If you are married to an abuser, there really is not way "this marriage can be saved." All the apologies and promises to change are hollow and really just a tactic to keep you enmeshed. I say, get out ASAP.
All the comments here are great. I learned much from reading them.