Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I see this all the time on the board, abuse victims wondering whether they are "just too sensitive", thus negating the abuse they have suffered. I have responded a few times today but wanted to put something, just my own thoughts, in a separate thread (which will, of course, be a bit repetitive of what I've said elsewhere).
Firstly, I want to say that in my view, sensitivity is a virtue to be cherished, not a flaw to be exploited. Secondly, who gets to decide how much sensitivity is enough, how much is too much, how much is not enough? It doesn't make sense to me that anyone could be too much of a good thing.
That said, even if there is some kind of objective "sensitivity limit" beyond which we are deeply flawed individuals ... surely it is the responsibility of someone who loves and cherishes us to be, themselves, sensitive to our "flaw" and so avoid exploiting it. If I have a nut allergy, wouldn't I expect my loving partner to be very careful to avoid having nuts around? Would it really be my fault if I went into anaphylactic shock after he prepared a meal for me containing peanuts, knowing of my allergy? Just because someone else would have been fine after eating the meal doesn't make my (physical) reaction my fault.
The same goes for emotional sensitivity. If someone calls me stupid or ugly, or lays a guilt trip on me, or is in some other way hurtful, is it really my fault that I'm hurt by it? Especially if that someone is my partner who professes to love me and who knows that I am sensitive and easily hurt, and who knows that I have self esteem issues? No it is not. That loving partner should be trying to build my self esteem, should be reassuring me, should be working with me not against me.
Abusers use this line a lot, as one of the most common weapons in their armoury, to avoid taking any responsibility for their actions. They say or do something hurtful, then turn around and say we are "too sensitive" and that's why we are hurt by their hurtful words or actions. But it's rubbish. The cause of our hurt is their hurtful words or actions, not our sensitivity.
I'll say it again, because I believe it to be absolutely true. Sensitivity is a virtue to be cherished, not a flaw to be exploited.
Firstly, I want to say that in my view, sensitivity is a virtue to be cherished, not a flaw to be exploited. Secondly, who gets to decide how much sensitivity is enough, how much is too much, how much is not enough? It doesn't make sense to me that anyone could be too much of a good thing.
That said, even if there is some kind of objective "sensitivity limit" beyond which we are deeply flawed individuals ... surely it is the responsibility of someone who loves and cherishes us to be, themselves, sensitive to our "flaw" and so avoid exploiting it. If I have a nut allergy, wouldn't I expect my loving partner to be very careful to avoid having nuts around? Would it really be my fault if I went into anaphylactic shock after he prepared a meal for me containing peanuts, knowing of my allergy? Just because someone else would have been fine after eating the meal doesn't make my (physical) reaction my fault.
The same goes for emotional sensitivity. If someone calls me stupid or ugly, or lays a guilt trip on me, or is in some other way hurtful, is it really my fault that I'm hurt by it? Especially if that someone is my partner who professes to love me and who knows that I am sensitive and easily hurt, and who knows that I have self esteem issues? No it is not. That loving partner should be trying to build my self esteem, should be reassuring me, should be working with me not against me.
Abusers use this line a lot, as one of the most common weapons in their armoury, to avoid taking any responsibility for their actions. They say or do something hurtful, then turn around and say we are "too sensitive" and that's why we are hurt by their hurtful words or actions. But it's rubbish. The cause of our hurt is their hurtful words or actions, not our sensitivity.
I'll say it again, because I believe it to be absolutely true. Sensitivity is a virtue to be cherished, not a flaw to be exploited.
Thanks
I am allergic to all animals, my eyes itch, my nose runs and I sneeze constantly! My chest gets tight and I find it hard to breath!
As a child when I once went down to my mother friends house who had two cats and a dog that I couldn't resist playing with I had to be taken to hospital and put on a ventator to help me to breathe, so it can get pretty dangerous I guess!
Anyway he would do this reoccurring discussion with me, the discussion would be "when we move in together I'm getting a dog because I've always had pets"
So I would plead with him not to (this would be a lovely power play conversation for him because of various factors, 1) he could put me off moving in with him as he never had any intentions oh committing to me because he was with someone else, 2) he loved seeing me upset and he loved to see me squirm and 3) he got to assert his mind games on me!
What he would say was this "why should I have to compromise just because of your allergy? Why should my life be effected by it? I've always had pets so why should I have to Bend my life just to suit yours?"
I'd be very confused because I am a logical person so I thought it was simple "I am allergic and it makes me ill"
He would argue for hours and in the end he'd say "karen, do you REALLY think I would put your health at risk? I can't believe u would even suggest that, of course I'm not going to get a dog and make u ill, u obviously don't know me very well if u think that"
So what I see in abusers verses sensitivity is this, .... It's just too much of a burden on them! Yep, why should they have to think of you and put your sensitivity first? They should be able to trample their way throu life and if anyone gets in the way with their sensitivity (physical or emotional) then it's their own fault for trying to PUT on them the need for them to have to bend a part of themselves around you!
So this too sensitive is just really them being selfish!
I don't want to be bored with thoughts of worry about you, I don't want to have to sacrifice anything for you,
My ex in his rant about getting a dog would actually say that he didnt think I was allergic and that I was just pretending to be, he'd say "you just want to tell me what I can and can't do and NO ONE tells me what I can and can't do!!!"
I am sensitive, but my sensitivity makes me more alert.
THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS TOO SENSITIVE!!!! :D
Just last night there was a simple incident that my spouse blew up about and after -when I asked him not to speak to me in that tone- he told me he didn't yell and i had to get a backbone.
I was angry at first, but eventually fell into the usual---sit quietly and let him stew and then he will be nice/ or at least not actively mean.
I waited and then I tried to finish the activity we were working on together and he told me that I couldn't do anything sitting on my butt and that it was too late so we just wouldn't .....
Again, I sat quietly and waited...we went to bed and I felt like maybe I am too sensitive....maybe I am going to throw away my marriage over being too sensitive (I am soooo close to leaving but keep stopping)...
Now this morning he was polite and talked about the activity we were working on last night and "will call later ."
I hate this back and forth guilt thing that I have because of my sensitivity.....
"Secondly, who gets to decide how much sensitivity is enough, how much is too much, how much is not enough?" Haha that's GOLD!!
I'm sensitive, and I think it's a neutral trait. I see both the good and bad side of that. Not being able to see the good side of sensitivity is a flaw in itself, and lopsided thinking.
I've definitely been hit with the "You're too sensitive" comments. Standard abuser tactic it seems!
(Although unfortunately also used by family trying to justify the abuse.)
Yellow, the guilt is just another part of the abuse. You wonder if you are going to "throw away [your] marriage over being too sensitive". But think about this. You have said elsewhere that you get no affection, you get constant criticism, you are not able to raise ANY of your own feelings or emotions, you are controlled, put down in the most vile terms, never comforted etc. Is that really a "marriage"?
When I was struggling with similar issues, I started with the idea that the way I was living was hurting me - a lot. I wasn't holding onto a marriage, I was holding onto a burning ember and stubbornly refusing to let it go, because I'd picked it up so I needed to hold on to it and I was afraid people would think I was weak or a loser if I let go. But really, it's just common sense that if the only thing something is doing is hurting you, it's far wiser to let it go than to let it keep hurting you out of pride or fear of the burn/scar that will remain.
Even if "too sensitive" does exist (I feel very strongly that it does not), being hurt by someone calling you vile names or yelling at you over extremely trivial things - those things can't be "too sensitive" in any sane person's definition.