Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I see this all the time on the board, abuse victims wondering whether they are "just too sensitive", thus negating the abuse they have suffered. I have responded a few times today but wanted to put something, just my own thoughts, in a separate thread (which will, of course, be a bit repetitive of what I've said elsewhere).
Firstly, I want to say that in my view, sensitivity is a virtue to be cherished, not a flaw to be exploited. Secondly, who gets to decide how much sensitivity is enough, how much is too much, how much is not enough? It doesn't make sense to me that anyone could be too much of a good thing.
That said, even if there is some kind of objective "sensitivity limit" beyond which we are deeply flawed individuals ... surely it is the responsibility of someone who loves and cherishes us to be, themselves, sensitive to our "flaw" and so avoid exploiting it. If I have a nut allergy, wouldn't I expect my loving partner to be very careful to avoid having nuts around? Would it really be my fault if I went into anaphylactic shock after he prepared a meal for me containing peanuts, knowing of my allergy? Just because someone else would have been fine after eating the meal doesn't make my (physical) reaction my fault.
The same goes for emotional sensitivity. If someone calls me stupid or ugly, or lays a guilt trip on me, or is in some other way hurtful, is it really my fault that I'm hurt by it? Especially if that someone is my partner who professes to love me and who knows that I am sensitive and easily hurt, and who knows that I have self esteem issues? No it is not. That loving partner should be trying to build my self esteem, should be reassuring me, should be working with me not against me.
Abusers use this line a lot, as one of the most common weapons in their armoury, to avoid taking any responsibility for their actions. They say or do something hurtful, then turn around and say we are "too sensitive" and that's why we are hurt by their hurtful words or actions. But it's rubbish. The cause of our hurt is their hurtful words or actions, not our sensitivity.
I'll say it again, because I believe it to be absolutely true. Sensitivity is a virtue to be cherished, not a flaw to be exploited.
Firstly, I want to say that in my view, sensitivity is a virtue to be cherished, not a flaw to be exploited. Secondly, who gets to decide how much sensitivity is enough, how much is too much, how much is not enough? It doesn't make sense to me that anyone could be too much of a good thing.
That said, even if there is some kind of objective "sensitivity limit" beyond which we are deeply flawed individuals ... surely it is the responsibility of someone who loves and cherishes us to be, themselves, sensitive to our "flaw" and so avoid exploiting it. If I have a nut allergy, wouldn't I expect my loving partner to be very careful to avoid having nuts around? Would it really be my fault if I went into anaphylactic shock after he prepared a meal for me containing peanuts, knowing of my allergy? Just because someone else would have been fine after eating the meal doesn't make my (physical) reaction my fault.
The same goes for emotional sensitivity. If someone calls me stupid or ugly, or lays a guilt trip on me, or is in some other way hurtful, is it really my fault that I'm hurt by it? Especially if that someone is my partner who professes to love me and who knows that I am sensitive and easily hurt, and who knows that I have self esteem issues? No it is not. That loving partner should be trying to build my self esteem, should be reassuring me, should be working with me not against me.
Abusers use this line a lot, as one of the most common weapons in their armoury, to avoid taking any responsibility for their actions. They say or do something hurtful, then turn around and say we are "too sensitive" and that's why we are hurt by their hurtful words or actions. But it's rubbish. The cause of our hurt is their hurtful words or actions, not our sensitivity.
I'll say it again, because I believe it to be absolutely true. Sensitivity is a virtue to be cherished, not a flaw to be exploited.
thinking it is my fault and feeling bad about how I am treating him, and being furiously angry about his 'I am going to tell you regardless of your feelings' attitude.
Thanks for validating the 'sensitive' me.
I think it is important to be assertive and to develop a healthy sense of self. but in relationships we all know that everyone has "some insecurities". I think it is important to understand and be "more semsitive" to those we love.
I would never in a million years played on my ex's insecurities. I really wish he could have done the same for me.
Sometimes, I make jokes or comments that inadvertently offend people. It's my slightly warped sense of humour and it is, as possum's H says, just who I am. But the difference is that, as soon as I realise I have offended someone, I immediately apologise - and I will then stay away from those kinds of jokes with that person. And if I already know that a particular person is sensitive about a particular topic or style of joke, then I'll try to avoid it around them.
And that's the point with abuse. They KNOW you will be offended and they do it anyway. And then blame you for being offended. But the fact that they know you will be offended before they say or do it means that it is entirely their fault.
It is NEVER EVER your fault that you are hurt by what someone else does. It IS their fault if they know or should suspect you will be hurt.
Thank you again.
I know exactly what you mean and how you feel. "John" liked to blurt out horrible, mean, and disgusting things when he was mad but I was always suppossed to get over it and forgive and not suppssed to be hurt. "You know I didn't mean it", "You know I love you", "i was mad". I have panic attack disorder and I take medication for it so one could say sometimes I am very sensitive, but "John" kept using that point to his advantage blaming everything on my panic disorder which was rediculous since I am one of the small percentage of "functional" PAD patients, meaning I engage in activities that most will not or cannot due to the disorder. I have worked very very hard on it and he just made me more and more depressed and made me hate myself for a long time feeling like it was all my fault and that he had excuses for being a pig, but you know what after reading this and searching my soul, I may not have been perfect but he was a pig and I had the right to be hurt and to still be hurt for the ugliness he brought into my life and all the ugly things he said and did. I don't have to let go, or accept it or get over it if I don't want to. I don't want to drown in it but I'll get over when I am darn well ready to. I know he used my disorder as an extra weapon to abuse me and try to make me thing everything is all my fault.
I think I am sensitive, more sensitive than I wish I was anymore, but appropriately sensitive given what Ive experienced.
The protective aspect of it,m after having been abused, can't be measured really.
I often think of it as having a tremendous amount of respect for that hot element on the stove after having been burnt.
I'd be a fool to be reckless in the kitchen, those oven mitts don't look quite so out-of-the-ordinary anymore.
Soon enough, I suspect my sensibilities will be less sensitive, but for now, I completely understand it.
Those red flags waving, the little sirens wailing, the canaries sounding the alarms, all ways in which *I provide myself* the protection I deserve.
Those kinds of "jokes" are something I've also had from my father my whole life, so I really did internalize the whole "too sensitive" thing as one of my many flaws. It wasn't until a man I was seeing complimented me on my sensitivity that I started to rethink it. And I now believe he was right. It IS a virtue! Even if it does mean I get hurt more often (though I'm learning to consider the source before taking everything to heart).
Yep, that's the key alright - finding someone that works with you and not against you. I will say that after I got away from my ex, I briefly dated several guys simply because I was in so much pain, and knew that the only way to heal was going through the woods and throwing myself into social situations no matter how depressed I was. I knew I was damaged though and not ready for any serious dating. The guys I dated were so much nicer than my ex ever was. It was as if I got brainwashed by my ex. Every single one of them offered words of support and were kind. I got really close to God though after our separation and have been trying to maintain that closeness, as I strongly feel that God will protect me from a man like my ex - most likely those types will run from me.
Abuse is about mind control. They leave you empty inside on purpose. It's a tactic to weaken you, which essentially helps to control you.
Doesn't this essentially sound like a relationship of bondage? A relationship of captivity.... It's definitely not love, and that is what hurts the most - to realize my ex never really loved me.
I've read some of the other posts on this board and yes, abuse can teach us that it is very important to seek people that are supportive and kind. Don't give the other ones power in our lives. I also believe in a higher power though and can't see how I could possibly continue to recover from all of this without the help of God.
Recovering from abuse is about making better memories, but also learning how to make those types of memories by learning boundaries. Very, very tough process but not impossible.