Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I see this all the time on the board, abuse victims wondering whether they are "just too sensitive", thus negating the abuse they have suffered. I have responded a few times today but wanted to put something, just my own thoughts, in a separate thread (which will, of course, be a bit repetitive of what I've said elsewhere).
Firstly, I want to say that in my view, sensitivity is a virtue to be cherished, not a flaw to be exploited. Secondly, who gets to decide how much sensitivity is enough, how much is too much, how much is not enough? It doesn't make sense to me that anyone could be too much of a good thing.
That said, even if there is some kind of objective "sensitivity limit" beyond which we are deeply flawed individuals ... surely it is the responsibility of someone who loves and cherishes us to be, themselves, sensitive to our "flaw" and so avoid exploiting it. If I have a nut allergy, wouldn't I expect my loving partner to be very careful to avoid having nuts around? Would it really be my fault if I went into anaphylactic shock after he prepared a meal for me containing peanuts, knowing of my allergy? Just because someone else would have been fine after eating the meal doesn't make my (physical) reaction my fault.
The same goes for emotional sensitivity. If someone calls me stupid or ugly, or lays a guilt trip on me, or is in some other way hurtful, is it really my fault that I'm hurt by it? Especially if that someone is my partner who professes to love me and who knows that I am sensitive and easily hurt, and who knows that I have self esteem issues? No it is not. That loving partner should be trying to build my self esteem, should be reassuring me, should be working with me not against me.
Abusers use this line a lot, as one of the most common weapons in their armoury, to avoid taking any responsibility for their actions. They say or do something hurtful, then turn around and say we are "too sensitive" and that's why we are hurt by their hurtful words or actions. But it's rubbish. The cause of our hurt is their hurtful words or actions, not our sensitivity.
I'll say it again, because I believe it to be absolutely true. Sensitivity is a virtue to be cherished, not a flaw to be exploited.
Firstly, I want to say that in my view, sensitivity is a virtue to be cherished, not a flaw to be exploited. Secondly, who gets to decide how much sensitivity is enough, how much is too much, how much is not enough? It doesn't make sense to me that anyone could be too much of a good thing.
That said, even if there is some kind of objective "sensitivity limit" beyond which we are deeply flawed individuals ... surely it is the responsibility of someone who loves and cherishes us to be, themselves, sensitive to our "flaw" and so avoid exploiting it. If I have a nut allergy, wouldn't I expect my loving partner to be very careful to avoid having nuts around? Would it really be my fault if I went into anaphylactic shock after he prepared a meal for me containing peanuts, knowing of my allergy? Just because someone else would have been fine after eating the meal doesn't make my (physical) reaction my fault.
The same goes for emotional sensitivity. If someone calls me stupid or ugly, or lays a guilt trip on me, or is in some other way hurtful, is it really my fault that I'm hurt by it? Especially if that someone is my partner who professes to love me and who knows that I am sensitive and easily hurt, and who knows that I have self esteem issues? No it is not. That loving partner should be trying to build my self esteem, should be reassuring me, should be working with me not against me.
Abusers use this line a lot, as one of the most common weapons in their armoury, to avoid taking any responsibility for their actions. They say or do something hurtful, then turn around and say we are "too sensitive" and that's why we are hurt by their hurtful words or actions. But it's rubbish. The cause of our hurt is their hurtful words or actions, not our sensitivity.
I'll say it again, because I believe it to be absolutely true. Sensitivity is a virtue to be cherished, not a flaw to be exploited.
Thank you. I hate asking for help-- but I do need your help... Thank you do much for being patient and supporting me!
Please help me gain strength and get courage!
You have lost all confidence because that's what abuse does. Think of it like this - if you broke your leg, you would lose all ability to walk. For a time, until it healed. And you would need help (medical at the least) for it to heal and for you to be able to walk again.
There is no weakness in asking for help (just another lie abusers tell us). In fact, it takes an incredible amount of strength to ask for help, particularly in situations like this one. That's why I say that every single person on this board is strong. Because at the very least, every single person here has faced the truth that they may be being abused and has reached out for help. Those two things take extraordinary strength and courage. So please don't beat yourself up for not immediately following those two steps with a whole life plan. One step at a time.
So nice of him to point out my flaws.
I often would wonder how/why he just can't get it. He simply does not understand his behaviors are hurtful and deteriorating our marriage.
Now I'm seeing, he's lacking sensitivity, for one.
Thank you for this post! Sensitivity IS a virtue!
Why am i thinking that I am too sensitive? In the almost 2 months that I have been out of my house and away from my husband, not one person has said any of the things that caused that feeling of "maybe I am too sensitive." No one hurt my feelings. No one said any of those awful things to me. NO one has yelled at me. No one has called me awful or unkind names. No one has been anything but kind, supportive, helpful. Even the people I see a store or walking in the part make an effort to smile if I say hello or open a door for them and often times they are even kinder in return.
Has my sensitivity changed in 2 months? I don't think so and I actually have evidence that I am more sensitive to other things (such as noise, activity, etc) because I am not rested or happy....
So the person who was telling me I was too sensitive, had no desire to allow me to be the person that other people have no qualms with me being.... it worked for him to tell me that.
I went through a "too sensitive" issue last night. I think its ridiculous to be considered too sensitive when we refuse to accept their rudeness.
You are so helpful to me in this between time while I'm planning. Thank you everyone!
With that said, I totally agree with Livin. Too sensitive is NOT a bad characteristic.
Sensitivity IS a virtue.
fresh for new members.
I love the end of Livn's
original post:
Sensitivity is a virtue to be cherished, not a flaw to be exploited.
great posts, I have been told repeatedly as and since a child that I was too sensitive. Ended up thinking there was something fundamentally wrong with 'me'. last relationship...same thing. pisses me off...I feel hurt and pain easily and that's a problem for... you!
sorry about getting peeved...too sensitive I guess.
thanks for the post
rick