Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Cut-and-Paste post from tooday's
Wolf's Daily Howl
Greetings Readers and Posters ----
I said Thursday I'd talk more about injury, over the weekend.
I'm going to shift sideways, slightly, and talk about Couples Counseling in the context of an intervention for an abusive relationship.
[1] Couples counseling are trained to start from the presumption of an even playing field, which of course, is not the case, in an abusive relationship.
[2] Few couples counselors are trained to recognize emotional abuse. Fewer counselors know how to intervene safely and effectively.
[3] A slick manipulator will con and control most therapists.
[4] When the target/victim in an abusive relationship brings a complaint, if the therapist misses the gravity and rolls over the complaint, the abuser gets much-coveted validation.
[5] If the therapist misses the point, the target/victim may be abused a second time, in the session, by either the abuser or the therapist.
[6] If the target/victim is admonished by the therapist, the abuser gets much-coveted validation BIG TIME.
[7] Whether or not the therapist has admonished the target/victim, the target/victim is likely to be abused again after the session, as punishment for bringing up the point or complain to the therapist in the session. This punishment can range from the silent treatment to rage to mortal threat.
[8] Knowledge is power. Inherent in the way therapy works in session, whatever the target/victim reveals within the session becomes a tool for the abuser to use against the target/victim later, at home. This can be any piece of information, small or significant.
[9] The abuser will pick up whatever issue the therapist focuses on that the target/victim may need to work on, as evidence that the target/victim is the problem. Later at home, this will be hammered upon endlessly, and will become the subsequent point of all sessions.
[10] The abuser will learn the terminology and buzz words of therapy. The abuser will then use them constantly to make his/her point and position against the target/abuser.
[11] If the therapist urges the abuser to go home and express his/her emotions more openly, the target/victim is likely to experience an increased torrent of abuse around the abusers complaints.
[12] The abuser is likely to latch onto a small issue brought up in therapy, change him/herself for the better, in relation to that small issue, and then point to that small change as evidence of good faith and more to come. The small change for the better was, in fact, an insincere token change.
[13] The abuser will forever-after point to his/her participation in couples therapy, even if just once, as proof that s/he cares about the relationship and has done what s/he could to save it. S/he may even say things like: I've been to therapy and I'm fixed.
These are my reservations about couples counseling as an intervention in the context of an abusive relationship. Have I left any out?
IW
(material copyrighted 2008 Healing Wolf Tracks)
Wolf's Daily Howl
Greetings Readers and Posters ----
I said Thursday I'd talk more about injury, over the weekend.
I'm going to shift sideways, slightly, and talk about Couples Counseling in the context of an intervention for an abusive relationship.
[1] Couples counseling are trained to start from the presumption of an even playing field, which of course, is not the case, in an abusive relationship.
[2] Few couples counselors are trained to recognize emotional abuse. Fewer counselors know how to intervene safely and effectively.
[3] A slick manipulator will con and control most therapists.
[4] When the target/victim in an abusive relationship brings a complaint, if the therapist misses the gravity and rolls over the complaint, the abuser gets much-coveted validation.
[5] If the therapist misses the point, the target/victim may be abused a second time, in the session, by either the abuser or the therapist.
[6] If the target/victim is admonished by the therapist, the abuser gets much-coveted validation BIG TIME.
[7] Whether or not the therapist has admonished the target/victim, the target/victim is likely to be abused again after the session, as punishment for bringing up the point or complain to the therapist in the session. This punishment can range from the silent treatment to rage to mortal threat.
[8] Knowledge is power. Inherent in the way therapy works in session, whatever the target/victim reveals within the session becomes a tool for the abuser to use against the target/victim later, at home. This can be any piece of information, small or significant.
[9] The abuser will pick up whatever issue the therapist focuses on that the target/victim may need to work on, as evidence that the target/victim is the problem. Later at home, this will be hammered upon endlessly, and will become the subsequent point of all sessions.
[10] The abuser will learn the terminology and buzz words of therapy. The abuser will then use them constantly to make his/her point and position against the target/abuser.
[11] If the therapist urges the abuser to go home and express his/her emotions more openly, the target/victim is likely to experience an increased torrent of abuse around the abusers complaints.
[12] The abuser is likely to latch onto a small issue brought up in therapy, change him/herself for the better, in relation to that small issue, and then point to that small change as evidence of good faith and more to come. The small change for the better was, in fact, an insincere token change.
[13] The abuser will forever-after point to his/her participation in couples therapy, even if just once, as proof that s/he cares about the relationship and has done what s/he could to save it. S/he may even say things like: I've been to therapy and I'm fixed.
These are my reservations about couples counseling as an intervention in the context of an abusive relationship. Have I left any out?
IW
(material copyrighted 2008 Healing Wolf Tracks)
And to think I almost went for counseling with him when I first moved out. Of course, he was way too fearful of it...that someone might find out what he's been up to....way too comfortable in his isolation, but I did try to get him to commit to it. Wow, so glad I didn't.....
And come to think of it, when we went for court-ordered co-parenting counseling, he had that dr. so schmoozed, it took about 2-3 months before he began to see the truth. But he finally did...
Again, thanks for this. It is such good information.
I kept questioning if I was doing the right thing since before I met him, and he really used that on me by telling me that it was only right that I be with him. He would occasionally throw it in that maybe it wasn't, but that was just to reinforce it in my head. Now that I have left, I have to work hard to keep from second guessing myself even though I am in a MUCH better situation now.
Now that I know him, I see thru the BS in that statement. First off, I think it was more likely, with him being a sex addict (fear of intimacy) that he wasn't having sex w/ her, but instead turning to the porn, strip clubs, and god knows what else. He probably conned the therapist w/ his innocent "I'm the victim here" bullshit and his poor ex got victimized again. I feel soooo terrible for this woman and I've never even met her. But I can't even imagine the trauma of putting up w/ that man and his severe sex addiction (and abuse) for SEVENTEEN years! I barely made it through 5 months!
My ex would change 1 thing for 1 freaking day and then revert back to his old self and tell me he had changed but it wasn't enough for me - that nothing was ever enough for me - that I was never satisfied. You know what? He was right. One day of being non abusive wasn't nearly enough.
He was so good at what he did that over the years he managed to convince 4 different counselors that he didn't have problems w/alcohol! During what turned out to be the last attempt at joint counseling, I asked him if he would refrain from drinking while we were in counseling. I did this in the presence of the counselor. He said he wouldn't because he would feel too guilty if he had a "slip." So I said there is no point in doing therapy with alcohol and looked at the counselor who said NOTHING. That's when I said "I'M DONE." and I walked out.
Boy, I could relate to what you wrote. Thanks for your reply. How're you doing now?
Emotional abusers seem able to con clinically trained practicioners as if the counselors/therapists (even PhD's) had gotten their certification from the Five and Ten.
My then-partner and I went to no less then THREE couples counselors. Each one was worse than the one before.
Since then, I haven't found anyone in an abusive relationship for whom couples counseling brought positive change. (I'm waiting to hear of anyone with a different outcome.) That's why I've come to the conclusion that any counseling done in the context of abuse, needs to be individual.
total waste of time
Counseling and various therapies, and also coaching, are all ways to find one's way through to a resolution. However, the counselor, therapist or coach must ---- like any professional ---- be a match for the situation under exploration. If s/he is not a good match, more harm than help, can be done. In the case of couples counseling for victims in an abusive relationship, it's virtually never a good idea.
Take care, all.
Ilene
In my own case I have several things going for me:
1. I am a man and physically stronger than my wife so physical abouse and the threat of it is not an option for my wife
2. I am currently in individual councelling for low self esteem and relationship issues
3. I have also joined a CoDA group
4. I already have a much better understanding of the relationship dynamicas and how my past history lead to me not standing up for myself in the relationship
5. In the last few months I have been able to stand up for myself on a variety of issues and while not being able to get her to admit to being wrong on occasion, at least I have refused to accept her put downs.
My true vunerability lies in my emotionally abusive childhood which made me a prime candidate for being a doormat but the worm (ie me) has turned and I refuse to be defined by my dysfunctional childhood anymore with therapy and group support I am finally overcoming my personal and relationship issues.
I am finally overcoming my personal and relationship issues.
Wonderful. YYYyyyyyyaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
Hoping all goes well and healthfully, for you.
Take care.
Ilene
In my case, I went to counseling alone for 3 months and really felt it was helpful to me, making progress. Then the counselor thought my husband should come in... and everything went to total crap! She cowtowed to him and bought his story (he is a salesman by trade, and very good at it) and suddenly I felt like she didn't believe me anymore. Soon I felt the two of them were piling on, putting all the focus on what was "wrong" with ME and how if I just changed it would be all better.
Total 180. I went from feeling heard and validated, to feeling alienated and blamed as soon as hubby came in.
So after 3 good months of therapy, I quit after 4 visits that included my husband. He quit too, of course.
I still feel betrayed ... but my husband feels validated, and that now there is "proof" that I'm the cause of the problem and a little nutso besides.
Insult to injury: I am still paying off the bill! I owe over $900 ... husband makes 10x what I do but won't help with this and says I have to work it off and he will "hire" me to do jobs for him.
When I asked the counselor to allow me time to make payments on the bill, she said that I have a serious problem letting people help me, and that if I don't get my husband to pay the bill then I will someday become a quadraplegic through an accident that forces me to learn how to ask others for help.
Needless to say, that is the last time I ever spoke to her, and yes, I am paying off the bill $50 at a time.