Liars Anonymous Community Group
A support group to provide those with a compulsive addiction to lie a place to share hope, strength and courage with others like them; solve our common problem and help others with a compulsion to lie. We aren't alone!
Hello everyone, my name is David and I am a compulsive liar.
Lying has become so engrained in me that I am able to quickly and easily make up lies like it's a natural reflex. Every since I was young, I have lied in one form or another, whether it was to be able to go out and play with my friends after school or saying I enjoyed things when I really didn't just to please the people around me. Fast forward 30 years and I'm still lying.
About six months ago, I met a woman, who in my eyes is, THE WOMAN. I am going to take a moment and quote Sherlock Homes and say, "In his eyes she eclipses and predominates the whole of her sex." To me, the woman that I met and started dating is the soul mate I have been searching for. I fell very deeply in love with her and I still feel the same this very moment. Slowly, but surely I came to lie to her in one way or another, like telling her I'd be at her house in 10 minutes when I just left my house, which is 20 minutes away or that I promised to do something for her, but I never did.
After she caught me lying, I promised I would fix it and stop lying to her. I would truly put forth my best effort and it would last days or weeks until the next time I lied. Each time our relationship became more strained and the wall between us became higher and higher. This last weekend, everything exploded when she found out the secret I had desperately kept from her.
Early in our relationship, my ex-girlfriend had contacted me and I told her I was seeing someone and that she should not contact me anymore. I was at lunch with my girlfriend when my ex called again. Instead of telling my girlfriend at first, I just said it's nobody, but finally told her later. I should have ignored my ex but instead I just contacted her to see what she wanted. She demanded to meet my girlfriend or she would raise all sorts of He** in an effort to find her. I got scared and panicked. At this point in our relationship I thought that it would be best to deal with the situation in secret then hide it. I contacted one of my close female friends and told her about the situation and she told me that I was being a complete jerk and that I need to tell my girlfriend. Realizing I would not get help from her or any of my other close female friends, I hired a someone on the internet to pretend to be my girlfriend. Yes, I really did stoop that low to keep myself from having to tell my girlfriend.
So at the moment, my girlfriend and I are on a break. I have finally been able to admit to her that I am a compulsive liar and that I cannot fight/fix this alone. Yesterday, we met with a psychologist who specializes in behaviors and I am working to understand my problem and find a support group (hence why I am here). Today, we met with a therapist, who is an LMFT (Licensed Marriage Family Therapist) and felt that this would help us work on our relationship. At this point she has absolute no trust in me and questions everything I say, whether it is the truth or not. I have also scheduled an appointment with a psychiatrist to look at my problem from a bio-chemical perspective. I don't know what we'll find but I am a bit nervous about it.
My girlfriend has been extremely supportive and understanding and has given me more chances than I deserve. Lying has destroyed our relationship and it's no one's fault but mine. I am a compulsive liar and I need help. Thank you to everyone here.
To be continued...
Lying has become so engrained in me that I am able to quickly and easily make up lies like it's a natural reflex. Every since I was young, I have lied in one form or another, whether it was to be able to go out and play with my friends after school or saying I enjoyed things when I really didn't just to please the people around me. Fast forward 30 years and I'm still lying.
About six months ago, I met a woman, who in my eyes is, THE WOMAN. I am going to take a moment and quote Sherlock Homes and say, "In his eyes she eclipses and predominates the whole of her sex." To me, the woman that I met and started dating is the soul mate I have been searching for. I fell very deeply in love with her and I still feel the same this very moment. Slowly, but surely I came to lie to her in one way or another, like telling her I'd be at her house in 10 minutes when I just left my house, which is 20 minutes away or that I promised to do something for her, but I never did.
After she caught me lying, I promised I would fix it and stop lying to her. I would truly put forth my best effort and it would last days or weeks until the next time I lied. Each time our relationship became more strained and the wall between us became higher and higher. This last weekend, everything exploded when she found out the secret I had desperately kept from her.
Early in our relationship, my ex-girlfriend had contacted me and I told her I was seeing someone and that she should not contact me anymore. I was at lunch with my girlfriend when my ex called again. Instead of telling my girlfriend at first, I just said it's nobody, but finally told her later. I should have ignored my ex but instead I just contacted her to see what she wanted. She demanded to meet my girlfriend or she would raise all sorts of He** in an effort to find her. I got scared and panicked. At this point in our relationship I thought that it would be best to deal with the situation in secret then hide it. I contacted one of my close female friends and told her about the situation and she told me that I was being a complete jerk and that I need to tell my girlfriend. Realizing I would not get help from her or any of my other close female friends, I hired a someone on the internet to pretend to be my girlfriend. Yes, I really did stoop that low to keep myself from having to tell my girlfriend.
So at the moment, my girlfriend and I are on a break. I have finally been able to admit to her that I am a compulsive liar and that I cannot fight/fix this alone. Yesterday, we met with a psychologist who specializes in behaviors and I am working to understand my problem and find a support group (hence why I am here). Today, we met with a therapist, who is an LMFT (Licensed Marriage Family Therapist) and felt that this would help us work on our relationship. At this point she has absolute no trust in me and questions everything I say, whether it is the truth or not. I have also scheduled an appointment with a psychiatrist to look at my problem from a bio-chemical perspective. I don't know what we'll find but I am a bit nervous about it.
My girlfriend has been extremely supportive and understanding and has given me more chances than I deserve. Lying has destroyed our relationship and it's no one's fault but mine. I am a compulsive liar and I need help. Thank you to everyone here.
To be continued...
i got a bit lazy yesterday which really disappointed my baby since i am supposed to be trying to change my mindset. i havne't lied in 14 days though. i will stay focused today. talk tomorrow.
I feel chaotic inside right now and will try meditating tonight to see if it helps quiet my mind. Let's see how that work since I have only mediated twice now and once I fell semi asleep. I will continue to read from the AA big book and share anything I come across.
slept in an extra hour this morning which feels great, a luxury i can't let myself take every morning since i skipped most of my morning routine, but i was just exhausted. i have officially been honest for two weeks! i feel great about that.
i have been doing well so far, and aim to remain focused. today is day 15 of being honest. good luck!
Today has been a good day. I was extremely tired today and did not make it to the AA meeting. I do feel a little weird that I didn't go today, like I feel my day is kind of incomplete. Work has been keeping me extremely busy and I have been trying to read the AA literature as much as I can. There are a lot of interesting things in the Big. Book and I highly recommend it. I am still taking things one day at a time and doing my best each day.
can you bring some of what you are reading from the Big Book to the forum here? your previous wisdoms were very helpful to me.
today is day 16 for me of being honest. it is starting to feel a bit more natural, but i am not letting down my guard. i need to stay vigilant on this, stay focused. i am proud of my consistency thus far and i want to make it to a month of honesty. good luck all.
I haven't had a chance to read the Big Book today, but I will tomorrow night. The stories that I heard from people in AA are very eye opening, but I am not allowed to share them here. Any analogies I can make, I'll post here.
Today has been a good day for me and I feel more in touch with things, though I have a hard time talking to her parents about our plans. I have not done anything like this before and I feel anxious, nervous, and scared. One step at a time.
we had a deep conversation last night in which i noted how incredible it was that, given both of our histories and tendencies, habits and mindsets, if anybody had been told a profile of everything that was going on between us in our relationship at the beginning, there was no chance anybody these days would have bet on us surviving. we were two unhealthy imperfect people -- she was too giving of herself, and i was too self absorbed. yet despite those odds we are rising to the challenge and facing our demons independently and together, and turning our weaknesses into strengths. its really beautiful and i feel hopeful for the future.
today is day 17 of being honest for me. i will stay focused today on telling the truth. good luck all
"Only by discussing ourselves, holding back nothing, only by being willing to take advice and accept direction could we set foot on the road to straight thinking, solid honesty, and genuine humility."
I would like to comment on this quote and say that by opening up to others, it has really helped me become more honest with myself and others. It's by sharing my feelings, thoughts, and fears that I feel like my character defects shouldn't be something I should be ashamed of and hide. A big reason why I lied was because I was ashamed of myself and who I was. By sharing with others, I don't feel so isolated and that feeling of needing to lie has diminished a great deal.
"In all these strivings, so many of them well-intentioned, our crippling handicap had been our lack of humility. "
For me, this goes back to thinking that I could change myself without anyone else's help and I failed in my attempts to do so. The reason behind that is my lack of humility, thinking that I am educated and I know what's best. It has been a long and slow road but this is something I am definitely striving towards. I feel like I have made a great deal of progress because now I am to ask from help, not with one person but as many people as I feel comfortable with.
"By their example they showed us that humility and intellect could be compatible, provided we placed humility first."
Going back to my previous response, I always thought that "I" knew best and that my intellect would help me resolve any problem. I am finally able to accept that I need/want humility (not the idea of it). I now place my humility above my intellect.
I too have struggled with humility due to feelings of inferiority. in my family nobody ever says "I don't know". I am making sure now that if I really truly don't know, then I will just say that and know that the world won't end and anybody who will look down on me for that doesn't deserve to get the best from me anyway. my honesty is my top priority going forward.
it has also always been ESPECIALLY hard for me to have someone tell me how to do something better. this is for a few reasons:
1.I have trouble putting myself aside fully and my ego flares up internally as though it is insulting to admit areas in which I am lacking and allow myself to learn from someone else. I have to make my inner flare up calm down.
2. I have trouble trusting that the other person actually does know what they are talking about, especially in an area that could be subjective. I need proof, and I don't take anyone's word in this scenario except in rare cases and even then it may not sink in fully to acceptance within me unless they are a verified expert. it took me forever to fully trust the one person on earth who truly has my back, my fiancee, because of this, and was the cause of another divide between us. i have grown a lot in this area, at least when it comes to trusting her.
today is day 21 for me. 3 weeks! yay. good luck all