Liars Anonymous Community Group
A support group to provide those with a compulsive addiction to lie a place to share hope, strength and courage with others like them; solve our common problem and help others with a compulsion to lie. We aren't alone!
Hello everyone, my name is David and I am a compulsive liar.
Lying has become so engrained in me that I am able to quickly and easily make up lies like it's a natural reflex. Every since I was young, I have lied in one form or another, whether it was to be able to go out and play with my friends after school or saying I enjoyed things when I really didn't just to please the people around me. Fast forward 30 years and I'm still lying.
About six months ago, I met a woman, who in my eyes is, THE WOMAN. I am going to take a moment and quote Sherlock Homes and say, "In his eyes she eclipses and predominates the whole of her sex." To me, the woman that I met and started dating is the soul mate I have been searching for. I fell very deeply in love with her and I still feel the same this very moment. Slowly, but surely I came to lie to her in one way or another, like telling her I'd be at her house in 10 minutes when I just left my house, which is 20 minutes away or that I promised to do something for her, but I never did.
After she caught me lying, I promised I would fix it and stop lying to her. I would truly put forth my best effort and it would last days or weeks until the next time I lied. Each time our relationship became more strained and the wall between us became higher and higher. This last weekend, everything exploded when she found out the secret I had desperately kept from her.
Early in our relationship, my ex-girlfriend had contacted me and I told her I was seeing someone and that she should not contact me anymore. I was at lunch with my girlfriend when my ex called again. Instead of telling my girlfriend at first, I just said it's nobody, but finally told her later. I should have ignored my ex but instead I just contacted her to see what she wanted. She demanded to meet my girlfriend or she would raise all sorts of He** in an effort to find her. I got scared and panicked. At this point in our relationship I thought that it would be best to deal with the situation in secret then hide it. I contacted one of my close female friends and told her about the situation and she told me that I was being a complete jerk and that I need to tell my girlfriend. Realizing I would not get help from her or any of my other close female friends, I hired a someone on the internet to pretend to be my girlfriend. Yes, I really did stoop that low to keep myself from having to tell my girlfriend.
So at the moment, my girlfriend and I are on a break. I have finally been able to admit to her that I am a compulsive liar and that I cannot fight/fix this alone. Yesterday, we met with a psychologist who specializes in behaviors and I am working to understand my problem and find a support group (hence why I am here). Today, we met with a therapist, who is an LMFT (Licensed Marriage Family Therapist) and felt that this would help us work on our relationship. At this point she has absolute no trust in me and questions everything I say, whether it is the truth or not. I have also scheduled an appointment with a psychiatrist to look at my problem from a bio-chemical perspective. I don't know what we'll find but I am a bit nervous about it.
My girlfriend has been extremely supportive and understanding and has given me more chances than I deserve. Lying has destroyed our relationship and it's no one's fault but mine. I am a compulsive liar and I need help. Thank you to everyone here.
To be continued...
Lying has become so engrained in me that I am able to quickly and easily make up lies like it's a natural reflex. Every since I was young, I have lied in one form or another, whether it was to be able to go out and play with my friends after school or saying I enjoyed things when I really didn't just to please the people around me. Fast forward 30 years and I'm still lying.
About six months ago, I met a woman, who in my eyes is, THE WOMAN. I am going to take a moment and quote Sherlock Homes and say, "In his eyes she eclipses and predominates the whole of her sex." To me, the woman that I met and started dating is the soul mate I have been searching for. I fell very deeply in love with her and I still feel the same this very moment. Slowly, but surely I came to lie to her in one way or another, like telling her I'd be at her house in 10 minutes when I just left my house, which is 20 minutes away or that I promised to do something for her, but I never did.
After she caught me lying, I promised I would fix it and stop lying to her. I would truly put forth my best effort and it would last days or weeks until the next time I lied. Each time our relationship became more strained and the wall between us became higher and higher. This last weekend, everything exploded when she found out the secret I had desperately kept from her.
Early in our relationship, my ex-girlfriend had contacted me and I told her I was seeing someone and that she should not contact me anymore. I was at lunch with my girlfriend when my ex called again. Instead of telling my girlfriend at first, I just said it's nobody, but finally told her later. I should have ignored my ex but instead I just contacted her to see what she wanted. She demanded to meet my girlfriend or she would raise all sorts of He** in an effort to find her. I got scared and panicked. At this point in our relationship I thought that it would be best to deal with the situation in secret then hide it. I contacted one of my close female friends and told her about the situation and she told me that I was being a complete jerk and that I need to tell my girlfriend. Realizing I would not get help from her or any of my other close female friends, I hired a someone on the internet to pretend to be my girlfriend. Yes, I really did stoop that low to keep myself from having to tell my girlfriend.
So at the moment, my girlfriend and I are on a break. I have finally been able to admit to her that I am a compulsive liar and that I cannot fight/fix this alone. Yesterday, we met with a psychologist who specializes in behaviors and I am working to understand my problem and find a support group (hence why I am here). Today, we met with a therapist, who is an LMFT (Licensed Marriage Family Therapist) and felt that this would help us work on our relationship. At this point she has absolute no trust in me and questions everything I say, whether it is the truth or not. I have also scheduled an appointment with a psychiatrist to look at my problem from a bio-chemical perspective. I don't know what we'll find but I am a bit nervous about it.
My girlfriend has been extremely supportive and understanding and has given me more chances than I deserve. Lying has destroyed our relationship and it's no one's fault but mine. I am a compulsive liar and I need help. Thank you to everyone here.
To be continued...
Daring Greatly: Starting This Tomorrow.
Thrive: In The Queue
The Alchemist: Waiting To Be Shipped
Aside from that, the day has been an emotional roller-coaster, same as the past few days. Going write in my journal, make my gratitude list, then off to start reading "Daring Greatly."
Thank you everyone for your support. Couldn't get past this without your support.
I am going to start working on developing empathy because it is underdeveloped in me.
One step at a time.
My sponsor suggested I take the summary sheet of my character defects and create a column with the reverse trait. I track my performance everyday and do not stop making my moral inventory.
I was at Sprouts today picking up veggies/fruits to juice and when I checked out, I noticed the cashier only rang me up for 2 celery stalks instead of 3. I would have just kept quiet before but I spoke up and told the cashier that she only charged me for 2 stalks. I know it does not seem like alot, but I feel that I am making progress.
I also had lunch with my best friend today and I was telling him what I am going through. No lies, exaggerations, or omissions. I feel good.
"Trust is a product of vulnerability that grows over time and requires work, attention, and full engagement. Trust isn't a grand gesture -- it's a growing marble collection."
That quote speaks volumes. Reflecting on my relationship with my ex, I disengaged towards the end because of the problems we were having and was never able to gain her trust. This gives me more insight on how relationships should be built.
Much learning to do. I hope everyone is doing well.
"Until we can receive with an open heart, we are never really giving with an open heart....I'm with you in the arena. And when we fail, we'll fail together, while daring greatly.'
Family: It's H*LL in a hand basket. I am at the point where I am no long speaking with family (it's been like that for a while). It's a shame based environment that forces everyone to conform in one way or another to perceived values of the family. I am not longer willing to play ball. I refuse to wear masks and pretend I am someone I'm not. Is that selfish?
Friends: I talk with two friends on an almost daily basis (male friend everyday, female friend every other day). I trust them explicitly and have shared my story with them, all the good and bad. They've been there to support me through this time in my life. I am very thankful to have them in my life. If this was 6 months ago, I would never have opened up to friends like this. I've been fortunate to have them in my life. They've been through their fair share, even more so in ways and they understand. I have also try to be there for them and develop my empathy.
Work: I have a very steep mountain to climb in terms of the things I need to learn. I've been working on courage and self-worth, but at this point, I am afraid to take that first step uphill. When I am at work, I and I feel anxious, stressed, sad, or scared, I look to a quote my ex-girlfriend wrote for me, "The climb may be very steep, but the view from the top is beautiful" (not exact but close). I don't know what is holding me back at the moment.
Therapy: I started seeing a new therapist, who focuses on shame-resilience. I have learned from my short time with her. I learned about my shame shields and how I react when people shame me. I am learning about how my family dynamic has shaped a part of me (lying, low self-worth). I am learning self-worth, setting boundaries, empathy, compassion, and courage. She mentioned that I should not beat myself up and believe my past behavior is based upon something fundamentally wrong with me, rather I did not learn a skill growing up or chose to ignore that skill (I.E. empathy).
Self-Help: I have taken the past two days off to mellow out from stress at work. I am currently reading "Daring Greatly" and "Empathy, Why It Matters & How To Get It". Listening to self-help audio files. Thinking positive.
Health: I got worried yesterday. I had some chest pain yesterday and today. I need schedule an appointment with my primary care physician (after I pick one). Most likely stress related?
Love Life: HA! Not dating or even remotely interested in anyone. I am still in love with my ex-girlfriend. A friend said that I can always find someone else. Yes, that is true, but she's the one. I have said that before in the past about an ex and that she was the love of my life. In hindsight, I didn't know what love was and what I felt for that particular ex wasn't love, though I thought it was. The thing is, my ex-girlfriend redefined my life and made me see that I needed to change (for the better). No one, not friends or family has been able to do that for 20+ years. I cannot express enough how much in love I am with her. Yes I lied to her and committed the greatest betrayal - disconnecting. The time that we spent apart gave me time to grow and understand myself. If I had another chance with her, I wouldn't say things like "I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you." I Would say "I will spend the rest of my life working on us and making sure we are connected and happy." It's been a little more than a month, but my understanding and perspective has changed 180 degrees.
"Only when we're brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light."
" We all have shame. We all have good and bad, dark and light, inside of us. But if we don't come to terms with our shame, our struggles, we start believing that there's something wrong with us-that we're bad, flawed, not good enough-and even worse,we start acting on those beliefs. If we want to be fully engaged, to be connected, we have to be vulnerable. In order to be vulnerable, we need to develop resilience to shame."
This is very true for me.
I still wish my ex-girlfriend was by my side so we can share in this together.
I am very thankful I have a chance to right the wrongs I caused.
I listed to this part a few times from Joe & Charlie's AA workshop on making amends. I made a list with 4 columns. One column is for the people I feel like I can make amends to now, the next is later, then maybe, and last never. As I finish up the Nows, making amends with the Laters becomes easier, and eventually I'll go through and finish the Maybes and Nevers. One step at time.
While I was laying in the emergency room, I prayed. First to Buddha, then God, then my father. In all three instances I asked for one chance with my-ex girlfriend. A few minutes later I hear on the PA system, Paging Nurse XXXXX (my girlfriend's English name). It's interesting because my ex-girlfriend is also a nurse. I wonder if it's a sign or I am desperately looking for a connection to hold onto hope.
The last 24 hours I felt lost, lonely, grief-stricken, joy, sadness, regret, pain, and a little bit of hope. I don't know what to make of it.