Liars Anonymous Community Group
A support group to provide those with a compulsive addiction to lie a place to share hope, strength and courage with others like them; solve our common problem and help others with a compulsion to lie. We aren't alone!
Hello everyone, my name is David and I am a compulsive liar.
Lying has become so engrained in me that I am able to quickly and easily make up lies like it's a natural reflex. Every since I was young, I have lied in one form or another, whether it was to be able to go out and play with my friends after school or saying I enjoyed things when I really didn't just to please the people around me. Fast forward 30 years and I'm still lying.
About six months ago, I met a woman, who in my eyes is, THE WOMAN. I am going to take a moment and quote Sherlock Homes and say, "In his eyes she eclipses and predominates the whole of her sex." To me, the woman that I met and started dating is the soul mate I have been searching for. I fell very deeply in love with her and I still feel the same this very moment. Slowly, but surely I came to lie to her in one way or another, like telling her I'd be at her house in 10 minutes when I just left my house, which is 20 minutes away or that I promised to do something for her, but I never did.
After she caught me lying, I promised I would fix it and stop lying to her. I would truly put forth my best effort and it would last days or weeks until the next time I lied. Each time our relationship became more strained and the wall between us became higher and higher. This last weekend, everything exploded when she found out the secret I had desperately kept from her.
Early in our relationship, my ex-girlfriend had contacted me and I told her I was seeing someone and that she should not contact me anymore. I was at lunch with my girlfriend when my ex called again. Instead of telling my girlfriend at first, I just said it's nobody, but finally told her later. I should have ignored my ex but instead I just contacted her to see what she wanted. She demanded to meet my girlfriend or she would raise all sorts of He** in an effort to find her. I got scared and panicked. At this point in our relationship I thought that it would be best to deal with the situation in secret then hide it. I contacted one of my close female friends and told her about the situation and she told me that I was being a complete jerk and that I need to tell my girlfriend. Realizing I would not get help from her or any of my other close female friends, I hired a someone on the internet to pretend to be my girlfriend. Yes, I really did stoop that low to keep myself from having to tell my girlfriend.
So at the moment, my girlfriend and I are on a break. I have finally been able to admit to her that I am a compulsive liar and that I cannot fight/fix this alone. Yesterday, we met with a psychologist who specializes in behaviors and I am working to understand my problem and find a support group (hence why I am here). Today, we met with a therapist, who is an LMFT (Licensed Marriage Family Therapist) and felt that this would help us work on our relationship. At this point she has absolute no trust in me and questions everything I say, whether it is the truth or not. I have also scheduled an appointment with a psychiatrist to look at my problem from a bio-chemical perspective. I don't know what we'll find but I am a bit nervous about it.
My girlfriend has been extremely supportive and understanding and has given me more chances than I deserve. Lying has destroyed our relationship and it's no one's fault but mine. I am a compulsive liar and I need help. Thank you to everyone here.
To be continued...
Lying has become so engrained in me that I am able to quickly and easily make up lies like it's a natural reflex. Every since I was young, I have lied in one form or another, whether it was to be able to go out and play with my friends after school or saying I enjoyed things when I really didn't just to please the people around me. Fast forward 30 years and I'm still lying.
About six months ago, I met a woman, who in my eyes is, THE WOMAN. I am going to take a moment and quote Sherlock Homes and say, "In his eyes she eclipses and predominates the whole of her sex." To me, the woman that I met and started dating is the soul mate I have been searching for. I fell very deeply in love with her and I still feel the same this very moment. Slowly, but surely I came to lie to her in one way or another, like telling her I'd be at her house in 10 minutes when I just left my house, which is 20 minutes away or that I promised to do something for her, but I never did.
After she caught me lying, I promised I would fix it and stop lying to her. I would truly put forth my best effort and it would last days or weeks until the next time I lied. Each time our relationship became more strained and the wall between us became higher and higher. This last weekend, everything exploded when she found out the secret I had desperately kept from her.
Early in our relationship, my ex-girlfriend had contacted me and I told her I was seeing someone and that she should not contact me anymore. I was at lunch with my girlfriend when my ex called again. Instead of telling my girlfriend at first, I just said it's nobody, but finally told her later. I should have ignored my ex but instead I just contacted her to see what she wanted. She demanded to meet my girlfriend or she would raise all sorts of He** in an effort to find her. I got scared and panicked. At this point in our relationship I thought that it would be best to deal with the situation in secret then hide it. I contacted one of my close female friends and told her about the situation and she told me that I was being a complete jerk and that I need to tell my girlfriend. Realizing I would not get help from her or any of my other close female friends, I hired a someone on the internet to pretend to be my girlfriend. Yes, I really did stoop that low to keep myself from having to tell my girlfriend.
So at the moment, my girlfriend and I are on a break. I have finally been able to admit to her that I am a compulsive liar and that I cannot fight/fix this alone. Yesterday, we met with a psychologist who specializes in behaviors and I am working to understand my problem and find a support group (hence why I am here). Today, we met with a therapist, who is an LMFT (Licensed Marriage Family Therapist) and felt that this would help us work on our relationship. At this point she has absolute no trust in me and questions everything I say, whether it is the truth or not. I have also scheduled an appointment with a psychiatrist to look at my problem from a bio-chemical perspective. I don't know what we'll find but I am a bit nervous about it.
My girlfriend has been extremely supportive and understanding and has given me more chances than I deserve. Lying has destroyed our relationship and it's no one's fault but mine. I am a compulsive liar and I need help. Thank you to everyone here.
To be continued...
My ex-girlfriend would often tell me that often times I would say things to her or others for sympathy. That's true, when I am in certain situations, I want people to feel bad for me and bad for my situation. I want them to sympathize with me and hold my hand and make me feel better/loved.
What I learned about more about myself over the past few weeks is this.
1. I am a coward. I don't like confrontation and I bend easily. I give in to other opinions because I don't want conflict.
2. I am selfish, though I don't think I am all the time, probably 60/40. I worry and take of others before myself genuinely most of the time. Some times I do things for others and I have to force myself a bit. But I get selfish as well and I think about myself over others.
3. I can't get my fire back. I feel like I am going through the motions most of the day, I feel lonely when I am by myself, and I'm missing my spark.
4. I don't know what makes me happy anymore, I don't know who I am, and I don't know what I want. At times I know what I want (career).
I have many, many flaws and they way that I approached it before was to keep pushing ahead ant full steam to fix/change myself, which leads to burn out. There are alot of bad things that are ingrained in me that will take time to get out. What I realized is though I can't fix myself in a short time span, I know that there is slow improvement and one day I will be ok.
As I finish typing this, I think to what my girlfriend said text me the last time she did, she said "whatever you say is bullshit and I don't believe you." Moving forward what I write, I don't want myself to think that it is bullshit. Before this, and most likely a large part of me now doesn't want others to think it's bullshit because I care alot of what others think of me. I like approval. I want to change that, hopefully this time will be the one that sticks for the rest of my life.
Sorry for the horrible post it's late and Im tired. But I'm glad to be here and be with people who know what I'm going through. First time post from a long time liar
good to see you again, sorry to hear about the circumstances. my heart truly goes out to you, can imagine what you are going through right now. how long ago did your girlfriend leave?
i feel that you're right in the thick of the post-breakup depression right now. while your relationship's fate was probably sealed a long time ago, the death blow just struck. but you have made progress since then! you have made progress and grown a lot, probably in more ways than i know. but the damage was done and the relationship couldn't be saved. again im sorry to hear that. but you are not what you say you are. you are more than that because how you describe yourself is how you WERE. today is a new day and the rest of your life and what you write isn't bullshit anymore. it's understandable that your ex thought it was, and that is sad, but you gotta stay moving, don't slump man, self-pity will only make the situation worse (and this is coming from someone whose default setting is self-pity as well).
so i recommend you wake up and look at what you have going for you and start to put the pieces back together. you WERE a coward, but you know better now. you WERE selfish, and you know better now. It will take some time to build the habits that create the new YOU but you will get there and youll find your happiness i know it. this situation has finally helped you to find the humility that you wanted to place above your intellect, so treat it as a harsh but much needed lesson, say thank you, and proceed with life! sorry if this was too preachy but i want you to excel!
hi and welcome, thanks for joining us and sharing a bit of your story. youre on the right path! and yea positivity is the secret i believe! its good that you want to drop the lying habit and youre following through. i hope you can make it to 100% it is very freeing!
We broke up this weekend. We got into a disagreement and I lost patience with her. I overreacted and by then it was too late for apologies. She wanted me to leave and I left. I had texted her and asked her to talk but I couldn't find the words to express to her. I told her how I felt about her the next day but I think by then it was too late. The fault really lies with me and I don't hate or hold any resentment towards her. I screwed up really bad. I hurt someone I truly care about because I am an idiot and I am selfish. It makes me really sad inside.
I know that even as I write this, there's are doubts inside my head whether it's just words or do I really mean it. My ex would always tell me that all the words I say are lies and that I don't mean any of it. I want to believe that my words are genuine and not B/S.
To be honest a part of me really did not want to post on here again. I don't want it to be where it feels like a crutch, but I know I need a little support too. The last thing I want to do is go crying to people and asking for pity.
With that said, I thank you Alex for your kind words. It truly, truly means something to me. Thank you, thank you.
if you want her back, it might not be too late to make a gigantic gesture towards her...actions dont lie.
Welcome back. I've read this thread in it's entirety, and the conversations between yourself and Alex helped me get to the point where I've now gone 35 days without lying.
I have to echo Alex's comments above, it's never too late. Your Girlfriend might be just awaiting to see you be more transparent, show her this site, show her you care, that you want to change yourself.
Alex - once again, you say the right things when I need to hear them the most, thank you. I am not sure how to show my ex-gf - I know that she thinks everything I say is a lie and I know only my actions can show her. I hope it's not too late, but I know I need to get better before anything can start again.
Pantsareonfire - Hello =) Thank, I feel a bit more at ease with myself after coming back and it's because of the support I receive from everyone. Thank you, truly. She knows about the site and how I posted before. I do not know if she's looking at this now or not. One of the last things I texted her was that I am going to work on myself and I hope that one day we can reconcile. I am going to work hard on myself and I am going to prove to myself that I can change and I can become a better person. I started praying again before I sleep, for the courage to truly change and for hope that we can reconcile and work out.
Once again, thank you everyone for your support, it really does mean alot to me.
romantic gestures are crucial when you dont have trust...good luck with that, its something im working at as well! if i can be of help let me know :)
David, I'm sorry, too, that things haven't worked out (so far) with your gf. It'll take some time, I'm sure, for her, but also for you. I think I know how you feel. You see how you're hurting others, they tell you how awful you are, though really you know you aren't that awful. For me, there's also having all the focus on me and what I'm doing wrong and then being told I'm selfish and self-centered. And I think: Shoot, if I wasn't the one causing all the problems, I wouldn't have to be all about me all the time, would I? Does that make sense? Anywa, so then I get wrapped up in all this self-help and self-improvement, and at the same time am supposed to be thinking about others and not myself...it's crazymaking. I don't think its wrong, I just can't put those together sometimes.
I don't know if I've stopped lying. I think I have. I'll have to watch and see. Might be good for me to be doing more mental inventorying anyway. It's really really hard, but the other option is worse, right?
I, too, am struggling to remember what makes me happy, what I'm doing with my life, what my goals are. Insecurity doesn't help! It's really nice that you all have shared so much of your story--I am learning a lot from you all.
Sorry this is so rambly...I do have a question: have any of you had times where you have done lots of reflection, and you know why you lied, and it has tons to do with your significant other and things they did? How do you not feel resentful, or as if you're not fully to blame? How do you stop the "I wouldn't have had to lie if you hadn't..." thinking?
I agree none of us are awful people. We're just people that some tie in the past have had situations whether it be from abuse, neglect, loneliness, etc that has caused us to be insecure in certain areas in which we are not our authentic self. Our whole self is made up of false selves.
So for me, the way to get around focusing on myself all the time is to try and realise that I need to find directions that make me happy, speak my mind, still be courteous, and considerate, but to not be afraid. I don't think about the self help all the time, I just try and make sure that I be assertive, think about what I say, and also considerate of others. I don't think I'm over this yet, I still feel the need to appease others, especially my wife at times, but that will improve. I don't do it in a way to lie though. If she says to me "you don't have to do that", I will say, no you're right, but I'll do it because I love her, or ok you do it then. Before, I'd say yes, and that would be it, even if I was annoyed about doing the chore, etc.
How do you stop the "I wouldn't have had to lie if you hadn't"? That's a question I have to face. My wife due to me and her upbringing can be quite sensitive, and get upset quite easily, so she struggles to listen to reason, and will get overwhelmed with something that goes wrong quite easily. So I use to lie to avoid that, but I have to learn to deal with it, not avoid it.
Your subconscious reacts without you even thinking, you need to practice to use your conscious mind to adapt to change. I really recommend you read the following 3 part blog on adapting your brain to change.
http://blogs.psychcentral.com/relationships/2011/08/three-ways-your-brain-adapts-to-change-1-of-3/
Remember there is 3 parts to read. Well worth reading.
I agree with Pantsareonfire. The past couple of months, I focused and focused on getting better as fast as I could and it burned me out (became inconsistent). The approach that I am taking now is that instead of trying to rush through every single self help book as fast as I can, I make sure to keep myself accountable to reading at least one chapter a day. I need to adjust the way I act and think, to build a routine where I am consistent. Another thing I am working on is not being afraid to speak my mind or be assertive. Small steps will help teach us to climb mountains.
Today has been a busy day at work. When I got home, I made dinner (stir fried beef and salad) and watch an episode of The Untold History of America. I found that I was dragging my feet on some of the things that I need to do but read the next chapter of my book, build a template for AA Step 4, and will read more from my Buddhist book after I shower momentarily.
Self discipline is so far, so good. I've been keeping to my health regiment, reading at night (though I missed last night because I was helping my cousin with math and I was too tired so I slept early), reflecting, keeping my pride/lying/exaggerating/omissions in check, and am working on speaking without filters (sugarcoating/omission).
D = deliberate in our thoughts and behaviors through prayer, meditation, or simply setting our intentions
I = Inspired to make new and different choices
G = Going: Take action
Going to make a new choice this weekend with a different haircut, we'll see how it turns out =)