Liars Anonymous Community Group
A support group to provide those with a compulsive addiction to lie a place to share hope, strength and courage with others like them; solve our common problem and help others with a compulsion to lie. We aren't alone!
Hello everyone, my name is David and I am a compulsive liar.
Lying has become so engrained in me that I am able to quickly and easily make up lies like it's a natural reflex. Every since I was young, I have lied in one form or another, whether it was to be able to go out and play with my friends after school or saying I enjoyed things when I really didn't just to please the people around me. Fast forward 30 years and I'm still lying.
About six months ago, I met a woman, who in my eyes is, THE WOMAN. I am going to take a moment and quote Sherlock Homes and say, "In his eyes she eclipses and predominates the whole of her sex." To me, the woman that I met and started dating is the soul mate I have been searching for. I fell very deeply in love with her and I still feel the same this very moment. Slowly, but surely I came to lie to her in one way or another, like telling her I'd be at her house in 10 minutes when I just left my house, which is 20 minutes away or that I promised to do something for her, but I never did.
After she caught me lying, I promised I would fix it and stop lying to her. I would truly put forth my best effort and it would last days or weeks until the next time I lied. Each time our relationship became more strained and the wall between us became higher and higher. This last weekend, everything exploded when she found out the secret I had desperately kept from her.
Early in our relationship, my ex-girlfriend had contacted me and I told her I was seeing someone and that she should not contact me anymore. I was at lunch with my girlfriend when my ex called again. Instead of telling my girlfriend at first, I just said it's nobody, but finally told her later. I should have ignored my ex but instead I just contacted her to see what she wanted. She demanded to meet my girlfriend or she would raise all sorts of He** in an effort to find her. I got scared and panicked. At this point in our relationship I thought that it would be best to deal with the situation in secret then hide it. I contacted one of my close female friends and told her about the situation and she told me that I was being a complete jerk and that I need to tell my girlfriend. Realizing I would not get help from her or any of my other close female friends, I hired a someone on the internet to pretend to be my girlfriend. Yes, I really did stoop that low to keep myself from having to tell my girlfriend.
So at the moment, my girlfriend and I are on a break. I have finally been able to admit to her that I am a compulsive liar and that I cannot fight/fix this alone. Yesterday, we met with a psychologist who specializes in behaviors and I am working to understand my problem and find a support group (hence why I am here). Today, we met with a therapist, who is an LMFT (Licensed Marriage Family Therapist) and felt that this would help us work on our relationship. At this point she has absolute no trust in me and questions everything I say, whether it is the truth or not. I have also scheduled an appointment with a psychiatrist to look at my problem from a bio-chemical perspective. I don't know what we'll find but I am a bit nervous about it.
My girlfriend has been extremely supportive and understanding and has given me more chances than I deserve. Lying has destroyed our relationship and it's no one's fault but mine. I am a compulsive liar and I need help. Thank you to everyone here.
To be continued...
Lying has become so engrained in me that I am able to quickly and easily make up lies like it's a natural reflex. Every since I was young, I have lied in one form or another, whether it was to be able to go out and play with my friends after school or saying I enjoyed things when I really didn't just to please the people around me. Fast forward 30 years and I'm still lying.
About six months ago, I met a woman, who in my eyes is, THE WOMAN. I am going to take a moment and quote Sherlock Homes and say, "In his eyes she eclipses and predominates the whole of her sex." To me, the woman that I met and started dating is the soul mate I have been searching for. I fell very deeply in love with her and I still feel the same this very moment. Slowly, but surely I came to lie to her in one way or another, like telling her I'd be at her house in 10 minutes when I just left my house, which is 20 minutes away or that I promised to do something for her, but I never did.
After she caught me lying, I promised I would fix it and stop lying to her. I would truly put forth my best effort and it would last days or weeks until the next time I lied. Each time our relationship became more strained and the wall between us became higher and higher. This last weekend, everything exploded when she found out the secret I had desperately kept from her.
Early in our relationship, my ex-girlfriend had contacted me and I told her I was seeing someone and that she should not contact me anymore. I was at lunch with my girlfriend when my ex called again. Instead of telling my girlfriend at first, I just said it's nobody, but finally told her later. I should have ignored my ex but instead I just contacted her to see what she wanted. She demanded to meet my girlfriend or she would raise all sorts of He** in an effort to find her. I got scared and panicked. At this point in our relationship I thought that it would be best to deal with the situation in secret then hide it. I contacted one of my close female friends and told her about the situation and she told me that I was being a complete jerk and that I need to tell my girlfriend. Realizing I would not get help from her or any of my other close female friends, I hired a someone on the internet to pretend to be my girlfriend. Yes, I really did stoop that low to keep myself from having to tell my girlfriend.
So at the moment, my girlfriend and I are on a break. I have finally been able to admit to her that I am a compulsive liar and that I cannot fight/fix this alone. Yesterday, we met with a psychologist who specializes in behaviors and I am working to understand my problem and find a support group (hence why I am here). Today, we met with a therapist, who is an LMFT (Licensed Marriage Family Therapist) and felt that this would help us work on our relationship. At this point she has absolute no trust in me and questions everything I say, whether it is the truth or not. I have also scheduled an appointment with a psychiatrist to look at my problem from a bio-chemical perspective. I don't know what we'll find but I am a bit nervous about it.
My girlfriend has been extremely supportive and understanding and has given me more chances than I deserve. Lying has destroyed our relationship and it's no one's fault but mine. I am a compulsive liar and I need help. Thank you to everyone here.
To be continued...
Im new here and am very happy to see people with the same issues that I have. I always thought I was not a liar, never lied, or was very new to lying, and that it was from stressful situations, etc... Turns out lying takes all forms, right? Saying things to make yourself look good, or to supposedly not hurt someone. Well, my biggest lies were all financial, and my wife and I are now in serious debt, not able to get more than the basics. We are really struggling, and she has no trust in me at all. The second biggest lie is about follow through. There are many things she's asked for, and I've said yes, I'll do it, and then eight months later, it's still not done. Little things--can you re-hook up,the printer? Yes yes. Four months later, I finally get to it, it takes me five minutes, but she's been four months without a printer (she works from home, I have a printer at work).
There are more issues than just lying, but it's big and it's so hard to regain trust. I hardly even see the ways in which I'm not fully up front now. And still, I think I have choices and a say in what goes on. Is that arrogance? Avoidance? Narcissism? What's wrong with me that I can't do basic follow through and transparency?
Thanks for listening.
my whole response just got erased so this one will be briefer. but basically i was saying that i struggle with those questions too -- why am i like this and why is it so hard to get it together? she asks me when will i get this together and stop hurting her? and i have no answers anymore...i thought i knew once but everytime i say i will have it together in a month, or i understand it and i wont do it anymore, it is a promise that i end up breaking..so i cant say anything...and that hurts her too...
its gotten to the point where i dont even know how to make it up to her anymore and show her that i really do care. i cant get her flowers, for example, because i have gotten her flowers so many times due to my messups that they have become meaningless. cant cook her dinner...stuff like that. but we are going through a tough time financially and thats also a strain on this issue, i cant just go get her jewelry either. so i have to be creative but its so hard to come up with stuff that is meaningful to her anymore. plus i have school and a full time job so i have little time as is. i dont wanna sound like i am making excuses because i will do what it takes to prove to her that she is my dream come true but it is certainly hard.
I too can relate to what you said, however I think one thing that needs to mentioned hasn't. The other party in these situations has to also come to the party as well. A relationship goes two ways. Whilst we have to try and regain trust, by not lying, deceiving, etc, the other party also has to come to the party in the case of knowing that you are not going to "perfect" as in your case forgetting to let your fiance know re the detour.
In your case, you had evidence I presume re the detour. Whilst your fiance wants you to be transparent, she needs to understand that you will do things like this. IMO, you are transparent, you have evidence.
I have situations where I work from home, so I need to use my computer, so my wife will ask me why what I did on the computer, did I get up to anything I shouldn't have? (I use to be addicted to fantasy sports). I say no, and I haven't, but she still asks, and in the end she has to "learn" to trust me.
The key from the above, is that there are some times in life where you have no option but to trust... Also, my wife through my other actions, whether I am taking as much interest in sports scores has learnt to trust me and realise that I will use the computer for work purposes only.
We have to remember that our partners have had their world turned upside down by someone they love so much, yet that person has betrayed one of the most important values that makes a relationship work. It is very easy to understand them overreacting, but they must also come to the party too.
In your case Alex, you have shown your fiancé over the past 6-7 weeks that you can be trusted, you have shown her evidence of your whereabouts etc, what more do you have to do?
As for why you're like this? That's the golden question? We all have been brought up differently, inherited good and bad traits from our parents. I suggest you have a look at sfhelp.org to see if this helps you identify what may have lead you to lie, etc. It has been great for me, it is very extensive, but if you're prepared to do the lessons then I believe it will definitely help. I'm still midway though lesson 1, but I have realised that when I look back to my childhood there were many times when I developed certain fears, anxieties which has hardwired my brain to react the way it has.
In the case of flowers, doing something for her, I'd suggest not doing those things when you've stuffed up, do them unexpectedly, surprise her. I'm not much of a romantic, but giving her a massage etc can be special too.
Good luck.
Pants, I understand what you're saying. There has to be a willingness to see someone change and accept that they're changing. I don't know about it being an equal thing, though, the coming to the party. It's up to us to show consistency and transparency, not up to them to find a way to believe us. WE are the way they'll believe us. I spent a long time thinking, well, geez, if she'd just stop thinking I'm lying all the time, things would go easier here. But I wasn't giving her anything to show I was worthy of her trust. The point that Alex decided he could judge when it was ok to not document something is really important. It's not about having the proof, it's about him deciding he was the one to make that call. (Alex, I am so in your same situation, I'm basically talking about myself!)
I havent read all the earlier posts, so maybe you all talked about this already, but I doubt lying is the underlying cause of things, right? Wouldn't it be a symptom or an outcome or byproduct of other issues? My lying came out around money and an attempt to be nice or stay out of trouble. What about you guys?
but yeah, you are right pants, to an extent. if your parnter decides not to leave you, they do have to make a certain amount of effort. but it doesnt have to be much at all, it is basically entirely up to the person who lied to prove that that move has been cut out. my fiancee understands that it may not happen overnight, but nothing can stop her from my actions feeling like echoes of the past that cut her inside.
sarah, i highly recommend you go through this thread. theres a lot of helpful info/thoughts in here that really helped me out. lying is caused by insecurity, anxiety, and fear, absolutely just a symptom, and very controllable. its just hard to control when we make excuses for ourselves. my lying comes out because i told myself i was doing it to be nice, thats how i justified it to myself, but really when i looked deeper, i was just trying to avoid confrontation and consequences.
I never implied that the partner in these situations had to come to a level of being equal. I was referring to Alex's situation where he has been so good for quite a while now and yet for 5 minutes he has slipped and only in the case of taking longer than what he was supposed to. He never lied when being asked what he did wrong. I think there has to be a level of compromise within a relationship if the partner stays in the relationship as you mentioned Alex.
I bet there have been times when your partner has not seen you because they have been in bed, or you have been away from them to a point where they do not know what you were doing? What happens then?
Don't get me wrong I am in a similar situation, I lied to avoid confrontation, consequences and to appease people. My wife asks me all the time what I've been up to, but also accepts that there are times where she won't be able to see me, etc, so has to have a certain level of trust. Yes we are on short leashes, and I agree we have got ourselves in to this situation, so we have no one to blame but ourselves, but our partners still have to trust us at some level.
One other factor that really makes the situation worse is that my partner's #1 worst thing you can do to her is lie. She had an abusive and horrible father who lied to her all the time and really damaged her psyche. She told me a while ago that as long as I dont lie we are good. Well I still repeatedly lied. It's something she is hypersensitive about. So I dont know where the line is here.
She is still a fair human being generally speaking, strong sense of objective integrity, and she has cut me so much slack in our relationship. lying is just a big no-no and she needs some time to heal.
My wife is very similar to your girlfriend. She had a fiancée that lied to her all the time. He use to disappear for a couple of days when he was caught. She has been scarred by that, and she doesn't understand why someone can't just say it as it is. She is anxious about what I get up to if I am on the computer, even at work, despite there being firewalls. She is anxious about me all the time, whether I am owning up to tings, or even just telling the truth about anything.
This shows that the consequences of our actions have led to our partners developing a anxiety which means that they second guess us, they often worry, often analyse too much as a result. The insecurity that I have caused in my wife is what is leading me to do something about this.
We have to give them a lot of time to heal. It will happen if we keep up our end of the bargain. The insecurity and anxiety we have created has been deeply imbedded within their personality now. Trust can only be regained through time.
We have to persist and understand their situation. It will improve, just stick at it. At least your fiancée put her ring back on. Next time that happens she may just ask you, maybe be a little upset, but won't take it off.
Good luck :)
It's really good to know I'm not alone, thanks. I will go through the thread, too. Check ya later.
IMO, though you should not be looking upon this as trying to juggle things to make her happy, you should just learn to be just the authentic you. I understand how you feel, I always try and appease my wife, it comes naturally to me. I've always done this, my mother use to call me a martyr when I was younger because I always tried to appease her, so that I didn't get yelled at by her. This is one of the reasons I've developed the traits I have.
You have to be "you", and if that means that you do something your fiancée doesn't like, then so be, as long as it is not lying, you'll be fine. Obviously she is still very hurt from the past, and therefore may react I little more than normally, but that's what we have to endure for the time being. It's hard, but I'm sure you will be fine.
As I've said before, it takes two for the relationship to blossom, and she will gradually move towards that line in the sand that allows her to trust you more.
Pants, I couldnt have said it better myself. Being honest to ourselves is incredibly important. I started to see I had an issue when I realized I was believing my lies. They were always a way to avoid getting in trouble. Others are gonna get mad. They are them and not you, and we can't control their feelings.
Today, I successfully let my wife know about a mistake I made with money. It took me five days to do it, but finally I did it. Really wanted to cover my tracks, but there was no way to do so...so I'm no angel but it took everything I had to sit down and admit it. And she was mad, for sure, but not in the this-is-another-nail-in-the-coffin way. She gave me things to do to make up for it, and then came out later and thanked me for telling the truth, even though she's not 100% confident it is the whole truth, but she said she'd take my word for it.
I'm glad it's out there and I'm not bent over double with worry about it...anyway, a big part of it was telling myself ahead that I had to accept that she would have her own feelings about it.
Ok, gotta run. Hope you both are ok.
sarah - congratulations about telling your wife the truth -- its a wound that hurts im sure but it's cleaner and will heal nicely.
i do believe my own lies sometimes. its pretty sickening. i have gotten a lot better when it comes to telling the truth when i mess up and owning it. honestly, i am happy to say that i have -- for the most part -- gotten my act together when it comes to telling the truth -- i know i am still a work in progress though so i won't let myself get comfortable with that. i just have so much more to work on, both with myself, and with my partner because of my lying, that i have a long way to go.