Hi ChangeMyself --

One of the things I'm learning in a 12 step program is that I have to let go of what I can't control. Easier said then done. I think, the 12-steppers would say that, at this point, you can only work on yourself and improve your own integrity. How your girlfriend responds is beyond your control. Sometimes, when trust has to be rebuilt, it can only be accomplished by changed behavior experienced for a good length of time. I'll say a prayer that she doesn't wander far. It sounds like you are dong a great job keeping this stuff top-of-mind at your new job.

Alsom,

Tank you very much for the words of wisdom and the prayer.

How have you been doing with everything? How have things been going at work?

I realized something else about myself today. I don't respond to criticism well. It really makes me uncomfortable and I just shut down. I am going to try and read more about it and work on that. Even though it hasn't happened yet, I want to be more proactive about it and learn from criticism rather than running away from it. I was fine from it before because I buried all my feelings deep inside. I know I can't do that anymore and it's not healthy at all.

This is going to be a weird reference/statement but I'm remembering a quote from a samurai movie called the Sword of the Stranger. In it the main character is offered some medicine by the main villain to help numb the pain before they duel. The good guys response was "it's fine, the pain makes me feel like I am alive". I have run away from the pain of shame, hurt, etc I think the saying is true, people need a bit of pain and cant't do things to numb the pain because it will only be worst later. I have tried to hide or numb the pain and it's only made my self esteem worst. I just became more afraid of accepting it. I am going to change that.

Driving into work this morning, I felt anxious/nervous again. It feels like a big hole in my chest. Decided I don't like feeling this way and will work hard to beat this. Going to talk to my therapist tonight about it to see what I can do. I don't want to feel powerless anymore.

Had a dream last night and I don't remember it at all. I said out loud "I miss your little sister.' I don't remember why or anything but my girlfriend seemed upset about it. I reassured her that it was just a dream and that I love her. It bothered me a lot this morning that it bothered her.

Last week was a good one. Thinking twice before speaking is helping me a lot not to lie. My friends are supporting me a lot in that, however I am very broken from the inside. The girl whom I love is mad at me. She gets mad from the smallest things. On Friday, we went to cinema with other friends and I got a bit upset because a friend and she said said something annoyed me and they were laughing about it. I went home and showed her that I am upset, but she didn't care at all, and in stead, she got really mad because she said that I treated her badly there. she got mad because in the cinema she asked me that I am a bit different and all what i told her is that people change and she got really mad because of that.
I talked to her yesterday and she is super mad and told me to go away, and this morning I tried to talk to her, but she was also super mad.
Despite I am doing well in improving myself, but that is not making me happy at all. She is the one who makes me happy. I feel so terrible and sad :(

I lied to my girlfriend this weekend. I blew off my sister's birthday party to spend time with my girlfriend and I didn't let my sister know. She contacted my girlfriend and I lied. Things were going well with my girlfriend and I then it went bad again. She says that whenever I start getting comfortable, I let my guard down. Looking back in hindsight, yes that is true. I just froze up and resorted to lying to not look bad and not have my girlfriend be upset at me. My girlfriend is mad and says she doesn't care anymore, whatever happens, happens. After some thought, I told her that when our walls are up, I'm more cautious but when our guard is let down I get complacent. I asked if we can at least be on somewhat of good terms so I can work on that side of me when our guard is down. I am going to try attending AA meetings this week to see if that can help further. I am grateful to have found this forum and will still continue to post but I feel like I need that extra brutal honesty and in person support to get me through this. I just went back a few steps and hope it will not ruin the relationship with my girlfriend.

I had a therapy session today and I told my therapist about how I have been posting less on the boards and that I felt like it might help that I attend more in person meetings for that extra push. He told me that I should continue to post every day. He said that when I'm trying to beat this, every little bit helps and that even by posting a bit every day, I'm at least looking at the boards and am reading what's going on. I have subscribed to receive emails on when members join, when new threads are started, and when people respond to this thread. I had been reading the emails and posting when I felt like there was more I wanted to say or write about. After listening to his reasoning, I think he's right and that every little bit helps.

I tried going to an AA meeting today but it was a closed session so I would not be able to speak. I will be going to an AA session tomorrow morning at 6:30 at a local church near my work. It is an open session so even non-AA people are allowed to share for about 3-5 minutes. I am also looking to get help with the 12 steps program.

My therapist said I am making really good progress even with my setback this weekend. He has been encouraging and it's been really helpful. If anyone has any books that they can recommend, I would really appreciate it. Thank you;

Wow, this has been one of those days; Good, Bad, & Ugly.

The Good: I went to an AA meeting this morning. I introduced myself and said that I was a compulsive liar. Though I didn't get a chance to share, the people who did talked about lying in the stories they shared. They seem like a supportive group and 3 members talked with me afterwards about my problem. I asked a person to be my sponsor and he said he would meet with me on Thursday morning after the meeting to talk with me more in depth. Another member suggested I read "Twelve Steps And Twelve Traditions." I have it on my iPad and will begin reading it tomorrow at lunch.

The Bad: My girlfriend finally broke up with me. She said she was tired of everything, the lying, my family, and all the other issues. She wouldn't even pick up my phone call when I called her. Even if it was goodbye for good, I would of have at least wanted to talk to her. I texted her how I felt about her and how much I care. I am changing myself for us. I'm deeply heart broken right now. I feel so much pain then I try to numb it out. Then I remember the quote that pain is what makes us feel alive. I'm feeling VERY alive right now. I remember what it was like when I repressed all my feelings before. Never again...

The Ugly: I am not photogenic AT ALL! My business portrait came back...I look crazy....

Today has been one of the roughest days of my life. I texted my therapist this morning and asked if we could talk about the break up last night. He called and we talked. He told me that my ex had emailed him and he told me what she said. I am not just heart broken over her but also how my lying hurt the woman I love so much. It shook me to my core. I haven't felt his way since my father passed away almost 6 years ago. I know that I made so many mistakes with her and I was praying that I would have a chance to make it all up to her in the future, but now I won't. I am not lying to myself about how I destroyed this relationship, nor about the pain I feel. I won't lie to myself that the reason I'm changing is all for myself, I pushed myself to change too because of her/us. I feel so much despair that I just want to do nothing, but I can't lie to myself and think that would be ok. I am meeting with the person I asked to sponsor me tomorrow morning after the AA meeting. I am determined to beat the lying. I felt truly hopeful about my determination to change yesterday after the AA meeting. I still feel the same but it's mixed with a shame, self-loathing, and anger against myself. I feel that my self worth has gone down. I want to be better person, like my father. When I don't know where else to turn, I ask him for his help. I don't feel like lying anymore , it has utterly disgusted me to my core.

I am just curious, has anyone sought help through religion and spirituality? I have been attending mass with my ex-girlfriend for months now and I find more peace there than I do with Buddhism. I wonder to myself if that is wrong. When the father at the church we go to blessed me last week, I felt at peace. Yet there's this pull at my heart. I wonder if I feel bound to Buddhism because that is the religion I grew up with. I feel like I can relate more to Catholicism than Buddhism. I find myself praying to both Buddha and God. Is that wrong?

The longest week I have ever had in my life. I am doing well with not telling lies to others, but still I feel terrible for hurting the person whom I love the most. We haven't talked since Sunday's early morning, and I miss her as hell. I am ashamed of myself that I lied to her a lot and hurt her because she cared a lot about me and loved me so much. I can't stop thinking of her, and I am missing her more and more by the sec. Whenever I see her around in the university, I feel there is a hole inside my body. She is the part that I am missing from my body. She talked to a friend of mine and told him that I treated her bald after she gave me a chance.
I don't know what should I do!
thinking twice before speaking is really helping me in not telling a lie, and staying silent when I am going to lie is helping too.

God really does work in mysterious ways. Today in the AA meeting, the leader of the group would choose a topic from one of the AA books and we would read passages about that topic. He picked the topic of a higher power. I took a picture of the second reading, which really resonated with me. It reads,

'We have found that God does not make too hard terms with those who seek him. To us, the realm of the spirit is broad, roomy, all-inclusive, never exclusive or forbidding to those who earnestly seek. It is open, we believe to all men.'

After the reading, the meeting was open to sharing. A few people shared and it was silent. Then my sponsor gave me a signal to share and I talked about what I posted on the thread last night. When I was talking about God, I felt this wave of sensation that came over me. A feeling of tranquility and peace. It may sound exaggerated coming from a guy who is an admitted liar, but at that moment I felt like God had accepted me and I him, and that things were going to be ok. It was one of the strangest experiences I have ever had. What I realize that when I pray now to God, at the end of my prayer I will always add, 'If that is your will.' I can't and wont make demands of God, but I can pray to him and if that be his will, then please support me in my endevours, whatever they may be.

I also spoke with my sponsor who agreed to take me on. He said he is very new to sponsoring a liar and we will work through this together. He gave me a soberity coin that represents 24 hours (first day). And he said to me, if you feel like lying, you either call me or swallow that coin. =) it's a pretty large coin.

I am thankful to God who lends me strength and courage, my therapist who suggested I attend an AA meeting, my ex-girlfriend who believed in me, and my father who is watching over me. One day at a time.

hello all,

my name is alex and i am a liar. i made an account on this site because my story is extremely similar to David's, and i am at my wits end. i am so tired of hurting my fiancee. i say "white" lies a lot. i have tried countless times to stop with my half-truths, omissions, denials, bullshitting, loopholes, and only recently realized that because i have been unable to stop that i had to admit that i am a liar.

we have been together for 2 years...and it has slowly but steadily gotten worse. i was not looking for anything when we met, neither was she, but we connected and it was bliss. i thought id been in love but had never been in love like this before, and neither had she. i was not ready mentally to be in a relationship though, completely naive about what it took. thought it was only a matter of doing the big things like not cheating, having her back, stuff like that. her heart is so big to i love her more than anything ive ever encountered on this earth. so why cant i be honest, even with myself? i see the pain i put her through and it wrecks me...i feel like a monster...i feel like i am in a war with myself and no matter what i set myself to do in the heat of the moment i get caught up and revert back to a sly little lie to not get in trouble, even though she sees right through me. just shooting myself in the foot. i have read about rebuilding trust, and i know i need to be consistent, but that is my biggest failing right now. coming up on our 2nd anniversary in 2 weeks, we have ZERO TRUST and she has never been hurt so badly by anyone, even her monster of a step dad. which makes me a bigger monster. we are both so numb from crying, and i dont know how to reign myself in here. i (reluctantly at first) quit everything for her to make her feel more secure - weed, drinking, porn, talking to other women.

i want to try what david's therapist recommended which is to post on this thread once a day, hopefully in a more thoughtful way. i want to start by being consistent with that, and telling more of my story. i want to slow down so that i don't panic when she asks me who i talked to for the day, or why i forgot to do something for her, or why my train was late. i love her so much but she understandably cant see that now.

First off David, I am very proud of you for admitting that your a liar! Also, I have been reading in silent as you've been posting and was happy to see that you found yourself a support group. Also, equally as important as finding a good support group, it sounds like you found yourself a supportive sponsor who has your best interests at heart, I'm happy for you in that regard. Personally I think your taking almost all the required steps towards trying your best to lick the problem of being a liar. Between your sponsor, the support group, your therapist and your new founded connection as to you believe is a higher power, all that stuff combined might result in one of these day's you can step out upon life's stage and not have one worry or concern that anything that comes out of your mouth will be a lie.

Next, and I'm very much speaking from my own personal experience is your "ex-girlfriend" factor! One way or another she needs to be factored into your life's plan! Personally I found out very much the hard way that when one makes the choice to better ones self, like you and I have, that we can't take anyone else into consideration when doing so. This attempt to try and remedy yourself from the evil's of lying have to be done for just you, and no one else. Also, I found out the hard way that you can't admit a problem as big as being a liar to a romantic interest that may be in your life, and for whom you might be having problems with or have even broke up with due to issues with lying, coming clean to your romantic interest is good, immediately jumping into recovery for it is great, but sometimes the admitting you've got the problem and jumping right in to try and fix it isn't enough to save a relationship.

By the end of my relationship, like with many of us who are admitted liars, towards the end, my ex-faince had as alecasiam says above "zero trust" in me! My admitting my problem and the time it took to jump into recovery and try to repair things came to late for me to save my relationship. The bulk of all my prior lies came to the light and were seen by my ex-faince back on July-10-2014, I sat down and admitted my problem of honesty to her, then by July-16-2014 I found Daily Strength and this Liars group and joined, my ex-fiance appreciated the fact that I had figuratively came out of the closet with my lying problem, she appreciated it. She was still physically in my life at the time I joined this group, she saw it with her own eyes and appreciated and respected the fact that I joined something that could help me. But alas, on July-24-2014 at an event that my Mom was hosting at her home, my ex-faince announced that she was ending the relationship and advised that she had already made arrangements with her parents back home in Ohio and will be moving back in with them. In the end, some of the lies I told my ex-fiance were just to big for her to deal with, some of my lies were of that only monsters would tell. While announcing she did several times recognize my attempts towards admitting my problem and seeking out help, she appreciated it but told my Mom and me that it all just came to late in the game and she didn't want to be with someone anymore that who had no guarantees of ever being truly recovered, she wasn't going to wait for me to prove or disprove that I can fix this, she just left.

So my scaled down version of my example above taught me a hard and valued lesson in life and that is, if one is going to go about admitting to themselves and then to the world about their issues, such as being a liar, that person has to make sure they are doing it for the right reasons. For me, at first, I did it to try and save a relationship and it didn't work. it was a huge bitter pill to swallow that my failed attempts to keep the one I loved failed. Shortly after my ex-faince's departure, I was sat down by a very wise person and was told the reason why my attempts to save my relationship failed, is because I was doing it for all the wrong reasons. I was told that one who starts out on the pathway to recovery has to make sure their doing it for the right person, and that person can only be themselves.

I'm not a man who is totally void that anything is possible, who knows, you've suffered a breakup now, but perhaps this is the universes way of helping you get onto the path of recovery. The universe is freeing up some of your time that would have been spent with your now ex-girlfriend, and now that time can be invested in yourself. Who knows, perhaps at some point down the road you'll be recovered to the point that your ex-girlfriend may pop back into your life, maybe she'll even stick around long enough to see that you've recovered to the point that she can start to trust and believe you, who knows, at that point perhaps reconciliation might be possible, you never know. But a word of caution, I just rambled on about the possibilities through some pretty thick rose colored glasses, and the example I gave is just a possibility and not a guarantee to happen.

We'll make it through this, you and me and all the people here who are serious about their recovery, we'll all make it through this and come on out on the other side!

I wish you all the best, I wish you the best of luck and keep at it, the therapist, the support group, your sponsor, posting here on Daily Strength, keep it all up, for in the end I am sure that it will pay you dividends that you never dreamed possible! :)

Good luck!

hi all, this is my day 1 and i am starting my morning here, and will be doing checking in around the same time every day during the week before work and perhaps later on the weekend.

aaron, thank you for your post, i'm sorry to hear your loss of your relationship. that really hits home to me. i have been clinging to this relationship with everything i have to make it work and doing my best to make sure that it doesn't become a tragedy. learning the lessons you learned the hard way helps. so thank you for sharing.

it's a good point that it needs to be done for oneself. i needed that reminder. so as much as i want to do this to save my relationship, i will make sure i'm doing it for me. having the alone time to do this every morning helps me focus on that, and after my post here i will be meditating for a few minutes to try and get my anxious mind to calm down so i can be in better control of myself.

my problem like others on here is my lack of consistency. in all of my fiancee and my problems, whenever i go to change i can't just make the change and stick to it. in her words, i get hype, super focused for a few days or weeks, and then i make the same mistake again. i need to cultivate that discipline needed to see something through forever and not revert or take the easy way out of something. so i hope beginning here will make a difference for me. i hope to see changes in myself from posting something about myself every morning here and being mindful of my situation.

i am so lucky to still be with her. i need to make this work, we went from soulmates to roommates

hi all, this is alex on my 2nd day of not lying. i have cut out every distracting influence in my life. i am a musician and i cut out music in my life until i get this, along with everything that could potentially distract me. i just sit and think about the situation instead, pray, and work to humble myself and my giant ego.

lies are at least partially a result of my ego. my ego has grown out of control lately. lately as in the last few years. it's the opposite of who i thought i was. like it has grown on the downlow. i have been living in my own head for too long, and i used to use alcohol and weed to escape from my own head. now i want to do that sober, and to do so i know i need humbling. i need to remember how small i am, and embrace that and get behind it. not in a self-pitying way, i keep my confidence, but try to listen to myself and when i am acting out of pride or ego, leave it alone. it's hard for me. but that's what i am focusing on. i (and my fiancee) will be volunteering at a charity starting next saturday, i am praying and meditating regularly (each day), and i am focused on ignoring my own desires for a long time until my urges arent as strong and i am in my place as a servant of god. i am hopeful that i can do this, i believe i can if i keep my focus consistent.

more updates and thoughts each day. best, alex