Liars Anonymous Community Group
A support group to provide those with a compulsive addiction to lie a place to share hope, strength and courage with others like them; solve our common problem and help others with a compulsion to lie. We aren't alone!
Hello everyone, my name is David and I am a compulsive liar.
Lying has become so engrained in me that I am able to quickly and easily make up lies like it's a natural reflex. Every since I was young, I have lied in one form or another, whether it was to be able to go out and play with my friends after school or saying I enjoyed things when I really didn't just to please the people around me. Fast forward 30 years and I'm still lying.
About six months ago, I met a woman, who in my eyes is, THE WOMAN. I am going to take a moment and quote Sherlock Homes and say, "In his eyes she eclipses and predominates the whole of her sex." To me, the woman that I met and started dating is the soul mate I have been searching for. I fell very deeply in love with her and I still feel the same this very moment. Slowly, but surely I came to lie to her in one way or another, like telling her I'd be at her house in 10 minutes when I just left my house, which is 20 minutes away or that I promised to do something for her, but I never did.
After she caught me lying, I promised I would fix it and stop lying to her. I would truly put forth my best effort and it would last days or weeks until the next time I lied. Each time our relationship became more strained and the wall between us became higher and higher. This last weekend, everything exploded when she found out the secret I had desperately kept from her.
Early in our relationship, my ex-girlfriend had contacted me and I told her I was seeing someone and that she should not contact me anymore. I was at lunch with my girlfriend when my ex called again. Instead of telling my girlfriend at first, I just said it's nobody, but finally told her later. I should have ignored my ex but instead I just contacted her to see what she wanted. She demanded to meet my girlfriend or she would raise all sorts of He** in an effort to find her. I got scared and panicked. At this point in our relationship I thought that it would be best to deal with the situation in secret then hide it. I contacted one of my close female friends and told her about the situation and she told me that I was being a complete jerk and that I need to tell my girlfriend. Realizing I would not get help from her or any of my other close female friends, I hired a someone on the internet to pretend to be my girlfriend. Yes, I really did stoop that low to keep myself from having to tell my girlfriend.
So at the moment, my girlfriend and I are on a break. I have finally been able to admit to her that I am a compulsive liar and that I cannot fight/fix this alone. Yesterday, we met with a psychologist who specializes in behaviors and I am working to understand my problem and find a support group (hence why I am here). Today, we met with a therapist, who is an LMFT (Licensed Marriage Family Therapist) and felt that this would help us work on our relationship. At this point she has absolute no trust in me and questions everything I say, whether it is the truth or not. I have also scheduled an appointment with a psychiatrist to look at my problem from a bio-chemical perspective. I don't know what we'll find but I am a bit nervous about it.
My girlfriend has been extremely supportive and understanding and has given me more chances than I deserve. Lying has destroyed our relationship and it's no one's fault but mine. I am a compulsive liar and I need help. Thank you to everyone here.
To be continued...
Lying has become so engrained in me that I am able to quickly and easily make up lies like it's a natural reflex. Every since I was young, I have lied in one form or another, whether it was to be able to go out and play with my friends after school or saying I enjoyed things when I really didn't just to please the people around me. Fast forward 30 years and I'm still lying.
About six months ago, I met a woman, who in my eyes is, THE WOMAN. I am going to take a moment and quote Sherlock Homes and say, "In his eyes she eclipses and predominates the whole of her sex." To me, the woman that I met and started dating is the soul mate I have been searching for. I fell very deeply in love with her and I still feel the same this very moment. Slowly, but surely I came to lie to her in one way or another, like telling her I'd be at her house in 10 minutes when I just left my house, which is 20 minutes away or that I promised to do something for her, but I never did.
After she caught me lying, I promised I would fix it and stop lying to her. I would truly put forth my best effort and it would last days or weeks until the next time I lied. Each time our relationship became more strained and the wall between us became higher and higher. This last weekend, everything exploded when she found out the secret I had desperately kept from her.
Early in our relationship, my ex-girlfriend had contacted me and I told her I was seeing someone and that she should not contact me anymore. I was at lunch with my girlfriend when my ex called again. Instead of telling my girlfriend at first, I just said it's nobody, but finally told her later. I should have ignored my ex but instead I just contacted her to see what she wanted. She demanded to meet my girlfriend or she would raise all sorts of He** in an effort to find her. I got scared and panicked. At this point in our relationship I thought that it would be best to deal with the situation in secret then hide it. I contacted one of my close female friends and told her about the situation and she told me that I was being a complete jerk and that I need to tell my girlfriend. Realizing I would not get help from her or any of my other close female friends, I hired a someone on the internet to pretend to be my girlfriend. Yes, I really did stoop that low to keep myself from having to tell my girlfriend.
So at the moment, my girlfriend and I are on a break. I have finally been able to admit to her that I am a compulsive liar and that I cannot fight/fix this alone. Yesterday, we met with a psychologist who specializes in behaviors and I am working to understand my problem and find a support group (hence why I am here). Today, we met with a therapist, who is an LMFT (Licensed Marriage Family Therapist) and felt that this would help us work on our relationship. At this point she has absolute no trust in me and questions everything I say, whether it is the truth or not. I have also scheduled an appointment with a psychiatrist to look at my problem from a bio-chemical perspective. I don't know what we'll find but I am a bit nervous about it.
My girlfriend has been extremely supportive and understanding and has given me more chances than I deserve. Lying has destroyed our relationship and it's no one's fault but mine. I am a compulsive liar and I need help. Thank you to everyone here.
To be continued...
"Humility is anonymity" - I don't know who this came from.
I wish you the best of luck with everything. We are all here to help each other.
It's literally one day at a time.
"There are 12 months in a year. That's 365 days, 8,765 hours, and 525,500 minutes.That's a really long time. Instead of having one day where you make your new years resolution, live each day like the first day you make that new years resolution."
This is not the exact quote and I'm just summarizing, but I feel like the message is very meaningful. I am looking at my problem like it's the first day I admitted I was a liar. I too start getting complacent and looking at it from this perspective makes me feel very different in regards to my approach towards stopping to lie. I realize now that the path we take shouldn't be rushed and I personally want to fix it the first time around.
Second is the prayer of Saint Francis of Assisi,
Lord, make ma channel of thy peace.
That where there is hatred, I may bring love.
That where there is wrong, I may bring the spirit of forgiveness.
That where there is discord, I may bring harmony.
That where there is error, I may bring truth.
That where there is doubt, I may bring faith.
That where there is despair, I may bring hope.
That where there are shadows, I may bring light.
That where there is I may bring joy.
Lord, grant that I may seek rather to comfort, than to be comforted.
That I understand, than to be understood.
That I love, than to be loved.
For it is by self forgiving that one finds.
That by forgiving that one is forgiven.
That by dying that one awakens to Eternal Life.
Having read this prayer, I just had to take a picture of it and keep it close to me. This is essence, everything that I am striving towards. To me, the last sentence means that by discarding the old me, will I find peace with my life without lying and deceit. I talked with my ex-girlfriend yesterday and in the end we got into an argument and I was trying to have her understand my perspective. I took a deep breathe and told her that I want to understand rather than be understood. I said (from what I can recall) "Right now, I know you don't trust me. I have lied to you, hurt you, and let you down. I can understand the reason you are acting the way you are. I am sitting here before you and you can't trust a single thing I say." I can't remember what else was said but I was being selfish by just wanting her to see things my way so I could get my way.I was humbled again yesterday by just looking from her perspective.
Third is a quote that my ex-girlfriend shared with me tonight.
"Keep going. Each step my get harder but don't stop. The view is beautiful from the top of the mountain."
I asked her if I could share this with everyone here. I know that each step is hard, but I know we will all make it through it.
i desire strongly to think twice before i speak, and to understand that the consequences for my words are greater than what is happening just in the heat of the moment.
i am also working to maintain a fresh perspective each new day of the 365 in the year that it is the first day of my "Sobriety". unlike alcohol or drug addictions, our addiction is everywhere we are, presenting itself to us every time we open our mouths. that is hard but it also means we have constant opportunities to work on it and conquer it. i know we can all do this.
david i want to thank u for going to therapy and sharing what you learn here with us, it is very helpful.
today is the 3rd day of total honesty for me.
Today I have gotten better, but still not to the point where I feel like I should be. When I don't know something, I ask right away. When I can't do something, I say right away. My mind set has taken a turn for the better. Everything I've i feel like I'm becoming less arrogant and more humble, my girlfriend knocks me down even harder. Ad thaw what I need, tough love to break down years of bad habits, thinking, and attitude. I posted yesterday a quote saying that anonymity is humility. That is the principle that I'm striving towards. I know that I am no where near perfect and I may never get to that point, but I will continue to challenge myself to be better than what I am. My father always told me, if you think your mountain is high, there is always one that's higher.
For me, pride is one of the main causes of my lying. As I work on becoming more humble, it will help me break down pillars that I based my lying upon.
Thank you to everyone for the support and encouragement that you have given me here. Thank you.
today is my 4th day of total honesty. i too struggle with pride. i always know best and i dont wanna listen to anyone else, and the only way i can be convinced is with hard evidence in my face and a long stubborn argument. it's a real hassle for my fiancee and i try to swallow my pride. yesterday i made a very assholish comment to my fiancee when we were just having a random discussion about something, and i took a teasing dig at her. i said it and could immediately see i went too far by the expression on her face. why cant i think before i speak? that is just self-sabotage. i am so impulsive.
so far my fiancee and i have come together strongly because i am finally starting to be honest with myself, which is something she's been waiting for for the 2 years we have been together. i am focusing on telling her the truth and not even thinking about what her possible reaction could be but just telling the truth for my own sake. because if i do not tell the truth, i will be shooting myself in the leg forever and will never be able to find happiness. ironic that i need that kind of selfish thinking to change my selfish behavior. but you do need a certain level of selfish thought to make yourself a better person in the long run. my fiancee, unlike me, was raised in a system of strong and at times tough love, and she has benefited greatly from that and is a well-balanced person. i was not raised in either way, and i feel that has contributed to my lack of discipline and not knowing how to care for and pay attention to the feelings of those i love.
anonymity is humility. so simple and true. i love it. i am making that my focus. that is something that has always been difficult for me, as i (secretly) desired to be the center of attention and always receive credit for every "brilliant" thing i've done. i remember one time in college a frat brother and i had a great idea for a party, and when he presented the idea to the group he didn't give me credit for it. this irked me SO much that i had to go let him know that that bothered me, and he just looked at me like i was crazy. now i understand i was just being selfish over such a small thing.
i want to end by sharing a couple links i have found that are motivating/helpful/illuminating to me, though one of them is very painful for a liar to read, but i feel that pain can be motivating since it comes from a source of truth. my pride, ego, and selfish mentality turned me into this person:
http://www.designedthinking.com/the-signs-of-emotional-abuse/
so now i read this a few times a week:
http://www.guideposts.org/faith/bible-resources/6-steps-to-walking-humbly-with-god
thank you all good luck. more tomorrow.
3 days. that's how long i made it before making another small lie. and i didn't even catch it myself, my fiancee caught it.
at work, to help our trust issues, we recently decided i am supposed to give her a call when my lunch break begins. via chat, i told her "going to heat up my food then come back to my computer". she asked "did you remember what we spoke about?"
and instead of just saying "no, i forgot" and dealing with/accepting her displeasure that i forgot what we had spoken about, i tried a slick line and said "im about to go to the lunch room and call u!" even though i wasn't even going to take my phone in to the lunch room initially!
she called me on it and i confessed...now i know it only takes me a little more than 3 days to get comfortable and forget my vigil. i am so ashamed. i feel such an intense sadness. why do i lie on autopilot? i am hurting myself and the woman i love!! i am going crazy with myself...i will get this under control i swear. i know i must forgive myself here, acknowledge my anxiety, and look to the future with positivity that i can and will change this. it is still hard for me to do this, but i am going to eliminate the shame i feel and forgive myself. i accept i am not perfect. i accept that i have an addiction to lying and i can change this. i have quit other addictions before, this one is no different.
Alex - I just read your post and I understand where you are coming from. I feel like I am taking small steps towards changing myself for the better. When I first started, it was all about trying to be perfect, coming on here and posting patting myself on the back that I did a good job today and didn't lie. Sure it helped but when I lied to my girlfriend again last weekend, I felt the feelings you are having now. It was my girlfriend who called me out and told me I was just doing by trying to "Beat" the problem - meaning that I was more or less competing with myself and thinking that if I have that perfect streak I won't relapse into lying (not her exact words but I'm paraphrasing the meaning). I started out with good intentions but became complacent. I believe now that it's not about rushing and kicking the problem as fast as I can but doing a thorough job so that I feel better inside and won't lie again. Take your time and you'll get there. I look at the links you posted and I really liked this stating,
3. Pay more attention to your own faults than to the flaws of others.
Confess your failings, but don’t obsess—move on!
Regarding my girlfriend, we talked and spent time over the weekend and are trying to work things out. I wouldn't be here because of her and am thankful everyday that she is in my life.
anyway thank you for the shoulder to lean on. i had that mindset too of trying to beat the problem and maintain perfection. i rush because i can't stand to see my fiancee hurting so badly. after having a long talk with her last night, we came to an understanding and she is more supportive of me now, which feels terrific. it is amazing to not feel like she's my enemy/boss in this, but rather i am fighting myself and she has my back. all i had to do was be honest, with myself and with her. i want to keep that strength going.
so today, as she told me, is the first day of the rest of my life. i am just going to make it through today. day 1. thank you for supporting me.
yesterday was a successful day for me as well. today is day two. good luck everyone