Liars Anonymous Community Group
A support group to provide those with a compulsive addiction to lie a place to share hope, strength and courage with others like them; solve our common problem and help others with a compulsion to lie. We aren't alone!
Hello everyone, my name is David and I am a compulsive liar.
Lying has become so engrained in me that I am able to quickly and easily make up lies like it's a natural reflex. Every since I was young, I have lied in one form or another, whether it was to be able to go out and play with my friends after school or saying I enjoyed things when I really didn't just to please the people around me. Fast forward 30 years and I'm still lying.
About six months ago, I met a woman, who in my eyes is, THE WOMAN. I am going to take a moment and quote Sherlock Homes and say, "In his eyes she eclipses and predominates the whole of her sex." To me, the woman that I met and started dating is the soul mate I have been searching for. I fell very deeply in love with her and I still feel the same this very moment. Slowly, but surely I came to lie to her in one way or another, like telling her I'd be at her house in 10 minutes when I just left my house, which is 20 minutes away or that I promised to do something for her, but I never did.
After she caught me lying, I promised I would fix it and stop lying to her. I would truly put forth my best effort and it would last days or weeks until the next time I lied. Each time our relationship became more strained and the wall between us became higher and higher. This last weekend, everything exploded when she found out the secret I had desperately kept from her.
Early in our relationship, my ex-girlfriend had contacted me and I told her I was seeing someone and that she should not contact me anymore. I was at lunch with my girlfriend when my ex called again. Instead of telling my girlfriend at first, I just said it's nobody, but finally told her later. I should have ignored my ex but instead I just contacted her to see what she wanted. She demanded to meet my girlfriend or she would raise all sorts of He** in an effort to find her. I got scared and panicked. At this point in our relationship I thought that it would be best to deal with the situation in secret then hide it. I contacted one of my close female friends and told her about the situation and she told me that I was being a complete jerk and that I need to tell my girlfriend. Realizing I would not get help from her or any of my other close female friends, I hired a someone on the internet to pretend to be my girlfriend. Yes, I really did stoop that low to keep myself from having to tell my girlfriend.
So at the moment, my girlfriend and I are on a break. I have finally been able to admit to her that I am a compulsive liar and that I cannot fight/fix this alone. Yesterday, we met with a psychologist who specializes in behaviors and I am working to understand my problem and find a support group (hence why I am here). Today, we met with a therapist, who is an LMFT (Licensed Marriage Family Therapist) and felt that this would help us work on our relationship. At this point she has absolute no trust in me and questions everything I say, whether it is the truth or not. I have also scheduled an appointment with a psychiatrist to look at my problem from a bio-chemical perspective. I don't know what we'll find but I am a bit nervous about it.
My girlfriend has been extremely supportive and understanding and has given me more chances than I deserve. Lying has destroyed our relationship and it's no one's fault but mine. I am a compulsive liar and I need help. Thank you to everyone here.
To be continued...
Lying has become so engrained in me that I am able to quickly and easily make up lies like it's a natural reflex. Every since I was young, I have lied in one form or another, whether it was to be able to go out and play with my friends after school or saying I enjoyed things when I really didn't just to please the people around me. Fast forward 30 years and I'm still lying.
About six months ago, I met a woman, who in my eyes is, THE WOMAN. I am going to take a moment and quote Sherlock Homes and say, "In his eyes she eclipses and predominates the whole of her sex." To me, the woman that I met and started dating is the soul mate I have been searching for. I fell very deeply in love with her and I still feel the same this very moment. Slowly, but surely I came to lie to her in one way or another, like telling her I'd be at her house in 10 minutes when I just left my house, which is 20 minutes away or that I promised to do something for her, but I never did.
After she caught me lying, I promised I would fix it and stop lying to her. I would truly put forth my best effort and it would last days or weeks until the next time I lied. Each time our relationship became more strained and the wall between us became higher and higher. This last weekend, everything exploded when she found out the secret I had desperately kept from her.
Early in our relationship, my ex-girlfriend had contacted me and I told her I was seeing someone and that she should not contact me anymore. I was at lunch with my girlfriend when my ex called again. Instead of telling my girlfriend at first, I just said it's nobody, but finally told her later. I should have ignored my ex but instead I just contacted her to see what she wanted. She demanded to meet my girlfriend or she would raise all sorts of He** in an effort to find her. I got scared and panicked. At this point in our relationship I thought that it would be best to deal with the situation in secret then hide it. I contacted one of my close female friends and told her about the situation and she told me that I was being a complete jerk and that I need to tell my girlfriend. Realizing I would not get help from her or any of my other close female friends, I hired a someone on the internet to pretend to be my girlfriend. Yes, I really did stoop that low to keep myself from having to tell my girlfriend.
So at the moment, my girlfriend and I are on a break. I have finally been able to admit to her that I am a compulsive liar and that I cannot fight/fix this alone. Yesterday, we met with a psychologist who specializes in behaviors and I am working to understand my problem and find a support group (hence why I am here). Today, we met with a therapist, who is an LMFT (Licensed Marriage Family Therapist) and felt that this would help us work on our relationship. At this point she has absolute no trust in me and questions everything I say, whether it is the truth or not. I have also scheduled an appointment with a psychiatrist to look at my problem from a bio-chemical perspective. I don't know what we'll find but I am a bit nervous about it.
My girlfriend has been extremely supportive and understanding and has given me more chances than I deserve. Lying has destroyed our relationship and it's no one's fault but mine. I am a compulsive liar and I need help. Thank you to everyone here.
To be continued...
I have things on my mind that I want to talk about and tell someone but there's no one I feel comfortable talking/telling this stuff too. Definitely miss talking with my ex-gf. Even though it got bad at the end and we weren't really communicating, I feel a little bit more open and willing. I think it's from the small steps of courage I have been taking. Working on keep it consistent! Long way to go!
I am debating whether I should go to mass tomorrow. On one hand it is the only mass that I can connect with because of the father and his homilies. On the other hand, it's the same mass my ex-gf goes to. I would be lying if I said that I didn't want to run into her. Even if it's just a glimpse, it would make me happy. I want to make sure that I am attending mass for the right reasons and not as an excuse to see her. If I do go, I will sit in a completely different section from her and will probably leave a bit early (before announcements are done). I prayed to God the other night and entrusted anything to do with relationships to him. I asked that he guide me after I have kicked this nasty habit and truly become a better person. I sincerely hope that he leads me to my ex again.
This overwhelming feeling is terrible. I was heading to the supermarket and I was so, so, so tempted to text her brother's finance and ask her what she thought and if me and my ex still have a chance and what is going on. I almost did, even her name in the text box. I think God intervened and stopped me because I was thinking of telling her brother's finance to just keep this conversation between me and her and not tell my ex or her brother. But that's lying and I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I also thought about her my ex said to me, to stay away from her family and friends and I want/will respect that. It's so chest twisting hard and painful.
I am meeting with my AA sponsor this coming Saturday to go over my moral inventory. I played with the idea of sending it to my ex so she can read it too. I feel weird about it because it's all my deepest darkest secrets. But the larger thing is that it feels too forced. I think when I start getting better and more consistent, and we talk again, I want to show and say this is all the bad stuff I have done in my life. Let's talk about it and know that it is the old me and it's not the person I am today.
This is so overwhelming, I just prayed to God again. Does this make me weak and not have courage?
I personally think in this situation you have to hold for a little bit longer. It must be tearing you up inside, but these are the things will make you more of a man. You need to give your ex some space, time for her to digest what has happened, do things for herself. Maybe in a few weeks you could text her and ask to catch up for a coffee. She may even contact you first.
First thing is to not apologise by text, do it face to face if you can. You need to earn her respect. You definitely have to honour her wish of staying away from family and friends. I know it's not easy, but it's what you have to do. You need to be selfish atm, ironic isn't it, but you need to work on you and all other things will fall in place as a result, and that may also mean not getting back with your ex, as bad as that may seem.
Good luck.
When I am at work, I have all these things to think and worry about but outside of work I'm going straight home to read or study or work on myself. It's really hard when I have no one in my life to talk to about all the things that are on my chest. I told my best friend and I know he means well but I don't think he gets it. I really miss that connection with someone and I am not saying I'm going to go out and just start dating so I have someone, anyone to connect with. It's weird, I see my family again but ti's not the same as before I cannot connect to any of them nor do I have a real desire to. That sounds horrible, but that's the truth.
- 4 tips to achieve mental strength
- 8 verses to break the selfishness habit
- Non attachment: Buddhism's most misunderstood concepts
- Beat your mind at it's own game.
I haven't read the articles yet. I am going to bring it to me to work tomorrow. Instead of working through lunch, I am going to drink (juice) outside and read. Changing it up and doing something different.
I just finished writing my journal and it doesn't feel forced (not pushing myself to write - just what comes out). I am wrote my gratitude list. An acquaintance of mine from AA suggested I join an email thread where they do four-for-four (Meditation, Prayer, Meeting, Tenth Step - continue to take personal inventory and promptly admit when we are wrong). No meeting today, no meditation for today, still taking personal inventory, and will be praying before I sleep tonight.
I am grateful for this board. Thank you.
Hope everyone has a wonderful day!
Arrogance
o I think I don’t have any limits. I think I can do everything and do it better than others. I think I know more than I really do. I think I am better than some. I judge others unfairly before I know anything about them. I act like I am better than others or I act disinterested.
Dishonest
o I lied a lot, about anything and everything you can think of. It got to the point where I lied for no reason. It became an automated response. I lied, exaggerated, or omitted information. I lied to everyone around me, whether it is family, friends, acquaintances, or people I am just meeting.
Inconsistent
o I would be really focused on something, to the point of being obsessive (a topic/idea, work, etc) then get burned out, lose interest, or lose focus and then be really inconsistent. I guess I can’t keep the same pace up. To use an analogy, I sprint then run out of fuel.
Lacks Courage
o I run away or ignore things I cannot mentally, emotionally, or physically handle. I do not want to own it when things get bad. I don’t care about the consequences as long as I don’t hear or see about it.
Selfish/Inconsiderate
o I always think of myself and what I want. I put myself before others. I try to think about other first but it automatically defaults back to me. I do things and it usually has a motive behind it. I don’t care how others feeling. I might try to act sad or upset but I don’t feel anything inside. When things go badly for me, I need attention and support. Everything is on my time.
Self-Pity/Pity
o I want people to feel bad for me so they can sympathize with my plight so I can feel support, friendship, love. I feel bad for myself and my plights when I know other people have it worst. I am dramatic and over exaggerate to “move” people. I want people to relate and connect with me. Otherwise I feel lonely when I don’t have this connection. I just want friends and I need that connection with people.
Self-Justification
o Nothing is black and while, everything is a shade of grey. I do not have qualms about doing something bad as long as I can justify it in my head. Usually things to benefit me. I justify things to make myself believe I am right even though it may not be morally right.
Self-Condemnation
o I destroy myself emotionally and mentally when I get found out. I beat myself up and just feel self-pity. I destroy my self-worth. I tend to dwell in the negative and how I messed up.
The shame resilient therapist responded to my email and we are going to try and set up a preliminary phone conversation tomorrow. Every little bit helps. I have been good with writing in my journal, though I did miss last Friday.
I was listening to a workshop that Joe & Charlie from AA (no idea who they are) put on and they were going through the 12 step process. I learned a lot about the 6-12 steps. I particular piece that stood out is that when we are trying to make amends, we do not beat ourselves up about it. We try and are sincerely willing to make amends but if the other party wants us to beg on our knees for forgiveness, we do not do that. We are all of God's people and we have made a sincere effort to make amends.
I met with my new therapist on Friday (shame-resilient) and it was a good meeting. She's the first therapist out of three that gave me homework to do before meeting again this coming Thursday. It's been a month now since I've gotten on track and I am feeling like I am owning my story rather than shying away from the shame and guilt. For instance, during the therapy session, my therapist asked why did my girlfriend and I break up. I named the reasons and a part of me wanted to leave out I cheated on her but I didn't and I told her. Owning my story and being honest about what I've done and telling someone makes me feel more hopeful that I can get through all of this. We are also working on empathy. I numbed a lot of bad feelings for about 4-5 years and I learned with that, I also numbed the good feelings as well. I asked her if there was a way I can feel again and she said Empathy can be learned, but it will take some time. I am looking forward to this though. I want to be more genuine and sincere and really mean it.
I was listening to Joe and Charlie's AA workshop on my phone and I wanted to share a quote that seems powerful to me. "We are the luckiest people on God's earth. we get to live two life times in one. There was the old us and there will be the new us." It makes me think about our problem in a different light and gives me more hope. It's a positive spin on something negative and it has helped me through the days.
I did a step study class on Saturday morning and my sponsor and I worked Step 6. He said I was a bit hasty completing it lat time and he wanted to make sure we have all our bases covered for Step 6. We will be working Step 7 this coming Saturday.
I dropped off my dry cleaning Saturday morning and I noticed a sign that was posted on the window that said, "If you are unemployed, we will dry clean your suit free of charge for interviews." I thought that was amazing. Usually when I see something like that I think that's great in my head and leave it at that but I went inside and told the two people there that what they are doing is really admirable.