Liars Anonymous Community Group
A support group to provide those with a compulsive addiction to lie a place to share hope, strength and courage with others like them; solve our common problem and help others with a compulsion to lie. We aren't alone!
Hello everyone, my name is David and I am a compulsive liar.
Lying has become so engrained in me that I am able to quickly and easily make up lies like it's a natural reflex. Every since I was young, I have lied in one form or another, whether it was to be able to go out and play with my friends after school or saying I enjoyed things when I really didn't just to please the people around me. Fast forward 30 years and I'm still lying.
About six months ago, I met a woman, who in my eyes is, THE WOMAN. I am going to take a moment and quote Sherlock Homes and say, "In his eyes she eclipses and predominates the whole of her sex." To me, the woman that I met and started dating is the soul mate I have been searching for. I fell very deeply in love with her and I still feel the same this very moment. Slowly, but surely I came to lie to her in one way or another, like telling her I'd be at her house in 10 minutes when I just left my house, which is 20 minutes away or that I promised to do something for her, but I never did.
After she caught me lying, I promised I would fix it and stop lying to her. I would truly put forth my best effort and it would last days or weeks until the next time I lied. Each time our relationship became more strained and the wall between us became higher and higher. This last weekend, everything exploded when she found out the secret I had desperately kept from her.
Early in our relationship, my ex-girlfriend had contacted me and I told her I was seeing someone and that she should not contact me anymore. I was at lunch with my girlfriend when my ex called again. Instead of telling my girlfriend at first, I just said it's nobody, but finally told her later. I should have ignored my ex but instead I just contacted her to see what she wanted. She demanded to meet my girlfriend or she would raise all sorts of He** in an effort to find her. I got scared and panicked. At this point in our relationship I thought that it would be best to deal with the situation in secret then hide it. I contacted one of my close female friends and told her about the situation and she told me that I was being a complete jerk and that I need to tell my girlfriend. Realizing I would not get help from her or any of my other close female friends, I hired a someone on the internet to pretend to be my girlfriend. Yes, I really did stoop that low to keep myself from having to tell my girlfriend.
So at the moment, my girlfriend and I are on a break. I have finally been able to admit to her that I am a compulsive liar and that I cannot fight/fix this alone. Yesterday, we met with a psychologist who specializes in behaviors and I am working to understand my problem and find a support group (hence why I am here). Today, we met with a therapist, who is an LMFT (Licensed Marriage Family Therapist) and felt that this would help us work on our relationship. At this point she has absolute no trust in me and questions everything I say, whether it is the truth or not. I have also scheduled an appointment with a psychiatrist to look at my problem from a bio-chemical perspective. I don't know what we'll find but I am a bit nervous about it.
My girlfriend has been extremely supportive and understanding and has given me more chances than I deserve. Lying has destroyed our relationship and it's no one's fault but mine. I am a compulsive liar and I need help. Thank you to everyone here.
To be continued...
Lying has become so engrained in me that I am able to quickly and easily make up lies like it's a natural reflex. Every since I was young, I have lied in one form or another, whether it was to be able to go out and play with my friends after school or saying I enjoyed things when I really didn't just to please the people around me. Fast forward 30 years and I'm still lying.
About six months ago, I met a woman, who in my eyes is, THE WOMAN. I am going to take a moment and quote Sherlock Homes and say, "In his eyes she eclipses and predominates the whole of her sex." To me, the woman that I met and started dating is the soul mate I have been searching for. I fell very deeply in love with her and I still feel the same this very moment. Slowly, but surely I came to lie to her in one way or another, like telling her I'd be at her house in 10 minutes when I just left my house, which is 20 minutes away or that I promised to do something for her, but I never did.
After she caught me lying, I promised I would fix it and stop lying to her. I would truly put forth my best effort and it would last days or weeks until the next time I lied. Each time our relationship became more strained and the wall between us became higher and higher. This last weekend, everything exploded when she found out the secret I had desperately kept from her.
Early in our relationship, my ex-girlfriend had contacted me and I told her I was seeing someone and that she should not contact me anymore. I was at lunch with my girlfriend when my ex called again. Instead of telling my girlfriend at first, I just said it's nobody, but finally told her later. I should have ignored my ex but instead I just contacted her to see what she wanted. She demanded to meet my girlfriend or she would raise all sorts of He** in an effort to find her. I got scared and panicked. At this point in our relationship I thought that it would be best to deal with the situation in secret then hide it. I contacted one of my close female friends and told her about the situation and she told me that I was being a complete jerk and that I need to tell my girlfriend. Realizing I would not get help from her or any of my other close female friends, I hired a someone on the internet to pretend to be my girlfriend. Yes, I really did stoop that low to keep myself from having to tell my girlfriend.
So at the moment, my girlfriend and I are on a break. I have finally been able to admit to her that I am a compulsive liar and that I cannot fight/fix this alone. Yesterday, we met with a psychologist who specializes in behaviors and I am working to understand my problem and find a support group (hence why I am here). Today, we met with a therapist, who is an LMFT (Licensed Marriage Family Therapist) and felt that this would help us work on our relationship. At this point she has absolute no trust in me and questions everything I say, whether it is the truth or not. I have also scheduled an appointment with a psychiatrist to look at my problem from a bio-chemical perspective. I don't know what we'll find but I am a bit nervous about it.
My girlfriend has been extremely supportive and understanding and has given me more chances than I deserve. Lying has destroyed our relationship and it's no one's fault but mine. I am a compulsive liar and I need help. Thank you to everyone here.
To be continued...
anyway i didn't lie about it, i have been slowing down in my conversations with people and taking the time to evaluate what i am about to say. occasionally i will get lazy and say something to blow off the conversation but i catch myself right after and make myself correct it to the person. at work i am keeping to myself.
david: you are human and deserve happiness despite your flaws, which you are working to correct. remember that you have forgiven yourself, dont dwell and look toward making your future the best it can be!
good luck all
e.g.
"alex why didnt you take the garbage out"
"oh i just assumed you would do it"
it's a really easy lie to make to avoid the consequences of things and something i have been doing as a kid. it's time to stop and change, and this is the first time i have admitted that i do this type of lie. i will be watching myself on this too and holding myself accountable. no assumptions.
today is day 6 and i am doing better and better every day. i can't afford to take a day off or i will get complacent and have to start over. it really is managing an addiction, its that serious. thank you!
today is day 7 of honesty for me.
I didn't go to the AA meeting today. My girlfriend and I decided on a 4 day schedule so I do not get burned out and have time to rest because I have to wake up early and drive 15-20 mins to the meetings. Though I miss the group, I think it was a good suggestion from my girlfriend. It's not a race to the finish line and I think the days that I do go will be that much more effective since I'm having AA withdrawals (never thought I would say that). Here's hoping for the best!
i am doing well so far, and i believe it is because i am just taking it one day at a time and not stressing myself out about how i need to be perfect, which ironically is making me more perfect than i have been. i just tell the truth without any expectations and if there are consequences for it i just deal with them. todays day 8 of honesty for me.
i havent been getting enough sleep the last few nights and feel exhausted this morning. but i am up, i am blessed. today is day 9(!) of honesty for me. just need to make it through today. no lies. good luck all.
http://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/en_bigbook_chapt1.pdf
The last two days have been very stressful and very tiring for me. I have been working late and my body is exhausted, but at the end of the day I am still smiling and still feel balanced inside. I feel good about myself and what I am doing at work and with my recovery. I am still taking things one day at a time and do not feel the need to rush my recovery. I am still attending meetings and have weekly sit downs with my sponsor, who has been extremely supportive. I found that I have prayed for just direction and strength to meet my problems as God would will it. I'm not perfect and I will still have a very long way to go in my growth and my struggle. I feel more like I can be proud of who I am and of the things I take interest in without having to feign interest in things I do not enjoy. Slowly, I'm becoming more open with who I really am. One day at a time.
i am proud of my progress but it's small, and i have a long way to go. i am completely exhausted and stressed as i am not taking any time for myself right now in order to truly humble myself, which is incredibly difficult for me to do as i am very selfish. it is causing other problems in my relationship, but at least i am not lying. so i am thankful for that. i have not meditated or prayed the last since two nights ago because i was up late taking care of my fiancee and then up late arguing with her. when you have lied to someone repeatedly, there's really nothing you can say to someone who you've hurt so badly.
i feel a little better this morning and wanted to share with you all the reason why. i found an incredible article online that really gave me a good and simple idea about how to take advantage of my brain. it really helped me understand the How and why on how to change a compulsive behavior/addiction.
http://blogs.psychcentral.com/relationships/2011/08/three-ways-your-brain-adapts-to-change-1-of-3/
one of the biggest lessons i learned is that the brain has 2 modes, and 2 modes only: Learning and Protecting. When you are in learning mode, you are teching yourself how to thrive in life, and the skills you need for that. When your brain is in protective mode, you can't learn. You can't thrive, you are just focused on survival. Sometime in our childhoods we learn when to use each of these mindsets, and that stays with us. for someone like me with social anxiety, i go into protective mode when i feel attacked or uncomfortable. but when i do that, just on instinct/subconscious, i am taking away my growth and my ability to thrive. when i lie to protect myself, i am not putting the same energy, however uncomfortable it may be, into growing and learning. and i have to practice that way of thinking in order to STOP LYING!
3 pages long and really eye opening. made me feel good to read it and see where to focus.
had a long and honest conversation with my fiancee last night, which was tough but good. right now because of the lack of trust she feels like because of the puppy i was when we first met, that i cheated on her sometime in our relationship and i wouldn't ever tell her the truth about that. i am proud of myself because instead of getting upset, defensive, and all that, i actually just listened to her said that i could understand that, and didn't fight her at all. only when she asked me if i was still thinking about the argument later on did i calmly tell her how i was feeling, and why i was feeling that way.
today is day 11 of being honest for me. cheers and good luck all!
today is my 2 year anniversary with my fiancee and we are working thru the emotions of it all. because of how much i have hurt her thru lying, one minute she could be distant from me and detached, the next she could want to cuddle, and the next we could be arguing over something silly and insignificant, that got blown up because she cant trust me. i understand what she is going through, and am no longer fighting it, or getting upset/defensive about it. just going to do what i have to do in terms of my responsibilities towards her and hopefully she stays with me through it all.
my day 12 of being honest. best of luck