Do not gamble. I'm going to get through today. Another day 1. Reading this journal and looking at my life the past 2 months is helping. It answers the question "how did I do this to myself?" because the answer is documented right here. It's a reminder of what that first bet leads to. I wish these debts weren't hanging over my head. 2 months ago they were terrible, but manageable. Now it's exponentially worse. And I know in 2 months it will be even worse if I don't absolutely stop. It must must end. I have to take care of my family. I absolutely cannot let this get any worse. What's done is done. I need to put a stop to this.

No watching the games. No watching the lines. I've got to break this. Today was a tough day at work. Couldn't think straight at all. I know from these past couple months that it gets easier with a couple days free. But once that first bet is placed, it's right back into the routine.

No more first bets. No more delusions. Please. Give me the strength to stop this. Give me the power to move on from this. I'm no longer praying to hit that 3 team parlay. I'm praying for the fortitude to stop, the strength to forge on, the heart to be grateful for what I still have, the wisdom to treat this as a life experience and to learn from it, the values to be a much better father and husband. Today is my reset day.

I feel the same way. I relapsed today and I feel like the most worthless person. I was almost at 90 days gamoling free and I messed up today. I had a bad feeling in my stomach on my way to the casino but I wouldn't say no. No one made me go, I chose to go. How can this cycle end. I lost $600' in an hour and would've lost more if I would've brought it. All I can think about is how to recover my losses tomorrow and how to hide it from my husband. I feel miserable yet still want to go back. How to recover? How to free myself. I have no idea
I will not be defeated and praying that tomorrow I start with day one again. I pray I count my losses as losses and not chase them.
Someone help!!!

I did not gamble yesterday. I woke up this morning stressing about my $70,000 debt. What am I going to do?

I know I can't gamble out of it. This journal shows what happens when I try (from bad, to worse, to this). I'm so dizzy. How can I get through this?

You need to start going to meetings. As many meetings as possible. You me can't do this alone you need support. Take the time you have been gambling and get to a meeting. The first couple are hard but after that you will be glad you went. It helps to be face to face with people who have walked in your shoes. Please get to a meeting.

People have given you lots of things you can do to get through this, but only you can decide to do them. You are fighting for your life here, your sanity, your loved ones, you need to do EVERYTHING and ANYTHING to get well. Meetings, mindfulness, all the things I added in my last post to this thread.
Optimistic25: Please refrain from mentioning specific amounts of money won or lost - specific money amounts are a big trigger for others and sometimes will make you concentrate on the money instead of the process of recovery as the priority.

Getting through Day 2. Having had numerous Day 1's, I find that that Day 2 is the toughest because it's so easy to say "I only have one day under my belt. I'll just go for my big win today and start my recovery again tomorrow." Well if you found this post, and you are on Day 2, DO NOT GAMBLE. Look at me. I'm now an expert at something. I'm an expert at what it's like to keep revisiting Day 1. I'm living proof of what a mistake gambling on Day 2 is. If you don't want to end up like me, then heed my words - "Do not let yourself need another Day 2." Make this your last Day 2. I want this to be my last Day 2. I hope you never suffer the stranglehold that this terrible vice/disease has had on me. I hope you can overcome and rebuild your finances and break your addiction without experiencing the pitfalls that I have so far lived through, I'm on Day 2. As you can see from my prior posts, I've tried and failed. But here's the thing. The same thing that makes me a gambler gives me hope. Yes, I've tried and failed. But I'm going to try again. I'm going to put that crazy optimism that makes me think I can win enough wagers to clear my debts to thinking that I can overcome my gambling addiction, despite my prior failures. I am not wagering today. And if you're reading this post, Do not gamble today. No matter what Day you are on. Look at my prior posts over the last two months. No good will come of it.

Hopefully my mistakes and misfortune will help someone else get on with their life and overcome this horrific demon. And hopefully, someday, I can get through all of this and forgive myself for what I have done to my family.

Woke up hating myself this morning.

That's a horrible feeling, and I'm sorry you're experiencing it. Shame, guilt, safe-hatred...all those feelings are part and parcel of addiction. They can overwhelm us and make us think there's no point in trying to get better. But here's the thing (and it's taken me a really long time to accept this): they are just feelings. And the cheesy-sounding axiom that "no feeling is final" is actually true. Feelings come and go, and they can be survived, although in the moment it might not seem like it. What we can't survive is continuing to gamble. There are a lot of good strategies and tools discussed throughout this post, so I encourage you to keep after it, but don't try to tackle everything at once. What helps me is to acknowledge the feelings--I can't stop them--but then take a breath, focus on doing the next right thing, and slowly recovery takes shape. I have to believe it's worth it.

Day 3 and more depressed than any prior Day 3. No urge to gamble. Sick to my stomach at the thought of gambling. Just want this nightmare to be over. I hate myself. I wish I was dead. I don't want to kill myself, to be clear. I just wish I didn't have to face today, tomorrow, or the next day. I no longer believe in god. No more visits to the church. I hate that this is my life now. Gambling ruined me. Absolutely ruined me. My wife and daughter deserve better. Everyone who knows me deserves better. I'm a waste of space. People work hard to provide for their loved ones. I turn around and squander it all away to online sportsbooks. I'm an idiot, a selfish moron, a horrible human being, and, most of all, a degenerate. My wife, my daughter, my parents, my nieces and nephews, my siblings all deserve better. I wish I was never born. I hate me.

Day 4 and all I feel is regret in the pit of my stomach. Stronger and deeper than it has been before. Having trouble thinking or focusing at work today. Head is spinning. Just want to turn back time.

About to put Day 4 in the books. Finding myself drinking more but gambling less. I was weary of substituting one addiction for another, but I'd rather be an alcoholic than a gambler. All trying to limit my drinking before got me was more gambling debts. Getting through Day 4 gambling free has been made easier with some cocktails. Plus it keeps me from thinking about how badly I've messed my life up.

You can not do anything about the past except maybe learn from it.

It is that very feeling of not wanting to face the mess, today, tomorrow and the next day that is frequently at the core of this addiction. It was for me, which explains why I spent most of four decades recovering from one addiction only to start a new one. It does not matter if it is heroine, alcohol, cocaine, TV, exercise, people or gambling that we are addicted to - all addiction hijacks the dopamine-serotonin system in our bodies. All addiction is defined by doing something to the point that it is interfering in other parts of our lives: we become absent in our own care taking, in dealing with business of work, housekeeping, hygiene, mental health, physical health, maintenance of family and friendship ties and neglect those we love as well as our own needs. It is seems necessary at the time to keep the single shred of sanity we have left, having a outlet, and to stave off committing suicide but. it is always unhealthy. The only healthy way to deal with life is to be present for it, (not drunk, high or full of dopamine), showing up to care about others, doing the verb part of love for others and ourselves. True love is a verb - we must demonstrate it- prove it to those we love and to our own selves. As adults we must get past blame, and concern ourselves with where we are in reality and what is the next best thing to be done. You have another opportunity to be a better person with each new day.
You can give up and give in which is easier in the short run - but certainly hell in the long run, as you are clearly demonstrating with this 2 month long thread, but you make real change by doing the work to become present in your own life. To examine each and every thought, feeling and action as to it's healthiness or unhealthiness is a path to mindfulness and making conscious decisions about what your next action or inaction will be. You must do the work. Have you written a goodbye letter yet? Have you started a relapse prevention plan? Have you written out other things you can do besides gamble? Have you written out what you REALLY value in life? (Your marriage, your child, your freedom, your sanity, perhaps?) Have you sought out ways to meditate, be creative, be grateful, or listened to any Louise Hay on How to Love yourself? If you don't save yourself, no one else can.
There is no shame in quitting over and over again, the alternative is to never quit or have any hope of quitting if you never try or give up trying.
Suicide is a serious issue among gamblers attempting recovery, it would be a good idea to talk to someone about it when you feel that way - and keep the suicide hotline number nearby: 1- 800-273-8255.
Don't give up. Hang in there, it can be done. You must do the work.

"There is no shame in quitting over and over again..." Thank you for saying that. I needed to hear that.

Day 5. Still feeling the regret and frustration of having repeatedly failed to quit. But with each failed effort I add something new - a new barrier, a new outlet, a new support effort, a new distraction. At least I'm trying and that has to be worth something.

Getting through Day 5 and trying to focus on how it could be worse in 2 months rather than how much better things were two months ago (and 2 months before that, and 2 months before that...)

The first step to moving in a positive direction is to stop moving in a negative. Something Skip posted stuck with me - not to be in a hurry to fix everything. First stop the slide, then start working on the debt.

5 days down. Hoping I can post a 30 day celebratory post on the July 4th holiday.

Hang tough Zebra and the number one thing you can do to lower your stress is DO NOT look at the lines. All that made me do was want to pick the game. Even mind-betting will eventually make you relapse. Forget about the damn games, they are just games,nothing more. Part of our problem sport betting was our desire to be right about our pick. At times that was more important than the money. So please stay away from the damn betting lines and give yourself a fair chance. Everything else will start falling into place as you abstain from gambling. You can do this if you start believing again in yourself and start making things right for your family. God Bless