day 6 is FANTASTIC!!

Love your positive affirmations. i'm sorry you are depressed. YOU WILL BE OK!!

here for you

btw, when you said you got your tesol back in the day , i was thinking YEARS AGO but then I looked on your profile and you are my age!! haha

HUGS

I hope everyone here can count their blessings after the horrible shooting in Colorado. I know I definitely am.

Today is....... DAY ONE AGAIN. I had 6 days totally pull free.

But then I had two days in which I didn't *technically* pull, but I played with my hair so much (ie, twisting it) that I made these damn knots I could not untangle them without ripping them out. SORRY TRISH....... THAT STILL COUNTS!

I am happy because I still have basically not **plucked ** any hairs from my head since June 28. But the twisting and chewing of my hair is still playing with fire. I am being strict with myself and restarting my count when that happens.

BooYah, it's hard with depression, however, natural movement seems to be the best method to getting it to disappear.

You're strong, you can do this, and restarts help, just know you're not alone with this!

Hugs, and keep at it!!!!

aRRGH, I am having so many urges and am really struggling to keep my hand from twisting at my hair!

Gotta make it to 12.30 without touching head......

keep going missy.. we are all here rooting for you !!

Ahhhh, the last three days I haven't been *technically* pulling out hair, but I have been twisting knots and biting them off. Guess what Trish....... THAT STILL COUNTS!!!!

I wrote a heartfelt letter to my hair pulling disorder this evening, because "personalizing" your disorder (I picture Trich as a mean, ugly monster) is helpful to me.

I published the letter on the Trichworld blog and I am reposting here because it sums up, very honestly, a lot of my feelings.

**************************************MY LETTER TO TRICH***************************************


I love you.
No one understands our relationship.
It's our little secret.
You do such a good job at comforting me. Sometimes it feels like you are the only who can.
Turning to you is such a giant relief.
We've been friends and partners for so long...
Remember all those good times we shared together? I would be freaking out about phone calls I was procrastinating, or essays, or final exams, and you would always be there for me.
Oh, I won't bother talking about how much I love you to my family or friends. The anonymity of the Internet is safe enough. No one who knows me in my *real* life would *really* understand. They would just judge us, or try to break us apart. Encourage me to take up "healthier" anxiety-relieving activities, like squeezing one of those rubber stress balls or something.
I would NEVER leave you for a stress ball.
Oh, sometimes I try to quit you. I do. I try so hard.
And then when I turn to you again, oh wow. It's like, this is my crack. We are star-crossed lovers! We are best friends! If I am feeling sad, or shitty, or overwhelmed, that *pop* of the hair snapping off between my fingers, the feel of the hair against my teeth or mouth (oh, I'm sorry reader, does my imagery disgust you? See trich, I knew they wouldn't understand)... it's like the equivalent to 10,000 stress relief massages given to me at once by an army of Zen Buddhist monks.
Ahhhhh! The relief! I don't have to confront whatever it is I don't want to confront! I don't have to ignore the ongoing conversation in my head that says, wow, you are such a failure, wow, have you ever stopped and objectively considered how lazy and underachieving you are, how much of an ingrate you are, how much of a time-waster and unproductive citizen of the planet?
Thanks Trich! Thanks to you, I get to listen to those voices, all the live-long day, la, la, la, and you give me all the moral support I need to just listen to them and silently suffer.
So...
Wait.
Wait a minute...
Trich.
Or "Trichotillomania ," if I am forced to look up your full name and copy-paste it from Google because I'm not sure how many "t's" and "l's" it has.
You know what?
Fuck you.
Seriously.
Kiss my ass.
You have done NOTHING for me in these past 15-odd years (maybe we have known each other longer than that. I don't even know when I started pulling).
You are just.... USELESS to me.
You are not helpful.
We are breaking up. It's not you, it's me. Actually, you know what? It is you, you piece-of-shit of an anxiety disorder.
Probably deep in my heart I will always love you and I will miss you whenever I am sad, lonely, stressed, or writing (which is probably how I feel 50 percent of the time).
And whenever I hear those voices saying, oh my god, you are such a Fail Failure!! I will think of you, and wish that I could turn to you to comfort me.
But honestly...
I have been trying to be pull-free for about a month now (you still sneak up behind me and cause me to chew my hair, or twist it into knots, you bastard). And frankly my life is more sane without you and your little secret rituals. I am in my late 20s and I want to go to the hairdresser and get a perm, or maybe a blow dry, or maybe a trim.... JUST BECAUSE I FEEL IT!! WHEN was the last time I was able to walk into a hairdresser's and ask for "just a trim," just because I feel like it? I think.... NEVER!!! All thanks to you!
Trich, you are just mean and stupid. I will probably have to keep fighting you for fuck knows how long, just to finally get you out of my damn life. I will probably have slip ups and you will point your finger and cackle at me. To which I say....
BITCH PLEASE!!!!!!

wow. you really can write :)
i like it!! not willing to admit i love trich though hahaha

did i tell u my baby sis used to twist her hair too?

keep trying

HUGS

Trish I think this is the best thing I've ever read! Perfectly conveys my love-hate-love-hate feelings towards trich. The world doesn't understand it, but we CERTAINLY do!! thanks for sharing this!

I love this!!!. Good for you.

PS
You are obviously not a failure, if you have the humour & skill to write this, so you can tell those voices to f*%k off as well.

Lolz, oh trish. Hehe you're great.

I enjoyed writing my Trish letter, it really does sum up so many of my feelings. I'm really glad other people FEEL THE SAME WAY and that we have these networks on the Internet where I can discover that and feel LESS ALONE.

I think I am still doing pretty well but my vigilance has been SLIPPING. Yesterday I had my first unconscious pull thanks to this horrible godawful work project (I have pulled out so much hair over this damn project. I thought I was done with it in April, but NO, it still comes back to haunt me). Unconscious pulls are crap.

I have also been really sloppy about twisting strands of my hair into such bad knots that the only way to detangle them is to bite them out. Also concerning is I have also caught myself doing my ritual a couple of times --- playing with the knot, chewing it. Damn, it is amazing how fast the habits can come back!!!

That being said, this is nowhere close to being a "relapse." I am just not being as strict with myself with the hair chewing as I could be. I need to use my barrier (my scarf) to chew on, that works really well. Yes, I literally wrap up my mouth, like a mummy, to prevent myself from messing from my hair.

Anyway, today I only had to deal with 2 knots, but I hope to make it til 2 p.m. pull free. HERE WE GO. If I make it through the whole rest of the day, I GET AN ICE CREAM. I think I need to get better about giving myself rewards. I've basically made it through a month practically pull-free but haven't really treated myself with anything! I bought myself a McDonald's chocolate ice cream to celebrate my one-year anniversary of quittng smoking. HOW PITIFUL IS THAT? In my defense, I am abroad and don't really know where to go to get delicious sundaes.....

Anyway, an ice cream will taste good at the end of today.....

Oof I know what you mean. It starts off as ok, but can very quickly slide out of control into full blown pulling. Best to have a zero tolerance policy, for me at least, but ack it's hard!

So you're working while overseas? Please tell me how you access the internet, do you have a good set-up?

Yes, you need a better reward than a McDonalds icecream. How about a cheeseburger ;) Ugh I love them (I take the meat out and put chips inside).

You can do it, 2pm go go!

uuuuurgh, I made it to 2 pm, but then this evening I pulled a hair and chewed out some knots. This shit is SLIDING OUT OF CONTROL. What happened??? I am not being vigilant enough with myself!!

Sam, I have awesome Internet, both a blessing (I can do my work) and a curse (I can procrastinate).

CHIP BURGER SOUNDS DELICIOUS!!!

Oh boo!! I know what you mean about the spiral. Nip it in the bud! Get all your barriers out. Vigilance.....

Trish but specifically how do you access it when overseas. Eg do you use the internet on your plan on your Ipad, or do you stay in hotels with awesome wifi.. or what?

I'd kill for a cheeseburger right now.

Ha ha I just stay at apartments with wifi. Internet is everywhere.... No ipad for me!

Was pull free yesterday then pulled a year just now because I got stressed out thinking about how my boyfriend has not contacted me for almost 48 hours. Dating busy guys sucks. It really makes me wonder if I am not better off alone, since I feel alone most of the time anyway.