OneLoveStruggle

About Me

Just joined (20.05.20) as I need support from people who understand. I am an empath by nature and want to also offer support to others. I am at breaking point, as I cannot believe how heartbreaking my life has become. I have never felt so alone and sadness overwhelms me. I have CPTSD due to ongoing trauma from birth. I was raised in the ' care system' , which was not very caring and suffered years of sexual abuse. I reported this but was ignored. I do not possess one photograph of me as a child or young adult. I I have five adult children from abusive relationships. In turn they have suffered trauma, through DV, many home moves, Courts and lack of finances as I struggled to raise them on my own. My eldest son is deaf without speech and we communicate using BSL. My other children no longer contact. In later years I would binge drink which my children witnessed on occasion. I was working but at times would need to get out the pain. During this I would scream, sob and at times get angry. My children were older and generally disrespected me at times calling me the same names their father would use, "ape, insecure, stupid, dumb arse, crap mother, your just insecure, greedy,, your mad" and would wreck my home. When of working age,, only one later would contribute. I became exhausted. I felt as though I was being re abused. I supported all through college, two achieved degrees and all have done well. Due to my binge drinking four have now cut me off. I have apologised for the trauma I have caused as it must have been painful for them to see their mothers emotional behaviors. I know I am not fully to blame but do understand as they also experienced the additional traumas of their childhood. It has all become so negative that reconciliation is impossible. Interestingly however all have reconciled with their fathers, which is a difficult pill to swallow, as they too made mistakes. I have one granddaughter whom I don't see. I found one brother on Genes reunited but He sadly passed away from cancer within one year of meeting. I was His carer. My youngest brother found me and we get on well. He is a manager for a care home and I worry that I may lose Him also, due to Coronavirus. I am passionate about the environment and struggle with the injustices I see around the world. I very often feel like I do not belong and am at times fragile. I am grieving at losing my children and the dream of a loving family unit. I am trying to accept this but it is difficult as people I knew have cut me off. I am judged and questioned as to why I have lost them. I believe this is like a wolf pack mentality. People have extended family, fathers, mothers, children and grandchildren. They post so many photos for example on facebook, especially now with the pandemic. I have none to post. I used to until mine cut me off and would get responses. Now I get none. People are now seeing me as Billy no mates and dont bother with my posts. They no longer message or call. I am seen as the problem, the causation, the one that must have done something terribly wrong. Today has been the worst in that my eldest son uses BSL. We have a very close bond as I am the only family member that learnt BSL and advocate for deaf people. We use video chat. His father refused to learn, blamed me for his Sons disability. That I was a curse. This attitude passed onto His brothers. They have not once visited Him in His flat for 12 years. Recently his sister began videoing Him using written and fingerspelling. I tried for years to teach them but they refused. Since last week my Son has stopped communication. I dont know what has happened. Our bond has always been strong and I am now heart broken. I am trying to hold onto my sanity and found this site. I read some comments and supportive responses and cried, as all are trying like me to cope and find some relief and happiness.