Liars Anonymous Community Group
A support group to provide those with a compulsive addiction to lie a place to share hope, strength and courage with others like them; solve our common problem and help others with a compulsion to lie. We aren't alone!
Hello everyone, my name is David and I am a compulsive liar.
Lying has become so engrained in me that I am able to quickly and easily make up lies like it's a natural reflex. Every since I was young, I have lied in one form or another, whether it was to be able to go out and play with my friends after school or saying I enjoyed things when I really didn't just to please the people around me. Fast forward 30 years and I'm still lying.
About six months ago, I met a woman, who in my eyes is, THE WOMAN. I am going to take a moment and quote Sherlock Homes and say, "In his eyes she eclipses and predominates the whole of her sex." To me, the woman that I met and started dating is the soul mate I have been searching for. I fell very deeply in love with her and I still feel the same this very moment. Slowly, but surely I came to lie to her in one way or another, like telling her I'd be at her house in 10 minutes when I just left my house, which is 20 minutes away or that I promised to do something for her, but I never did.
After she caught me lying, I promised I would fix it and stop lying to her. I would truly put forth my best effort and it would last days or weeks until the next time I lied. Each time our relationship became more strained and the wall between us became higher and higher. This last weekend, everything exploded when she found out the secret I had desperately kept from her.
Early in our relationship, my ex-girlfriend had contacted me and I told her I was seeing someone and that she should not contact me anymore. I was at lunch with my girlfriend when my ex called again. Instead of telling my girlfriend at first, I just said it's nobody, but finally told her later. I should have ignored my ex but instead I just contacted her to see what she wanted. She demanded to meet my girlfriend or she would raise all sorts of He** in an effort to find her. I got scared and panicked. At this point in our relationship I thought that it would be best to deal with the situation in secret then hide it. I contacted one of my close female friends and told her about the situation and she told me that I was being a complete jerk and that I need to tell my girlfriend. Realizing I would not get help from her or any of my other close female friends, I hired a someone on the internet to pretend to be my girlfriend. Yes, I really did stoop that low to keep myself from having to tell my girlfriend.
So at the moment, my girlfriend and I are on a break. I have finally been able to admit to her that I am a compulsive liar and that I cannot fight/fix this alone. Yesterday, we met with a psychologist who specializes in behaviors and I am working to understand my problem and find a support group (hence why I am here). Today, we met with a therapist, who is an LMFT (Licensed Marriage Family Therapist) and felt that this would help us work on our relationship. At this point she has absolute no trust in me and questions everything I say, whether it is the truth or not. I have also scheduled an appointment with a psychiatrist to look at my problem from a bio-chemical perspective. I don't know what we'll find but I am a bit nervous about it.
My girlfriend has been extremely supportive and understanding and has given me more chances than I deserve. Lying has destroyed our relationship and it's no one's fault but mine. I am a compulsive liar and I need help. Thank you to everyone here.
To be continued...
Lying has become so engrained in me that I am able to quickly and easily make up lies like it's a natural reflex. Every since I was young, I have lied in one form or another, whether it was to be able to go out and play with my friends after school or saying I enjoyed things when I really didn't just to please the people around me. Fast forward 30 years and I'm still lying.
About six months ago, I met a woman, who in my eyes is, THE WOMAN. I am going to take a moment and quote Sherlock Homes and say, "In his eyes she eclipses and predominates the whole of her sex." To me, the woman that I met and started dating is the soul mate I have been searching for. I fell very deeply in love with her and I still feel the same this very moment. Slowly, but surely I came to lie to her in one way or another, like telling her I'd be at her house in 10 minutes when I just left my house, which is 20 minutes away or that I promised to do something for her, but I never did.
After she caught me lying, I promised I would fix it and stop lying to her. I would truly put forth my best effort and it would last days or weeks until the next time I lied. Each time our relationship became more strained and the wall between us became higher and higher. This last weekend, everything exploded when she found out the secret I had desperately kept from her.
Early in our relationship, my ex-girlfriend had contacted me and I told her I was seeing someone and that she should not contact me anymore. I was at lunch with my girlfriend when my ex called again. Instead of telling my girlfriend at first, I just said it's nobody, but finally told her later. I should have ignored my ex but instead I just contacted her to see what she wanted. She demanded to meet my girlfriend or she would raise all sorts of He** in an effort to find her. I got scared and panicked. At this point in our relationship I thought that it would be best to deal with the situation in secret then hide it. I contacted one of my close female friends and told her about the situation and she told me that I was being a complete jerk and that I need to tell my girlfriend. Realizing I would not get help from her or any of my other close female friends, I hired a someone on the internet to pretend to be my girlfriend. Yes, I really did stoop that low to keep myself from having to tell my girlfriend.
So at the moment, my girlfriend and I are on a break. I have finally been able to admit to her that I am a compulsive liar and that I cannot fight/fix this alone. Yesterday, we met with a psychologist who specializes in behaviors and I am working to understand my problem and find a support group (hence why I am here). Today, we met with a therapist, who is an LMFT (Licensed Marriage Family Therapist) and felt that this would help us work on our relationship. At this point she has absolute no trust in me and questions everything I say, whether it is the truth or not. I have also scheduled an appointment with a psychiatrist to look at my problem from a bio-chemical perspective. I don't know what we'll find but I am a bit nervous about it.
My girlfriend has been extremely supportive and understanding and has given me more chances than I deserve. Lying has destroyed our relationship and it's no one's fault but mine. I am a compulsive liar and I need help. Thank you to everyone here.
To be continued...
After talking with my girlfriend last night, I realized that not only was this a lie to everyone around me but also to myself. I have low self esteem/worth when it comes to myself. It took me a while to get my bachelors degree and I felt that as a male who is the head of household I should have been doing better at my age (32 now). This closed minded mentality and pride that I have is part of the problem.
After my girlfriend and I talked last night she hasn't contacted me since. She felt like we had to go through the whole thing again where she is the sheriff and I'm the bad guy. I can see where she is coming from. Am I being defensive when I think that during our conversation last night, I was honest with what was going on? I did tell one lie to her and about a minute later I told her it was a lie and then I told her the truth. I don't want to take the same stand I have before and try to defend myself and my actions or make excuses for them. I want to openly communicate with her and answer her honestly when she asks me questions. Is there something wrong with me when I couldn't tell her about this, rather then her having to drag it out of me with questions?
I did have a talk with her brother last night and was honest about what was going on with my finances. He was supportive and told me that he was glad I talked to him about this and my lying problem.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W7bRGzFt2oE
Congratulations for your decision to address this problem. I know, for me, I had to deal with the shame of (almost) getting caught before I joined this group. If it is any help, I am working on trying not to talk about other people. If I don't talk about them, I can't lie about them. It's a first step. Things did get very complicated for you. A possible suggestion is to look into some assertiveness training so you feel more comfortable with saying NO to manipulative people. This is a very difficult problem, and I sometimes have difficulty owning up to how serious it can be. Good luck with your counseling. Glad you are here.
Alsome - Thank you, I am glad to be here, I really am. I have not thought about that. I will bring that up with my therapist and see if there are any assertiveness training programs I can go to.
How are you doing this week?
I've been doing good this week. I started a new job this week. I was tempted to lie to make myself look better in front of my collegaues three times but stopped myself. I told them the truth that I couldn't do what they were looking for and they said ok, no problem. It's really does feel so much better to just tell the truth and not try to exaggerate or lie about my abilities. I even asked one director who I met with if there was anything I should look at and slowly research because I didn't have any experience in that particular area.
My co-workers and boss have been a great help as well. My boss is very easy to talk to and get along with. He does not micromanage and trusts his employees to finish their tasks. I've been asking questions when I'm unsure and want to make sure I understand everything I'm being taught.
When I talked with my psychiatrist, I told him I felt that my lying comes from self esteem issues. I have been working on improving my self esteem. I started listening to the audio book, "The Six Pillars of Self Esteem.' Also, being at work has helped with my self esteem as well. I feel like a team there and I'm trying my best to be humble.
It's weird, I was working out at the gym this morning and I was listening to 'Let It Go,' the song in the movie Frozen. I feel like alot of the lyrics really resonated with me and my lying problem. I wanted to highlight a few lyrics I related to.
A kingdom of isolation,
And it looks like I'm the queen (king).
When I lie, it feels like I'm so isolated, a king in my kingdom of lies.
The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside
Couldn't keep it in, heaven knows I tried!
I felt like I couldn't keep from lying even though I tried.
Don't let them in, don't let them see
Be the good girl (boy) you always have to be
I felt like this, trying to be the 'perfect' person in from of my family.
Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know
Well, now they know!
This was how it was before when I lied and now my family and my girlfriend knows I lied.
Let it go, let it go
Can't hold it back anymore
Let it go, let it go
Turn away and slam the door!
I don't care
What they're going to say
Let the storm rage on,
The cold never bothered me anyway!
This is how I feel now. I"m letting go of all the lies and I am going to be myself.
And the fears that once controlled me
Can't get to me at all!
This is how I feel right now, like all my fears about not being the perfect person can't catch up to me at all.
Here I stand
In the light of day
Let the storm rage on,
The cold never bothered me anyway!
I feel like I'm standing in the daylight for the first time and I'm not letting lying beat me.
Our therapist said it best. Shame is good, but too much shame is bad. I never thought about it that way before. It's true that shame makes me feel bad and want to change, but too much shame is really detrimental. I think it all comes back to self esteem in some way. I lied a lot in my personal life because I was ashamed of who I was. If I find any other good self esteem books, I'll be sure to post them here.
Congrats for your new job and for admitting that you have lied a lot.
I am exactly in the same situation as you, but I don't work because I am still a student.
I have meet a great girl about 7 months ago, and she is an amazing person who makes me feel very happy all the time. My eyes only on her and I look at other girl like they are men not girls LOL.
I have lied to this girl a lot more than you can imagine. Despite many students told her that she should stay away from me because I am a liar, she didn't believe them and stood by my side. Three weeks ago, she found pout about my lies from by a mistake from me. I had to tell her about everything I lied about and that hurt her so much and she left me for three days. After that she decided to give me a chance because she knows that I love her so much. However, there is a wall between us that is growing up everyday, and that makes me feel very terrible about my self for being a liar. I would do anything to make things up with her.
I am meeting the school therapist these days and he is helping me to stop telling lies to people.
This girl used to spend all the time with me at university, and we talk all night long on the phone, but now she is walking with other people who she doesn't even like in order to stay away from me. She is doing that because she doesn't want students to see her walking with a liar. I know she loves me too, and she cares about me a lot, but the wall is still growing up :( we are so close to each other, and she is being hurt because of stay away from me.
I don't know what to do. I am working on myself in order not to lie to anyone, but I am not feeling good because I am losing the most important person in my life. I don't want to lose her because I love her so much :(
PS. I also hired a girl to support a lie I told to the girl whom I love.
I really need some help because i can't focus on my classes and I am feeling lost.
Thanks for posting about your jobs. I try to anticipate situations in my life where I may be tempted to lie and bathe them in prayer ahead of time asking for help from God to make me aware if I am about to lie or to convict me immediately if I do. I am just beginning a new job search and had totally forgotten how easy it is to stretch the truth (lie) about one's abilities when interviewing for a position, or to lie during that period after getting a job when you are trying to impress your new boss and co-workers. Reading you post reminded me of this and now I will be attuned to this temptation.
-Larry
I love her :(
I've been very good at work. Things I can accomplish, I say I can. Things I can't, I say no and that I'll need time. Things that I don't know about, I ask a lot of questions and take notes. My boss has been supportive. Him and a few of the directors have said I have been doing a really good job. It makes me feel better about myself, but that's something I am worried about and am not sure how to tackle yet. Even though it's helping my self esteem and helping me build confidence again, I don't want to seek praise. I want to get to the point where a compliment is just that and not some sort of self esteem booster. Though I haven't thought/felt like every compliment is a self esteem booster, it still feels like a crutch.
Right now I feel like my foundation needs some rebuilding. I'm working on it, realizing who I am without being ashamed of the things that make up myself. For example, I like comics. I collected them when I was a kid and then lost interest in them until the end of last year. I've didn't make that fact very obvious and it makes me hide who I am. I feel ok now saying that I like comics. I think it all goes back to feel like I am living in my own kingdom when I lie. No one else is privy to the real me. I don't want that anymore. I want to be proud of myself and what I accomplish.
Right now, my girlfriend and I are on a break. She doesn't know if she wants to continue with this relationship yet. About a week or so ago I realized I can't be selfish and keep trying to force her to be with me. I am more understanding than when I was before and have put more thought into how she feels. Though I am happy to give her the space she wants, it does hurt me inside when I am not with her. She has been patient and understanding. I honestly couldn't hope for someone better, not do I want anyone besides her. It's moments like this that I know how much she means to me and how much I love her. She's really the center of my world, she stabilizes me and I'm at peace when I'm with her. She can be a major hard a** but I know she only means well. I feel lonely when I'm not with her and it's sad. I feel especially sad today. I've accepted the fact we can never go back to the way it was before, but I have faith that if we get through this, things can be better.
Sorry if these entries are so long. I feel like this thread is my journal where I can express and share what I'm feeling inside and the real me.