I called my wife today and told her I was bringing home a penguin as a pet.

Well, she said, that shit ain't gonna fly.

i hope i have enough brain cells left to remember that joke, joe. pretty damn good..

WALKS INTO A BAR... NOT READY TO GO HOME

A guy walks into a bar and asks for a beer. He chugs it, looks into his pocket and asks for another beer. He chugs that beer, looks into his pocket and asks for another.

The man does this a few more times until the bartender asks, "How come you ask for a beer, chug it, then look in your pocket?"

The man says, "Because there is a picture of my wife in my pocket and I'm gonna keep drinking till she looks good enough for me to go home."

We were so poor growing up, we went to Kentucky Fried Chicken to lick other peoples fingers!!

What do you do when your old lady is staggering around the back yard? Shoot her again!!!

What did one snowman say to the other snowman?

Why does it smell like carrots out here?

Why should you never make fun of a fat girl with a lisp?

Because she's probably thick and tired of it.

A farmer grabbed a bucket and went down to his pond to pick apples off of his trees surrounding the pond. When he gets to the pond, he noticing two ladies skinny dipping in it. They yell out to him, "Please don't make us get out of the water, we're naked." The farmer yelled back, "No worries, I just came to feed my alligator."

I'm in big trouble after Valentine's Day

I bought my wife a new belt and a bag.

I really thought she'd appreciate the vacuum
cleaner working better.

A suicidal woman was getting ready to jump off a bridge.
A homeless man came up and said, since your going to
kill yourself anyway, think you could have sex with me 1st?
She said NO you damn sicko freak!!! He said that's OK,
I'll just go down and wait till you hit bottom!!!!

Rivka Baumgarten tottered into a lawyer's office. "I vant
a divorce."

"A divorce?!?"

"You hoid me, sonny! A divorce."

"Mrs. Baumgarten. How old are you?"

"Ninety."

"And your husband?"

"Irving? Ninety-two next month."

"And how long have you been married?"

"Tomorrow, 70 years"

"Seventy years? Why ... why a divorce now?"

"Enough is enough."

From The Onion

http://www.theonion.com/articles/increasing-number-of-men-pressured-to-accept-reali,35685/

Q: What do you get when you play Tug-of-War with a pig?
A: Pulled-Pork

Kevin walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had.

Kevin said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medical ins number & told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Kevin what he had....
Kevin said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history & told Kevin to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in & asked Kevin what he had. Kevin said, 'Shingles..' So the nurse gave Kevin a blood test,a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, & told Kevin to take off all his clothes & wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in & found Kevin sitting patiently in the nude & asked Kevin what he had.

Kevin said, 'Shingles.' The doctor asked, 'Where?'


Kevin said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??'

A man walked into a bar and sat down, and ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer, he heard a soothing voice say nice tie! Looking around, he noticed that the bar was empty except for himself and the bartender at the end of the bar. A few sips later the voice said beautiful shirt.
At this, the man called the bartender over. HeyI must be losing my mind, he told the bartender. I keep hearing these voices saying nice things, and theres not a soul in here but us.
Its the peanuts, answered the bartender.
Say what?
You heard me, said the barkeep. Its the peanuts theyre complimentary.