LOL beachymom

A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over the policeman says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?" The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"

An old man and old woman got married and went on their honeymoon. They were in bed getting ready to have sex for the first time and the old woman said, "I should tell you I have acute angina." The old man says, "I hope so. You sure don't have cute tits."

Late one night a burglar broke into a house and while he was sneaking around he heard a voice say, "Jesus is watching you." He looked around and saw nothing. He kept on creeping and again heard, "Jesus is watching you." In a dark corner, he saw a cage with a parrot inside. The burglar asked the parrot, "Was it you who said Jesus is watching me" The parrot replied, "Yes." Relieved, the burglar asked, "What is your name?" The parrot said, "Clarence." The burglar said, "That's a stupid name for a parrot. What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot answered, "The same idiot that named the rottweiler Jesus."

disturbing but funny.


http://theoatmeal.com/comics/captain_higgins

Did you hear about the baby boy that was born last week without any eyelids?

The doctors were able to circumcise him, and used the foreskin to make eyelids.

They say he will be just fine, however he might be a bit cockeyed.

I logged on looking for this thread and it's front page.

ASHES TO ASHES

This guy dies and his wife gets him cremated. She takes the ashes home and lays them out on the table and starts talking to them.

"You know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money. You know the new car you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money."

Then she whispers, "You know that blowjob I promised you? Well, here it comes..."


Happy Friday y'all.

The Hokey Pokey - Shakespeare style!

O proud left foot, that ventures quick within
Then soon upon a backward journey lithe.
Anon, once more the gesture, then begin:
Command sinistral pedestal to writhe.
Commence thou then the fervid Hokey-Poke,
A mad gyration, hips in wanton swirl.
To spin! A wilde release from Heavens yoke.
Blessed dervish! Surely canst go, girl.
The Hoke, the poke banish now thy doubt
Verily, I say, 'tis what it's all about.
by "William Shakespeare"

LITTLE JOHNNY... FASCINATE

A teacher asks her students to give her a sentence with the word "fascinate" in it. A little girl says, "Walt Disney World is fascinating."

The teacher says, "No, I said, 'fascinate.'"

Another little girl says, "There's so much fascination when it comes to sea life."

The teacher again says, "No, the word is fascinate."

Little Johnny yells from the back of the room, "My mom has such big boobs that she can only fasten eight of the 10 buttons on her shirt."

Rob Ford is going to rehab.

Ooops, wasn't finished...

http://globalnews.ca/news/1305933/watch-rob-ford-once-again-subject-of-late-night-wisecracks/

I saw that Bex on the Daily Show last night. Another crack smoking video. OMG did you see the lady taking over as interim Mayor? Jon had a funny clip of her kneeling in the grass yelling like a crazy person at some people what a hoot 'n shit.

Ziggy Marley is sooooo cool. Just saw him on Real Time. Fun show but given the choice I'd recommend The Daily Show for laughs.

Here's a bad joke.

Just heard we've now spent one trillion dollars on the war on drugs and we've arrested 37 million on non-violent offenses in the U.S.

The female golfer came in from her round on the course. The golf pro asked her how she did.

"Terrible. I got stung by a wasp!"

"Where'd it sting you?"

"Between the first and second hole."

"Well I can tell you right off, your stance is too wide."