An elderly couple Pauline & Frank were recently attending a church service at their retirement village. About halfway through the service, Pauline took pen and paper out of her purse, and wrote a note and handed it to Frank. The note said:" I just silently passed a lot of gas, what do you think I should do?" Frank scribbled back: "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

I got one...girl says something so outrageously inappropriate to an abusive misogynist in a position at power at work yesterday. She has no idea what the fall out will be and is in mortal terror of facing work today, so she puts on her nicest skirt and sweater hoping that she will still have a job....

to be continued...

A guy walks into his shrink wrapped in saran wrap and says
doc I'm feeling kinda strange today!! Doc says well, I can
clearly see your NUTS!!!!

We were so poor growing up, that we went to KFC to lick
other peoples fingers!!!

OZITTA - you get my prize for making me LAUGH OUT LOUD!!

S/he has a beautiful body and a face to protect it!


(Heard somebody say that once about another. It's mean but I laughed so damn hard).

The receptionist knocked on the psychiatrist's office door late one afternoon.

"Sir, there's a gentleman in the waiting room asking for an emergency appointment. He claims to be the Invisible Man."

"Just tell him I can't see him right now."

You know your drinking to much when the back of your head
keeps getting DOINKED with the toilet seat!!!

Ozzie, I would hold your hair back.

Dentist: "Ma'am, you're gonna need two root canals, three cavities filled, plus an extraction."

"Oh my God, I'd sooner have a baby than to go through all of that!"

"Well make up your mind lady, I gotta adjust the chair."

An Australian, an Irishman and a Newfie are in a bar. They're staring at another man. Suddenly the Irishman says, 'It's Jesus!' Sure enough,it is Jesus, nursing a pint. Thrilled, they send him over a pint Of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a Bottle of Molson Canadian.
Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.
After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.
He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement, 'My God! the arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!'
Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock. 'Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's a miracle.'
Jesus then approaches the Newfie who knocks over a chair and a table in trying to get away from the Son of God. 'What's wrong, my son?' asked Jesus.
The Newfie shouts, 'Fuck off, I'm on workers compensation.'

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.

After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"

The third fellow says "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."

The first two guys were amazed. "What happened then?" they asked. "She said, 'get out from under the bed and fight like a man'."

LOL. peaceful!!!

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's butt and say, 'Lets do it!' And, she's always sound asleep."

Thanks Oso, I really needed to smile this morning!! Trying to think of a bad joke, guess i'll get back here later... lol