I think you really need to talk to an attorney and a counselor. This is what I did when I kicked my lying, cheating ex to the curb.

My attorney, who practiced for over 30 years said to me, "No one leaves a good marriage suddenly unless there is someone waiting in the wings." She said in 30 years this has been the case 99% of the time. Hate to say this, but you need to prepare yourself.

My ex also told me he "loved me like a sister." Ouch!! And yes, he was a cheater.

Get an attorney and a counselor asap. Big hugs!

There should be an extra penalty for the cowards that not only do it, but then try to cover it up or lie by omission.

Just tell the truth and don't be sneaky.

I was actually watching the show "cheaters" yesterday. What astounded me the most was the capacity of people to still try and deny it, even after confronted by cameras. The lies and self righteous "how dare you's" continued until they were actually hit with incriminating video. Just incredible.

I heard this too. No cheating, no abuse, no addictions. It was years of stress, not being able to recover in between each stressor, and the damage that caused to his self esteem. Not being able to provide for his family, to be a man. It snowballed into MLC. He is still trying to figure himself out. It is so painful to hear and a cop-out. Figure your shit out. Hugs to all!!!

What is MLC? (I'm acronym-challenged, to say the least!)

MLC = mid life crisis.

"It was years of stress, not being able to recover in between each stressor,"

This sentence from your comment jumped out at me, Jen. I think that just this topic alone is worthy of many discussions about how to keep this from happening so that relationships stay fresh.

I think in my case (she said the same thing to me) it has a lot to do with her capacity to forgive. She can't, She has kept a tally of all the mistakes I have made, attached/ projected my intent onto those and used it against me.
the way that I look at it is, She has lied to me. I feel like she hasn't been truthful about her feelings for a long time. I wish that wasn't true, but that is how it seems.
I think it is a cop out, we had lots of problems but I think she probably never wanted this marriage. I know she liked me very much, I wonder if she ever actually loved me or if either of us actually knows what that is.
Sorry you are going through this I know is really sucks..

If something wants to be free, then set it free. If it comes back... I don't remember the entire saying, but it's so true. I was married 22 years with 5 kids and suffered like you are now. Once the trust was gone I had to force myself to move on even though I lost myself for a while there. I saw my existence only through his eyes and was very afraid to be single after so long. Now I realize it was the best thing for everyone involved. You need to find out if you are in love with who he is now, or the memory of who you both were as a happy, COMMITTED couple. Nothing you decide will be easy, but if it's any consolation, at least you are trying and giving it your all. It takes two though, giving and taking in a committed relationship and it sounds like you are the only one who is invested.

Love thyself and be true unto thyself.

@ Stupiddude: If it is bad enough, a woman will shut down and never be wide open again. Just calling a woman a bad name can spell disaster.

About the unforgiveness....what ever the circumstances...unless you realize that YOU can't live with the anger, unless YOU want to be free from that, YOU will not forgive. You don't forgive for the other person, you forgive for YOU. So you have complete freedom, so your heart can open again. It's the only way. In my case it didn't happen until a higher power stepped in AFTER I asked for help. My ex couldn't believe how I changed, others also commented. A completely new me, and it's a new me here to stay because a higher power did it, NOT ME.

After reading some posts here, I can see I had a freak situation. No cheating (yes all the nay sayers I am SURE), no drugs, no alcohol, no verbal or physical abuse -- super kids that turned out great, no problems really, raising them.

He is off trying to figure himself out. Whatever that means. I would not take him back unless he himself asked for that same help that I got, and that came from God and he was able to work through his shit which I referenced earlier. Otherwise, if he came back without having done that work, the rug and my life would be pulled out from under me all over again and I will NOT do that to myself. The past 6-9 months have been hell filled (you all know the feelings). While I could live through that, I WILL NOT.

Be Blessed.

xxxoooo

I'm new to the group and just trying to find answers or perhaps just someone to talk about this with. My husband of 18 years just said the same thing to me. He said he loves for being the mother of our 2 girls but just isn't in love with me anymore. I don't understand it either and it REALLY hurts. Right now it is just one day at a time. He told me this last Sunday and I started a new job (that doesn't offer health insurance) the next day. Talk about stressed out.

Reread Jen1113's last part of her last post. deservesbetter, I am new to this group too so I didn't have this as an outlet when I had a breakdown after finding out my marriage was over. My life as I knew it was over in an instant. The good news is that mostly what everyone advised you here is true. You must do what's best for you and your children. Please don't hold onto signs of false hope he may be sending you. My saving grace was my Higher Power helping me realize I am more than what was once before. Don't lose yourself over another. Moving out three times makes it tough for me to see him as a giver. He sounds pretty selfish to me. No matter what you decide, do it for YOURSELF first and foremost!

our hearts know love when it "sees" it. when someone says i love you and it makes you cringe, that should tell us something is amiss - in a very big, dangerous way.

agreed

Sorry you are in such emotional pain. My suggestion to you is to let him go. You cannot get someone to return when he has fallen out of love.

Lavendar3 (and others)....frame it up this way to yourself....(and YES I did say this to the ex when he said, Oh I don't want to give you false hope)...my advice, work hard to get to this place, which is: No one can give you hope, or take your hope away. You either have hope or you don't. Your hope needs to come from a higher power (no, be honest, it's not yourself...you can't do that either, meaning manufacture hope). Your hope must come from above or out there, or whatever you believe. But with belief comes hope. Peace.