what did you do that was so bad that he is now withholding his love from you? has he given you a reason?

Honestly, couples counseling didn't work for me in this case and I know many other cases where couples counseling just didn't work. Based on my experience, it was just a safe place for my stbx to ask me for a divorce.. at $105/hour. Pass for me.

But, there is great value in him going to see someone on his own (and you too). He is clearly confused about what he wants based on the fact that he came back again. Going and talking to someone on his own might help him to process his feelings and make the right decision for him.

I got the light switch effect too. Only once that light switch flipped.. it stayed flipped for me and hasn't even come close to coming back on again. I doubt it ever will. We married very young and we're different people now.

Think about whether or not your needs are truly being met and if you are really happy with your life. If you're like me, once the sting of being the "left" person, you might realize that this person wasn't really meeting your needs or making you happy.

I didn't realize how truly unhappy I was in the marriage until I really thought about it.

And you know what? Life is just too damn short to spend time people pleasing others who don't love you the way you DESERVE to be LOVED. Go find someone who will love you and respect you the way you deserve.

All of us deserve that in our lives, don't we?

blondy, you need someone really close to you to talk with and to validate you and your rights. your husband sure isn't cutting it.

Basically from what im being told is I let life get in the way of him. I have three kids, I work 50 hours a week, have pets...etc....he said I became a prude and I wasnt spontaneous anymore. I became boring. So now im trying to bring all that back, but I guess im to late. My kids alone keep me very busy. The things they do he doesnt even enjoy with me. My daughter is in cheer for little league and does pageants. My boys are in band. He has never been to a football game for my daughter to watch her cheer or a band concert.

Blondy, I think it's so unfair when someone comes to us with something they are supposedly unhappy about, and then when we change it, they imply that we are too late. If that's the case, then *they* should have come to us with the problem sooner!

Two years ago, my stbx told me his feelings for me had changed, and he thought it was at least partially because I "leaned on him too much" with venting about my work stress. So, I worked on it and changed that, I went into my own therapy and learned other ways to manage my stress, we went to couples therapy, and I thought things were better--then, almost two years later, he tells me that his feelings for me have changed again, and he thinks maybe it was too late by the time I changed.

This makes me think that his feelings had already changed first, and *then* he looked for explanations to justify it later. Perhaps that is the case with your husband as well? I don't understand how someone's feelings can just switch off like that, but it seems that myself and a lot of others here have experienced the same thing, where our parnters' feelings for us just turned off. I am sorry you are going through this, I know it feels awful. If it's any comfort, it won't go on like this forever, eventually it will have to give one way or the other. Take care!

He tells me that he is to blame as well as I am. He also says he doesnt want me to change for him. I keep telling him im not changing im making myself better. I took my vows to heart when we got married. But I guess he didnt. I dont know, this just hurts me so much. And I know what is going to have to happen, Im just going to have to get mad enough at him and make him leave. Give him a taste of his own medicine. He says such hurtful things to me even now. I still love him very much. I told him on Sunday I love you, and he says, I love my motorcycle. Nice huh. Kills me everytime. How do you stop saying I love you to someone you have been saying to for 10 plus years?

It is an awful, heart-wrenching feeling when we still love someone who expresses that they are no longer in love with or committed to us. I am very sorry you are going through this. I know that for me, moving out and living on my own the past few months, being away from the situation, has been allowing me to heal. It was toxic for me to be in the situation of constantly being reminded that my feelings were not reciprocated. But, I realize my situation is somewhat different from yours because I do not have children, so you may not have the same options in a practical sense. I know it's is a really painful situation, and I'm sorry (((hugs)))

I'm so sorry to hear. It's very tough indeed.

Would like to try what I suggested to my ex-wife? She refused to try it but I think it would have been a good thing.

Instead of getting mad, angry, hurt or all those bad things... you should separate for like 6 months.

separating will do a few things:

1) it allows you to overcome addiction (addiction to him), if thats what it is. Some people confuse addiction with love.
2) gives him some time to realize that he needs you (or solidifies the fact that he doesn't)
3) same as #2 but for you
4) it makes divorce easier after 6 months of being apart from him

Regardless of whether you do separate or not, I'd like to suggest a book called "Avoiding the greener grass syndrome"

It was written by a women who cheated on her husband but it doesn't have to apply to just a cheater.

The greener grass syndrome is thinking that the grass is always greener on the other side but to avoid it, why not just water your own grass?

trying to allocate the right amount of hours per day and per week to the right things is the big challenge for any partner or parent. anyone who works more than 40 hours per week is going to get squeezed and their partner will have to be equally contributing.

and that is for couples who rarely go to their kids' events.

but, add in a ton of football games and beauty pageants, and the parent who does those things will be severely overloaded and their spouse will be neglected.

but, sometimes parents go into "soccer parent" mode when their spouse neglects them. they substitute.

plus, no parent/spouse should have to be working 50 hour weeks.

only the two of you can look back and figure out where it all went so wrong. it is a real shame that it has come to this, blondy.

Americans are spoiled and needy. Real people outside of America don't need someone half way in their butt 24/7. They are capable of doing their own work and spending quality time together on holidays and some weekends.

unless theuir guys

in which case theyre very needy

for sex

right BiggyG?

Ha! Could be true joyride. Depends on how many times per day.

well youre the expert on that

not me

Dang I thought we were going to hit 200.

150
:p