No. It's about like the walk is equivalent to about a four block walk by the time I walk from my desk to the place to sign out back past my desk, down the several large weirdly winding hallways, sort of connecting the multiple parts if the large building, into the nurses office, to sign out in the other part of the building and back, all on crutches, when having to perform the entire walk again going back to the desk (they are very large buildings with large hallways). It's very ridiculous and I can't even tolerate going half the distance from my desk to down the hallways without having to stop so I don't have an asthma attack. I have to stop for like several minutes just to get my breath back. My current weight gain doesn't help. I am frustrated because I've been dieting a lot and the hyperemesis from the pregnancy cause my metabolism to be way thrown off when I started to be able to eat so much as a salad again. I feel so upset because my babies are gone and I have nothing to show for it. It's just how I feel. Now, I'm just hurt and I'm just very sad everything is only getting worse both grief wise and health wise. I'm just worse in every way. I even feel like I'm bitter. I'm bitter because I am heavy hearted. Not only do I have complicated grief I can't work through, I have more issues with my health requiring more medicines. It's very painful in so many ways.

Oh, I misunderstood about how far it was to sign in and out of the nurse's office! It's ridiculous that they make you do that! I'm sorry!*hugs* Could your weight gain be due to your thyroid? Have you had your levels checked? I take synthroid for hypothyroidism.. You're doing the best you can. I'm sorry things are so hard for you. Working through your intense grief as well as your health issues would be overwhelming. *hugs* I really do hope things get better for you!

I have had my thyroid checked within the last year and they only pay for it like once a year. I'm still missing my babies every second and feel like all hope is gone. I had the worst night last night. I commented about it in my journal. I was horrible and I kept bawling and feeling awful. I keep losing everything and everyone I love and I'm sick and tired of it. I can't handle any more of this grief. It's too hard.

I'm sorry you can only get your thyroid checked once a year. Sorry that you had such a bad night!*hugs*

I wish your health was better Hollywood so you could find some volunteer work to keep you preoccupied :(

I'm in digestive system hell tonight. I hope it gets better. :(

I had a rough day at work. I wrote in my journal about it. I also found a poem online last night on the internet that I copied on there. It's called Dear Mr. Hallmark written in the perspective of an angel baby. I felt like it wad like what my babies would say. It's saying how Mother's Day is hard for their mommy and that she deserves recognition for putting flowers on the grave and making time for them. It's sad but sweet and signed at the end from heaven. Whoever wrote it understands what it's like to go through what I've been going through lately. Ive been hurting a lot lately. I am on the blood pressure medicine I've been on lately and am trying baby aspirin with that to help with various things. It seems to be helpful but my cyst is bothering me right now. I want it to go away. Tomorrow my boyfriend's birthday but we don't celebrate until the weekend. I feel like we're both upset and like that's ruining it for him. It's hard to be happy when you've lost two babies. We ordered a ring today. I pretty sure they got the order wrong so I'll probably go in and ask for my money back. I was pretty mad about that because we wanted it there by Mother's Day which is the worst day in the world for me. I have a ring for them but it's not pink and blue like I wanted it. I'll have to cancel the order because they didn't have it in what I wanted. I found out May 3 is international bereaved Mother's Day. That's something we'll have to make plans for. I feel bad about the way my boyfriend feels now. I know it's not my fault, and he's grieving too, but it's hard to see he's hurting too. He said he just wants to be with me for his birthday and maybe just go someplace private to get our minds off things. His parents also want to see us this weekend too. He's feeling the same things I am lately it seems like. He's always returning my calls at work when I'm having a hard time. We are lighting a memory candle right now because we are both missing our recently lost daughter and son. I'm still struggling each day.

The poem you shared in your journal was very beautiful! I'm glad that the baby aspirin is helping you. It will be good for you and your boyfriend to do something nice on his birthday. Maybe go out to eat somewhere or go somewhere that is special to you both. I'm sorry that they didn't have the ring that you wanted. I hope you can get the one that you want even if it won't be there in time for Mother's Day. I'm glad that you and your boyfriend can be there for each other!*hugs*

hope your boyfriend has a nice birthday celebration when he gets it...don't suppose you Hollywood or your boyfriend would want a little puppy or kitty to keep you company?

Hope your digestive system is doing better Darknessember?

I have two dogs. I know it sounds strange because I've never felt like this, but I really don't want a puppy or kitty right now. It would remind me that I should be looking after two human being babies not a dog or a cat. My dogs also wouldn't get along with another animal. All I want right now is my babies and they are not here which makes me sad. Not only do kids make me feel sad but animals do too. I just have had a bad day full of panic attacks flashbacks and not to mention discrimination because I'm unable to walk very far right now. I also got a verbal warning due to one of my panic attacks. I feel like I'm going crazy. Like I'm bitter rude and nasty lately. I feel awful. I am just still having a hard time. They were supposed to come into this world soon alive and not dead. My boyfriend had a stressful day too so we are trying hard to unwind. We are lighting memory candles and he is eating takeout. I don't feel much like eating much more. My hydralyzine bothers my stomach for some reason. I think that's what the blood pressure pill is called. Stress and depression are hand and hand right now and they are in full swing. This is most of the proble
. I feel what they called my hope was gone. When they died a big part of
Me died. All we can think about is our lost babies. We just want to cry and hold each other today . It's a rough day for him. I can tell. He did hug me and tell me that before long we'll be able to try for another baby and I'll be better if I just get focused toward there. One little tiny step feels like three hundred miles when you loose two babies at once apparently. I just need more supportive people in my life to help me through this and respect my decisions to do what I feel with my own informed decisions about my life. I feel like I'm rambling and like I keep going off lately like I'm insane. I hope every understands I've just had a hard time. Sometimes nothing will distract you. I was reminiscing on the poem today and thinking how my babies would probably be requesting to send me a card from heaven because of a hard time. I wish it could actually happen that they could do that. I am going out with my boyfriend this weekend to somewhere private. May 3 is International Bereaved Mother's Day and he wants to do something with me. It helps us to stay connected with our lost babies instead of trying to forget. We both have that in common when we grieve. Trying to forget our loved ones brings about worse feelings. The grief group I sat in with at work even discussed what to do to remember the loved ones and said lots of people do that and it's a helpful coping mechanism to get through day to day. It's really been stressful for me.

No my digestive issues are still bad! I did see a movie today! My oncologist won't see me anymore because I'm not doing chemo. I will either see my family doctor every 3 months or my surgeon. The only oncologists are at the hospital so I have no choice! Very frustrating! The only thing that came out of that appointment is my oncologist said that she would send a note to my surgeon asking if my colonoscopy could be moved up due to my digestive issues. If I ever did need chemo I'd have to get another referral and become a new patient!


I'm sorry you're having such a hard time Hollywood!*hugs* Yes, do whatever helps you honor them. I take my blood pressure medication with food because it cases really bad nausea. Do your take your medication with food? You're not insane your emotions are all over the place!*hugs*

drs seem to have big ego problems at times-acting like they're above everyone else and don't have to be bothered with them :(

Yes, many doctors do have that problem! I had to call the oncologist office twice. My surgeon wouldn't listen to the dictated request for my colonoscopy to be moved up so I had to call back the second time to get them to fax over a form. My surgeon's office hasn't moved up my colonoscopy yet. Hate eating because it just causes more pain.

how about jello? Pudding? keep on that surgeons office

I like jello and pudding sometimes. I find eating small amounts helps some.