I'm still upset about the drunk idiots at the park that destroyed the tree I put Ava and Phoenix's unfortunately mixed ashes on. I scattered the rest of them on the herbs and flowers I have at home. I am so angry lately. Nothing catches my interest for long anymore. I am physically worn out and have been working often to keep distracted but it does not stop flashbacks. I don't like going out anymore because I am starting to feel panic every time I go anywhere. We are setting our minds on starting our much wanted family and our rainbow baby and trying to make it second by second in the grief of our twins. Whoever said it is day by day lied. It's second by second you have to take something like this. I lost them randomly at so far into it to placenta abrupt ion which was supposed to be a very low chance even with all the serious issues I had. I just am sick of having such vivid flashbacks at work and everywhere else so randomly. That's what has bothered me the most. My asthma is more controlled with my medicine and I'm on a hypoglycemic diet. I'm stocked on zofran and meclixine as the doctors recommended I do for if the hyperemesis hits again (they said it likely will due to my extensive history of it). We have all bases covered and we are well prepared, and that at least is one positive thing of all this.

I'm sorry you've been having such a hard time.*hugs* Do you feel less panicky when your boyfriend is with you? Yes, take each day moment by moment. I'm glad that you and your boyfriend are stocked up on the proper medications, that your asthma is under control and that you're on a hypoglycemic diet.

Perhaps they didn't realize the tree was there as an memorial...you can always build your own memorial at home-inside or out as a place to honor them

I'm still upset today and had nightmares last night my boyfriend had to really give me comfort. I had to run into work having an asthma attack and upset stomach and I was late anyway. I had a flashback too in the middle of the day. I know they didn't know the situation but the people must have known the tree meant something because bouquets of flowers were there and they were gone when we got there. Still, it's pretty disrespectful to litter in a park like that with glass. If only I knew who did it or I could report it to the DNR officer in charge of the park, but that won't work since I don't know. I don't even know if the park has a DNR officer because it's not a state park. It still caused me to cry even though I do have memorials elsewhere. It's just everything I scatter the ashes on seems to wilt and die pretty quickly. The herbs are about the only things that have survived and the aloe Vera plant I have inside. I just wish something would survive long term. The tree seemed like a good bet but we were wrong.

It was somewhat bittersweet but I did take care of my neices today on a stroller ride. I got sad feelings afterward that this should have been me pushing Ava and Phoenix. I feel so bad it makes me so sad all the time to see all these other babies now knowing mine should be here now. The due date was so hard for us both to make through. I'm feeling so sick right now and hope I can somehow get to feeling comfortable for a little bot.

I wish there was a DNR office you could report the vandalism to. Yes it's very disrespectful to litter in a park like that. I'm glad you got to take care of your nieces but sorry it made you sad thinking of Ava and Phoenix. I hope that you will be ale to somehow feel comfortable for a little bit.*hugs*

I might suggest you contact the parks department and ask if you may place a cross or some sort of memorial...or even if you could pay for them to place a tree or plant in the park in your babies memory

Thought I would sign in to make sure everyone knew I was still breathing :)

Sorry not much going on besides my health. Had a busy day.

where did you finish in that marathon you're running Darknessember:)

Marathon? I'm stuck inside for a whole because we're in a heatwave. No marathons for me. I have never been able to run without my asthma acting up.

Me was just kidding...gotta dream big huh...you know they have peddles that you can get that you can sit on the floor or on a table to use for exercise-not sure if that much activity would still bother you or not

Maybe but I have a bad hip/SI joint so that may aggravate it more.

oh rats...back to the drawing board..how about if we play pin the tail on the donkey but we don't have to use a donkey-whatever you want :)

I'm just sad today and sick with a sinus problem I think. I'm having some issues with my flashbacks. I had to go to the doctor today for tests and could not enjoy anything I did before that. I tried getting a pedicure at the beauty school place and I still didn't feel relaxed because the woman beside me was talking about being pregnant. I started crying because it made me think of when I was still carrying Ava and Phoenix and came in for a facial or something. I cried for a little while. I also keep feeling upset about people who asked me when I was "ever going to have kids" at work and after I told them what happened and started bawling my eyes out, they said that basically my babies "weren't meant to be" like I'd just been passed up on a loan for some used car or something. They were my babies and I am obviously heartbroken. Then they started making comments about my age. They didn't even bother apologize when I said that hurt me and to please not being up the subject. I had a panic attack at work. I don't understand how people can be so insensitive to someone who has just been through this and asked them to stop mentioning this. I haven't even had time to do anything about the park issue. I'm very upset now.

I'm sorry people at work were so insensitive towards you!*hugs* Unfortunately there are many ignorant people out there. I know it's hard not to be hurt by it(I would be too) but I would try avoid talking to them. I'm sorry hearing a woman talking about being pregnant at the beauty school upset you.*hugs* I hope your sinus issues go away.