hopingtobecomeabutterfly

Activity

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  Sometimes

  Posted by: hopingtobecomeabutterfly

  Posted: 08/25/2018

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  Sometime a while ago like thisI reached out my armsfelt the sun like a charmaround my neck and withthe wind in my hair and the clouds at my feetI met a bird who sang and told me how to greetstrangers just like thisHe said if you want to be lonelyit is okay but just also be comelyand when you turn homelycome back to and look at hisI hugged him closefelt his beak on my noseand then jumped off a cliff

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  Lonely again...but?

  Posted by: hopingtobecomeabutterfly

  Posted: 08/25/2018

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  I feel lonely again today. It's a strange kind of lonely. I have a husband. He isn't here right now. I have people that want to be friends with me but I don't want them near me right now. I have a family. I definitely don't want them near me right now. In fact, just thinking about them makes me anxious. I am convinced my father and possibly mom too, is a sociopath. I am so glad I didn't stay. My doggies are here. And my husband will be back. Perhaps I'm not lonely, but scared of being lonely?...

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  Journal Comment

  Posted by: hopingtobecomeabutterfly

  Posted: 08/25/2018

  hopingtobecomeabutterfly commented on hopingtobecomeabutterfly's journal Round and round

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  Round and round

  Posted by: hopingtobecomeabutterfly

  Posted: 08/22/2018

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  Round and round the rabbit hole.Where I stop nobody knows.If I ever get fixedwill I still have a soul?The nothingness is getting closer again. There isn't much wrong with life, but is there much right? It's pretty stressful most of the time, but we survive. Perhaps I'm just tired. I tend to be a perfect candidate burnout... But if I don't do what I do, who will? Life is brutal and we all just try to survive. I feel I should do more, that what I am doing is not enough, but I don't have the...

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  Hug

  Posted by: hopingtobecomeabutterfly

  Posted: 08/22/2018

  hopingtobecomeabutterfly sent a hug to Jillsaundars
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  Journal Comment

  Posted by: hopingtobecomeabutterfly

  Posted: 08/22/2018

  hopingtobecomeabutterfly commented on hopingtobecomeabutterfly's journal Can you fix me?

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  Can you fix me?

  Posted by: hopingtobecomeabutterfly

  Posted: 08/18/2018

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  Can you look in the mirror,look into my eyes and honestly tell meI am fixable?It's me, it's us, it's everythingand nothingin betweenIt's lonely, it's differentI don't want her aroundWhat if she leaves?If never been this happyI've never been this sadI've always been this cluelessI though he was everything I hadPlease help me, please fix mePlease go awayI'm not here, when I'm here I'm not worthyJust take my hand, Just try to understandJust stop trying to change meWhy is it this difficult?Just to...

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  Hug

  Posted by: hopingtobecomeabutterfly

  Posted: 08/18/2018

  hopingtobecomeabutterfly sent a hug to Beatha
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  Difficult

  Posted by: hopingtobecomeabutterfly

  Posted: 07/23/2018

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  It is difficult to run a business with a personal PTSD handicap. It is even more difficult to do when I forget that I am handicapped, throw all caution to the wind & just go for it - just to wake up one day with this horrible suffocating, partially dead feeling inside of me & million voices. A million poisonous voices that sing about how I'll surely fail, how I've obviously got no money, because obviously everything I do turns out a failure. Oh my word - Why do I have to do this again?A small...

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  Journal Comment

  Posted by: hopingtobecomeabutterfly

  Posted: 07/23/2018

  hopingtobecomeabutterfly commented on Beatha's journal Bleeding soul

• Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
  

  Discussion Comment

  Posted by: hopingtobecomeabutterfly

  Posted: 07/23/2018

  hopingtobecomeabutterfly commented on the discussion Ptsd.

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  23 July 2018

  Posted by: hopingtobecomeabutterfly

  Posted: 07/23/2018

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  I hate this confusion,like I'm in a storm,but the storm isinside of me.He caredDoes he stillOr does he not know or want to knowmy name anymore?I'm sitting on the coach,laptop in tow,but I'm being huntedlike a dear in the forestI'm sitting perfectly still,but I can't breatheMy lungs are burningI wish I could leave,but I don't want to,It's lonely out therein the forestAll alone.My skin is cold,but my heart is warmand my lungs are burningMy eyes are burning toowith unshed tearsI'm feeling a...

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  19 May 2018 Love

  Posted by: hopingtobecomeabutterfly

  Posted: 06/05/2018

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  I've never loved a man as much as I love himFrom the top of his flame filled hairto the bottom of his caramel glazed skin.Just when I think its overI die inside myself againand each time that I die is worth itjust to get a chance at loving him again

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  5 June 2018 Living dread

  Posted by: hopingtobecomeabutterfly

  Posted: 06/05/2018

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  Send me a postcardand sign it with your namethen send it to my heartYou'll never be quite the same.I'll love you to ashesthen I'll burn down your houseI'll give my life to put a smile on your facethen I'll rip it off myselfSee, I overreact to everythingand I've long since gotten used to be let downSometimes I'll even let you go firstJust to avoid bein hurtI'm the most unselfish selfish person that I knowand if you hate metrust meI hate me moreEverything that you do is just a testI'm constantly...

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  19 May 2019

  Posted by: hopingtobecomeabutterfly

  Posted: 05/19/2018

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  Ode to sleeping pills...I was the first to condemn the use of western medicine in treating whatever was/is 'wrong' with my personality & being. I fought for years against doctor's prescriptions & psychologist recommendations of Western Medicine. To me it was an excuse for not fighting, for not changing. Afterall, mom popped pills like there was no tomorrow, and she still is not okay. I was wrong. I still feel strongly that medicine (western or herbal) should not be used callously & without...