Lonely again...but?

I feel lonely again today. It's a strange kind of lonely. I have a husband. He isn't here right now. I have people that want to be friends with me but I don't want them near me right now. I have a family. I definitely don't want them near me right now. In fact, just thinking about them makes me anxious. I am convinced my father and possibly mom too, is a sociopath. I am so glad I didn't stay. My doggies are here. And my husband will be back. Perhaps I'm not lonely, but scared of being lonely? Or perhaps I'm not even scared of loneliness, but scared of abondonment? I don't know. Does that make sense? It's so silly. I have a ton of degrees in the most intellectually challenging of fields, but when it comes to this stuff I feel like a three year old. In fact, I've met 3 year olds that can name their emotions better than I can!

I know I've been working a lot again. And I know that it makes me numb, but I need to right? I have to work. Otherwise what else is there? And also, some measure of numbness...helps...? Anyone hear my screams, anyone if you hear my pleas, if you hear my silence - please reach out and help me. I need to learn these things, but be gentle...I'm afraid of people... I should paint more.