19 May 2019
Ode to sleeping pills...
I was the first to condemn the use of western medicine in treating whatever was/is 'wrong' with my personality & being. I fought for years against doctor's prescriptions & psychologist recommendations of Western Medicine. To me it was an excuse for not fighting, for not changing. Afterall, mom popped pills like there was no tomorrow, and she still is not okay. I was wrong. I still feel strongly that medicine (western or herbal) should not be used callously & without proper respect, but... in the right hands they can be like small little plasters for a weary soul.
My psychiatrist once prescribed a tablet called Stillnox MR. I have a small stash of this in the house and when things go really really wrong...the promise of a good night's sleep, even if induced by Western Medicine, feels like the greatest of mercies. I take only one, and only when I have wayed up my chances of getting a proper nights rest by myself and have included that it is not possible. My body is very sensitive to it because I use it so sparingly. About 10 to 15 minutes after I've taken it I can feel the, now, comforting hands of sleep reaching out to me, cradling my consciousness, like hands of a make shift mom, gently closing my eyes with soft fingers. When I take them I don't dream. I just sleep. I don't have nightmares and I probably don't get the REM phase of sleep that I need to rejuvenate optimally, but for 8 hours, my body doesn't have to fight. I don't have to flee. It's almost comforting to me now to know that even if I had to flee, I would not be able to...
Just let go. Just slip down the rabbit hole...I wake up close to fully refreshed. My limbs & mind appreciate the break from hyper alert life so much that they actually wake up refreshed & ready to take on the world again. Like I said, I don't & won't want to take these every day, but on those days that I need to I'm glad that I atleast have this safety net to fall into. Even if it is a 'fake' safety net --- I've come to realise a lot of the dangers that I run from are no more real in the current reality I live in, therefore it is a perfect match --- a fake shelter inside of fake constant danger... Who knew...this might be one of the most real experiences of self-compassion that I've ever had.
Replies
A huge YES! to self-compassion. Sometimes I think some of us constantly work on being compassionate to others and completely forget that the basis of this is to be compassionate with ourselves.
As for sleeping pills: I don't like them either, but lack of sleep makes it indefinitely harder to deal with everything else, sometimes even impossible. You have a reasonable way of using them. I see them as a temporary measure, a crutch that I need now but won't be needing forever.
Healing hugs