Women who Love too Much Community Group
WHEN BEING IN LOVE, MEANS BEING IN PAIN... This group is to help women through the journey of realizing they can love themselves. To help realize that they are capable of having a happy, healthy, whole relationship and break the cycle of abuse and heartache from loving emotionally unavailable men.
I adopted this from another site I visit from time to time. There are times when we are going crazy wanting to contact the ex- whether it be to bash them, hear their voice, look for a good moment, etc. We all know that contact is not acceptable to our healing. So...if you want to contact you ex.....type it here instead. Get it out, but don't give them the satisfaction of knowing you are thinking of them. I will start below......
"I went back to the DR today. I remember 6 months ago when you were so supportive. If it was Cancer, we would figure it all out. You said it would be fine. I was scared when I went to the DR today. I wanted to call you. I needed to hear your voice. Then I remembered how you spoke to me almost 2 weeks ago. I remember all of the promises you showered upon me on and off for three years, and ripped out from under me in three minutes. I remember all of the horrible things you said to me to make yourself feel better and justified. I still wanted to call you. I still wanted to hear your voice. I just wanted it to be the voice of the man I fell in love with, not the man you showed me you really are."
"I went back to the DR today. I remember 6 months ago when you were so supportive. If it was Cancer, we would figure it all out. You said it would be fine. I was scared when I went to the DR today. I wanted to call you. I needed to hear your voice. Then I remembered how you spoke to me almost 2 weeks ago. I remember all of the promises you showered upon me on and off for three years, and ripped out from under me in three minutes. I remember all of the horrible things you said to me to make yourself feel better and justified. I still wanted to call you. I still wanted to hear your voice. I just wanted it to be the voice of the man I fell in love with, not the man you showed me you really are."
Its been 3 months now since we have had any contact at all. Its been good for me and I have learned a certain amount of detachment. I still have so many questions about you though. Questions that I am sure will never be answered...but still leave me wondering. Maybe you would take some time to clear up some things:
1) What is the real story behind your incarceration? The Real truth of it all? There are so many conflicting stories that have been bounced around that it is impossible to know what the truth is about all of that. If only you would tell the truth, instead of hiding, then maybe there would be some hope?
2) I believed you when you told me that you loved me, when you said you had fallen in Love with me, that you were looking forward to our future together. Was that pure manipulation? Was there ever any truth to your words of love to me? Was I merely a friend with benefits to you? or even less than that...simply an object to be used for your own survival? Since I haven't heard from you I can only come to my own conclusions based on your lack of loving treatment towards me.
3) Why did you discard me in the way that you did? There wasn't even an argument...it was like you just realized that you no longer had any control over me...and so you abruptly abandoned what we had...just like that. The thing we disagreed on wasn't even a big deal. So, I can only surmise that for you the entire 3 years we spent together was all about you trying to Survive and take care of yourself...it must have had nothing to do with me?
4) Why did you lie about so many things? Little things and big things, alike. Are you really so self centered? and Is your self esteem really that low that you have to lie to people who love you with your schemes and dreams that never come to fruition?
I will never fully understand what happened with you....I loved you very much and was willing, at one point, to believe in you to the end......but you showed me that I could not do that...That you would have destroyed Me and All that I am and have if I had stayed with you allowing you to continue controlling me.
I still pray for you...and I still believe that one day you will truly face the Truth of what you have done...not just to me, but to your own family and children and the other women in your life who dared to care about you. You will see this truth one day and it will be the thing that you Must overcome if you are ever going to find peace.
I still miss you, everyday.
C
I not only moved over 2000 km to be with you, I also moved away from the family, social class and friends I had known since birth, in order to be with you, because I believed that you were true, our love was true. When you devalued and discarded me, you left me as a lone women in a backward, feudal town very different from the places I had lived in, with no visible support systems. I am happy to report that even in these conditions I completed two important manuscripts, one of which is doing very well in the market as a serious book, and another which will be out later this year. I am continuing to work on other projects as well, even though I would gasp with the sheer pain of being absolutely alone, at many points of time last year.
It is more than 3 months since I spoke to you, or had any contact. This blessed period has brought me more clarity than a whole year before it. I no longer go crazed with grief, wondering how to get back to the place of our love. I no longer feel as if I am to blame for not being able to sort your gigantic heap of life-problems so that you would find the time to love me. I am faced with a whole set of monumental questions for me to address - about relocation back to a place where I have family and friends, about living, working and being on my own without being a source of anxiety to my children. Not having your brooding presence next to me has given me the space to think about all this. I have got used to the peace now, of being self-directed, rather than subtly manipulated by all kinds of emotional cues and triggers.
I hope you are able to find some peace yourself, out of the chaos and confusion you create. I will stay wounded from the effects of our relationship a while longer, but I have healed enough to bear you no ill will. For all that you have done to me and so many others, your suffering is inevitable, and I do not have to concern myself with it, just leave it to the Higher Power.
I do not fear your coming back into my life any more, because I have faced the prospect of it within myself, and am now convinced that I will not succumb, not accept you back again.
I wish that you would come here, but I cant ask you to do that, because it is not what you want, it's never what you wanted.
I have already raised a son. I would have loved to have had a child with you, but that time has passed for me, Im already 44. You deserve to have a nice Muslim family, and God knows you have enough love.
I wish you would stop smoking hash though, but I can not change you. I think it might make you think more clearly. I think you need recovery, but I have no power or control over that, all I know is that I can not live with that insanity in my life.
It's just easier if I let you go lovingly.
Lets see how later goes.
by the things you said, i think you already know the outcome. once you get stronger guys will have to earn your love, not the other way around. your ambitions and new found health will connect you to more healthier and appropriate people.
some changes, they may have....
Dear T,
I went for a really great walk this morning, around the pond where we went a few times...and I found you on my mnd for much of the time I was walking. It is a gorgeous day. I saw a group of goslings with their Mom and Dad..and I know how much it would have made you smile to see them...and to just be out walking on the beautiful day.
I have spent alot of time demonizing you these past few months. Feeling a lot of anger towards you...and labelling you a Narcissist. You have many of those traits, and it is very likely that the label fits, But..
I also know that you helped me a great deal during a very difficult time in my life...as much as I helped you. We really did come together during one of the most difficult times in both of our lives...and we were great friends to each other. You were my constant companion and you held me as I cried over the end of my second marriage...you were my source of emotional security and my distraction from the feelings of loss over the death of my mother. You helped me to move out of my house and into my new home..and you did all of the work remodelling my kitchen and lighting in my new home. And you took me out of my sadness and showed me a side of The City I would have never known without you. We had some truly wonderful adventures together.
I was the same for you. I held you as you faced your guilt and pain over losing your mother while you were incarcerated. I tried to lift you up as you faded into depression over the loss of your career. I helped you look for work and I tried to give you a safe place to be amidst the turmoil of all that was happenning.
You have a deep and abiding goodness in you..BUT...you have and equally deep darkness inside of you. I saw both sides of you during our time together.
I, still, Love the goodness in You...and it it likely, that I always will. I am grateful for our time together and for all that we gave to each other...and all of the lessons we are still learning. I still pray for a miracle with you.....perhaps I always will.
I was not happy that you chose to "cut me out" of your life after our last conversation but I know that it was and is the best thing for me to not be in contact with you right now (and for you as well). Your journey has taken you to the very dark and difficult place of living in a prison cell for another 3 years...and mine has taken me to a place of learning to live alone. We each have a great deal of work to do now...work that we must do on our own.
At this point in my life you are my Last Love...and if it remains that way to end of my days I will be ok with that...If God determines that I will find a new Love or that you and I belong together...than so be it...and if NOT...I will live a happy Life anyway. I Must Do That!
The bottom line is this...I do Love You for I know the goodness in you...and I think of you as a friend and I am grateful for what we shared.
I would like to stay in touch with you, from time to time...and I would like to know how your journey is going. I pray for your happiness as well as my own.
With Love and Forgiveness,
C
None of this has been particularly great for me.
I have added and added and added to this list over time.
It begins at the beginning.
You said you wanted to move in after dating me for a short time. I felt that was a commitment and expressed my interpretation. You agreed. For me, it was like a marriage. I told you that. You said, "Yes." You told me then that you work very hard in relationships and don't give up, that you were willing to do the work. I think in moving in with me you were able to get out of your place and to have something nicer for your daughter + you thought you loved me and thought (naively at 58...with your track record and self-awareness) that maybe everything would be better once you moved in. I asked my tenants to leave for December 1st, 2010 because you were eager to get started. They moved out November 1st. You started work downstairs mid to late January. You dragged that job out (foundation work notwithstanding) until July when you moved in... in chaos and ultimately, moving stuff from a garage that you hadn't touched in five years--in August. You moved in while I was in Europe and I was very happy and excited but even then, there were red flags. I returned to someone who was distracted, exhausted, not excited to see me or be there...just overwhelmed. No joy at the airport. No joy at "home" where we finally were living together. It was a big thing for me to do this--to live with you. I had not lived with anyone for 10 years. Hadn't found anyone that I could consider that type of commitment with and I felt robbed of the joy, excitement and even security that I had expected with that transition. I felt no moment of peace and joy with this change to my home and life. Instead I began to feel less and less certain of things.
You moved in with many jobs undone which you promised me you would finish. You are a contractor and extremely talented so I expected that this would happen easily.
You also saw me spend $13 000 on renovations--absorbing debt you had to me and paying you chunks of money at a time for your labour. I do appreciate the push to do this work, it has greatly enhanced my property but it all happened by accident....I had no means to afford this and it all happened to me little by little over a year with no plan, no budget and no nestage. For you and to you, it was a "great deal". To me, it unexpected and yes, for the best but you can see how my spending $13 000 (plus $2500 more recently) plus losing rent for 17 months was a blow to me financially.
You moved in with little to no enthusiasm or joy WHICH hurt my heart. I held that feeling in and tucked it away because it brought with it shame as well. Why was this happening? Why was it not happy? Why was I participating with hope?
You moved in with this lack of enthusiasm and actually began the summer by throwing fits. You were stressed, overwhelmed and yelling at me that you couldn't give me anything. You were rude and unloving. I felt like shit a lot of the time. I also felt a lot of stress. I couldn't get anything right. I struggled to make it better and actually caused you to begin to feel resentment towards me.
The man that I had fallen for was GONE and the one in his place was tearing me apart.
In the end, at the end of March 2011, you left all the jobs undone that you had promised me you would do for months and months but explicitly promised me would be done while I was in Europe in March, then before you left, then before the Sunday that you departed for your new place. A screen that I had driven to Cambridge in a rush to get before leaving on a trip just before you moved in last June...still sat in its box AND IT DIDN'T FIT which I had to wait almost a year to discover. A light to be installed sat on top of the fridge and I had to hear from X that it wasn't the right one which you had told me a month before (again almost a year after purchase) and I had said, "Can you make it work?" to which you had agreed that you could.
You moved in and accepted my offer for you to not pay rent for the first couple of months. Again, another (s)mothering move on my part--dumb.
You did not ever offer to give me rent. It was never voluntary. I had to ask in November in your fifth month of living here when I felt strapped by running the household with all expenses on my own (with a year of no rent, purchasing most of the food, etc., etc.) and then you agreed but paid only three payments of $250 between November and January until the last payment in March for February's rent (arbitrary?) of $500. $1200 in nine months. The same amount that you paid Shawna April 1st...I suppose. OUCH for me. Hurt me. You also never fully did a grocery shop for our household in the nine months you were here. You bought for yourself and your daughter. You never prepared a meal except breakfast for me on my bday and maybe a few salads. This despite your insistence that you were a very good cook. You had trouble sharing space with me. Me standing at the counter in front of the toaster meant that I was fucking with your routine, your plan. You grumbled and swore and stressed until I finally got it and just stayed away. I had to actually re-invent my routines because it was so hard for you to do this WITH me present or even vaguely part of your one man show.
You did not contribute towards utilities whatsoever--utilities including internet, all the things you took for granted.
You happily "borrowed" $6000 from me (on my line of credit) for YOUR trailer. You did not begin to pay me back for months and then paid me a small portion of the loan. It is sitting on my line of credit. Any discussion of how you will repay this has been intiated by me. . Had you paid it off when you were living for free in my house, this would be done and not between us. Instead, you did not pay it off and then moved into a house that was expensive for you and will not allow you to take care of this debt in anything other than small payments over a long time. You have used me, taken me for granted and ALL with ignorance. You don't even see that you do this, that taking is easy for you at the same time as asking is difficult. You think the honour is in not asking and yet, you constantly demonstrate needs.
You lived on three floors of the house-one was entirely for you. I was not ever invited to visit downstairs except for the last time you asked me if I wanted to come down to cuddle and then proceeded to lie inert beside me and not cuddle me.
You never once initiated anything...any outing, holiday, day trip, social visit. I invited myself along to see your mother both because I cared for her but also it was, sadly, a way to spend time with you. I would point out that you were seeing her four days a week UNTIL you moved out. The moment you moved out, it stopped. In part, you were too busy, in part, she was in a good place and you had grown more comfortable but also because you had used her as a means to avoid intimacy and connection with me. By contast, you were invited to everything--every family event, every holiday, every outing I had, every party/dinner/social. I fully invited you into my life.
You moved into my home sleeping in my bed, living with me with my children with the full knowledge that you were not ready for your daughter to see us sleeping together, that you could not manage this out of your own fear. You put me through this without explaining to me your thoughts and overall conviction. You lived with me and she never once saw us sleeping together (as in, lying down together and "sleeping"). You treated me as your girlfriend but you gave the decision to your 10 year old to decide when she might be ready for this to happen. Why did you move into my home when you knew that you had this affliction--this fear of your daughter? (not "for", rather "of")
Why did you give me so little of your love, affection, time, energy, interest, devotion? You were distant, you were not intimate. Over time, you did not touch me, you made me feel less and less attractive by the day, less and less sexual, sexy. I actually have lost my confidence in this way. I know it will come back but for all the times you told me in the beginning that I was sexy (and even compared me to your ex telling me I was sexier...that should have been a signal to me--that there was even a comparison noted), you stopped admiring me, demonstrating attraction to me a long while back.
You often spoke to me with rudeness and such disregard that eventually, I hit the wall and lo and behold, you became more respectful. Did I have to say, "STOP. NO!" in order for you to understand how you were treating me?
You presented originally as a sensitive, smitten, kind, loving, affectionate, complimentary, sensual, fun-loving, easy-going man with lots of love to give. You may be these things but under the surface and behind the walls that you put up, it was not my experience for literally the duration of our relationship post courtship. I feel tricked and yet, I know you don't really understand it either.
Why did you bring me into yet another dramatic hell with your ex when you had just witnessed what I had JUST gone through with X? You had not done the groundwork to fully separate from your ex and so, it was with shock that I found myself hated by a stranger and you distant and confused by her reaction which in turn, affected your attention and interest in me. Why did you not tell your ex that she was off base when she said to you last winter that you had done something very wrong in getting involved with me, that you had broken up five years before so there was nothing inappropriate in your actions? And so, I was the jealous one. No, I was the one who was aware that what I was getting was NOTHING compared to the woman before me who was/is apparently a lying, toxic, confused, deceitful person. I have never suffered more in any relationship. I have suffered more AFTER a relationship was over but never, ever so much during. I waited and waited for things to get better and instead, I lived with someone who flipped out randomly and terribly, who blamed me for his problems, who had multiple problems so that absolutely nothing was about me, NOTHING. I was invisible. Often not even there. Why did I do this? Why didn't I leave a year last October when you started to become cool towards me, when you showed me less and less affection and clearly demonstrated less INTEREST.
And what did I do?
I loved you and you became someone who did not DEMONSTRATE love to me. Who said a cursory, "I love you." daily but did NOT show me love. I know the difference between words and action and I deluded myself out of my own fear.
I had no balls.
I took shit.
I was too fucking nice, I gave too fucking much, I asked for too little. I cooked too much, baked too much, tried too hard and made myself a non-priority in my life and yours.
I stayed in something that was unhealthy with someone who was unhealthy and I took shit when I should have given it.
I let myself feel less. I felt less attractive. Less appealing. Less interesting. Less sexy than ever before.
I stayed in it instead of following my base instincts that said, "This man does not love you."
I did not listen to myself. I did not show myself love and respect. I let you add your dislike of yourself to my energy and it compounded and multiplied until you didn't like yourself or me and I didn't like me BUT still LOVED you.
What is love if it is not wishing for your beloved's joy, growth and betterment? I put myself into this sentiment and received none of it back.
I gave to someone who is admittedly broken but does NOTHING about fixing himself...instead he enslaves those who love him and lets them hang around, should they choose, to be part of and bear witness to the inevitable breakdown of yet another relationship in which their souls will be pierced with 1000 deadly cuts.
And yet, I still try, I still invite, I still feel.
I'm done.
I will not allow myself to be treated like this again.
I am working with great awareness on my own self-esteem so that I would see this all coming from a 1000 miles away.
I am worth so much more and the fact that you are so shut down, unable to go deeper, with tremendous intimacy issues that actually carve your existence into that which you deal with and that which you do not deal with (you must have a dumpster in your mind) makes it even more incredible that I allowed myself to fall in love with someone who could not love me back.
I see a tired, exhausted, anxious man who has one or two coping mechanisms (both unhealthy) and who believes like Prometheus that the rock just needs to be pushed up the hill one more time....only to have it roll down again.
What is your life for?