Oh Undercover, this line--"I cannot mend me with you swooping in to feed off the goodness I shared with you for so long"--is so on target for me, too.

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but it has to want to change.

You saw for yourself how mistreated I was when you met me. I am a good woman. I think it bothered you that he had a beautiful, kind, unselfish, generous & compassionate wife that, not only did he not appreciate me, he hurt and belittled me constantly. Remember?

I deserve better
a lot better, and you know that if you look in your heart

He did not see what an awesome woman he had right in front of him. Do you?

Love is not measured by the amount of pain I am willing to suffer for you.

Maybe that is what your mother taught you. Love is not picking fights - or hurting each other... you were abused, I can't fix that. I suspect it effected you deeply, and that takes professional help to heal from. I also suspect you use hash to help you cope, as I did alcohol. Drugs combined with emotional problems makes matters worse. Much worse.

I see a Dr Jeckyll and Mr Hyde "switch" in you. It's like I am dealing with 2 different people. One day, you will be so sweet and romantic and reasonable... then CLICK, Mr. Hyde appears, angry and talking senselessly. Why do you do that!? I am so in love with 1/2 of you. It kills me. You say the most sweetest heart felt things, then you stab me later. I cant live with that... or die like that (which is more accurate) It's such a sad waste, I see a good man there, that is being wasted - and staying stuck in a rut. I showed you the bright side of life, you have to help yourself. I can't fix you.

I am not your punching bag, dont take your frustrations out on me. You have called me dumb, you have called me liar. These terms are not only inaccurate, they are insulting and degrading to me. Totally disrespectful.

You say you dont trust me - but you dont trust anyone, I saw that clearly when I was there. I wonder how much of that stems from untreated childhood abuse, and how much from hash (which causes paranoia)

I cant reason with a mad man (both angry and insane), or try to save a man that does not want help.
I also can't keep hoping to hear what I need to from you.
It wastes my life, and my life is precious to me.

i cannot even begin to explain the pain and hurt you have brought to my life. The abuse that you have instilled upon me and I don't even know if i'm as upset with you as i am at myself for allowing this abuse to happen. i gave everything i had in this relationship and it was just never enough, I was never enough, your children were never enough. Through enough time being spent with you, i have now realized that it's never going to be enough for you no matter who you are with. It was, is and will always be about you.

through this process, i have at least learned (granted you were the best teacher) that my recovery starts with me. you know, i believe i have succeeded in all aspects of my life except for relationships. this one has definitely brought me to my knees and i have finally realized i do not ever want to repeat this ever again. It was horrible. The abuse, the shame, the isolation and I just put a smile on my face and kept going like there was nothing wrong. I was always more concerned with everyone else and their feelings, yours, your children's and my children's than i was with my own.

You know, from this time forward, it's about learning who Stacey is, her wants, her needs, her pleasures, her pains. I no longer accept just going through life with numbness caused from constantly trying to reach you and just being satisfied with bread crumbs thrown at me every once in a while. Oh and by the way, I came home from work on Friday to realize that your oldest daughter has asked to befriend me on facebook. you know what, please just stay away from me. don't put your kids up to anything (not sure if you did or not, but I wouldn't put it past you.) You have instilled enough ill will on my life, now leave me alone. let me get through this recovery process. I am determined to do it and succeed this time.

You see, I am learning to have confidence in myself and learning that i do have value. Even though you did not value me, you were not worthy enough to have me. You see David, I now value myself and that's all that matters. You know, I used to always say to you, "you complete me". First mistake. I will now learn and feel comfortable completing myself.

As I take this journey of recovery and find my way, I truly hope you eventually find some type of balance in your life and finally begin to deal with all the horrors of your childhood. but you see, again, it's not about you, it's now about me. Take care of yourself and I wish you no ill will. I actually feel bad for you because as you grow older and reflect back on your life, there won't be any pleasant memories to have because of all the people you've wronged and abused and walked all over during your lifetime. You are such a user. I have a funny feeling you are going to end up a very lonely man.

I miss you and love you. I miss you with tears washing my face for short but drenching intervals. Love. Wishing that I had let go long ago because you brought me a lot of heartache. I feel abandoned but I know, when I am honest with myself that I was abandoned a year ago October, when I said, "Yes." to you/us and you had my heart in the palm of your hand. I turned to you and saw a man that I absolutely trusted and felt devotion from but this feeling of safety quickly passed and you were gone--I believe the term that best describes you, as you were with me over the past year and a half is: "emotionally unavailable". There was a vacancy, an emptiness that I recognized over and over and still, I allowed myself to experience disappointment. You were gone very early and yet, we began conversations about you moving in, and you did. There were an abundance of red flags and I chose, out of fear, self-neglect, hope and pride to ignore them. I have paid the price for ignoring my instincts. I tried so hard to make my thoughts known to you and every time I did, you cancelled them out with comments like, "You have no patience." or "I do love you but I will love you more in time. That's how it is with me." Always the promise of something better if I only had patience. And in such a relationship...where it takes years for you to fall in love or love while steadily neglecting your partner, how could anyone stay and not either curl into themselves, have an affair or become very bitter with loneliness and anger? Or leave. My self-esteem suffered and I felt more anxious, less safe than ever before. It was very confusing. I accept responsibility for what I allowed. The painful and terminal part was the fact that I had experienced it with you--the safety, the love, the security--however briefly and I had a memory of something beautiful. No one could have convinced me that you were not that man, that you were not the sweet man who had come for me, who looked at me with love, who wanted to be close to me, who was excited by me and the possibilities that we had together...no one could have convinced me that my initial perceptions were wrong. You hurt me in impossibly cutting ways just by not noticing me, by moving away from me when I came close, by not looking into my eyes when we made love, by speaking rudely to me, by not ever once making a meal for me, by not taking care of me in any nurturing way and by leaving my house in the end in disrepair when you are a contractor with skills and knowledge. You left with jobs undone, a heart broken, and a dirt path out the back door.
When I looked Monday morning at every single job that was still undone since last spring, every single one of them, I almost choked on my own tears. It filled me with a mournful feeling of shame that someone that I loved and would have done anything for showed me such disrespect and disregard in his parting moments in our shared life.
And yet, I still love you. I am sure that this will pass in time but for now, it remains. I gave so much more than personal resources, I gave myself away and I am on my knees pushing myself up, determined to recover or perhaps find myself. I am doing all that I can to heal so that this never, ever happens to me again.
I only need love, respect, gratitude, kindness and generosity in my life.

What I miss above all is that which I missed all along--your emotional presence. The promise of being with you.

Even though I have gone through with the seperation and divorce, I still want desperatly to me with my ex. I don't understand it at all. I just keep calling and e-mailing. I am determined this time to get out. . I need the help of others who have been like this

Manny--it is very hard and I have just ended my relationship so have no big advice to give. Posting here instead of calling/emailing is a good alternative. It stopped me twice today (see above). I think we have to return that power and love and intention to ourselves.

*To my ex*
We met over eight years ago and I was in the process of getting healthy. I finally came out of my morbid obesity with my head held high, I lost so much weight, then you came along. You seen someone who was already helpless dealing with addiction to food, my faith making me strong each moment that passed. You knew the signs of what to look for in a woma who was damaged already. You came in on your method of attack and you started to chip away at what God was trying to help me discover--how to be healthy inside and out. Over the years you have dropped hints and small little wise cracks about how you want to remove my Kentucky Hillbilly accent, how I was nothing but a dependent child in our marriage monetarily, how I was such a slob in YOUR home, and how immature I was and always made up half truths to make myself look good. You took my looks and trained me to go from curly hair to straight. From how I wore my makeup to how you liked it. You made sure daily to drum into my head what a b**** your ex-wife was.. and how not to be like her. You constantly compared our marriage to the one you had with her. You played the victim and told me how you were treated badly and misunderstood--after thought of your parents and family--all women mistreated you and left you. I felt compassion and pity for you and wanted to show you that I am not like all the others in your life, I could love you. You took that and shoved it down my throat with spiritual abuse, verbal abuse, emotional abuse, and eventual physical abuse. You are self-absorbed, you are selfish, you think only of your own needs. You would use me only for sex and then after you got it treated me like shit again. You are incapable of loving anyone more than you love yourself, which is nada. You don't know what love is, you only know misery and pain. You claim to be a Christian and yet you drug me down so far spiritually I can't even pray anymore. I can't even pick up a Bible without wanting to curse God for my situation. How could a God do this to me who professes to love me? This is what you've done to me! I am cynical and just outright angry. I hope God sends you to hell for what you've done to me. I will reclaim my life and I will show you that I am stronger than you ever thought. You will no longer be a curse to me. May God help the woman who gets involved with you after this. I truly hate you for what you've done to me. Love is not what I feel for you, I won't lie to myself anymore. I thought I could fix your sorry arse but I was wrong. I can't even fix and handle my own emotions right now! Just stay out of my life and heart. Let me be with God in peace. Leave me alone.

*This was so hard.*

My father died and I had no family members and you deserted me even more. You stopped touching me for 16 years, (saying that your heart attack shut you down physically)you cheated on me and fooled me and every single person who knows you. You were with prostitutes,doing drugs behind my back, texting and calling women daily,and more.You at 55 texted and called a 20 year old every day and night behind my back, for 4 1/2 years,who you work with and you hid it from myself and everyone.
You forged my checks when I went home abroad to visit.
And many more devious things.

You are handsome and cute, you've played piano for Sinatra and you are charming and so sweet. You are honest,kind and loyal.

You are not any of those things. You are a narcissistic monster.
I'm not devastated and shocked anymore.
I do still feel pain and anger.

I am stronger and healthier as I am blessed to have a great faith, wonderful friends,a great therapist and a great womens' group, exercise,this enlightening group and a belief, finally, that I don't deserve you and your horrible treatment. I deserve to be treated well. And I will be.

I will not send this or say this to him, because he's a classic manipulator and he will create the compulsion to be drawn to him. I keep away.

I am sitting here thinking about you tonight and I was thinking of writing you a letter...but then I started to wonder why? There is nothing left to say, really. I mean, If you thought you would break me by abandoning me, you were wrong. Yes I've had some terrible times trying to let go of you but, now, I am doing pretty good actually. I still have my own issues to deal with but I realize that those issues were there long before you were. I am better off now...after you.. than I was before you, in some ways. I am less naive...I am less trusting of others and more trusting of myself. I am much stronger and more self reliant. I am more confident and I am much happier, most of the time. So, if your plan was to bring me down and watch me fade away...you have failed, miserably. I understand that is the real reason you abandoned me...because you were FAILING to destroy me and you were FAILING to control me. I was far too strong to be brought down to my knees by you for very long -- and, it took a little time, but eventually you knew it...so you went away. Pretty weak if you ask me. Anyway, I do hope that one day you will find your way to something honest and truthful...but I am not holding my breath. There will come a day when you will think of me and you will regret all that you have done....I wont be anywhere to be found, by you, when that day comes. I will have moved on to the full and joyful life that I am now creating without you. Some days I can wish you well...and some days I can't...but it really doesnt matter because the universe has everything in perfect order and all that we sow we shall also reap. May you receive all that you have given tenfold in return.

Impressive self-dialogue People/Woman/Gals.
I see the processing and thinking and true, raw emotion but the intelligence behind these posts/admissions and it's powerful.
I have to recall your stories when I read these and when I do, I can see growth and strength. It's amazing.

I suppose this will be the last time I write to you. I have been so very sad about you. You have broken my heart to the point where I do not know if I will ever fully recover. Going through the trauma of this ordeal with you and loving you during it all...and then being "dismissed" so heartlessly, by you, has been so very hurtful to me. But Karma is real..and God is just.

You spent the last year telling me in phone calls and letters that you love me, that you miss me, that you were falling in love with me, that you were thinking of marriage with me...all of that to just Drop me like we didnt even matter...Like I was Nothing to you. How could you do that? How could you do that to me? to anyone that you Love?

I have answered that now...you can do that because you do not Love. All of the words were nothing but lies and manipulations. When you finally realized you could no longer control me and make me do what you wanted me to do.....you abandoned me.

I know you are manipulative and controlling down to the very core of your being. I know this because you told me how you intended to manipulate your own children. "Don't tell them that you are talking to me or that you saw me, because if they think I am ok they won't be willing to write to me and help me" You said that to me! How can you stoop so low as to try to control and manipulate your own kids? There is something very seriously wrong with you.

You dropped Me because I refused to stop communicating with your ex wife. Why? Was it because you were afraid I would find out all of your dirty little secrets? I already knew them all....I already know that you are guilty of the crime for which you are convicted. There is nothing more that she could tell me. I, actually, think that you know this, so I dont think that's the real reason you wanted me to stop contact with her. The real reason that you insisted on this is because you MUST control and manipulate your own Children and your own Family into giving you things, into contacting you with letters and calls, and into sending you money. You believe, and it might be true, that if they think I am helping you than they will not. Also, your sister seems to hate your ex wife...why is that? I know why, now...she hates her because she knows the truth about you and your sister refuses to face the truth about you. So, because I believe your ex wife I am cut out. Because I know the truth and I was willing to face it with you -- You dropped me...you would rather stay in your lies than face the TRUTH. Even if it means cutting me out of your life. That is seriously sick!

I have, finally, blocked my phone. I waited for you to call for 2 months and you have not bothered to call with any explanations or apologies. An honorable Man would have, at least, made a phone call with an honest explanation. You are not an honorable Man.

I will never really understand why you took advantage of me the way that you did. I will never understand Why you cut me out...without a word. I can only believe the sad Truth which lies before me, now...that you are a true Narcissist and a wholly manipulative human being who has no conscience. There is no other explanation for what you have done.

What I do understand, fully, now, is why you are in prison. I know that I am not the first woman that you have used and then dropped....you have hurt many women -- and you are paying the price for that, at least. I take comfort in the knowledge that this is simply your pattern. It is not personal....nothing about the way you treated me was ever about me...it was all about you. My heart goes out to all those who you have harmed and I hope you will never be allowed to be in a position to harm anyone ever again.

If you ever get out of there I pray that you are forced to stay far away from other people. You have NO RIGHT to turn on the false charm and evil charisma that you use to suck the life out of people. I know that you take sick pleasure from doing this to good people...and it is beyond wrong...Decent, Honest and Honorable people should never be exposed to people like you.

Among the many wrongs you committed against me, one of the worst was trying to use my Faith in God against me and to your advantage. You literally used my goodness and my spiritual beliefs to your own advantage. Telling me that I was not Good if I did not help you, if I did not give to you....Shame on you forever for that. God knows what you have done and you will suffer the consequences of that.

I know it is best for me and for My Family that you are out of my Life...but you have left a wound that has yet to fully heal. I pray to God that you will be erased from my mind and from my memory one day, soon, and forever.

I am new to this...I am hurting terribly... Had a two year relationship with my Ex we broke up and it was a terrible breakup. It has turned into an on going cycle for 2 years now of him finding his way back into my life. .....
I am so tired of thinking about you and wondering if you truly do care about me, I think of you so much I get heachaches break into tears and fall to my knees in prayer....I pray to God to take the sorrow from heart, because you have done so much to hurt me, degraded me and made me feel like nothing and yet I forgive, play along, be nice and laugh along when you are back never knowing when I will ever hear from you again...
Some days I wish I had never met you yet I cherish the times I had with you. Lord knows how much you mean to me yet what keeps me going to fight to move on is all the terrible things you did to me... how you made me feel about myself i will never forget....

@spark--do you mean that you were together two years ago for two years?

It has turned into an on going cycle for 2 years now of him finding his way back into my life. ....

or that the whole relationship felt like a cycle that never went anywhere?

Just wondering.

@Creo, we were together for 2 years and after we broke up he has been in and out my life for another 2 years. When he comes back its always " i want to try again or I miss you" but it's always the same. I end up doing all the work to make us right. The first time he came back I found out he had been having relations with another woman and me. There were clues something was not right but i ignored them hoping things would get better, putting up with him ignoring me, yelling at me, kicking me out the house....etc After I found out I said to myself I would leave him for good. Now he is back, told me he misses me. I was determine to be a friend but I know it's not helping me recover because I am starting to have feelings again. Its sad because i care for this man but he gives me nothing in return. Last time I spoke to him was wednesday