Women who Love too Much Community Group
WHEN BEING IN LOVE, MEANS BEING IN PAIN... This group is to help women through the journey of realizing they can love themselves. To help realize that they are capable of having a happy, healthy, whole relationship and break the cycle of abuse and heartache from loving emotionally unavailable men.
I adopted this from another site I visit from time to time. There are times when we are going crazy wanting to contact the ex- whether it be to bash them, hear their voice, look for a good moment, etc. We all know that contact is not acceptable to our healing. So...if you want to contact you ex.....type it here instead. Get it out, but don't give them the satisfaction of knowing you are thinking of them. I will start below......
"I went back to the DR today. I remember 6 months ago when you were so supportive. If it was Cancer, we would figure it all out. You said it would be fine. I was scared when I went to the DR today. I wanted to call you. I needed to hear your voice. Then I remembered how you spoke to me almost 2 weeks ago. I remember all of the promises you showered upon me on and off for three years, and ripped out from under me in three minutes. I remember all of the horrible things you said to me to make yourself feel better and justified. I still wanted to call you. I still wanted to hear your voice. I just wanted it to be the voice of the man I fell in love with, not the man you showed me you really are."
"I went back to the DR today. I remember 6 months ago when you were so supportive. If it was Cancer, we would figure it all out. You said it would be fine. I was scared when I went to the DR today. I wanted to call you. I needed to hear your voice. Then I remembered how you spoke to me almost 2 weeks ago. I remember all of the promises you showered upon me on and off for three years, and ripped out from under me in three minutes. I remember all of the horrible things you said to me to make yourself feel better and justified. I still wanted to call you. I still wanted to hear your voice. I just wanted it to be the voice of the man I fell in love with, not the man you showed me you really are."
I am so grateful that you are out of my life now. I can breathe again...I can find my ground again...I can find my Life again. I remember thinking, many times, that you were like this bottomless pit of chaos and need...and it was true...it never ended...it never got real...and it was never peaceful. There was always a crisis with you...and I just ate it up...I thought if I loved you enough, If I was able toprove to you that I loved you...somehow you would magically change into the Honorable Man I thought you were. but you never were that. It was just a game.
I feel like you stole from me (money/reserves/peace/'confidence) and yet, I know that I gave these things up to you.
Very angry at the outcome and very pissed off that you are leaving.
I wish that things were different but I know that these are important lessons for me and will change my life. I have to recover myself now, learn to really love myself. I know now how much I depended on my partner to boost my obviously fragile ego and tell me I was beautiful, amazing, intelligent, strong. All of your words feel empty to me because I see no light in your eye and I know that I have always been at the end of a long list of obligations and things that need to be done.
Very sad now. I hope that I can recover. I will recover. I want to find out that I am good enough, me...on my own.
Why did I meet you? Why did you come into my life with such force and charm? Why did you shut it all off only two months in? Why did I stay? What happened to me that I didn't leave then?
When you go, I will not help you move, clean your new place and buy niceties to make it palpable. I will stay in my own home and try to give all of this energy to myself.
I cannot go there despite the fact that we are on friendly terms and made love the other night after a two month hiatus. Even that, as nice as it felt, was empty--I don't think it meant anything to you. I don't know if you care at all.
Go in peace. I wish I could move to another country and never see you again. You remind me of what I put up with, what I needed from another and stayed to never see delivered.
I wish things that I have never wished before.
I have been following your story as well and I am sure on top of all I have named here, you are suffering because he is apparently with and perhaps happy (?) with someone else.
My fellow seems to not even need this. Very strange. Prior to me he was in a 15 year relationship (10 in and 5 out) with his ex/mother of his child. They had a terrible relationship that centred around their love for their child--both ex-addicts with huge issues. I cannot believe that he lived with her for almost 10 years and did whatever he could to make it work (according to him...maybe it's not really true). She was unfaithful to him and from all accounts treated him poorly. I think in this sort of relationship, he is more at home and knows how to do "it". With me, little effort was put out. No other women but it does hurt me...his past, even--just to know that there were longer relationships with more f--d up women. God.
Thanks and I hope that you are learning--I am sure you are. What choice do we have?
You broke up with me! Why are you angry that I want no contact with you? Were you waiting for me to send the text reminding you missed your "pick-up" deadline? Were you anxiously awaiting so you could jump and attack? So....did the new girl you probably were running after wise up to you already? Are you alone? Can't stand it can you? What makes you think you telling me I was ignorant as hell, cowardice, fucking ridiculous, so brave (sarcastically), and leaving angry voice mails with "F" being every other word, telling your mom and sister they were not allowed to talk to me because if I will not talk to you I will never get to talk to them either - make you think I would pick up the phone? Seriously? I may not have respected myself as I should for a long time- but I NEVER disrespected myself enough to listen to that and actually respond! Did you think sending me pictures of the bags and bags of dog food you bought out of compulsion make me talk to you? Really? All of this did was prove to me that you did me a favor by dumping me. You let me out of a prion sentence that I was about to "happily" walk into a lifetime of.
Then today, after 2.5 weeks you decide to come by to get your things, You said 9in text) you may not be able to get it all because you had to meet your boss. I came home and you had returned a few of my things - fishing poles, a small check, my house key and my hunting rifle.Why did you leave my rifle lying on my bed that we shared so many times? What were you trying to say? All you took of your was a target and a small box. You left the mountain of dog food you bought - which made me laugh at the sadness of that compulsive act. I guess you want my good favor now. You threw me a bone. Am I supposed to say Thank you? I may say thank you when it is all gone, you return all of the money you owe me (doubtful), get all of your things, and return my garage opener. When you stop trying to control me through your actions and piece-mail of belongings I may say thank you when this happens, I hope you think of me often - but i plan to NEVER think about you one day. You devalued and discarded me You lied to me and you deceived me and you don't even realize what you did was wrong. No - I will never say Thank you. I will simply never say anything at all.
We don't really communicate anymore, I dont make any attempts to talk to you, and of course, you don't initiate anything yourself neither. And if before it was hard not to talk to you, I felt connected to you, I am so used to tell you everything, but now it is not even hard to do- because I lost hope. I simply don't see the point in continue being even your acquaintance anymore. This whole relationship is a story of my running after you and you rejecting me, but I was always hoping things will change for better. You used to give me some food to feed my hopes, from time to time. I did not want to give up, but now I did. The last drop was a very funny realization, which is I am going to tell you now. You said you want to let your friend to move in with you to be your roommate, that it should solve your financial problems, etc. etc. I just happened to look at it from this angle: in two years we were seeing each other you let me stay over in your house twice. You did not want me to be there because you need to be on your own, you want to be alone, you don't want anyone around. You don't want me to spend one night with you, but you are willing to live with a gay guy???? something is really wrong with this picture. I keep laughing about it, because it is just so sadistically, sarcastically wrong. Moving in with someone is always a relationship. You'd rather have a relationship with a gay guy than with me? LOL. It is funny. I never thought I would be so bitter about you, but I am.
So, I am done. Now that I have written you this message, I feel relieved, free and easy. Go on with your life. Wish you the best.
You have hurt me so thoroughly and messed up my life, my head, my heart.
I have lost my footing, my confidence and have debt, uncertainty, confusion and a general feeling of malaise at present.
I must take responsibility for the fact that I invited all of this into my life. I just thought that together we could figure it out and pass through this difficult time.
Why did you come into my life as my saviour only to abandon me in the end? We actually traded places, you and I, We have discussed this to death but it is a real bit of agony for me--that I did this and expected so little. I actually just feel such fucking rejection and I have to step back and see this all clearly. I am better off without you. I lived without security and a feeling of safety coupled with just feeling unimportant to my lover, uncared for. Very stupid. You say now, "Did I have my shit together when you met me?" I had no idea who you were and you presented as someone other than who you are. I did actually believe that you had your shit together. I thought I had found this beautiful, loving, affectionate, attentive, kind, funny, responsible, faithful and reliable man who really loved me. It has all messed with my mind.
You are the most self-absorbed, selfish, self-centred person I have ever been involved with.
You gave so little and actually manipulated things (and NO, not intentionally as this will be your quick response/defence re: your vulnerability and fragility) so that on top of trying to be there for someone who did not ask for much but constantly, constantly presented with needs, I was wrong in the end. Your texts are very telling with items like, "My instincts were right. I was wrong to accept your generosity..." Whaaaaaat? Are you actually trying to make me feel shitty now and be forced to retract my feelings--the very feelings that I have suppressed for months and months and months? You go from that to "I'm a bad person, you deserve better.", etc. Nothing in between of substance that passes for taking responsibility, acknowledging how things were and having empathy for me. Instead I am caught between defending myself (WWWWWWWWWWWWHHHHAAAAAAAAATTT?) and saying, "Oh don't worry. It's okay. Poor poor you."
I need to regain my peace.
I love with a big, full heart and I feel quite broken at present--shut down. Very sad all of this.
Tomorrow Turkey Season opens. We should be heading down to hunting camp tonight - excited and ready for tomorrow. I am pissed that I do not get to see our friends we hunted with, another result of your selfish acts. I wonder, what will you say - will you tell them I left because you were not ready to get married? That seems to be your story of choice. Yes you said that, but you seem to have forgotten the following devaluing remarks after that "future faker" statement. oh well, I guess you need the attention more than I do anyway. I wonder, when you kept telling me a few weeks about a shotgun that would be perfect for me - was it really for me or were you already planning the great escape and just wanted me to buy it for you to keep? - because I am not already in enough debt because of you! I look back at these things now with eyes WIDE open and I am angry. Yes, I am angry with you, but more with myself for allowing the manipulation to go on as long as it did. Have fun this weekend. I hope your twenty something friends look up to you for guidance and admiration. When you get your first Turkey and want to share it with me - DON'T - because I don't care.
These stories are all so alike. There are differences but so many, many similarities.
I know until I realize what I am fully deserving of because I am a beautiful person inside and out, I will go on struggling with love.
You are so empty. The things that I longed for, that were normal and what any other relationship of any consequence has/requires were not present--affection, attention, time, PRESENCE--real, total presence. You were always distracted, upset about something that happened to you that day, angry and I was absolutely eclipsed by your narcassistic self-centredness. No one else is really important. With your daughter and mother, you understand your role and you can do that. For any one who was somewhat healthy, their love for you would cancel out anything you could feel back. I think women who cheated on you, dragged you through shit, were unkind, unloving, distant themselves--BINGO--you were hooked.
There was no room for me to be frustrated, to be angry, to even be sad. Your response would be, "Don't be sad." "Don't be angry." and then you could go into your own diatribe of how tough things were for you, how you had suffered. I WAS INVISIBLE.
Tonight I had my last moment of feeling disappointed by you. I still yearn and naively hope that you will look at me with love. You do not. I have only experienced that look/that feeling a few times. ABSOLUTELY NO SAFETY even now. I would like to be angry but there is no space, no allowance. Even your comment yesterday that it was "both of our faults."
NO, it wasn't...except that I allowed you to mistreat me and I participated.
You were uncaring, inattentive, unavailable, angry with a propensity to temper, you were unloving. Despite your daily texts, "I love you." YOU DID NOT. There was no love in your actions. I waited and took scraps--small, tiny gestures. I kept sticky notes with a heart drawn on it, the smallest, most miniscule gestures. I collected them. This is my terrible truth. I was starving and I went on starving. I rearranged my life around yours while you did nothing to accommodate or really invite me. You are a bad man.
What kind of 'man' renovates a space in his lover's home (basement) so that it is suitable as a 'transitional space' as his daughter adjusts (although this was supposed to be 2-3 months, you were actually waiting for a child to tell you, yeah, let's move upstairs Daddy). You shut me out three days a week and yet had full access to my home and life. You had NO plan with your kid and so what I got to be was the slave, the gf who you gave a friendly pat on the bum to and a kiss on the cheek goodnight three days a week for a year. The other days you were catching up, visiting your mother, equally unavailable. Sick. Me and you. Who are you? You so passionately misrepresented yourself that while I was ambivalent through our courtship, I fell in love with the man that you proposed to be and ARE NOT. I shook my head for months, so confused and so bloody invested and I carried on hoping to get back there because you had all the lines--"You have no patience." "Love comes later for me. I love you now but I will love you deeply in time." BLAH BLAH BLAH. I fell for it all because it was all so bloody bizarre and foreign and confusing for me. My self esteem took a huge dive. I was anxious and went on anti depressants. I felt like I was asking for too much, that I had become a needy woman. GOD HELP ME. I have never seen such bizarre behaviour in my life and I just kept trying and trying to make it work, to hope that it would happen still. You (the brilliant, perfectionist and TOTALLY disorganized contractor) took 7 months to finish the job--effectively delaying moving in and with little joy in the end. I was so excited and you were just carrying on with your miserable existence.
Who is this 'man' who then moves in and accepts the woman's kind offer to not pay for a month or two until he gets settled and then watches her provide for him--buy the food, cook the food, decorate his daughter's room, buy things to make it all nicer and NEVER offers to start paying while he continues on with his existence in his busy season. When the woman gets a SECOND job, he doesn't even notice that she is out $13 000 for renovations, has lost rent for 12 months ($6000) and loaned him $6000 for work equipment which he starts paying back late and then stops by December, a few months later--at a ridiculously meaningless (and interest free--b/c there was no discussion of this until recently) rate. No mention as to how this will be paid back. None. On her line of credit.
You are a child, a coward, not a man, mean spirited, unkind, selfish, egotistical, dramatic, addicted to chaos and difficulty and I wish I had never, ever met you. You brought me nothing but misery, insecurity, sadness, loneliness and debt.
By the way, you do not connect in sex. You are as cold there as everywhere else--no noise, no tenderness (or only occasionally), no passion, ZERO FUCKING PASSION. Never met anyone like you in my LIFE.
Bye.
Were you really as phony as it seems now? Did you really just use me for your own gain? It is still so hard to see that, at times. BUT, I should have listened to you much more carefully about some things . You did tell me, among all the other things you told me, to RUN from you, that you had nothing to offer me, that you did not know if you would ever be able to Feel real Love, that you thought there was something wrong with you. Maybe I will always feel sad about you....I just dont know anymore. You were a beautiful Nightmare baby and I gotta wake up...and its tearing me up.