i still love you and hope every minute that you will contact me and want me back. this makes me feel weak and small because i know that i would never have been enough for you. there were moments of greatness and thats unfortunately what sticks; not the criticisms, broken promises, untruths and emotional checking out. i hope someday to stop thinking about you and wanting the man you wanted to be.

So I did write to him one more time. To explain why I am no longer contacting him. (his romance was so epically deep, watch out for those Arabs ladies... they are more addicting than crack)

well it was completely pointless to actually write to him, it does me way more good to write here

I know I love to try to prove my love by the amount of pain I am willing to show/endure for a man. These guys dont give a damn how much pain we suffer for them. They are sadistic and love to see us in pain. There are better men in the world, but we have no reason to rush. We can learn to love ourselves first.

Also, I am a slight hypocrite, I am sleeping with a man now. My head and heart are not addicted to him. I am protecting my heart from him. It certainly is helping me get off the Arab, which was destroying me.

I'm sorry for disturbing you, and I can see why you don't want me anymore. I wish there was anything I could do to change so that you would want me. I don't want to lose you. Maybe we can see each other just sometimes. I'm sorry for being so crazy about you.

i am blaming myself again today, wondering why i just didnt go to therapy like you asked, even if you werent willing to go for yourself...i feel that i could have saved us if id only done that, been better, tried harder, been less anxious and sensitive. why did you tell me all those wonderful things and make all the promises about a future if you saw me as too damaged? why say all those things? dont you understand how badly that messed with my head? no wonder i was an anxious wreck, and then you took that anxiety and used it against me.can you even imagine how it feels to constantly hear one thing, then a few hours or days later something totally opposite and to experience behavior that was in constant contradiction? i dont believe that you are a bad person, but the pain you inflict on women is bad. i still love and want you...feel that i will never be complete without you. i hate myself for this.

tomorrow is my birthday, you were supposed to be getting into town tonight. you said you would bake me a cake, chocolate with strawberry icing. i feel like such a failure, at 44, to have lost you. my friends all say this is about you and not me, so why cant i stop feeling so guilty? i feel as if my life is nothing without you, all hope of being happy is gone, i still hate myself for feeling this way.

today is my birthday. you were supposed to have gotten in last night. woke up several times during the night with nightmares. so sad today. feel worthless and unimportant. what is wrong with me that i am so depressed when you have returned to your life with very little disruption? how could i have meant so little to you? why did you tell me all those wonderful things and make me all those promises if you couldnt follow through? was i really that awful to be with? this dissonance is maddening, i feel as if i will never understand.

you seem to be there for her but wasn't really there for me. when i told you your dog needed medical care you blew me off like i was nuts. but then i see you taking a new dog with her also to the vet. how nice you can be to people you want to be nice to. but cruel and heartless to the one who really cared about you.

you really let me know in so many words how much i sucked to you. how we didn't have a chance anymore, how there are so many other better looking women to be with. what happened to those words so long ago, when you were such a different person, i don't know what happened to you through the years after i seen you years later. you were not mr. perfect either anymore. but i hope someday the guy i knew can shine through again.

you just texted me : hey, happy birthday". why would you do that? do you not know how i am suffering and how i have waited for some sort of contact from you? is that it? i dont understand you. i hate myself for saying "thank you".

My response to him would be:
I hate you, I hate what you did to me and us!!! You are a coward and a weak person. I have always been expendable to you yet you always try to come back, why? I continue to look for answers, within myself and what I could have done differently but also why you are the way you are and do what you do? Your justifications are crap, your narcissitic version of things negates my feelings or even me as a person. I tried to support you, I gave you all of me yet it wasn't enough nor will I ever think it will. You are damaged as I am however at the very least I care about those I hurt and would never do it continuously despite my own selfish desires. Please leave me alone, spare me the pain that you will eventually cause. I do and always will love you however your love is toxic.

I miss you SO much, and I just wanted to call and tell you so. Why did you yell at me on the phone the last time I called you, although we had sex an hour earlier? I felt so rejected I wanted to die! The pain was so deep others in my life were taken aback. Strangers in the grocery store noticed I was groping along like a depressed snail. Please do not hurt me because I love you more than anyone in the universe...

I cannot count on you in any way. I have denied this truth for so long in the hopes that I would eventually be on the radar of your chaotic, disorganized life. I allowed you to hurt me over and over in our relationship. When I think about it and remember how disappointed I felt when you would walk in the door or answer the phone or wake in the morning and not notice me, I feel sick. You always just seemed empty and it went deep inside me.
I am strong but man, you had me down on my knees with it all. You told me you loved me, still do and you know what? You don't. You have NO idea what love is except maybe a confusion around obligation and resentment. And now, estranged, I stupidly wait with baited breath for you to come through in some way. To give me SOMETHING. To show me respect after living here with no responsibilities for nine months and not doing the things you told me you would do over and over and over again.
Class.
The back walkway was the one thing that I asked you to complete. I gave you the option of telling me that you couldn't do it so that I could hire someone. You said you wanted to do it. Do you know what it means to "want" to do something? It means you do it. It's a priority. A promise. It's your word. I have had to stop you by text or in person to say "When?" and you have vaguely told me a couple of Saturdays should do it. It is Saturday, April 21st. It "looked" like it might rain but alas, it didn't. You sent Chris on his way and told me only last night that you would start yourself today and get a few hours into it. No show and no message. Not only do I not see this physically starting to happen but I am not even considered that this preys on my mind, that I want it done, that I have a decent tenant arriving soon. This is your work and livelihood. You know how to do this. You are lazy and a taker. I gave everything I had to you and you gave me promises and sorry's and excuses. Pathetic. I hope you had a good and productive day. At least something is getting done somewhere.

After 2 years together...1 year of trying to break up...and 2 and a half months of No contact, I am finally starting to feel like myself again...at times. Weekends are the most difficult time for me. I do miss all of our adventures and laughter. But I do NOT miss all of the drama and moodiness. My life is peaceful now and I really do prefer it this way. As I am gaining distance from my emotional attachment to you I am gaining clarity and seeing things as they really were. I remember telling you, as you were telling me that you were "thinking about" whether or not you could be a Real Partner for me, that I really didnt think you could ever be happy with a peaceful life.
This is a true statement. I know you well enough to know that you must keep CHAOS in your life in order to feel alive. You would never allow Peace to be the sustenance of Life for you...you get toooo BORED!
I choose Peace Now! Therefore I cannot choose you.
I am inching towards forgiveness, for my own sanity....Today I wish you well.

i want so much to hear ur voice and laugh again, i want to hear from you..i wish we could fix things, i wish it did not go the way it went with us, but i guess i just have to accept it..i wonder what has got me so fixed on wanting to see and hear from you when i know you wont change because the person you showed me before things ended is exactly who you are. I hope that with time i will heal all these wounds, but i cant help but wonder how you are and if u think about me or u have already moved on. I really dont know what i would say to you if i should hear your voice right now, i am only this confused because i am fighting my inner issues and the shame and guilt i feel because i feel like i was played.

I just found this in my email archives--a note to a friend September 2010 when I was extremely comfortable and confident with you. I had NO red flags at that time. You spun a story/facade that had me thinking you were the most together man I had ever met--enlightened, philosophical with genuine values and a desire to be with me and love me. It is a feeling that I remembered long after it passed and it confuses me to this day. I was fresh off of a little disaster with your friend and you had come to my rescue. We were friends first...something very new for me...and I feel still, that you courted me. It was over months. I was off balance and it seemed that you understood this, had patience with me and were supremely nurturing. Instead, you got me to a point of having faith in you then emotionally detached while remaining with me. Awful.


I have seen X every two or three days and we talk/text pretty regularly. I
> am sort of
> needy right now because I think I just want to know everything and I'm still a
> bit off balance. I don't think I am viewed as needy at all but he is a very,
> very emotionally intelligent and mature man and is just taking me/this verrrrrrrry
> slowly. I know he is just watching me to see if he isn't there all the time or
> doesn't shower me with attention, what I will do. I really feel that--not a
> game but
> he needs to know. I really get such an amazing feeling about X. I sort of adore the man
> and
> every day I feel just a little more for him. He is solid, solid, solid and sort
> of
> funny and disorganized and late and dissheveled and NOT needy...he is very,
> very comfortable in his own skin. I feel very good in his company and sort of
> insecure at times (only this week) not in his company which I know it is just me
> looking out, seeking outside of myself.
> Yadda yadda.
> S
>